Well now, pardon me as I scrape the rust off these here typin' fingers. I'll liken it to riding a bike or proving for the 500th time that, yes, I really do know all the lyrics to Salt N Pepa's "Shoop"; when the time comes to step and up and perform, you just have to let go and let God. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I may be the first recapper to trudge through WGA Strike perdition and come out the other end. Even if I'm not, I must say, it's good to be back. So...friends, demons, countrymen, lend me your ears...
In case you've forgotten over the last 38 months or so, our unlucky huh-ro is Sam, a 21-year-old home store employee with absolutely no game. His parents sold his soul to the Devil, a.k.a. WiseGuy, a.k.a. Hey It's That Guy! Ray Wise. So, Sam festers in retail hell by day and reaps escaped souls from real Hell by night. Fortunately, he has a schlubby Scooby Gang in friends Ben and Bert "Sock" Wysocki, the stocky shtick addict that I prefer to call JBL (Jack Black Lite). Also in the mix: Andi, Sam's best girlfriend, whom he wants as his actual girlfriend...and, in the meanwhile, Cady, Sam's substitute-Andi whom JBL dubbed "Beelzebabe" because she may be WiseGuy's bastard daughter. Y'all caught up? Thought so. Okay. We now return to our regularly scheduled hijinx.
JBL and Ben are being typical boys, which is shorthand for running around and shooting each other with a BB gun. JBL's mom returns from Vegas. But she's not alone. She married Morris the Asian Cowboy. We'll call him MAC.
Over at 667 Hellsville Lane, Sam is gettin' some. You go, boy. Beelzebabe eventually reaches over and sees a necklace -- the same one that (viewers with the memory of an elephant will remember) he tried to give to Andi to ask her to become his girlfriend; she flatly rejected him. Beelzebabe thinks it's for her. Sam awkwardly agrees. I'm sure this isn't the last we'll hear of the "girlfriend necklace." Alas, they're interrupted by a despondent JBL. Update: He may have shot MAC with the BB gun. Now he feels alone in this cruel world, and the only way to solve it is to let B-babe stroke his head, hang out like an awkward third wheel on their relationship, and demand a six-pack.
Early the morning, 4:30 AM to be precise, Sam wakes up to find, who else? JBL, who proceeds to kvetch endlessly about MAC. The rant ends at The Work Bench. Given his deep well of loneliness, JBL is hesitant to report to work, so he asks Sam for a push. The first try is feeble because, let's face it, it's Sam, but the second practically sends JBL into orbit. Wherein we discover Sam's Secret Talent of the Week (STW), i.e. the thing that links him to his reapees and unlocks the unfolding mystery of this week's task. Also, thanks to the WGA, it's Christmas in Reaperville. Surely they could have CGI'd Santa into a leprechaun?
Inside, Andi and Sam have a typical "Let's freak out our paranoid manager, Ted" conversation that involves JBL faking a seizure and workman's comp. She leaves, and Sam looks out the break room window. He should see The Bench's lovely cement interior, but instead he spies WiseGuy flashing his used car salesman grin atop a pier.
Sam opens the blinds and, with the help of that old black magic, walks out onto the dock. He and WiseGuy talk as a musician strums his electric guitar nearby. WiseGuy expostulates on the freshness of the sea and directs Sam's attention to a corpse in the water. It's just the latest victim of the latest escapee from Hell, Philip Carmona, who cannibalizes his prey. WiseGuy suspects Carmona will return to "finish his meal."
While Sam's digesting that information, WiseGuy segues into his worldly alter ego, Gerry Belvedere, and starts chatting up the musician (Jamie Kennedy). He tells a sob story about his wife leaving him, and, basically, he's every brokenhearted rock 'n' roll wannabe you've ever averted your eyes from on a street corner. But WiseGuy sees potential...for exploitation. He hands over his card. The musician continues his riff on "Loser in A Minor" by introducing himself with his stage name, Ryan. So simple, yet so lame.
Gerry, née WiseGuy, proposes they make a deal. Sam, knowing how this little ditty will play out, decides to intervene. Knowing how protective WiseGuy is over his "business," this do-goodery will inevitably bite Sam in the ass -- pun intended. Also? Let me just say, if you want to see the most hot mess, tranny train wreck, Brian De Palma-directed, fierce version of how this scenario could end, Netflix Phantom of the Paradise. You'll probably regret it, but you won't forget it. So...WiseGuy appears touchy that Sam has called him " a morally bankrupt, evil being," but then retorts, "then this makes perfect sense," and hoists Sam off the pier. Awesome. Sam lands in a pile of glass-shard-laced fake snow back at The Bench, and bounces onto the floor. Among the Christmas presents is the vessel that Sam will use to reap Carmona.
