Sam wakes up before work, rolling over and smacking his head on this week's vessel box. Despite the zen "I have purpose in life now" vibe he put out last week, he's miffed that he is now a schmuck with two crappy jobs. I suppose I can empathize with Sam's Sisyphean dilemma, but he is beholden to Satan after all. So, to Sam I say, "Quit yer yappin' and get to it!" But these words are unheeded on Reaper, because that advice would eliminate, like, 46 minutes of existential moaning, perhaps even advance the plot a little, and we can't have that in these here parts. No sir. So Sam starts opening the box, then wusses out.
Enter Sam's BFF Bert "Jack Black Lite" Wysocki. The two debate the subtle distinction between a minion of Satan (Sam) and one of his subjects (in this case, Linda Blair in The Exorcist). As the scene ends, we discover Sam's Secret Talent of the Week -- namely, that he's carrying an electromagnetic charge. This means he gets one heck of a shock whenever he touches metal. In honor of Pee-Wee Herman's Secret Word of the Day, I propose that, every time Sam idiotically walks into a "shocking" sight gag, everybody SCREEEEAM!
As they drive to work in the '92 Taurus station wagon, JBL asks Sam why he doesn't want to know what's in the box. He points out that Sam has finally found something he's good at. Sam counters that he's "good at stuff," but the list is pitiably short. JBL tells him to open the box. Sam says he left it at home, but now it's magically appeared on his back seat. They head to the woods to dump the vessel. The whole affair is, of course, unamusing, unsuccessful, and unfortunately laced with JBL's mildly homophobic patter. They reach The Bench, where they peek into the backseat and see that the box is not there. Then, in a gag I saw coming approximately 12 miles away, Sam steps out of the car and trips over the box.
Later, Sam, JBL, and their Latin coworker Ben walk together. Ben highlights the obvious -- Sam is an idiot for trying to resist Satan. Suddenly, the lights go out. Sam catches a glimpse of his reflection, and a skull briefly flashes over his face. The mildly spooky occurrence is spat upon when JBL says something stupid.
In the employees' lounge, Sam checks his weekly work assignment. His crush Andi sneaks up behind him and finds that she, too, is on cart duty. The gig entails roving the neighborhood in search of errant shopping carts. Is this really a job? She says it's her favorite rotation because it's basically an excuse to goof off all day, then return at shift's end with a cart. Sam wonders how she always finds a cart, and Andi reveals that she keeps at least three carts in her mom's back yard. Ladies and gentlemen, she's crafty. With that, Andi anticipates a fun week, since they'll essentially be dating every day instead of working.
Sam and JBL stock the shelves as Sam notes the happy coincidence that he won't have to get up the cojones to ask Andi on a date himself. WiseGuy Satan suddenly appears across the shelf from Sam and encourages him to open the vessel. This causes Sam to miss one of the jugs that JBL has tossed up. The jug flies over the shelf and wallops an old man square in the noggin.
As punishment for this screw-up, Bench manager Ted relegates Sam and JBL to the night shift. Sam protests because it will take him off cart duty, but JBL is pleased because he thinks it means he'll be paid to sleep. Tedager corrects this misapprehension, explaining that they'll have to inventory the whole store -- over two million items. It should take them, oh, about a year. They head outside, where JBL smashes a lawn chair and a birdhouse. Make that 1,999,998 items to inventory.
They head to Sam's house. Sam frets about keeping his allegiance to the Devil from his mother. JBL champions lying, and vows to keep Sam's secret. With his general finesse, I'm sure that'll last all of two seconds. And one…two… At dinner, Sam's mom asks about work. JBL does the whole "point out every specific element of a lie so as to deflect attention from said lie" song and dance. Awkwardness ensues. Ignoring the asshat to her right for a moment, Mom tells Sam he got a delivery, and drops the vessel on the table. JBL takes it, claiming it's for school. Mom zeroes in on the fact that JBL is not in school, but allows the box o' mystery issue to drop for the moment. (N.B.: Sam's doofus brother Kyle is conspicuously absent in this scene. I suspect he'll go the way of Marissa Cooper's sister from The O.C.)
