Good morning, Bench employees! Your first customer will be Gladys, the saucy DMV vessel registrar. So hop to it, Ben, Sam, and JBL. It's time to get down to business!
Gladys rocks the mom jeans all over The Bench while The Stooges gawk and puzzle over whether demons do regular people stuff like sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom. Judging from the amount of TP that Gladys is stockpiling, we know at least one of these holds true. A curious JBL starts heading toward Gladys, and Sam tells him not to do anything stupid. Oh, sweet, simple Sam… JBL confirms that he will most certainly do something stupid. It's in his blood.
JBL incognitos past Gladys and shoves Andi off of her register. "Glad Bags" arrives at his counter and is, unsurprisingly, less than thrilled to see him. She pays, escaping JBL's tantalizing offer of food court smoothies, hot dogs, and churros. She has business to take care of -- business that involves tarp in her trunk that appears to be wrapped around a corpse. JBL is uncharacteristically and, might I add, wisely silent on this matter. He does, however, stand in front of her car and challenge her to run him down. She lets off on the brake just enough to make him jump back, at which point he is sideswiped by an SUV and knocked into a row of shopping carts. Gladys drives off, unconcerned, bidding the wincing JBL to "Have a nice day."
It's that time of the month again. (No, not that time, silly.) Time for "Employee of the Month"! I'm sure you can guess who it's not. As Tedager talks, Sam mentions Andi's upcoming birthday. She wants to keep it low-key, but she does slip in that Greg Krasinski will be there. Back in Benchylvania, Tedager has also devised the dubious distinction of "Dog of the Month" for the crappiest employee. JBL's ready to accept, but Tedager singles out Sam. JBL laments the end of his nine-month reign as "Dog of the Month," but when he hears this month's prize is cleaning gum out of the dumpster, he concedes.
Out at the dumpster dives, we see this week's STW (if one can even call it that anymore, since they are rarely actual talents) -- a tattoo of a cardinal on his forearm. Sam falls into the dumpster, and lands in the seat of a chi-chi restaurant with WiseGuy. He tells Sam that he is his Employee of the Month, and slides over a box with an expensive watch inside. He also hands over the escapee's dossier.
This particular soul was "one mean dude" named Curtis D. Mays. He was lethally injected ten years ago for multiple homicides, and he wants revenge. WiseGuy foreshadows that people will suspect a copycat killer. Sam is suspicious of the inevitable catch, but WiseGuy and his gleaming grin insist that he's trying to make Sam's life nicer. Sam slips in whether WiseGuy can get somebody to clean out the dumpster, but when he looks up, WiseGuy has vanished just in time for the waiter to deliver the hefty bill. Sucker!
Back at The Bench, JBL and Ben check the record of Gladys's purchases, including tarps, twine, a shovel, and rat poison. Sam says they have more important issues at hand. He scans Mays's mug shot to see if there are any bird tattoos, and shows The Stooges the one that has mysteriously appeared on his arm. There are few leads, so they decide to look further into the trial.
The Stooges walk through the metal detector at the Courthouse and Sam feverishly scratches his tattoo. Correction, make that tattoos, for he now has two. The second is a "6." JBL tries to read Sam's arm like a rebus and comes up with "Dirty, sexy bird." Uh-huh.
The guard prompts them to remove metallic items from their pockets. Sam pulls out a necklace that he bought for Andi. JBL hazes him for getting her a diamond, saying that's the kind of present he would get for his wife. Sam insists it's a friend present, but Ben twists the knife by saying that it's the kind of thing Greg, Andi's boyfriend, would give her. He says the necklace implies that Sam wants the relationship to change, and that he should consider carefully before giving it to her.
As they head upstairs, Curtis D. Mays and his flaming neck tattoos stride up. He passes through the metal detectors without arousing suspicion, but, while walking away, he unwraps a piece of barbed wire from his arm. It was a tattoo. Now it's a lethal weapon. Huzzah! Watch out, Judge, he's headed your way.
The Stooges sit in the office of the D.A. -- none other than Keith Mars. They tell Keith they're writing a book on true crime, specifically Curtis Mays. Keith calls him a "nasty piece of work." Sam asks if Mays blamed anyone for his conviction, and Keith responds that Mays blamed everyone -- including his defense lawyer, who, it just so happens, was found shot in the head two days prior. Sam asks if they have any leads, and Keith echoes WiseGuy's earlier statement that it looks like a copycat. At that, Josie walks by. The Stooges try to maintain their ruse, but the bumbling is interrupted by a screech down the hall. They discover that a judge has been strangled with barbed wire.
