As usual, subtlety reigns supreme as Sam wakes up for another day of hellmouth-ing off, his hand on a remote for a video game whose on-screen character shouts, "You're dead!" Sam goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but lo! Every time he lifts the brush to his mouth, a squirming bug is there. It appears his Secret Talent of the Week will be morning breath. In fact, this week has not so much talent as pestilence, as we soon learn.
In the Bench parking lot, JBL rolls carts while holding an apple in his mouth. In my head, he twirls around on a spit over smoldering coals. Is that wrong? Sam says he's starving because everything he puts to his mouth has bugs on it, so he asks JBL to feed him. (HoYay!) Naturally, Andi walks into the middle of this scene, but wisely chooses to ignore it. She invites Sam to coffee after a lecture at the college. Sam makes an excuse, and JBL covers -- something about bone marrow donation -- then digs into Sam for wussing out of a date with the girl of his dreams. Sam says he didn't want to look stupid in front of collegiates and that it's not a good time to start dating -- on account of the whole Satan's-bidding thing. JBL points out that Sam is lame and has no life, then denies him sympathy. Sam pulls the pest card, taking JBL's hand. A bug appears. Of course, JBL thinks that's cool. Sam 0, bugs 1.
Inside the Bench, Tedager asks Sam if he ever feels lost. Sam doesn't feel the need to answer because "lost" is his middle name. Tedager pontificates that he, too, once had a long, steep road up…to the position of warehouse manager. He had to "shake off some serious addiction problems." Tedager's addictions? Gambling…and shoes. Now that he's ascended to the apron-less life, Tedager's got the remedy for Sam's directionless life -- toilets. He offers Sam a position at Assistant Manager of the Plumbing Department, then puts a nail in the coffin, saying, "I see a spark of the old me in you." When Sam resists, Tedager points out that Sam's pipe dreams of moving beyond The Bench require skills, and that Sam's skills are limited to "tardiness and general ineptitude." Harsh.
Outside, Sam carts around some mulch. He hears whistling and finds WiseGuy in the Garden Center shed. WiseGuy joins the Sam hazing, suggesting that the shed would be a lovely alternative to Sam's living with his parents. Sam ignores him and demands the vessel. WiseGuy notes Sam's impatient tone and asks what's wrong. Sam explains the promotion would seal his fate to be a Work Bench employee for the rest of his lame-ass life. WiseGuy asks Sam what he wants. Sam gives the brilliant response of "Something that doesn't suck."
WiseGuy resurrects the dead-end conversation by giving Sam a pink slideshow camera. Instead of unicorns and puppies, the slides include various dead middle-aged women -- one died from anaphylactic shock, one from West Nile, and one from an bug bite-related infection. Oh yeah, and there's one of WiseGuy with a starlet at the Emmys. Sam mentions they were all killed by bugs, and WiseGuy adds that all three deaths occurred in the last two months but gives Sam no more information, except to "follow the bugs." As WiseGuy leaves, Sam screams out for the vessel but is interrupted when he walks right into the box.
On a break, The Stooges sit at a drive-through. Sam describes the promotion, and JBL launches into Number One of this week's nonsensical JBL time-fillers, repeatedly calling Sam a kiss-ass. (And let's just stop and ponder: why hasn't Ben been promoted? He's clearly the brains of this operation. Tedager, you're a racist!) The whole conversation is ridiculous and -- like many of the elements of this show -- blatantly designed for the sole purpose of achieving some writer's goal. The conversation does, however, have two highlights: 1) JBL coins the term "ass gasket." 2) Ben and JBL squabble when Ben wants to order a salad, and JBL insists that it's "chick order." The whole scene evokes some sort of dysfunctional family dramedy, starring JBL as a rageaholic macho-man dad.
Sam eventually diverts his attention and spots an exterminator van. Heeding WiseGuy's advice to "follow the bugs," he tells JBL to trail the van. They end up at Horseshoe Court apartments. They puzzle whether the exterminator is the escapee, then overhear him saying he'll have to fumigate the whole complex. At that, a swarm of bees flies in his van to attack. Sam breaks the van's window, but too late, and the bees fly away, leaving a swollen corpse behind.