Sam takes out the trash. Lightning emanates from the trashcan. Sam opens it and is transported to a roof with a view of the Space Needle. WiseGuy is disappointed that Sam refuses to open the vessel while Hell's escapees are out there wreaking havoc. Sam reminds WiseGuy that he's ill-suited to capture souls, suggesting he take up a new position as recruiter-slash-webmaster for Hell, but The Dark one ain't havin' it. He insists he needs Sam as a Reaper and calls Sam out for being afraid. WiseGuy advises Sam to keep plugging away. Sam asks, "And if I don't?" WiseGuy, for lack of a Zamboni, takes a kinder, gentler approach and mentions to Sam that if he doesn't do his job, "nice folks die." Whereas, if WiseGuy does his, bad folks die. It's a win-win, really.
Back at home, Sam finally opens the box. Inside…drum roll…a remote-controlled mini-truck like four-year-olds have. That Satan sure is a prankster with the vessels! Dad interrupts the anti-climax to take Sam outside and show him his belated twenty-first birthday gift -- a mint-green Prius. Sam calls bribe. They consider telling Mom the truth about Sam's moonlighting for Satan, but ultimately decide Sam will maintain the pretext for her sake. In exchange: A brand-new car!
At The Bench, Sam shows his new wheels to Ben and JBL. "My soul gets sold to the Devil, I get 42 miles to the gallon," he notes. "Sounds like a good deal to me," replies Ben. Nice. Then The Stooges stare at the new vessel. Ben wonders asks if WiseGuy gave Sam any kind of instructions. Sam says WiseGuy just sets him up for failure. Ben points out that he's Satan, and that's kind of his shtick. The power flares, forcing Sam to consider that someone probably just died because he's still sitting there doing nothing like a schlemiel. Ben -- who's quickly becoming the only redeeming male character in this show -- suggests they act, but Sam counters that they don't know their target.
Night shift at The Bench. In my ideal world, the show would immediately transform into a reenactment of that hallowed 1991 cinematic opus, Career Opportunities. I'm envisioning Bret Harrison as Frank Whaley, JBL as the chipmunk-faced Jennifer Connelly, and Rick Gonzalez (a.k.a. Ben) as some combination of Dermot Mulroney and his partner in crime. But I digress…
Sam sets about taking inventory of a drawer full of nails. [Get ready…] And he shocks himself. [Everybody SCREEEEAM!] Sam blusters that he can't count the nails if he can't touch them, and JBL Rain-Mans that there are 2,465. Tedager jumps in to fuss that he wants an accurate inventory, not a list of random numbers. JBL says they'll be completely professional, then proceeds to speculate on a pipe's alternate use as a bong. Tedager tells the guys he needs to take two generators to a local hospital that's lost power. Sam jumps in to say that he, Ben, and JBL can take them. Tedager, who learns nothing, submits. Convenient.
At the powerless hospital, a harried janitor is relieved to see The Stooges. He tells Sam the hospital was struck by lightning twice. The Stooges head outside to the striking point. The hole reveals some obscured writing, which Sam feels the need to touch. [Get ready…] He puts his hand up to the wall and is launched back from the shock. [Everybody SCREEEEEAM!] On the ground, he has cartoon-style grey smears on his face, and spiky hair. Ben and JBL run over. Ben is actually smiling and laughing. He totally knows he's the smartest one in the group and enjoys watching his nimrod friends eat it. JBL makes the ham-fisted segue that Sam needs a doctor.