Driving up to The Bench, they discuss what just happened. The now-dead judge presided over Mays's trial. They predict the prosecutor is . As they get out of the Prius, the vessel box appears on top of Sam's car. They pop it open to find…a taser. Topical…yet…tasteless? Sam and The Stooges are amped to tase Mays, and Sam gets all John McClane. Surprisingly, JBL isn't up for blindly diving into the breach that night. He puts up a protest, but Sam immediately susses out that he wants to go to Gladys's house. JBL says that it's his mission, and gives Sam the hand. 'Cause you know the highlights ain't listenin'.
Sam walks into The Bench through the back entrance and runs into Andi and Greg Krasinski. Andi steps away, and Greg takes Sam aside to get help planning a surprise party for Andi's birthday. Sam wonders if that's what Andi really wants, but Greg insists. He gives Sam a condescending pat on the back and heads out. Sam feels another itch and rolls up his sleeve to find a "1" tattooed on his arm.
That night, Ben and JBL stake out Gladys's house, complete with key lime martinis. They banter briefly, but are interrupted when some young hooligans throw eggs at Gladys's house. She comes out brandishing a broom and threatens to cook the children. They plan to get to the bottom of it.
Sam, meanwhile, is at the prosecutor's house. His covert op involves him falling asleep, face pressed against the window. He wakes up just in time to see a silhouette approach the house. He grabs the taser and follows the snooper. When the snoop turns to ask who's there, Sam tases first, asks questions later. Unfortunately, he learns that the person he just tased is a cop. Commercials.
The recently tased Mitch Pileggi checks out Sam's ID while Sam bumbles an apology. Mitch asks Sam about the taser; Sam claims it was a gift. Then Mitch cuffs Sam and notices the new watch, which Sam also says was a gift. Mitch takes both watch and taser, then exits, warning Sam never to return to the neighborhood.
At the bar, Sam wonders how to get the watch back. Andi is across the room, and calls him over to asks if Greg is planning a surprise party. Sam avoids the whole situation, leaving Andi to kvetch that Greg doesn't really know her and thus isn't her boyfriend yet. She says she wants someone who knows her. Josie says, "Like Sam?" and Andi squirms. She's spooked after trying and failing at the friend-boyfriend thing before. Josie counters that she doesn't know what will happen. Andi says that's true, but she does know that Josie and JBL are no longer friends since they dated, and "There you go."
Ben and JBL return to Gladys's house the day while she's at work. It's chintzy, with tea pots and angel figurines aplenty. As they snoop, we see that Gladys has come home. The guys head into the greenhouse, where she intercepts them and swings a shovel at them. She chases outside and starts to pull a Britney on Ben's car…until she realizes that her entire neighborhood is watching in horror. She walks away confused and defeated, leaving JBL with a rueful look on his face.
Back at The Bench, Sam takes his apron from his locker and puts it on. Then he looks in the mirror and sees WiseGuy in the background, swinging a baseball bat on a baseball diamond. Sam asks WiseGuy where the Hell he's been as WiseGuy continues playing with his balls. As Sam runs down the run-in with Mitch, WiseGuy imparts that Mitch probably recognized Sam's new watch since it used to belong to Mays's former defense attorney. Stee-rike one! Moreover, WiseGuy adds, Mitch will see the surveillance video that places Sam at the scene of the crime at the time of the murder. Stee-rike two! Sam freaks out, so WiseGuy hands the bat over to Sam and challenges him to "Go all Barry Bonds on [his] ass." Sam tries in vain to beat the crap out of WiseGuy, but he's protected by some sort of force field. WiseGuy laughs in his face until Sam gives up. WiseGuy smirks that it was classy of Sam not to go for the crotch, and Sam lands back at The Bench. Foul ball! Sam sees that his locker has been mangled, and Tedager says the police came by to raid it. He tells Sam to take off his apron before he does the perp walk. Stee-rike three! You're outta here!
In The Bench's stock room, Ben heats up nachos while JBL fixates on Gladys's angel figurines. He researched and found out that Satan used to be an angel himself. He surmises that Gladys used to be an angel and has been embittered by years of earthly torture -- her crappy DMV job, the neighborhood pranksters, et cetera. JBL empathizes with Gladys because he, too, was once a freak show -- specifically of the six-feet-tall-in-second-grade variety. Ben's "revolted yet trying to be sympathetic" body language is awesome.
Sam barges in asking for their help. JBL formulates a plan that will require him to pick up one of his dad's sport coats from home. Greg tools up in his car. He's annoyed that Sam let it slip about the surprise party. He suggests they blow off Andi's real birthday and throw a double-whammy surprise party the day. Sam says that's ridiculous, so Greg accuses Sam of trying to make him look bad. Yadda yadda yadda, they end up in a slap fight. Eventually, JBL ends the fracas, but only after Sam punches Greg in the schnozz. They march toward Sam's impending arrest.
