We open on The Three Stooges at night, playing video games. Sam's phone rings. He claims he has to help his mom so he can leave. Cut to the bar, where he's actually meeting Cady -- the daughter of WiseGuy's ex-girlfriend (and, therefore, WiseGuy's potential progeny). Cady mourns the death of her pet fish Walter, so Sam proposes a whiskey shot in Walter's honor. Then, as one is wont to do on a first date, Cady pulls out a tiny, velvet-lined coffin -- with Walter inside. American Goldfish -- the new Spanish Fly! Walter's earth-bound body distracts Sam too much for banter, so Cady heads off to flush him (Walter, that is).
Sam takes a serious swig of beer, then drops something. When he comes back up, JBL and Ben have arrived, and are ogling him with disapproving scowls. Sam is baffled that they found him, but -- for real -- there are like two places in this town, so if he's not at The Bench... JBL protests Sam dating "Beelzebabe," and Sam tells him to pipe down. They address the possibility that Cady could be Satan's daughter, but Sam refuses to believe it.
Cady returns from Walter's impromptu funeral. Sam introduces her, and she is greeted by more scowls. She softens them up by offering to buy the first round, but they're still suspicious. Sam asks Cady to dance to avoid their shenanigans. On the dance floor, Sam apologizes for his friends' weird behavior, but she brushes it off. She asks if they're maybe a little overprotective, and Sam assures her they're not. Of course, as he says this, JBL and Ben dance up to them. Mind you, they're dancing with each other. And with the first strains of HoYay!, the episode can begin.
As I said, if they're not at the bar, they must be at The Bench, which is precisely where the scene begins. JBL and Ben are stocking and (incorrectly) pricing motor oil. Andi walks up and teases them about slow dance from the night before. Ben informs her they were doing recon work on Sam's new girl. Andi "Let's Just Be Friends" Prendergast involuntarily shows a spark of jealousy. JBL eventually reveals their theory that Beelzebabe is Devil Spawn, but Andi just gives them a weird look and takes off.
Meanwhile, Sam's at 667, getting ready for work. He answers the phone, and a very sultry Beelzebabe is on the other line. She asks what he's wearing, then tells him, in some detail, that she just got out of the shower. She throws in that she likes to bite the heads off of live chickens. As Sam's eyes bug, she starts giggling and tells him to turn around. Har har! It's that bawd of a boss, WiseGuy! He tells Sam he "totally hosed" him. Okay, WiseGuy, let's set some ground rules -- please never ever use the word "hosed" again. WiseGuy ribs Sam that dating Cady is a weird way to get close, then concludes that he'd "tap that gene pool." I'll just go ahead and add that phrase to the no-no list. Sam does too, judging from the look on his face.
WiseGuy hands Sam his dossier -- 14 years ago, two bank robbers named Thaddeus Johnson and Paul Hwang robbed $10 million from a bank and got away. Unfortunately, the evil geniuses ended up shooting each other after a scuffle, and no one ever found their loot. Now Johnson is back. WiseGuy tells Sam it should be a quickie. When Sam turns his back to head out, WiseGuy reappropriates Beelzebabe's voice to reiterate "quickie." Sam tells WiseGuy to knock it off, but he's vanished, as usual, and left the vessel on Sam's bed.
That night, The Stooges are at Johnson's McMansion. JBL harasses Sam about Cady and says he won't stop until he reaches the truth. A light comes on in the McMansion, so they fetch the vessel. They open the box, and...it's one of those old school lighters that flips open. Given Sam's motor skills with the other vessels, perhaps his own stupidity will outweigh Johnson's. JBL inexplicably pulls out some hose (what's with this week and hoses?), and they head to the McMansion.
They bang the lion's-head door knocker. Johnson opens the door in a porn-star uniform -- boxers, gold chain, and a floor-length, fully open, satin bathrobe. They take The Bench's name in vain, claiming they're there to test radon levels. JBL shows the hose, and Ben extends his tape measure -- because flagrant visual metaphors for sex never get old. They head inside, and the place is decked out not unlike Johnson's attire -- zebra carpeting, cheetah love seats, and lots of mod furniture. JBL compliments his bachelor aesthetic, and Sam uses the distraction to make a pathetic attempt at sparking the vessel. His failure tips off Johnson, who escapes by walking through a wall.
They run into the hallway, and spot Johnson. He vanishes through a locked door, so they skedaddle back into the living room to trace Johnson's escape route. It leads them to a mishmash of Japanese war paraphernalia also known as the master bedroom. Johnson sticks his head through the door, then disappears again when Sam spots him. They bang on the locked door until JBL makes use of one of the samurai accoutrements to bust through.
Johnson tries to bargain with them. He goes behind a curtain and pulls out a shoebox full o' cash; he offers it to them, if they'll just let him free, then throws some cash at them. Instead, though, he pulls a gun from another shoebox and shoots it at them. Sam's finally able to switch on the lighter, and Johnson is sucked back into the void. Ben hobbles over to the curtain, and there are dozens of boxes full of cash behind it. Moral dilemma!