Cut to the bar, where "Dr. Jaeger, Dr. Cuervo, Dr. Captain Morgan" have just plopped down in front of The Stooges. Sam asks to borrow some random girl's Blackberry. She says no, but Ben employs his generically Latino flava and procures it. Sam uses the Blackberry to find the exact information he needs within seconds. Convenient. Turns out, the hospital used to be called the Arthur Ferrey Medical Wing until Ferrey was arrested. Sam decides to head back to The Bench. On the way to his car, though, he sees lightning in the distance. Naturally, he drives toward it and ends up at the Ferrey School of Business. There, people gawk at a chicken-fried man. Just at that moment, Ferrey appears atop the building, and a skull flashes across his face.
At home, Sam watches the weather report. Despite the meteorolotrix's claim that it will be sunny, I predict lightning storms. WiseGuy appears, and Sam asks if Arthur Ferrey -- or, as I like to call him, SkullFace -- is the mark. Duh. Sam can't figure out why SkullFace is striking people down, but WiseGuy suggests that Hell's escapees aren't all about logic. He then notes that SkullFace was electrocuted every day in Hell, so that might motivate him. Seems pretty logical to me. Sam hears his mom and tells WiseGuy to make like lightning…and bolt. Mom comes down and gives Sam the "you can tell me anything" talk, but their conversation is of little consequence, save to showcase a fetching red cardigan that would give Bree Van De Kamp a run for her money.
Back at The Bench, Tedager harasses Andi about the $8 missing from her till count. Sam offers to pay, but Tedager threatens Andi with the night shift. Oh, hapless Tedager! Andi's eyes gleam, and she calls Ted back to tell him she stole the $8 to buy him a girlfriend -- "I assume you're okay with the plastic variety." But Tedager is perhaps less hapless than previously thought. He catches wise to Andi's scheme and keeps her on the day shift. He then asks, "When are you going to learn you can't outfox the fox, guys?" and executes a swish about-face worthy of Hollywood in Mannequin. Is Tedager trapped in the closet?
Sam is flattered at Andi's scheme as District Attorney Josie struts up. She of the desperately needed exposition then gives Sam the rundown on SkullFace. Two years ago, he was an energy trader who was caught stealing electricity and selling it to other states, which caused rolling blackouts and innocent people's deaths. Josie wonders why Sam is asking, but JBL interrupts to make an ass of himself. All he can come up with to combat Josie is a fart sound. Seriously. Then he peeks into her shopping bag, spies a lot of batteries, and makes a huh-larious vibrator remark. She counters that they're for her flashlight on account of the blackouts, all while implying that he has a pencil dick. Awesome. Having served her role as resident sasstress and plot mover-alonger, Josie exits stage left, leaving JBL to prattle about the size of his weenis.
Later that night, Ben listens to the radio as a clue surfaces about SkullFace's location. Sam wants to head over, but Ben suggests they embezzle some more demon-fighting equipment from their job first. Sadly, we're denied the '80s dress-up montage this time.
Decked out in wetsuits and swim caps, The Stooges arrive at the dam where SkullFace is. They hide and spy on him, and Ben deduces that SkullFace is charging himself so he can destroy the dam with a lightning strike. They decide to attack from behind, and Sam releases the vessel. It rears up and starts to haul ass toward SkullFace, but is immediately crushed by a random truck that comes hurtling through the mise-en-scène for the sole purpose of running over the vessel.
Sam fumblingly attempts to pick up the pieces but is spied by SkullFace. He explains his role as Reapus Mediocritus and gets all macho bounty-hunter on his ass. SkullFace starts the serial-killer walk toward Sam as Ben hides and whines, "We're going to die dressed as condoms." Sam ropes his compadres into action, and the three stand there in all of their awkward, wetsuited glory. (N.B.: Moving forward, just as any event can be followed by a lame-ass quip from JBL, so can it also be modified by some variation on the word "awkward.") JBL pulls out the remote control to the vessel, but SkullFace makes like lightning…
Back at The Bench, WiseGuy interrupts Sam as he tries to reassemble the vessel. Sam hrmphs that the guy got away, and asks for a new vessel. WiseGuy denies him and leaves Sam to sort out his mess. As he departs, he warns Sam that SkullFace is after him. The power flares, and WiseGuy is gone.
