Hi, everybody! My name is Jame Gumb and I live in...well, I can't tell you because the FBI is looking for me (sorry, jerks! fool me once...) but it's snowy outside and I'm tucked safe and warm inside my fortress (apartment). Just to orient you, I'm wearing my Donna Lipowski cape and nothing else. I have a bowl of just-popped Kettle Corn (delicious!) and a nice frosty glass of Diet Coke with Lime (sour! ;-p) and I'm relaxing in my beanbag chair with my Dell laptop propped up on my just-shaved thighs. I would totally f*** me. Plus, Precious is lounging at my feet, which is just the cutest thing. Nothing can ruin my day...not even the giant African moths that keep clustering around my laptop screen or Catherine screaming from down inside my well. Yes, for those of you who read my website, Catherine is still alive. I know. I know! I'm in a period of severe stasis with regards to killing her. She's grown on me, you know? I sorta think I'd miss her constant screaming if I got rid of her. Plus the smell. Who knows, maybe my new job as a recapper will buck me up and I'll finally be able to put on my night-vision glasses, kill her, and make a couple hats out of her skin. Yes, only hats, because stupid Catherine refuses to eat much, and has lost over fifty pounds since she's been in residence Chez Well. Stupid bitch isn't even a big ol' fat person anymore! (Are you? Come visit if you are! LOL.) All she's good for are a couple of beanies and maybe some tooth earrings or something. It really is very depressing. I only amuse myself with the notion that she never did feed that dumb cat of hers that was still meowing at the window as we drove away in my van. Hee hee. Sometimes when I'm really mad at it after it's refused to rub the lotion on its skin or after it's lured Precious down into the well yet again, or even just when it insists on ruining Desperate Housewives by screaming or singing Tom Petty songs -- whom she knows I hate! -- I like to tell it how its cat probably died years ago from malnutrition. It's funny how she cries and cries after that. Never fails! Then, when she refuses to stop crying, I have to poke her unconscious with a stick.
But enough about stupid Catherine -- you must all be wondering how I got this job recapping. Well, it's simple. I've been a big fan of the site for years. I love reading all the funny recaps, though I secretly thought I could do much better. (Omar, I'm looking in your direction!) Anyway, one day I was banned from the boards for no good reason! After I cried for a few days, realized I was in danger of entering into a severe shame spiral and I bucked up, tucked my penis between my legs and did a few affirmation into the mirror -- and then I contacted Wing Chun and told her that I would kill her whole family and shove Sars into a well if she didn't give me a shot! I'm sooooooo excited she said yes! And with such a phenomenal show as The Real World, too. It's been on for fifteen years! Fifteen years ago I was just an aspiring fake tranny living in Michig-- Somewhere in the mid-west.
Oh, and guys, please be kind to me on the forums. I've never done this before -- plus, while I love the show, I've been too depressed this year to watch the current season, so I'm going to just be getting to know these "characters" as I go along. I'm kind of nervous. I think I'll go poke Catherine a few times with a stick to relax.
...Okay, I'm back. Let's get started shall we?
Oh my God. Isn't it sad that Mary-Ellis Bunim died? Poor Jonathan. I'm glad he's keeping up the strength to go on. When my last lover Paul died from getting his head chopped off by me, I couldn't function for weeks. So I know how he feels.
The show starts. Seagulls fly over water. There is a bridge in the background. I don't know the name of the bridge because I do not live in Philadelphia, nor do I live seventeen miles east of it, in the suburbs. The gang eat food at this delicious fish joint right around the corner from-- I mean...Some fish restaurant in Philadelphia. The hunky MJ sits with equally hunky Landon and the foxy black girl, Shavonda. MJ tells his buds that he's going to stop doing wild things which are out of character for him. Then MJ, wearing the crap out of a tank top and a pleasantly-worn Yankees cap, does that cool talking-to-camera thing (just like Ferris Bueller!). He tells us (hi, MJ!) that he's been undergoing some changes (I know how you feel -- I've been slowly transforming into something for years now! Dumb procrastination), and he keeps comparing all other girls to Ashleigh and no one does compare. He goes on talking and we learn that Ashleigh (what a dumb name -- according to my closed captioning, totally necessary in this place with Catherine's constant racket, FYI) is coming to town this weekend to visit and he's very excited. MJ talks real close to camera now and I notice something very disturbing about his eyes: one is much lower on his face than the other. There is a girl in my office (oh yeah, I have a great office job now!) who has a similar affliction, but that doesn't keep me from fantasizing about inviting her out to lunch and knocking her out and putting her in my well. I totally would, too, but her absence would double my work load, and I'm swamped with faxing and collating as it is! (My boss is a bit of a meanie!) Shannen Doherty has the same eye problem. (Plus, I hear she's a monster to work with. Shhh...) But as MJ keeps talking about how Ashleigh is his girlfriend now (aw!) and they have taken things to a "new level," I decide that his eye thing is not as disturbing to look at as some other eye problems, like the big fat white guy from the movies whose eye constantly twitches back and forth in his head. He makes me nervous.
