For a change of pace, we find Sam at The Bench at night. He's type-type-typin' away on the computer. Andi walks up and asks him if he's ready to leave. The whole gang is headed out for a night of -- say it with me now -- karaoke! They make a cute plan to rock some "Bohemian Rhapsody," and Sam flashes a flirty smile. She tells him not to take too long, and he says he'll only be 10 minutes, which of course means that something will delay him.
Everyone leaves, and Sam begins to flip off the lights. He hears a suspicious noise just as he cuts off the last light, leaving him in the dark. He pulls a typical horror-flick move and shouts out, "Hello? Is anybody here?" His investigation takes him to the Garden Center, where he notices a hole burnt into the top of the chain link fence. He looks up and sees the silhouette of a demon descending. As it lurches toward him, it transforms into a Fed-Ex-style messenger. Devilivery Guy is here to hand off Sam's contract -- a thick book that looks to be hundreds of thousands of pages long. Devilivery Guy begins the time-consuming intake process -- "Sign here…initial there…" -- making Sam nervous about missing karaoke with Andi. Sam even desperately invites him to tag along, plugging the half-off Jello shots. Unsurprisingly, Devilivery Guy couldn't care less, and the signing continues, we can assume, late into the night.
The morning at 667, JBL tosses Froot Loops on a sleeping Sam. One even lands in his mouth and nearly chokes him to death. So sayeth Miss Dionne Warwick: "That's what friends are for." JBL asks what happened last night, and Sam says he had to sign for three hours. JBL asks what he plans to do with the contract, and Sam says he'll try to find a loophole. So far, though, it's been tough since the contract is a convoluted mix of legalese and Latin. As Sam gets out of bed, he slips and smacks his head on the floor, then slides all over his bedroom floor. STW alert!
The Prius rolls into The Bench. Sam gets out of the car and face-plants again. Ultimately, JBL has to help Sam walk through the parking lot. This means they must hold hands like lovahs, much to the consternation of The Bench's older clientele. But JBL is here, and he's queer, so get used to it! Sam asks what he missed last night. JBL answers that it was awesome, then quickly reneges. Sam prods JBL as they walk inside. As they enter, JBL gives in, gesturing to Andi, who is sitting in the food court with Greg, that collegiate Lothario. JBL says Greg showed up last night and bought everyone drinks. More importantly, he chatted up Andi on the couch. JBL then drags Sam to the back room, where he duct-tapes Sam's shoes so he'll stop sliding. Sam knows that it looks like he blew Andi off. JBL says that he "knows some people" who can take care of Greg. But Sam's all, "Dude, I know The Devil."
Duct tape in place, Sam walks noisily through the parking lot, where Andi invites him over to chat. They watch as Tedager inspects his car, and Andi reveals that she put a note (from someone else) on his car apologizing for hitting it. The catch? No one did, and Tedager has been looking for the damage for 10 minutes now. Sam chips in on the prank by asking Tedager what happened to his car. Flustered Tedager starts to call the number on the note, which, Andi tells Sam, is the Regional Manager's number.
Andi asks Sam why he flaked last night and notes that it's becoming a habit. She asks what's going on, but he can't tell her the truth, so he stammers an excuse about late-night jogging in preparation for a triathlon. She calls bull and storms off. Meanwhile, hapless Tedager is berates the RM over the phone…that is, until he realizes who he's talking to, at which point he backpedals like it's his job. And, come to think of it, it probably is.
Sam walks through The Bench. He hears a spooky voice beckoning him from the bathroom. He goes in, but the lights won't turn on. Suddenly, we see a flash of light and WiseGuy's ugly mug as he shouts, "Boo!" Har har. The bathroom transforms into a sewer as WiseGuy laughs heartily at his own joke. Sam: "I really don't care for you." WG smugly asks about Andi, and Sam gives him last night's rundown. WiseGuy tells Sam not to worry about Greg because they'll deal with him when the time comes. Sam says there will be no dealing with Greg and that they should stick to dealing with his job. Denied his chance to strut like an evil peacock, WiseGuy's all, "Fine, be that way," and gets to the business at hand.