The Stooges strategize how to get themselves out of this pickle. Ben favors hunkering down like cowboys, while JBL proposes running like little girls. Guess which one wins. But, as they scamper into the parking lot, lightning flashes. It strikes the Prius, which hauls at them like Christine. They run inside and shut the double doors on The Prius. Though, last time I checked, cars were able to knock down sliding doors -- even hybrids. On to Plan B… The Stooges hunker down as Sam hurriedly duct-tapes the vessel. Ben then delivers the news that they're trapped without security or phones to the outside world. Yet I suspect they wouldn't make that call even if they could. The lights come back on, and they march off to see if the duct truck will do the trick. Nearly 50 minutes into the episode, it better.
Outside The Bench, lightning strikes all around as the tools become animated inside. A lawnmower comes after The Stooges, followed by row of projectile nail guns. Of course Ben gets hurt. This time, it's a nail to the kneecap. That's probably worse than singed eyebrows, though those have miraculously grown back since last week. JBL laughs hysterically -- from nerves, Sam explains -- while they work at pulling the nail out of Ben's leg. Sam apologizes again for involving them in his dirty work. JBL tries to hand him the vessel so he can face off with SkullFace, but it disintegrates in his hands, triggering more peels of nervous laughter.
Sam heads to the front door and announces that he's ready to take on SkullFace mano a moron. SkullFace catalogs his grievances against the world, but Sam argues that he did it to himself. SkullFace isn't convinced, proclaiming, "Everyone will pay, and you can't stop me." Not so soon, my bone-headed bon ami. Sam pulls the duct truck's remote control antenna out like a saber. He then uses it as a lightning rod to suck SkullFace into the vessel in a flash of red beams that lasts approximately seven seconds. Well that was easy. Sam gets up, dusts himself off, and rejoices in his success.
Sam and JBL return to the DMV the day to deliver the vessel to the surly Gladys. As she puts the obliterated vessel in the tube, Gladys gripes that it's not the entire vessel, and snarls, "The fact that you two haven't been killed yet astonishes me." Word, sister.
Back home, Sam takes a load off, squabbles with Kyle, and has a heart-to-heart with Mom. Sam decides it's time to come clean about his gig with WiseGuy. She takes it remarkably well, then proposes a blanket honesty policy in the house, except as applies to Kyle. Watch your back, li'l bro. You have officially been proclaimed irrelevant.
, we view Tedager's office in all its boss-paraphernaliac glory. Tedager grills Sam about why the store is destroyed. JBL apparently blamed it on attack ninjas. Tedager rotes that "The secret to success is to be ready when an opportunity presents itself" -- a verbatim of the cheeseball poster hanging behind him -- and declares that Sam has reached a new low. Sam suggests Tedager fire him, but Tedager instead decides to teach Sam a lesson by assigning him to garbage duty.
As Sam picks up garbage, WiseGuy appears and calls Sam a hero. Must we continue this ruse, show? He tries to make Sam feel good about putting another soul in Hell, but Sam's not sold (no pun intended). He points out that he has two jobs that he hates, one of which involves garbage duty. But WiseGuy's got a fix for that problem. He finagled a spot in the Garden Center for Sam. Our hero retorts that that job involves "shoveling manure for the ten hours." As Sam heads to the Garden Center, WiseGuy gets a, eh-hem, devilish smile on his face.
In the Garden Center, Sam drags mulch around and catches a glimpse of Andi. She's also been assigned to shit shoveling -- something about "allegedly" hitting Ted on the back of the head with a can of latex paint. "There were no witnesses," she insists. She concludes, "At least we're in hell together." Sam nearly chokes, but Andi clarifies that their job sucks. WiseGuy stands outside, puts a flower in his lapel, and smiles as he pushes a cart into the path of an oncoming car.