JBL jitters as The Stooges enter The Bench. He claims bugs got in his pants. Meanwhile, Ben and Sam have determined that this week's escapee lives in the apartment complex, and that the exterminator's attempt to kill the bugs caused the escapee to sic them on him. JBL antes in on the game with some stolen mail from the complex out of his pants.
JBL then spots Andi with another guy in The Bench's food court. None of them know who it is, but -- judging from the well-kempt, clued-in look of the guy -- he ain't from around here. Moreover, he's got the generically pleasant appeal of Election-era Chris Klein and a dash of goofy-handsome John Krasinski style; plus he's wearing a pink-and-white Oxford -- hot. JBL is quick to conclude that Andi met this guy at the lecture she invited Sam to attend, and that the pair will probably get married and leave Sam in the dust. If only the writers would allow Andi the good fortune. Sam goes over to greet/interrogate him. We learn that his name is Greg, he goes to the college, and he's totally into Andi.
Greg's convincing Andi to go back to school full-time. For Sam's part, this means Andi would have to quit The Bench. He tries to dissuade her, saying that huge loans will land her back at The Bench. Greg counters that having a college degree might actually lead to a *gasp* career -- with a salary! And a future! As someone with a master's degree and an entry-level job, I beg to differ. But we'll suspend disbelief for now, if only to focus on Sam's dismal future. So futureless Sam comes back at Greg's tantalizing with, "There's a future here at Work Bench -- toilets! Everybody needs 'em." Andi smiles awkwardly. Greg digs the knife in deeper, saying, "I'm not knockin' you, Sam. I'm just saying Andi could be so much more." And he's just summed up the essence of Sam's weakness in six words. With that stunning judgment, Greg departs. Andi cringes, then vamooses.
In the employees' lounge, JBL and Ben look through the stolen mail. Sam apprises them of the Andi situation but holds out hope that Andi will stay. Moving on, he asks the others if they found anything. Nothing unusual, it seems, until Sam spies mail belonging to Harold Bunsen. Ben locates a gas bill showing Bunsen moved into Horseshoe Court two months ago -- around the time the murders began. They suspect Bunsen, and JBL says they can know for sure.
Cut to the courthouse. Conveniently, JBL still has a set of Josie's keys from when they dated. He keeps it for "emergencies only," such as taking naps at her apartment. Then we see a regrettable gag involving Josie's log-in password "grumpy," a.k.a. JBL's weenis. Sam -- to the relief of all -- declines to learn the history of this nickname.
While Sam searches for Bunsen, JBL keeps watch outside and launches into the Number Two time-filler: hitting on everything that moves. He then sees Josie making her way toward the office and tells Sam to get out, but Sam's found nothing, so JBL must stall. Josie's boss introduces himself as "Daniel Scofield, District Attorney." JBL gives it right back to him: "Bert Wysocki, King of Beers." After DSDA walks off, JBL tastefully accuses Josie of banging her boss. (Sarcasm.) Then he spits out a last-ditch yelp that he has cancer…or had a dream about cancer…or something. By the time he's done with that monologic train wreck, Sam has found what he needs, so JBL wraps up, and Josie orders him never to come to her office again.
In the car, they peruse more stolen documents on Bunsen. (Side note: It is a travesty that Bunsen wasn't the escapee in the series premiere. Bunsen Burner -- come on!) Back in the '60s, Bunsen was the prime suspect in the mysterious murder of his wife, but there was never enough evidence to charge him. Then he disappeared in '72. Sam thinks that's when he died and went to hell, but can't reckon why Bunsen would escape Hell just to whack old broads. JBL confirms the escapee's MO upon seeing a photo of Mrs. Bunsen's corpse, which was found in a compost heap, completely devoured by bugs. He suggests they blow off this reap, but Sam wants to check out the vessel first.
Back at The Bench, The Stooges stand in front of the smoking box. They open it…and it's a toaster. Ben observes that the vessel has to be plugged in. The remedy? Many, many extension cords, courtesy of this week's "What can I steal from The Bench to do the Devil's bidding?" moment.