He shines his flashlight into a puddle of water, where we see a young-ish woman who was an upstanding member of the community. Key word: was. Sam rightly guesses she's dead. Turns out, she slipped, fell, and "cracked her pretty head open on a toilet." WiseGuy then flashes on a reporter who fell down a stairwell and snapped his spine. Both were considered accidents. But we know the truth! Sam asks who the people were and why they're in a sewer. As per usual, WiseGuy resists helping him out. But after some back-and-forth, he says he'll point the way, and shines his flashlight in Sam's face before disappearing.
Sam screams -- to no one, like always -- and starts to walk away. Of course, he slips. When he gets up, he notices that his hand is covered in green goo. He looks up and sees the same gak dripping from a ladder. He climbs the ladder up to the street, where he spies a silhouette walking in the middle of the street some distance away. The second, a car rounds a corner, barreling toward him. Sam tries to warn the silhouette, to no avail, and the guy explodes into a million globs of green goo on contact. The car ricochets and bursts into flames. Sam heads over to help too late, but -- on the clue front -- sees a card for a lawyer named Edward Fazio to the car. Behind him, the slime oozes back into the manhole.
Back at The Bench, Sam recounts what just happened. He pulls out the vessel box and opens it…behold! It's a Fair Isle sweater adorned with a snowman and snowwoman. Ben asks if it's the Devil who gave it to Sam, or his grandmother. JBL pipes in that maybe Sam will wear it, and the soul will laugh himself back to Hell. Unfazed by their joshing, Sam says they should head back to the sewer.
Sam's dad interrupts them to return Sam's wallet, which fell out of his pocket during an STW-related incident. As Sam closes his locker, Dad notices the contract. Sam swiftly shuts the locker. Dad offers to look through the contract, but Sam says no. They walk out, and Dad admits that the contract brought back feelings of guilt. He says he wants to meet with the Devil to arrange a barter. He can trade his soul for Sam's by putting to use his devilishly good advertising skills, such as creating cartoon mascots to sell cigarettes to kids. Sam reluctantly agrees.
As Sam walks out, he passes Andi, who has received a gorgeous bouquet of lilies. Tedager walks up to castigate Sam for interoffice romancing, but Sam clarifies that he didn't send them. Andi states the obvious -- they're from Greg. Tedager heartily approves since he once had a conversation with Greg about ceiling fans. Sam says the lilies are nice, and Andi comes back that his sweater is a real sexy number. She asks where Sam's headed. He vagues an obvious lie, sparking her annoyance. He admits that he hasn't been 100 percent honest with her and says that he has some things to tell her. They make a date to talk it out that evening -- and I, for one, am positive he'll make it there, and right on time, nay early! (Sarcasm.) Sam walks out, but only after taking a header at the door.
The Stooges arrive at the crash site, outfitted in Wellies. They pop open the manhole and reel back at its stank aroma. Luckily, Ben has some strawberry lip balm with which they can coat their nostrils. As they navigate the underground, Sam says he plans to come clean with Andi. JBL points out that the truth might make Andi think Sam's crazy, but Sam counters that she probably already does.
Their girl talk is interrupted when Ben spots a trail of slime a few yards ahead. Sam follows the trail through a drainpipe and ends up outside an estate, where a political fundraiser for City Council hopeful Bobby Hartford is taking place. JBL immediately zeroes in on the open bar, but they're quickly intercepted by Hartford himself. Security rolls up to handle the situation, and Sam tries to cover by saying they knew Ed Fazio. Wrong move. Upon hearing Fazio's name Hartford threatens to call the police. Sam tells Hartford that Fazio died a few hours before, but Hartford just smirks and calls a goon over to escort The Stooges out.