A bit later, B-babe strolls into The Bench as Andi and Sam take a break. An awkward meet-and-greet proceeds. Andi immediately notices the necklace on B-babe. Andi shoots Sam a none-too-pleased look and leaves, telling Cady to "enjoy your necklace." B-babe picks up on Andi's mean girl vibe. Sam comes to Andi's defense, which only angers Cady and places him square in the Bermuda Triangle of Love. She slams the necklace down and leaves.
Sam heads into the break room to bitch. After some attempted junk-punching and a three-way suggestion from JBL, Ben wisely changes the subject to Ryan the crappy musician. Soulless Sam sympathizes, though, and still wants to save him. They decide to head back to the pier before hitting up the morgue to find Carmona. At the pier, they see fliers for Ryan's upcoming arena concert and realize they may be too late.
They pull up to the morgue that night. JBL has secured-slash-stolen an entry pass from his ex-girlfriend Josie, the District Attorney. Sam opens up the vessel box to see what he's working with, and...it's a spear gun. Not quite as whimsical as the snow globe, but definitely a step up from the toaster. They stroll on in to behold the grotesque corpse Carmona left behind. A lab-coated man walks in and immediately sees through their act. Pressed against the wall, The Stooges decide to seal off the exits and wait for Carmona.
No sooner does Sam brandish his spear than The Stooges realize Mr. Labcoat is, in fact, Carmona. They peek back into the mortuary just in time for him to look back at them with vampire teeth a-blazin' and all kinds of crazy in his eyes. They bust in and chase after him, but to no avail.
Back at The Bench, Sam is restocking nails when he looks into the box and sees a severed finger. Of course, it's just another practical joke from WiseGuy, who approaches Sam with a snicker. Sam gets serious, though, and asks about Ryan. WiseGuy lays out his plan to intoxicate Ryan with fame, then snag his soul. Well...they don't call it the Devil's Music for nothing. Sam tries to dissuade him, but WiseGuy is more interested in Sam's progress. In short, nada. WiseGuy suggests Sam talk to Carmona's mother.
The Stooges head over to Casa Carmona. Unsurprisingly, the door gets slammed in their faces. Carmama screams that her son is innocent -- a Fine Young Cannibal, if you will. JBL improvs a bit and finds his way to the lie that Carmona was their camp counselor. The gamble pays off. Carmama invites them in for pie and a pictures of her son. Sam and Ben dig further to discover that Carmama often thinks she sees her son outside the house around sunset. They head out, and JBL takes the opportunity to wax lyrical with the comparison between the nurturing Mrs. Carmona and his own Asian-cowboy-loving mom.
That night at Ryan's sound check, Sam learns that Ryan hasn't signed anything yet. He tries to warn him, but Ryan's gung ho about rock 'n' roll superstardom. Sam spells out the whole "Devil wants to buy your soul" situation, but Ryan is an arrogant (read: desperate) bastard, so Sam's pleas fall on deaf ears. On his way out, Sam slips into his car only to be startled by WiseGuy. WiseGuy smugs that, as usual, he's 13 steps ahead of Sam and Sam telling Ryan that WiseGuy is the Devil was actually helpful. He thanks a dispirited Sam and leaves.
The day, Josie enters The Bench and begins to interrogate The Stooges one-on-one about her idea. She ends with JBL. There's a whole "booyah" motif, but I'm scrupulously avoiding it so as not to stumble into "Whoomp! There It Is" territory. One can only handle so much '90s fad rap in one day.
Later, Cady and Sam meet at the bar. He apologizes for the mis-affair of the necklace. B-babe, it seems, knows Sam better than he knows himself, and has reservations about Sam's lingering feelings for Andi. She doesn't want to be a consolation prize, but he assures her that she won't be. Back to smooching...