The Stooges head to the DMV to deposit the vessel. Yay! Gladys is back! I missed that old bat. However, instead of collecting the vessel as usual, everyone's favorite ribald registrar inspects it, imprints an envelope with a "REJECTED" stamp, and hands it back to Sam. She gives him some paperwork to appeal the rejection. She adds that typical response time is six to eight weeks, then puts a "CLOSED" sign in front of her window and puts on that schadenfreude-y smile reserved for bureaucrats.
Back at 667, JBL and Ben ogle the millions in cash. With the money's help, JBL has already envisioned himself in various cinematic scenarios, from Indecent Exposure to Top Gun. Sam reminds them that the money is not theirs to keep, but they claim that they risked their lives for it. In vain protest, JBL says that, if he can't have the six million bucks, he's takin' Sam's alarm clock. Way to stick it to him!
Later, Sam and Beelzebabe walk and talk about their families. Sam asks if she ever talks to her dad. She says she never met him, but suspects he may be a member of Huey Lewis's backup band, since her mom used to be their groupie. Sam cracks a joke, but she abruptly changes the subject and says her unknown paternity has made her feel like a freak since she was a kid. Sam consoles her, then spots a pet store where they can replace Walter. They pick a fish and head into the store, but their top choice has ominously floated to the top of the tank before they even get inside.
The day at The Bench, WiseGuy shows up. Sam stops him before he can bug Sam about the soul. WiseGuy informs Sam the vessel was only half full, then shows him a security tape. Before Sam reaped Johnson, he and Hwang partnered back up, so Sam must reap Hwang now, too. As luck would have it, Hwang is the dangerous one. WiseGuy also prods Sam to "stop being a weenie and spend some of the cash." Sam stands the moral high ground, but WiseGuy tells him it was a "victimless crime." As the tape continues, they see Hwang walk through a wall, overpower a security guard, and shoot him with his own gun. "So much for a victimless crime," snarks WiseGuy.
Sam's leaving The Bench when he finds Ben and JBL -- the aforementioned wearing a bangin' new gold velour tracksuit, the latter sporting a platinum "$" belt buckle. They fess up to sneaking into Sam's room and purloining some cash. Sam can barely contain his exasperation, but the others insist it's their money. Sam reminds them that the money poisoned Johnson and Hwang's relationship so badly that they killed each other. The guys don't think that will happen to them, but they promise not to spend any more money. Uh-huhhhhh...
As they head out, Sam updates them on Hwang. Ben goes to check police reports. Then JBL has a crisis of conscience and admits to Sam that he bought a little more than just a belt buckle. Cut to a massive pile of crap -- basically it looks like if one of those movie-theater-lobby claw games exploded. There are stuffed animals, huge piggy banks, electric guitars -- you name it, JBL bought it. He says he's trying to make amends with his ex-girlfriend, Josie (remember her? the DA?) for that time he accidentally burnt down her apartment. And if he can get some make-up sex out of the deal, that'd be okay, too.
Just then, Ben returns to tell them about an inside man who worked at the bank involved in the robbery. His name is Rick Forster, and he's still alive and working at a donut shop. They hit up the donut shop, but are too late; the slovenly manager tells them the cops hauled Forster away that morning. Sam leaves his contact information.
Back in The Bench parking lot, The Stooges are frustrated that their lead was a dead end. Sam interrupts the bitchfest to ask what time it is. The Stooges immediately know he's late to meet Beelzebabe. He tells them to stop harassing him, but they insist that he prove she's not WiseGuy's daughter. JBL gets the bright idea that they should look on her body for the Mark of the Devil (666).
Cut to The Stooges and Beelzebabe slurping down margs in a hot tub. Hot-tubbing, JBL tells Cady, is his passion. And no hot-tub scene would be complete without a patented JBL pratfall. That dispensed of, he gets up under the ruse of braiding Cady's hair. Of course, he's actually checking for the Mark. Because she's a weirdo, or completely stupid, she allows this tomfoolery...until he starts asking her whether she likes to eat animals or ever spontaneously bursts into flames.
Cady asks Sam if she can have a moment alone with The Stooges. She nicely tells them she knows they're just trying to protect Sam, but that she genuinely likes him and isn't trying to break up their friendship. She even offers to do anything they ask to prove it. Bad idea, sister. JBL plows forward with the Mark of the Devil theory and asks if they can see her naked. She'll show them hers, if they show her theirs. A blessed ellipsis follows, after which Ben and JBL strut into the garage, give Sam the thumbs-up, and send him out to a naked and waiting Cady in the hot tub.
The day at The Bench, Sam walks up and tells JBL and Ben that Forster got in touch with him. They return to the donut shop. Forster explains that he met Johnson and Hwang in the high-stakes gambling world. They entrapped him and forced him to leave the bank unlocked. He was pinned for the crime, and lost his family. The Stooges leave, figuring that Hwang will be hanging out in gambling dens. They remember that Tedager used to gamble heavily, so he can probably clue them in on some high-stakes games.
