Hey all. I'd just like to thank sensitive psychopath Jame Gumb for filling in for me last week. I was following the great jam band Blues Traveler around the country, but they lost me somewhere outside of Akron and I spent a couple of weeks unable to find them. It was very depressing, but then on my way home I happened upon The String Cheese Incident playing the Teva Footwear Woodstock-West Festival outside of Laramie, Wyoming, and I would have been home sooner, but during "Somebody Stole My Rainbow," Kyle Hollingsworth -- who had foolishly mixed Wellbutrin and Ecstasy -- launched into a zither solo that he couldn't find his way out of until three days later. So Jame Gumb filled in for me at the last minute, and I thank him for it.
Like Jame, after fifteen or whatever fucking seasons of watching, this is the first year I just couldn't deal. Maybe I've finally outgrown the show, or maybe it's just not the same without the magic of Mary-Ellis, but after one episode of these privileged cockslaps, I cancelled the TiVo Season Pass and had just a little more free time in my week. So if I'm unhip to Shavonda's past hissyfits or Sarah's dick-sucking tour of Fiji, you'll have to forgive me.
Let's get retarded in here! I mean, let's get it started in here.
Previously on...Hey, it's Jon Bon Jovi. I must be on VH1 by mistake. Oh no, there's the square head of Landon. The kids stand in front of the man who has seen a million faces and rocked them all while someone voice-overs that they've been given the job of building a playground for a bunch of kids at the Northern Home. IKEA drops the playground off in a million pieces. If my kid lived in Philly, there is no fucking way I'm letting him monkey-swing across anything these incompetent fucks built, hung-over and grumpy. Sarah talks to MJ, and camera-talks that her body issues started when she found out her mother had cancer. I'm not going to touch that one with a ten-foot Karamo.
Credits. Floaty swivel-cam heads. Hip digital pixilated backdrop. Cool computer sounds. Man, everything for the kids! No wonder MTV is forever on the cutting edge. If only MTV could somehow provide me with awesome downloadable ringtones...What?! No way! Thanks, MTV! You're my one-stop CoolZone! Boy, my friends will be jealous when my Nokia plays Maroon 5 every time my boo blows up my celly. Jealous bitches.
Shots of Philly. Shots of Philly. Shots of...Chili's?! The kids go to eat at MTV sponsor Chili's, totally on their own, without any prompting. In a montage of crass commercialism the likes of which I haven't seen since...well, the last MTV show I watched, they pipe in voice-overs of the various kids saying shit like, "Let's get some buffalo wings!" and "Mmm. Those look soooooo good!" while they happily peruse the Chili's menu. If only my life were so colorful and full of not only good friends but delicious and fun foodstuffs! Sarah voice-overs and her floaty head camera-talks that she's had "issues with eating" since she was a kid and everyone does and don't worry about me I'm fine! Everyone eats, and we get shots of grease and milkshakes and people urge Sarah to eat but she smiles, loving every minute of her tremendous willpower, as she voice-overs that her roommates can eat everything they want but she can't. "Your mom!" she retorts to someone who bugs her about food, and she squirms and says she's gained "five hundred pounds." You know, that's not funny to those who actually have gained five hundred pounds this year. Way to be sensitive. I'm calling the FCC, Jesus-hater!
Back at the park, Sarah and Willie are bit a calmer now, and Sarah explains that she didn't yell, and they finally just talk. Sarah camera-talks that when Willie does physical labor, he gets diva-ish. She finally makes the point that it's not for him to decide when is right for her to talk to Donna. She then plays the Cancer Card, and Willie apologizes and tells us that he should have been more considerate. Now they're talking and sitting and laughing a little. Ah, things get resolved so easily in the "real world."
