The Stooges drive around listening to "Radar Love," the official men's "bad-ass on the road" song. They're gearing up for a night on the town, and JBL, for one, is mighty impressed with himself. So much so that he's thinking about touching himself (I can't make this stuff up). Sam respectfully requests, "Not in my car please." They scan the radio, but "Radar Love" is on every station. Ben says the Devil may be trying to tell Sam to work, but JBL would rather focus on how to get Sam laid tonight. Moreover, he forbids Sam from referencing Andi.
Their boys' night entails going to a club that -- aside from some tapestries -- looks exactly like their usual bar (same beer mugs, even). Hot chicks strut, douches shoot pool, and The Stooges do the same drinking and sitting around as always, only now with more 50% more "Radar Love!" Sam kvetches about meeting women, so JBL decides to jumpstart the night by humping the juke box as he plays a song featuring the refrain "giddy-up, horsey." Zooey Deschanel Lite enters the frame and starts dancing with him, followed by a smattering of bachelorette-party drunkies.
Shots are poured, and The Drunkettes bring the umbrella drinks and appletinis to The Stooges' table. A blondie saunters over to Sam, sits down, looks entirely too intensely into his eyes, and plants one on him. Everyone giggles like junior highers at their first make-out party. Blondie follows up the kiss, saying, "I've had, like, seven Long Island iced teas." Her name is Taylor; they exchange numbers. JBL picks up on the impressive disinhibiting effects of alcohol and decides to get ZDL some more shots.
ZDL dares JBL to dance like a stripper. Everyone's game for a lap dance, but JBL -- who backed it up to the jukebox not ten minutes ago -- throws a mini- tantrum, screaming, "I'm not your monkey!" ZDL moves on to Ben, but Ben says he can't dance for free or he'll lose his union card. Ha! Then it's on Sam, who claims he has a trick knee. The Drunkettes realize that the lameness of these guys is insurmountable, even though they've slathered themselves in social lubricant, so they split. The Stooges end the night alone, surrounded by empty glasses.
The day at The Bench, Sam opens the vessel box. Inside, he finds an 8-track called "Love, Bullets, & Blacktop." JBL asks about Taylor, but Sam says he's not her type (i.e. she's not Andi) and quickly refocuses on the vessel. It's the soundtrack to a '70s flick. The first track is -- you got it! -- "Radar Love." Sam says it's a sign since he keeps hearing that song. Ben suggests he listen to the 8-track to figure it out.
Out in the aisles, Sam wonders where to play the 8-track. Andi walks up and grabs it from him. If only she had grabby hands with his other vessel… She says her dad had a lot of them and that her mom probably still has a player, if he wants to come over and listen to it. (Wink, wink.) Sam's phone rings; it's Taylor. Andi stands nearby and sips coffee awkwardly while Sam squirms at having to talk to Girl Gone Wild in front of the love of his life. After hanging up, he tells Andi it was his dentist, but she heard Taylor's voice. Busted. He hightails it out of there.
Sam retreats to the break room to refill the coffee machine. It emits a Vesuvian cloud of steam that transports Sam to a train wreck. He sees WiseGuy, who almost immediately moves on to Taylor. He points out a mint condition '73 GTO and says the driver and passenger walked away unscathed. Sam guesses they're souls. In the words of Michelle Tanner, "You got it, dude." WiseGuy says their names were Kit and Holly and that this will be a particular challenge, but Sam should be able to "seal the deal." He ham-handedly segues back to Taylor. He tells Sam to stroke her earlobe. There is a demonstration. He warns Sam not to wait too long or "she'll be out of your life like a forgotten song." Cue "Radar Love." Sam walks over to the GTO and asks what the deal is with the song, but WiseGuy has already vanished.
The day, in The Bench's parking lot, The Stooges chat while transporting a massive AC unit. Ben says he found Love, Bullets, & Blacktop online, and they yutz on about the film until they've lost the customer. They drop the AC unit in the middle of the lot for him to find. As always, A-1 service at The Bench.
On a TV inside, a reporter details a fatal crash involving a classic car. Interestingly, the driver and passenger escaped unharmed. Sam eyes the 8-track. The Stooges appear, and Sam notes that blue muscle cars were in both accidents. He asks if they know anyone who specializes in old cars. Ben mentions someone named Russell. Cut to Russell, and it's Booger from Revenge of the Nerds! With a rat 'stache! Even JBL doesn't want to talk to him. Ouch. Sam advises the others to be impassive so Russell doesn't mistake their using him for friendship.
