Hey all. I'd just like to thank sensitive psychopath Jame Gumb for filling in for me last week. I was following the great jam band Blues Traveler around the country, but they lost me somewhere outside of Akron and I spent a couple of weeks unable to find them. It was very depressing, but then on my way home I happened upon The String Cheese Incident playing the Teva Footwear Woodstock-West Festival outside of Laramie, Wyoming, and I would have been home sooner, but during "Somebody Stole My Rainbow," Kyle Hollingsworth -- who had foolishly mixed Wellbutrin and Ecstasy -- launched into a zither solo that he couldn't find his way out of until three days later. So Jame Gumb filled in for me at the last minute, and I thank him for it.
Like Jame, after fifteen or whatever fucking seasons of watching, this is the first year I just couldn't deal. Maybe I've finally outgrown the show, or maybe it's just not the same without the magic of Mary-Ellis, but after one episode of these privileged cockslaps, I cancelled the TiVo Season Pass and had just a little more free time in my week. So if I'm unhip to Shavonda's past hissyfits or Sarah's dick-sucking tour of Fiji, you'll have to forgive me.
Let's get retarded in here! I mean, let's get it started in here.
Previously on...Hey, it's Jon Bon Jovi. I must be on VH1 by mistake. Oh no, there's the square head of Landon. The kids stand in front of the man who has seen a million faces and rocked them all while someone voice-overs that they've been given the job of building a playground for a bunch of kids at the Northern Home. IKEA drops the playground off in a million pieces. If my kid lived in Philly, there is no fucking way I'm letting him monkey-swing across anything these incompetent fucks built, hung-over and grumpy. Sarah talks to MJ, and camera-talks that her body issues started when she found out her mother had cancer. I'm not going to touch that one with a ten-foot Karamo.
Credits. Floaty swivel-cam heads. Hip digital pixilated backdrop. Cool computer sounds. Man, everything for the kids! No wonder MTV is forever on the cutting edge. If only MTV could somehow provide me with awesome downloadable ringtones...What?! No way! Thanks, MTV! You're my one-stop CoolZone! Boy, my friends will be jealous when my Nokia plays Maroon 5 every time my boo blows up my celly. Jealous bitches.
Shots of Philly. Shots of Philly. Shots of...Chili's?! The kids go to eat at MTV sponsor Chili's, totally on their own, without any prompting. In a montage of crass commercialism the likes of which I haven't seen since...well, the last MTV show I watched, they pipe in voice-overs of the various kids saying shit like, "Let's get some buffalo wings!" and "Mmm. Those look soooooo good!" while they happily peruse the Chili's menu. If only my life were so colorful and full of not only good friends but delicious and fun foodstuffs! Sarah voice-overs and her floaty head camera-talks that she's had "issues with eating" since she was a kid and everyone does and don't worry about me I'm fine! Everyone eats, and we get shots of grease and milkshakes and people urge Sarah to eat but she smiles, loving every minute of her tremendous willpower, as she voice-overs that her roommates can eat everything they want but she can't. "Your mom!" she retorts to someone who bugs her about food, and she squirms and says she's gained "five hundred pounds." You know, that's not funny to those who actually have gained five hundred pounds this year. Way to be sensitive. I'm calling the FCC, Jesus-hater!
“ Rain. Philly. Rain. Gym. Sarah on treadmill, trying to outrun her demons. It's not going to work. Not with that low incline, fatty! ”
Cue pointless shots of cheesesteak stand.
Back at the house, Sarah voice-overs that she has to be a "certain way" to be happy, and that her body is the only thing she has to control. She lies on the bed as Willie and -- Melinda? Melissa? What the fuck is this non-descript blonde's name? Melanie! That's it -- Willie and Melanie sit around her bed being codependent. Sarah babbles that none of her jeans fit, and Willie runs off to camera-talk how mind-boggling it is that Sarah doesn't think she's pretty. Shavonda camera-talks about eating cucumbers every day while she and Melanie run to help Bulimic Betty by putting makeup on her as she wallows in The Bed of Self-Pity. Sarah babbles that her ass had almost disappeared, but then they went to Fiji and she hates Fiji now. I would blow my head off it I had to listen to this girl. Shavonda then jokes that she should go to Eckerd's and by a ten-dollar muu-muu and then she won't have to spend $130 on Robert Cavalli jeans. Hee. Shavonda tells Sarah, "I need you to lay [sic] flat," and I'm pretty sure Sarah hears that phrase almost every weekend.
Philly. Philly. Bridge. Philly. Buildings. History of our country. Blah blah blah. The kids work on the nearly-completed playground. Fun. Fun. Joking. Fun. Loving shot of T-Mobile brand phone. Sarah takes a break to call her mom and wish her a happy birthday. They edit it to make it look like everyone else is continuing to work while Sarah is just babbling on the phone to her mom. Whatever. Sarah voice-overs that her parents are coming to visit. She camera-talks that she's excited for her parents to see her, and see that she's healthy.
Karamo then pow-wows with -- Marie? Mary? Oh right -- Melanie, and then camera-talks that he's buying Landon a special plaque because of how impressed he's been with Landon's playground-building dedication. Looking at Karamo's facial hair and eyebrows, I think he got in a fight with a razor and the razor won. That, or he lost some sort of horrible bet. Karamo adds that this is a private thing he's doing on his own, and that the other roommates don't know because he doesn't want "negative feedback."
Rain. Philly. Rain. Gym. Sarah on treadmill, trying to outrun her demons. It's not going to work. Not with that low incline, fatty! Sarah needlessly voice-overs that she runs for forty-five minutes, and that although she knows that weight doesn't just come off, she's, in a "military-type way"...you know what, I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. The girl is working out. That's all you need to know.