At the cop shop, Mitch walks into the interrogation room to find Sam and a be-suited, be-gelled JBL. JBL pulls a legal pad out of his clanging "briefcase," which is actually a briefcase-like toolbox. Mitch passes right over good cop and tells JBL, "I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get out of here before I beat your face with a phone book." Awesome. JBL clangs open and shut his "briefcase" one last time and abandons Sam. Mitch points out all of the probable connections between Sam and the Mays-related murders. Sam flips out, protesting that he didn't do it, and screams that the joke can end now. He says he's talking to the Devil, which always looks good when a cop thinks you could be a serial murderer.
Mitch pushes Sam against the wall, tugging down his sleeve just enough to reveal that the numbers and symbols tattooed on Sam's arm have lined up to mean 613 Cardinal Drive -- Mitch's address. He asks how Sam got his address, but Sam's baffled that a new tattoo (the "3") has appeared. Sam puts all the pieces together and figures out that Mays is going to Mitch's house . Commercials.
We return to Mitch's house that night. Mitch has pulled out his gun, and Sam says he needs his taser back. Mitch mocks Sam for freaking out about a ghost. After searching, he figures that no one is there, and offers Sam a scotch.
Back at JBL's house, he's reading and seems to have made a breakthrough. He knocks on Gladys's door to apologize for calling her a monster and not considering her feelings. She lets him in for coffee and chat. Gladys admits she can rub people the wrong way. She also reveals with a chuckle that The Stooges' vessel deliveries are the high point of her day. She thinks JBL might be flirting with her. He says it's his "natural Sock aura." (Sock aura? Ew.) And sooner than you can say "Kill me now," Gladys is down to her red bra, and they're making out. And let me say, "Thank you, sweet Jesus," because the money shot is pre-empted when JBL wakes up screaming. He collapses onto the floor. It was all a sick, sick dream.
Sam checks out Mitch's house and insists that they'll need the taser. Mitch submits and says it's in his car, so they head out to retrieve it, first checking the trunk until Mitch remembers he left it in the glove box. This delay buys enough time for a fireball to come careening into the car. Mays shows up, scooping fireballs from his neck tattoo. He lobs them at Mitch. Sam takes advantage of the distraction to search for the taser.
Just as Mays is about to set Mitch ablaze, a bullet tears through him. In lieu of the taser, Sam is wielding Mitch's shotgun. He shoots Mays a couple times to slow him down, then shoots open the glove compartment and grabs the taser. Mays is too low, too slow, and Sam pretty seamlessly grabs the vessel and tase-reaps Mays. Sam takes Mitch back to call 911. And if you think that was all too easy, you're right. Mitch unholsters his gun and tells Sam to put down the phone. Commercials.
Back to the scene of the crime. Mitch says he's one collar away from retirement. He can't tell his superiors the killer was an escaped soul from Hell, so it all falls on Sam. He surprises Sam by saying he knows the Devil sent him. Mitch tries to shoot Sam, but the chamber locks, and he ultimately is supernaturally compelled to turn it on himself.
And who should appear but WiseGuy? He circles, tisk-tisking, around Mitch's corpse. Sam's still utterly baffled, so WiseGuy spells it out. WiseGuy set this all up to look like Mitch killed himself because he was actually the Mays copycat. WiseGuy even wrote the confession. He places the watch back on Mitch's wrist and explains that they brokered a deal 20 years ago. Mitch forfeited his soul for five high-profile cases that would make his career. The fifth case, we now learn, was his own. "Kinda sneaky," giggles WiseGuy. Nevertheless, their contract is fulfilled, and WiseGuy's moved on to his craving for a Bloomin' Onion. Sam is so screwed for all of eternity.
Back at The Bench, where all things begin and end in this sad little world. Sam apologizes to Andi for giving Greg a bloody nose. Andi says they broke up. Andi notes what a weird birthday she's had, and says she probably should have waited for Greg to give her a present, at least. Sam takes this opportunity to give her his boyfriendly present. She's moved to tears and gives him a seemingly more-than-friends hug. Then she says she can't accept it because it's not something a friend wears. He responds, "Well, then don't wear it as a friend." She continues to cry, telling him that he's the most important person in her life, then walks off. Things are heating up in here tonight!
up, the DMV. Sam says he shouldn't have given Andi the necklace. At Gladys's window, she gives JBL a suggestive hello and asks if he's had any good dreams lately. Love it. She says, with menace in her voice, "Was it good for you?" As JBL runs (like a little girl), Gladys hands Sam a watch box. The card reads, "To Sam, My Employee of the Month."
And finally, the bar. Sam resists opening the box because no good can come of it -- even if it is a "box full of world peace." JBL grabs the box and forces it open. Inside is a "Get Out Of Hell Free" card. Sam says it's probably a trick and makes a big show of leaving it on the counter. But, of course, he sneaks back not five seconds later, snatches it up, slides it in his pocket, and slips away. And so softly approaches the Fortunate Fall.