As they approach, JBL smack-talks Russell until they're about six inches from him, then shouts out an enthusiastic greeting. Russell opens with, "There is some fine-ass tail in The Bench today." And I love him already. They ask him what type of car is pictured on the 8-track; it's a '71 Malibu. He leads them over to his own car, which is similar…"only a little more excellent." Sam asks if there's a special dealership for cars like this. Russell mentions a car club in Chinatown and suggests they "score some vodka" and make an afternoon of it. But alas! He has to work a double. "The ladies don't pay for themselves, you know what I'm saying?" Russell gives them the address and invites them over to his place. Ben is enthused, but JBL punches him in the groin before he can agree. Best. Scene. Ever.
Down in Chinatown, JBL mocks the motorheads. Ben astutely points out that JBL does not, in fact, own a car. So there. Ben asks how they can find Kit and Holly. Sam lifts up the 8-track player, Say Anything-style, and blasts "Radar Love." They spot a couple dancing sexily across the parking lot. Then some doofus comes over, shuts off the song, and asks if they have "Free Bird." Thus, the seductive spell of Golden Earring is broken. The couple sees The Stooges watching them, and they skedaddle.
JBL and Sam chase after them on foot while Ben jumps in the car. JBL and Sam reach a roof parking deck just as the couple swan-dives off the roof. Downstairs, Ben wonders where the other two are, but is interrupted when the souls rudely slam down on the hood of his car. They hop into a beige Pacer, and zip off as The Stooges stare in disbelief.
Back at The Bench, Taylor walks up to -- who else? Andi. They engage in a conversation in which one person (not Taylor) is privy to something essential but refuses to acknowledge it. Notably, Taylor tries to dig up dirt on Sam, such as whether he's single, and asks Andi to tell him she stopped by. Andi's smile quickly fades once Taylor's out of sight.
Outside, Sam walks up and sees JBL hurrying to the parking lot. He takes a picture of Russell's car, which he will post online to lure Kit and Holly. Sam points out that they might not dig the orange color, so Ben Photoshops it blue.
Andi intercepts Sam heading to the Garden Center and hazes him about Taylor's visit. She asks if Sam will call Taylor. He's not sure, and asks what she thinks. Given their relationship dynamic, she is rendered powerless by such a blindingly stupid question, and says he should. He says he'll think about it. They diverge, and she backs away with an uncertain look on her face.
Sam contemplates calling Taylor as he walks into the Garden Center. He passes behind a leafy tree and whoosh, he's suddenly in a churchyard. WiseGuy is sitting on a bench, and Sam asks if it's a little close for comfort. WiseGuy says it's okay because "me and the Big Guy have an understanding -- I stay out of his house, he lets me play with his toys." Sam assures WiseGuy that he's on the case, but WiseGuy's there to soliloquize about the purity and passion of Kit and Holly's lust for life. Sam calls it love, but WiseGuy says au contraire, that love is just a concept the French invented to mask a hormonal phenomenon that "all comes down to endorphins and genitalia."
As Sam gawps at WiseGuy's brashness, a wedding lets out of the church, and the bride is the same one from the bachelorette party. WiseGuy lets Sam in on a little secret -- the groom banged the maid of honor the night before. He takes this as proof that Sam should abandon his unrequited love and surrender to his urges. He then departs, saying, "Don't forget! Earlobe!" Of course Taylor walks up and asks why Sam's there, especially since he never called her and his job is two miles away. She exonerates him for brushing her off, but isn't interested in any more -- that is, until he asks her out. What's that I hear? Is Sam growing a pair?
Sam returns to The Bench, where JBL and Ben are heading outside to meet Kit and Holly. They stand by Russell's car and lay out the plan -- Ben will stall the souls until JBL says a code word ("jambalaya"), then Sam will hop out from behind a van, and retro-reap them. Foolproof, right? Sam even acknowledges that it's a stupid plan, but it's too late because Sam and Holly have arrived.
They linger in their car, staring at Russell's. Only Kit eventually steps out of the car, which puts a kink in their plan. He complains that the car isn't blue, but JBL says they can paint it. Kit wants to see the inside, so JBL describes it, attempting to casually slip in that Holly should get out of the car. Kit slams JBL against the van and asks why he's so interested in Holly. JBL yelps, "Jambalaya!" Sam jumps out with the 8-track, shooting tape out of the deck that snakes around Kit's body and pulls him into the deck. Before that, he tells Holly he'll meet her at midnight. She speeds off before Sam can finish the reap.