AwkwardDinner. Sarah and CancerMom and Dad. Where's BitchFace sister? Probably home smiling smugly that she caused her sister pain. CancerMom, with a terribly sour face, wonders if Sarah's not going to talk to them. Sarah lies that she's just had a hard day and then camera-talks, telling us that she's really drained from all of this. CancerMom says, "Let's not make this into a big deal." Sarah says that it's too late, and that she's been crying about it for a day and a half. Food arrives, and of course Sarah just got a salad. She should refuse to eat in front of them. Sarah camera-talks that the only way she can defeat this is to be self-assured and not let her mom's words bring her down. Or, she can kill her mother and sister. Sarah starts saying that she's in good shape, and CancerMom apologizes and says she was wrong. Oh. Well. Then Sarah keeps going and says that CancerMom made her feel like a "monster." CancerMom's face drops at that. Sarah then camera-talks that she thinks her mom is worried she's losing Sarah, and is trying to have control. Well, that's part of it. CancerMom also is just a shitty mom. More sour-apologizing and "you hurt my feelings"-ing and poor Dad is just sitting there like me, amazed at the fucking horrible shit women put each other through.
Playground. Fast-motion of construction as Landon square-faces to us that today is the last day, and it's the building of the gazebo, and then they're basically done. Building. Building. Jon Bon Jovi arrives, smiling with his big giant Al Pacino-esque tooth caps. Sarah, eating something, says a sentence that should strike fear into children everywhere: "I'm really happy Jon Bon Jovi has come to see our playground." He compliments them all, and even climbs up on top of the gazebo with MJ and gets to, undeservedly, screw in the last screw.
Some lady tells them that IKEA has decided to donate shit for the playground. How nice of the rich Swedes. Melanie congratulates herself and Willie then leads us into fun IKEA commercial-slash-montage as the kids go to spend OPM (Other People's Money) at IKEA. Buying. Buying. Willie loves the shopping part. Buying. Fun IKEA fun. They end up with hella shit. Over.
Day. Northern Home. Dedication Ceremony. Landon babbles. Children and parents and podiums. ING Direct, plug plug, gives the kids each a savings account with a thousand dollars in it. They clap. Karamo talks. People clap. He gives Donna something called a "World Apart" award, because she's been like a mother to them. Laura gets a "Leadership Award." Then Karamo says this person is amazing, and gives an "Exemplary Award" to Landon, who is surprised. He goes up, touched, and gets his award. Landon voice-overs that it means a lot to him. Then they cut a ribbon and tell a bunch of shy children to go play. No one wants to be the first to get injured on their shoddily-constructed death trap, but a few brave Ritalin-ed souls finally do. Willie talks about what a proud moment it is. Landon says it's something he can come back to Philly with his own children (yeah, right) and say, "Your father built this." Landon starts playing, deeply engrossed in some Wheel of Fortune spinny-blocks on the playground. Hee.
Donna talks to them all and lies that she's totally there for them and that they can call her whenever. Hugs and kisses and smiles, and that's just from me because it's over.
: the kids move out. Packing. Packing. MJ asks Landon if "they" are boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think they're finally coming out, but it turns out he's talking about Shavona and Landon. Landon tells us that she wants it only to be about sex. Then we see Landon in the hot tub with another girl. Shavonda is jealous. So is MJ.
And that's it! See ya!
Cue pointless shots of cheesesteak stand.
Back at the house, Sarah voice-overs that she has to be a "certain way" to be happy, and that her body is the only thing she has to control. She lies on the bed as Willie and -- Melinda? Melissa? What the fuck is this non-descript blonde's name? Melanie! That's it -- Willie and Melanie sit around her bed being codependent. Sarah babbles that none of her jeans fit, and Willie runs off to camera-talk how mind-boggling it is that Sarah doesn't think she's pretty. Shavonda camera-talks about eating cucumbers every day while she and Melanie run to help Bulimic Betty by putting makeup on her as she wallows in The Bed of Self-Pity. Sarah babbles that her ass had almost disappeared, but then they went to Fiji and she hates Fiji now. I would blow my head off it I had to listen to this girl. Shavonda then jokes that she should go to Eckerd's and by a ten-dollar muu-muu and then she won't have to spend $130 on Robert Cavalli jeans. Hee. Shavonda tells Sarah, "I need you to lay [sic] flat," and I'm pretty sure Sarah hears that phrase almost every weekend.