As they leave, JBL low-talks that he thinks Hartford is the soul, since he didn't care about Fazio's death. Sam says maybe, and JBL says there's only one way to find out. He grabs the sweater-vessel and sprints back to Hartford, pulling it over his head. They wrassle around as security tries to pry JBL off. The brouhaha climaxes with JBL and Hartford crashing into a buffet table. Cut to The Stooges being cuffed and carted off by the police. Sam has lost his sweater-vessel. Behind them, the blob disappears into a fountain.
Cut to the clink. JBL sizes up the place to figure out whose ass he can kick so he doesn't become somebody's bitch. He strides over to an innocent-enough-looking guy and asks what he's in for. Triple homicide. All righty then. JBL skulks away. As he frets about the potential for nonconsensual sodomy, Sam worries about finding the sweater-vessel.
Luckily for The Stooges, Josie arrives to spring them. As she signs their release papers, Josie reveals that Hartford doesn't want legal attention, both because he's about to announce his candidacy for City Council and because his family's chemical company is about to be sued for illegal dumping going back to when Hartford Sr. ran the company. Sam picks up on the tidbit about Senior, and all-knowing, all-revealing Josie confirms that he's dead and calls him a slimeball. Subtle.
They walk down the street talking about Señor Slimer, when Sam realizes he's three hours late to meet Andi. As he runs out, JBL and Ben offer to double back and retrieve the sweater-vessel from Hartford's trash.
Sam knocks on Andi's door, and her mom answers. She's less than helpful, but Sam gleans that Andi went out -- probably with Greg. Mom closes the door after the awkward encounter, and Sam does a mime-style dance of anguish, which Andi's mom gets to observe when she re-opens the door to send greetings to Sam's parents.
Sam gets in his car, where WiseGuy scares the Beelzebub out of him. WiseGuy notes that Sam has been distracted, so he's dug up some dirt on Greg. He takes out a picture, which he claims is of the "slutty twins" that Greg is dating. Sam calls out WiseGuy for tempting him, even though he obviously has no plan -- save to "outcharm" Greg. WiseGuy wishes Sam an unenthusiastic good luck. As WiseGuy exits the Prius, Sam says he thinks Hartford Senior is the soul. WiseGuy confirms, giving the old "sins of the father" spiel, which reminds Sam to ask WiseGuy about meeting with Dad. WiseGuy gets a hard look in his eye and ominously tells Sam that he will not be negotiated with on this point.
At Hartford's, JBL and Sam dumpster-dive while Ben reads up. He points out that Fazio was the lawyer on the suit against the Hartfords. He shows Sam a picture of Fazio with the activists -- Slimer's victims from earlier. While searching, they discover about 800 bags of cat litter. They chat briefly about the tricky situation with Andi, and JBL tries to comfort Sam with an irrelevant anecdote. Sam would rather dig through a pile of garbage than listen to this ignoramus, so he continues searching.
JBL then finds the sweater-vessel, which is snagged on something. As JBL and Sam try to extricate it, Señor Slime blobs Ben from behind, smothering him with slime as he drags him through the yard. JBL comes to the rescue as only he can -- smacking Señor Slime with bags of kitty litter while Sam tries to free the sweater-vessel. Sam finally pulls the sweater-vessel free and runs over, but Señor Slime has already let Ben go and oozed off into the sewer. Ben catches his breath and realizes he's covered in goop and kitty litter. Commercials.
Now normally I just fast-forward through the commercials, but I was delighted this break to behold a musical short featuring -- who else? -- WiseGuy! Perversely set to "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year," it features WiseGuy gallivanting through falling leaves and such. He mugs with a jack o' lantern, and his used-car-salesman smile is even more blindingly white than usual. WiseGuy's elated, you see, to wish us a "Happy Halloween from Reaper!"
Back at 667, Sam collapses onto the bed. Just then, Dad flips on the lights and asks Sam if he scheduled the meeting with WiseGuy. Sam admits it's not going to happen. Dad goes all rageaholic, slamming the door and screaming. Sam tries to calm him by offering a look at the contract. Dad promises not to let Sam down.