Sam and JBL sit at the bar trying to formulate a plan. Ben walks up and drops the copy of Love, Bullets, & Blacktop on the table. The only problem? It's in Betamax. Now let's see here: which vodka-scoring, 'stache-sporting Bench employee might have a Betamax player?
Cut to Russell's House of Kitsch. Some of the highlights include palm-tree wallpaper, an old-school wet bar, and "a dual 18 subwoofer that will blow a chick's panties clean off." They sit down for the movie, but Russell cuts it off about half a second in and calls himself a terrible host because they didn't get high yet. He offers some peyote, plus assorted "party enhancers" -- Angel Tears, horse tranqs, Jelly Babies, Muskies, Happy Flakes, and poppers. Tastes like candy!
They all pass, which bums Russell out, but not for long because Holly drives the Pacer, "Radar Love" a-blarin', into his living room. She breaks a lamp against the wall and holds the broken end against Sam's jugular. She demands the 8-track. Lucky for them, Russell has a similar-looking one nearby. Sam hands it over, and Holly zooms off. The Stooges gawk out of the hole she left in the wall, then dig Russell out of a pile of debris. His first thought? "Flush the drugs." Quite the opposite, my retro rube. I think now would be a good time for some Happy Flakes.
This escapade lands Russell in the hospital, but back at The Bench, Sam has purloined his Betamax. As he tries to hook it up, Andi appears and lures him to her "Ted-Free Zone" -- the secret hiding place she constructed behind a wheeled pallet of boxes. They eat popcorn and giggle as the cheesy '70s dialogue swells. The make-out party vibe is back in effect. Eventually, she falls asleep on Sam's shoulder, eliciting an adorable smile. He looks back at the movie and sees a sign for Midnight Autobody. He now understands what Kit said to Holly before the reap.
The Prius pulls up to Midnight Auto Body. They spot the beige Pacer. Creeping around inside, JBL asks if Sam sees Holly. He says no…just before she sneaks up, wraps a chain around his ankles, and pulls him to the ground. The 8-track pops out of the player and slides under a truck on the oil-change lift nearby. Holly moves on to Ben. She pins him down and demands to know where Kit is, but JBL rams into her with a jacked-up engine. It looks like a TKO, and JBL stands over her screaming, "Suck on that, sugar lips!" He calls for Sam to get the vessel, but Sam can't find it, which gives Holly time to regroup. She gets up and punches JBL right in the kisser. Commercials.
Back at Midnight, the guys' feet and hands are bound. There is general agreement amongst The Stooges that Holly will kill them when she realizes she has the wrong 8-track. She drags Sam away from the others and pulls out a blowtorch. Ben warns her that Kit will never be free if she kills them, but she says she'll just torch the place. Sam offers to let her go if she will let them go. He tells her she can start over and find a new boyfriend, but she says she'll never find someone like Kit -- "all fire and passion and danger." She asks if Sam likes danger. He geeks, "I dabble."
Just as she's about to torch our huh-ro, JBL and Ben distract her by singing "Radar Love." Its entrancing melody compels her to dance. Sam sweeps her ankles and runs to find the vessel. He grabs it just as she drops the truck down on him. He gets out just in time, though, and hops up to send that 8-track tape a-flyin'. With that, she's sucked back to the abyss. JBL and Ben sing a joyous chorus of "Radar Love" in celebration.
The celebration continues at the bar, where they're taking shots. Taylor shows up, and Sam tells the guys to disappear. As they sit and chat, she pegs him for a timid guy who never does anything spontaneous or edgy. This prompts him to take her into a utility closet for some hanky-panky. As he sucks on her earlobe, she asks how he knew to do that. Remembering where he got this information, he gets cold feet. She's confused since he brought her in there in the first place, but he thinks they should slow down.
Back out in the bar, WiseGuy sips a brew. He apologizes for pushing Sam to get with Taylor, mocking, "I had no idea you were a homosexual." He says he wanted Sam to get the girl for once in his life, but Sam says that Taylor isn't the girl he wants. WG smirks that Sam is "holding out for true love," and reminds him that there is no such thing. Sam calls WiseGuy out for tempting him with Taylor and trying to mold him into someone more…well…like WiseGuy. He asks if WiseGuy's been in love. WiseGuy says he always found lust more satisfying. Sam says, "Yeah, you would," and walks out. Bar-thetic fallacy alert! A boppy song on the jukebox switches to one about loneliness, and WiseGuy sits by himself, drinking his beer and looking mournful.
week: Sam's going to prison…and JBL is his lawyer?! And Mitch Pileggi is there, threatening to beat JBL's face with a phone book. You speak for the multitudes, Mitch Pileggi.