Philly. Philly. Bridge. Philly. Buildings. History of our country. Blah blah blah. The kids work on the nearly-completed playground. Fun. Fun. Joking. Fun. Loving shot of T-Mobile brand phone. Sarah takes a break to call her mom and wish her a happy birthday. They edit it to make it look like everyone else is continuing to work while Sarah is just babbling on the phone to her mom. Whatever. Sarah voice-overs that her parents are coming to visit. She camera-talks that she's excited for her parents to see her, and see that she's healthy.
Karamo then pow-wows with -- Marie? Mary? Oh right -- Melanie, and then camera-talks that he's buying Landon a special plaque because of how impressed he's been with Landon's playground-building dedication. Looking at Karamo's facial hair and eyebrows, I think he got in a fight with a razor and the razor won. That, or he lost some sort of horrible bet. Karamo adds that this is a private thing he's doing on his own, and that the other roommates don't know because he doesn't want "negative feedback."
Rain. Philly. Rain. Gym. Sarah on treadmill, trying to outrun her demons. It's not going to work. Not with that low incline, fatty! Sarah needlessly voice-overs that she runs for forty-five minutes, and that although she knows that weight doesn't just come off, she's, in a "military-type way"...you know what, I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. The girl is working out. That's all you need to know.
MJ then "happens" to run into Sarah's parents and drives them to the gym. Huh? He runs inside to interrupt Sarah and tell her that the object of her body obsession is here and could she please get her fat ass off the treadmill. Sarah goes outside and greets her parents and says she'll call them later. Kisses. Kisses. More working out.
Night. Bank...I mean, "house." Sarah, in a towel, answers the phone. It's her sister Rachel. Rachel -- sounding like someone has died, in the bitchiest sister move I've ever seen (and believe me, I've seen a lot of them) -- says, "There's no good way to say this. You're going to hate me. [Sigh.] Mommy says you need to start The South Beach Diet again." This is so fucking evil on both Rachel and CancerMommy's part (and yes, I'm going to start calling her CancerMommy because she's a fucking cuntbag). Sarah listens, upset, as she voice-overs that she was always the tall and skinny one in her family, and that when she's not a Size 4, her sister likes to point it out. Families suck. Rachel pathetically tries to backpedal, and Sarah says that she has to go, and then Rachel says, "I know you're going to hang up on --" and as she's saying it, Sarah hangs up on her. Hee. Sarah immediately goes to her room and crawls under the covers. Commercials.
Night. Rain. Gutter. Sarah crying. Shavonda comes and gets the tearful story from Sarah. Then Melanie comes in late. "Your mom did not say that?!" gasps Melanie, either being incredulous or calling Sarah a liar. Sarah then says that it's no wonder she stuck her finger down her throat for five years. Yikes. Sarah then camera-talks that her mom made her feel horrible about herself. She tells the girls that she's not talking to them. Melanie makes it all about herself: she's upset that she doesn't know what to say.