But first, JBL must return Josie's spectacular amounts of cheap crap. She comes home after a long day at work, and JBL greets her warmly, but she ain't havin' it. Then she sees all the stuff, which immediately raises a red flag. She suspects he stole it. JBL gets irritated that his "noble gesture" isn't having its intended effect, so he digs himself deeper in the hole by calling her a variety of names and accusing of her of looking like she has a third butt cheek in a pair of pajamas. She walks inside, he mumbles a bit, and...scene.
The other two, at The Bench, knock on Tedager's door. He is typically snide, but they pique his interest by mentioning gambling. He readies himself to be their Gamblers' Anonymous sponsor, but they cut him off. He eventually tells them the high-stakes games are in Chinatown, and the ante is ten thousand bucks. Ben smacks down a bundle of bills, and Tedager practically creams his pants at the sight. He offers his poker expertise if they'll stake him. This can't be good.
At the bar, Josie and Andi have gathered for girl talk. Josie shows Andi the trophy JBL returned, and they agree about all the weird behavior The Stooges have exhibited lately. "Something is up," intuits Josie. No shit, Sherlock.
Four white-bread geeks walk into a Chinatown gambling den. No, it's not the set-up to a joke -- it's The Stooges, with support from Tedager! The stern and shiny-headed bouncer is skeptical, until Ben introduces himself as "Ben...Ben Franklin" and smoothly slips him a hundred-dollar bill. Once inside, Tedager fingers the high-stakes table, and Ben spots Hwang. A shark appears from nowhere and grabs Tedager, slamming him against a poker table. Tedager owes the shark $1,200. He nabs the cash and breaks Tedager's finger. Tedager, who knows what's good for him, vamooses. The shark invites The Stooges into "a friendly game of cards."
Game on! JBL -- who would under any circumstances be a ridiculously bad poker player -- decides to go out in a blaze of glory and "let it ri-ide." The dealer reminds JBL it's not his bet, and Hwang tells him to take back his chips. JBL submits, along the way managing to call Hwang Mr. Sulu. Because there's no better way to catch a crook than by breaking them down with strategic Star Trek references. Hwang seems to crumble at this, though. When Ben pulls out another 10K bundle, Hwang steps away to the bathroom.
Down twenty thousand bucks, The Stooges indiscreetly scram from the table. Outside the bathroom, their strategy session is interrupted when Hwang pops through the wall and grabs Ben. He pops back out, this time leaving Ben halfway in the wall, and threatens that Ben will be cut in two if he lets go. In exchange for Ben's life, he wants the vessel and his money. They have 45 minutes to return with the money, or Ben dies. Commercials.
Sam and JBL are back in a flash, and Hwang is still there with Ben. Ben is now dislodged. Hwang tells them to drop the bags and walk away, but they want Ben back first. Hwang reminds them they have nothing to gamble with, since he has both Ben and Bic. He shoves Ben's head into the concrete-and-steel-reinforced wall, where he can't breathe. Sam drops one bag and pulls a can of gasoline out of another. He starts to douse the cash bag. Hwang mocks this attempt at a bluff. Sam is steadfast as he screams that the money is cursed, lights the bag on fire, and tosses it over a wall. Hwang drops Ben and walks through the wall to retrieve his cash, which conveniently forces the lighter to drop behind him. Ben picks it up and tosses it to Sam. Inside the burning bag, Hwang finds not cash, but JBL's singed boxers. Sam then reaps Hwang with quite a bit of panache. It's gangster.
As usual, they sit around afterward and congratulate each other on a job well done. Ben, who always takes the hits, it seems, is particularly out of sorts from this run-in. He yells into the lighter that Hwang's attempt on his life "wasn't cool!" JBL's already scheming what to do with the cash, so Sam must again remind them of its corrupting influence. Ben asks who gets the money. Sam says someone who deserves it more than they do.
Cut to the donut shop. Forster bumbles around and drops some donuts to reinforce what a hapless sap he is. He hears a noise out in the dining room, and goes to check it out. He sees the bags we know are full of money. On them, a note reads, "Quit this crappy job." Cut to the exterior, where we hear Forster's yelp of unadulterated joy.
At the bar, Sam walks in to meet Cady. Natch, WiseGuy is there instead. WiseGuy taunts Sam that sticking to his old-fashioned, Jimmy-Stewart-good-guy ideals has left him in the poorhouse. He tells Sam that Forster's future holds a yearlong gambling binge and, consequently, homelessness. Cady walks up and bids "Jerry" a less-than-enthusiastic hello. He asks about her mother. "She's great...since she dumped you," Cady snarls in return. WiseGuy offers to buy the first round, and leaves just in time for things to be super-awkward.
Cady asks if Sam and "Jerry" are friends, but Sam covers that "Jerry" knows his dad. Cady gets an uncomfortable look on her face and owns up that she has no idea who her dad is, but there's a strong possibility that it's "Jerry." So much for the naked litmus test. Sam refuses to acknowledge the possibility, pointing out all the differences between Cady and "Jerry." Like Troy Bolton in High School Musical 2, he's willing to bet on it, bet on it. They seal this gamble with a kiss. Cady, illuminated in devilish red light, hugs Sam and tells him he's an amazing boyfriend. Just then he notices her ability to kill by proximity when a vase full of flowers wilts behind her.