The morning, Sam visits Josie to wrap up the post-prison paperwork. As he signs, Andi calls to invite Josie on a double date. Sam tries to act cool, but Josie stokes his jealousy by saying she thinks Greg is good for Andi. Sam lets it slip about the "slutty twins," then immediately backpedals and asks Josie not to mention anything to Andi. Of course she refuses and reaches out to pick up her phone. In doing so, she knocks a cup of coffee over, causing Sam to drop the sweater-vessel. She grabs paper towels, but the sweater-vessel does a remarkable job of soaking up the coffee. JBL enters with a newspaper and points out that a new lawyer has joined the Hartford suit, and it will resume today. They make tracks.
The Stooges zip over to the new lawyer's apartment. She finishes her workout and heads to the shower, inspiring much leering and musing from Ben and JBL. But Sam spies slime on the tip of her water pipe and curtails their pervery. There, they discuss how she'll freak out when she sees them. On cue, she screams at the scruffy intruders. They try to tell her they're from the water company, but she doesn't buy it. Pointless anyway, because she's quickly startled as Señor Slime seeps out of her drain. The Stooges tear her from the shower, and Sam jams the sweater-vessel into the drain -- just not quickly enough. He runs out to the sewer, and the others exit behind him.
The Stooges run through the sewers. JBL thinks he hears Señor Slime in the pipes, so they bust one open, which unleashes a stream of steam separating Sam -- without the sweater-vessel -- from the others. Señor Slime approaches Sam from behind, covering Sam's mouth with his oozing hand. As Sam and Señor Slime struggle, JBL dons the sweater-vessel and boldly runs through the steam. He embraces them both in a bear hug, sucking Señor Slime into his Fair Isle goodness. This leaves JBL and Sam covered in gak and engaged a torrid embrace. JBL rejoices, "I jumped in there and nailed that gooey bastard!" As Ben watches the HoYay!, they realize that they're stuck in this position since the slime has dried up and formed a crusty shell.
Still locked in their tight embrace, they roll up to the DMV to deliver the vessel to the Gladys. She sternly tells them to "Place the vessel on the mat," but JBL's still immobilized. She offers to extract them, whips out some awesome lethal-looking Freddy Krueger claws, and clinks them together sadistically. Unfortunately, the rest of the scene was left on the editing room floor.
Extracted and de-slimed, The Stooges return to The Bench. Sam stocks some shelves, and Andi comes up to confront him about Greg's supposed "slutty twin" girlfriends. Turns out they're his sisters. Thanks, WiseGuy! She asks pointedly, "What would possess you to say something like that?" He says someone gave him wrong information, but says he can't remember who. She grows frustrated with Sam's secretiveness and tells him to stay out of her private life.
We return to 667, where WiseGuy is in Sam's room, aptly playing games -- an old-school video game, to be precise. Sam walks in and calls WiseGuy out for setting him up. WiseGuy faux-apologizes, but Sam accuses him of doing it on purpose to remove the Andi distraction from Sam's life. WiseGuy points out that Sam said he was going to take the high road -- until it really mattered. Sam says he was being stupid, and WiseGuy notes that Sam is usually stupid around Andi.
Then WiseGuy stops pussyfooting and says he knows that Sam was going to tell Andi about his work. He sternly warns Sam that it would be a very bad idea. He adds, "Usually it doesn't end well for those mortals that end up on my radar," and proceeds to list everyone dear to Sam. In conclusion, Sam's secret dies with him, and he better think long and hard about letting Andi into the ring of fire. The episode ends with a cross-cut as WiseGuy VOs, "It's noble to protect the ones you love. If you really care about someone, sometimes it's safer to keep them in the dark," and we cut to Sam's dad reading the contract in the study. He rips out a page, tosses it in the fire, and watches as it burns. Scandalicious!
week: It's Halloween! Sam wears a giant pumpkin costume! There's a werewolf! And Patton Oswalt! With a shotgun for a hand! Get excited.