Later. Phone rings. Willie smokes in the phone room and makes Melanie pick it up. It's Sarah's mom, asking where Sarah is. Melanie says that she doesn't know, lying so hard CancerMom can read it even over a crappy, tapped phone line. "Well she damn well better call me," hisses CancerMom. She adds that she's pissed off, and she is really rude. Scared Melanie gets Sarah, who calls CancerMom back. CancerMom answers and Sarah, eyes still wet with tears, launches right in. "First of all," she says, opining that could have been done in an email. Uh, or, like, not at all, you passive-aggressive bitchface. She then says that she knows she put on weight but she's been working her ass off, literally. Sarah looks fine to any normal person, it should be noted, so CancerMom should, time she's at the hospital, get her eyes checked as well. (Sorry, I'm just mad on Sarah's behalf, and I haven't even been watching this year.) Sarah then needlessly buys in and bitches that she only had bread to eat in Fiji -- "What happened?" says Mom -- and Sarah adds that, yes, so she put on weight. "Yeah," says CancerMom, mean and spiteful and terrible. "How much was it?" she says. Seriously, she is the worst mom of all time. She should be apologizing and saying it's none of her business and that Sarah looks fine and that it's just her old terrible issues that she's putting on Sarah and that she's incredibly sorry and that Sarah looks great. But no. It gets worse. When Sarah says that she put on five pounds -- instead of saying that it's none of her mother's fucking business -- CancerMom says, "Five pounds? You look like you did in your freshman year of college." Sarah then camera-talks a little bit, and we go back to Sarah trying to get off the phone. "You don't look good," says CancerMom, and then JumpyEditing suddenly puts Dad on the phone and he's just making it worse by trying to be nice and saying that Sarah will always look good to him, and that makes Sarah cry even more and she weeps, "Please stop doing this to me!" and she finally can't take it and says, "I have to go. I have to go," and, sobbing now, and hangs up the phone. I'm sorry and I know this is so 2001, but it must be said: Worst. Parents. Ever.
Day. Philly. Philly. The awesome Korean store Award Concepts, Inc. Karamo and Ed (who?) go to look for the plaques he had designed for a bunch of people, including Landon. They look great, they tell us.
Back at the house suddenly, Karamo's crazy eyebrows tell us that there is a competition between Landon and MJ, and that he doesn't want to fuck up any relations so he goes to MJ and says that he's getting Landon a special award and didn't want to piss MJ off. MJ is folding laundry and has a giant wad of dip in his mouth and it's so unattractive that it basically looks like he's sucked a cock and is paralyzed in face of the decision whether to spit or swallow. MJ camera-talks that he thought it was very cool of Karamo to come check with him first (I think it was an unnecessary and pussy maneuver that gives MJ way more power than he should have, but whatever). He misspeaks that he thinks it's very "respectable " of Karamo. MJ's not very respectable of the English language. They then joke around, and Karamo says, "Oh yeah, and I'm also gay." He walks away and MJ does a funny mock-surprised take and off-camera Karamo adds, "And you better not tell anybody." Hee.
Day. Philly. Philly. The kids sit around the playground telling some older lady their progress, and how the playground is almost done. Sarah tells us that it's hard to concentrate on work right now, so she talks to Donna, a therapist and the Development Director at the Northern Home, the place with the parents who are soon going to be suing MTV after their kids are injured on the faulty playground. Sarah wants her advice, because Donna has kids Sarah's age. They go off and sit together, and Sarah tells Donna the story. They hug, and Donna tells her she looks phenomenal. Sarah cries. Donna tells Sarah it's CancerMom's issue, blah blah blah self-confidencecakes. Donna goes on, and in the middle of her counsel, Willie yells over that they "truly, truly" need Sarah. We cut to Willie who tells us that he's sweating and digging dirt and watching Sarah talking to Donna; he tells us that he's mostly pissed because she's babbling on about her weight issues and it's so girly and non-existent and he's just over it. It seems like Willie is insensitive here, but I understand his point. But perhaps not in context of CancerMom's being so cunty this week. Maybe give the girl a pass this one time. Donna kisses Sarah, but not like that.
Now Sarah tells us that Willie has "hit a spot" in her (dirty), and that she's pissed. Suddenly, Willie and Sarah are yelling at each other on the playground. Sarah is cursing up a storm, something about how Willie just sits around and she's put her "balls" into this playground. Oh, so that's where they went. "How dare you!" screams Sarah. Sarah says that she just wanted to talk to an adult, and then she says she at least never comes into work hung-over. That sets Willie off, and he's screaming about how hard he works and it's sort of like watching Jerry Springer but with fewer Klansmen. "That's fucking bullshit!" ends Willie, driving his shovel into the dirt, wishing it were Sarah's face. Or a cute boy. Commercials.