Outfitted with about 43 miles of orange extension cords, The Stooges head over to Bunsen's. JBL and Ben look for an outlet in the laundry room while Sam spies on Bunsen. Because it wouldn't be a complete episode without the vessel breaking in some way -- and because JBL is a jackass -- he decides to test out the vessel. Ben protests, but JBL flips the switch and sends a shower of sparks out of the toast slots. For good measure, he beats the toaster with a broom, screaming, "Die, toaster, die!" I can't speak for the vessel, but at least Ben didn't get hurt…yet.
By Bunsen's apartment, Sam looks on as Bunsen indulges in a fairly wholesome afternoon, save for swarming bees filling his apartment. JBL and Ben join Sam, which attracts Bunsen's attention. The bees furiously fly toward The Stooges, smashing into a large glass window. The Stooges run like little girls and drive off, knocking Sam's Work Bench vanity tag off the Prius. Bunsen picks it up, with machinations dancing in his head.
Back at The Bench, Ben fixes the vessel while Sam develops a game plan. JBL announces that he's bailing. Sam reaffirms that he is the only one obligated to perform these tasks, but Ben is gung-ho to squash them bugs. Ben figures out the toaster's problem, but fixing it will require ordering parts. Sam says he'll go it alone rather than getting Ben hurt again. Then Sam and Andi get called to Tedager's office over the loudspeaker. As Sam heads out, JBL calls him a kiss-ass, and Ben calls JBL a coward. Zing!
In Tedager's office, Sam refuses the Assistant Manager position, so Tedager gives it to Andi. She flatly refuses it. He tells her she has a week to think it over, but she blurts out that she won't be there week. She's decided to go back to school. Sam's visibly upset. Tedager channels David Brent/Michael Scott, saying, "Awkward…for both of you…almost for all three of us, actually, since I was right here when it happened."
Cut to the bar for Andi's congratulations get-together. JBL asks what the allure of college is, and Andi explains that she wants a career one day, not just a job, and that she'll never be able to buy a house on Work Bench wages. JBL counters that he has a house – his mom's. He's bringing sexy back, all right. Josie calls him out for being a leech, and supports Andi's decision to return to school. "This time it is going to stick," she says.
Sam tries to drown his sorrows, but -- ding, ding, responsibility alert! -- there's a bug in it. Also, WiseGuy's at the bar. Sam heads to the men's room for a tête-à-tête. WiseGuy asks what the problem is. Sam starts in on his foiled attempt to capture Bunsen, but WiseGuy is more concerned with Sam's Sir Mopes-a-Lot 'tude. Sam gives him the rundown on the Andi situation. WiseGuy berates Sam for being a wastrel in all areas of his life. He advises Sam to either get the girl or the soul, because he' s "tired of coddling" him. Sam asks if he's really coddling him, and WiseGuy responds in menacing tones, "Oh, Sam, you have no idea." I have to say, I much prefer WiseGuy when the evil comes out. Otherwise, he's just one tired bit away from a regular spot on Comedy Central roasts.
The morning, Sam pulls up to the empty Bench parking lot. As he fiddles with a cart, Bunsen sneaks up and startles him. He reveals that the escaped soul isn't him, but rather his mistress Gloria. She killed his wife and the exterminator. Sam mentions the dead middle-aged ladies, whose deaths Bunsen didn't even know about. He tells Sam this is proof that Gloria will kill anyone she considers a threat, including Sam. As Bunsen retreats, he warns Sam that Gloria is everywhere and sees everything. On cue, a bug flies over to its swarm, which takes the shape of the righteously angry Gloria.
Inside The Bench, Sam stares at extermination products. JBL, backseat reaper, advises Sam on products. He makes some elusive comment about why he can't join in on this mission. Sam says he understands, but JBL nonetheless ends up hijacking the whole operation. He picks out a variety of tools, including a gas mask and an insecticide backpack. Sam asks if JBL wants to come capture the soul. He does. And with that, another "What can I steal from The Bench to do the Devil's bidding?" moment, and they head out.
On the way, Sam stops for a chat with Andi. She admits that she's worried about school. She reads off a list of jargon that is supposedly the description for a statistics course she'll have to take. She wonders how she'll pass a course when she doesn't even understand its description. She asks Sam if she's making a mistake; he wisely skirts the answer. Then she brings up that she quit once before, but Sam gives her a pep talk and zeroes in on how she put her life on hold after her dad died. She agrees that it's time to move on. Sam's disheartened that he just gave his would-be girlfriend the inspiration to leave him behind in wholesale hell.