Yet later, The Stooges stake out Casa Carmona. When JBL ignores yet another call from his mom, he decides he'd rather spend time with Carmama and heads inside. Ben realizes, perhaps too late, that this isn't the best idea since Carmona could return at any moment. Inside, JBL yoo-hoos, but no one answers. He discovers an errant shoe and an overturned chair in the kitchen. Just then, Carmona saunters into the living room, having at his teeth with a toothpick. JBL flies into a rage and chases Carmona. He tackles Carmona in the yard and starts reaming him out...for about five seconds until Carmona lets lamprey-like demon teeth loose. Luckily, Sam spears Carmona from behind, and thus endeth the reap.
Back at the bar, Andi and Josie join the fun. Andi and Sam offer mutual apologies over the necklace, then head their separate ways. Andi is clearly not excited about returning to the friend zone, and Josie calls her out on it. Andi turns it back on Josie, saying she's just bitter that The Stooges outsmarted her. Wouldn't you be? Over at the bar, Sam sees a promotional coaster for Ryan, but doesn't have time to go into it before JBL toasts to the masticated Mrs. Carmona. The boys trade stats between all their past reaps, deciding whether Carmona was the worst yet. A light bulb appears over Sam's head. He thinks Ryan wouldn't be so desperate for fame if he could see the miserable road ahead once he signs the contract with WiseGuy.
We pan down on the full arena and Ryan's sub par musical stylings. A jubilant WiseGuy is surrounded by kids throwing up the horns. The Stooges walk backstage and strategize, complete with the athlete circle and break. Now onstage, Ryan has transformed from homeless freak to Pete Doherty chic (if such a thing exists) in, like, 12 hours. But he still sucks. Oh, and by the way, now Ryan has an umlaut over the y and is pronounced REE-in. For the love...
JBL grabs Dia-rhee-in and takes him for the Stooges' set-up. Ben dangles a piece of meat in front of Carmona, but he's not biting (literally). He tells REE-in that The Stooges kidnapped him. So REE-in steps in front, which I'd wager is a horrible idea, what with the whole cannibal thing. And lo and behold! Carmona gets a look at REE-in's fingerless-glove-bedecked, black-nail-polished hand and takes a big ol' bite. (Though I half suspect he also just wanted the faux rocker to shut his pie hole, so to speak.) Carmona sprints away, leaving REE-in with a bloody stump. Sam takes the empty stage to find him, and in his path falls said bloody stump. There's a minor tussle, but Sam prevails, spearing Carmona once again. I mean, come on, the soul was wearing a sweater vest for Satan's sake. How formidable could he have been?
The day, Sam visits Ryan (who I assume has dropped the umlaut along with his manual abilities) in the hospital. His hand has been reattached but is insensate, and Ryan is pretty despondent. Sam tries to apologize for the whole cannibal mishap, but Ryan doesn't remember anything. Sam brings up the contract. Ryan whines that Gerry won't answer the phone. As Ryan admits he's let go of his dream, in walks the Rachel herself. Ryan professes his love for her and tells her he's definitely giving up music, seeing as he can't feel four of five fingers in his dominant hand. She smothers the sad sack in kisses. Happiness abounds.
And speaking of sad sacks, JBL returns home to his mom and MAC. JBL cops to his overreaction and offers to welcome MAC into the family. He heads to his room to unpack, but alas! Mom and her blue eyeshadow are kicking him out. Ha! He leaves the room with a burp and a clatter, only to discover his room is now a pottery studio. Double ha! So JBL is out on his tucchus.
Over at The Bench, it's a rendezvous of Sam's paramours. B-babe thinks the only reason that Andi doesn't like her is because she doesn't know her. So she tells her a super-cute, smiley story, the gist of which is, "Cross me, bitch, and I'll slash your tires...and maybe more. Toodles!" And I love her to pieces now. Why couldn't Cady have come, like, 8 episodes ago? Also, if there's any better indicator that she's the spawn of Satan than this sociopathic anecdote told with a gleaming grin, then I don't know what it is. But I can't wait to see it.
Over in the paint sales area, WiseGuy congratulates Sam on his momentary coup. He tries to pound it out and gives Sam a good-natured "I ain't mad atcha." He even suckers Sam into gloating a bit, then sends a row of huge shelves cascading toward Sam and nearly kills him. Just to make it all clear as crystal, he confirms that this isn't him mad, because that's really something. And with a Devilish grin, he's out.
week: Love springs eternal for Sam and B-babe, until he decides they should break up. WiseGuy advises against it. Are those Prius tires I hear squealing and leaking in the distance?