Back at the park, Sarah and Willie are bit a calmer now, and Sarah explains that she didn't yell, and they finally just talk. Sarah camera-talks that when Willie does physical labor, he gets diva-ish. She finally makes the point that it's not for him to decide when is right for her to talk to Donna. She then plays the Cancer Card, and Willie apologizes and tells us that he should have been more considerate. Now they're talking and sitting and laughing a little. Ah, things get resolved so easily in the "real world."
AwkwardDinner. Sarah and CancerMom and Dad. Where's BitchFace sister? Probably home smiling smugly that she caused her sister pain. CancerMom, with a terribly sour face, wonders if Sarah's not going to talk to them. Sarah lies that she's just had a hard day and then camera-talks, telling us that she's really drained from all of this. CancerMom says, "Let's not make this into a big deal." Sarah says that it's too late, and that she's been crying about it for a day and a half. Food arrives, and of course Sarah just got a salad. She should refuse to eat in front of them. Sarah camera-talks that the only way she can defeat this is to be self-assured and not let her mom's words bring her down. Or, she can kill her mother and sister. Sarah starts saying that she's in good shape, and CancerMom apologizes and says she was wrong. Oh. Well. Then Sarah keeps going and says that CancerMom made her feel like a "monster." CancerMom's face drops at that. Sarah then camera-talks that she thinks her mom is worried she's losing Sarah, and is trying to have control. Well, that's part of it. CancerMom also is just a shitty mom. More sour-apologizing and "you hurt my feelings"-ing and poor Dad is just sitting there like me, amazed at the fucking horrible shit women put each other through.
Playground. Fast-motion of construction as Landon square-faces to us that today is the last day, and it's the building of the gazebo, and then they're basically done. Building. Building. Jon Bon Jovi arrives, smiling with his big giant Al Pacino-esque tooth caps. Sarah, eating something, says a sentence that should strike fear into children everywhere: "I'm really happy Jon Bon Jovi has come to see our playground." He compliments them all, and even climbs up on top of the gazebo with MJ and gets to, undeservedly, screw in the last screw.
Some lady tells them that IKEA has decided to donate shit for the playground. How nice of the rich Swedes. Melanie congratulates herself and Willie then leads us into fun IKEA commercial-slash-montage as the kids go to spend OPM (Other People's Money) at IKEA. Buying. Buying. Willie loves the shopping part. Buying. Fun IKEA fun. They end up with hella shit. Over.
Day. Northern Home. Dedication Ceremony. Landon babbles. Children and parents and podiums. ING Direct, plug plug, gives the kids each a savings account with a thousand dollars in it. They clap. Karamo talks. People clap. He gives Donna something called a "World Apart" award, because she's been like a mother to them. Laura gets a "Leadership Award." Then Karamo says this person is amazing, and gives an "Exemplary Award" to Landon, who is surprised. He goes up, touched, and gets his award. Landon voice-overs that it means a lot to him. Then they cut a ribbon and tell a bunch of shy children to go play. No one wants to be the first to get injured on their shoddily-constructed death trap, but a few brave Ritalin-ed souls finally do. Willie talks about what a proud moment it is. Landon says it's something he can come back to Philly with his own children (yeah, right) and say, "Your father built this." Landon starts playing, deeply engrossed in some Wheel of Fortune spinny-blocks on the playground. Hee.
Donna talks to them all and lies that she's totally there for them and that they can call her whenever. Hugs and kisses and smiles, and that's just from me because it's over.
: the kids move out. Packing. Packing. MJ asks Landon if "they" are boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think they're finally coming out, but it turns out he's talking about Shavona and Landon. Landon tells us that she wants it only to be about sex. Then we see Landon in the hot tub with another girl. Shavonda is jealous. So is MJ.
And that's it! See ya!