But there's no time to brood, because it's time for the final showdown between Evil and…Kind of Okay. At Horseshoe Court, Sam dons the jumpsuit, gas mask, etc. to smoke Bunsen out of his apartment, while Ben will keep track of the extension cord slack and JBL makes sure the cords are plugged in to one another. Of course, he gets distracted from his task when Gloria saunters up. Insert Ridiculous "JBL Tries To Be Smooth" Gag #587,886 here. Gloria asks what JBL is doing, and he suavely spills the whole plan to her. Then he attempts to ask her on a date, during which they will "launder some soiled clothing." And I don't know about you, but if Gloria opts out, sign me up! Sadly, I'll never know, because before she can answer, he tries to brush a bee off her forehead, and it sinks into her skin. Dun dun dun.
Back in the bug zone, Sam looks around for Bunsen. Ben blanches when he discovers that he's out of extension cord. Sam walks back out, and they both realize that JBL must be in peril. They run to the shed, where Gloria is pointing her stubby, bug-swarmed forearm at JBL's neck. He tells the others that he let it slip to Gloria that he's allergic to bees. She tells Sam to drop the toaster or she'll kill JBL. She snarls, "No one comes between Harold and me, not even the Devil himself!" Bad. Ass.
Just then, though, Bunsen shows up (convenient) and tells Gloria to give it up. Sam takes advantage of the distraction to tell Ben to plug the toaster back in. Bunsen admits that he wants Gloria gone and that he never actually loved her. He just dug the sex. Men… As Bunsen piles the scoundrelly revelations on Gloria, Sam tries to activate the toaster, to no avail. Then he realizes that it wasn't a toaster, but a bug zapper, and that fixing the toaster meant disabling the vessel. Gloria has now escalated from killin'-old-ladies-pissed to spittin' mad. She vows to take Bunsen to Hell with her and starts to boil over with bugs, finally spurting out a swarm of bees. As they buzz toward The Stooges and Bunsen, Sam gives the vessel one last shot. He jiggers the toaster with a coat hanger and slides it over to the swarm. It sucks all of them down in a flurry of sparks and red glow. JBL gives Bunsen some prudent advice: he shouldn't have told a crazy bitch (whom he sent to Hell) that he was only in it for the sex.
As they leave, JBL says he would totally hit it with Gloria and that her attempted him-icide only made him want her more, thus uncovering the operative dynamic in his relationship with Josie. Ben sages that it could have gone differently if Bunsen had just told Gloria the truth; instead, a bunch of people died and "he lived a miserable life." This makes Sam realize he doesn't want to live his life in misery. He sends JBL to turn in the vessel so he can tell Andi about his feelings. Sadly, this means no Gladys this week. Bah.
At the college, Sam finds Andi eating a delicious-looking cookie. He sways uncomfortably and mumbles some things before coming out with it. He admits that he doesn't like the idea of not working with Andi anymore. Fortunately for all of us, he needn't say anymore because Andi tells him that someone reported that the whole college was full of asbestos, so the college cancelled all its classes for the semester. She says it's weird, and Sam agrees. And then, surprise!, he looks over and sees WiseGuy issuing a car-salesman-worthy thumbs-up and smiling his gleaming-white-teeth best -- all while feeding a squirrel.
Back on the bench (not to be confused with The Bench), Andi admits she's relieved. She wasn't ready to resume her old life, and wants things to "stay exactly the same." She thinks she'll be ready to go back to school one day and even suggests that Sam could go back one day, too. Yeah, that's likely. But for the time being, they make a pact that nothing will change. He asks if he can finish her cookie. He eats it, and…no bugs! They sit on the bench and stare at the tarp-covered building, symbol of the accomplishment they'll probably never actually achieve. Good times.
week: A sword-wielding Rico Suave tries to skewer Sam's balls. Sam kvetches about the lack of vacation days on his job, so WiseGuy nearly has him run over by a truck, saying, "I trust I've made my point." Four episodes in, are things picking up a bit? Let's hope so.