More shots of some unnamed Philly river I've certainly never seen in person. A man walks a dog. Other "establishing" shots. Then MJ, looking dishy in blue shorts and a tank top, sits in the "phone room" (I need one of those!) on the phone with some girl which the on-screen writing says is "Ashley." That must be Ashleigh! But how should I spell it if the captioning and MTV disagree?! Oh, panic time! I don't want to be fired. I would email Wing but she can sometimes be short with you over email if you mess up. (Scary :-0) Um...I think I should probably go with MTV's spelling, "Ashley." (*Bites painted fingernails*) Anyway, MJ is tells Ashley that he's going to kiss her when she visits, and they keep talking all schmoopy like that and it's pretty annoying. Way to make the rest of us singletons feel worthless, guys! MJ launches into a speech to us about how it's better to be able to see and touch and smell someone than just talking to them over the telephone. Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious! (Was that "snarky" enough, Wing? Call me.) MJ then says he's worried that she'll be mad that his friend David is coming to visit at the same time. Whoa! Awkward. But she says she's fine with it. MJ then tells us that David is his best friend and just like him...only black and 7'1". Whoa! That's a tall drink of water. I'm not sure he'd even fit down my well. (Not because I don't like black people! Just because he's tall.) David has also apparently been "drafted" by the Indiana Pacers. I didn't know Indiana had its own army. That's weird. (But don't get me wrong, I totally support our troops and our President! I just think the war may have been a little misguided. And I think D*** Ch3n3y's wife would make a fantastic skin suit. Not a threat! Just idle talk, Feds!.)
Still on the telephone, Ashley says that she should ask David for tickets to something. I don't know what she's talking about. MJ says that something is going to be awesome.
Establishing shot of the roommates' giant house. I think it's that bank down on-- I mean...it looks like an old business building of some uncertain sort. The phone rings. Melanie answers. It's Ashley, and instead of being in Philadelphia, she's stuck on a five-hour delay in Nashville. Argh! How irritating. Plane travel is sooooo annoying these days. That's why I never fly anywhere anymore. Plus, the whole everyone-is-looking-for-me thing. The roommates wake up MJ, who listens to the news on the phone as if it's happening to him. So dramatic! Hello, Mr. Self-Centered! Self-centered, much! (LOL) She also may be stuck in Washington, DC when she finally arrives for a lay-over. (If you do go to DC, say hi to Catherine's Senator mom, while you're there!) (Hee. I just read this paragraph to Catherine. It didn't think it was very funny. Well, let's see you do better, Judgey McJudgerstein!) MJ tells us that he hates not being in control of his environment and situation. The conversation continues. Ashley says she's just going to have to tough it out.
Later that night. 1 AM! It's raining out (in the show, not now. I wouldn't have any idea what the weather was like in Philadelphia. None at all), and MJ is still awake and frustrated. He tells us he's worried. The phone rings. It's Ashley again. They lost her luggage! That sucks! MJ tells us, "Why is this happening to me right now?" Happening to you? Hello, Mr. Self-Centered! He tells Ashley that she could take the train, but she thinks she's just going to get a hotel and come in the morning. MJ hopes this doesn't affect the weekend they have planned, and then he says something else, but a giant moth lands right on my TV screen and I have to chase it off and I miss the part. I trained Precious not to chase the bugs because they're important in my work, but I think I might have trained him a little too well, he never does anything now! Lazy bones! MJ says he's more into Ashley than he thinks she thinks he is and she tells him that he's "precious" (Shout-out?!) and that she'll see him in the morning.
It's morning! (Wow, the magic of TV!) MJ greets Ashley. How disappointing; she's very small and blonde and I couldn't make any good clothing out of her flayed skin. MJ tells us she's worn and wrinkled from her travels, and then I see that she's wearing capri pants! Gag! Hello, Ashley. 1992 just called, they want their pants back. (Snarky!) The happy couple hugs and drives back to the house.
Now we're in a bedroom. MJ and Ashley lounge on the bed and talk. Sigh. I miss that. Paul used to love to lie around and do nothing with me. Too bad I had to chop his head off and stick it in a jar. Relationships are hard! Ashley asks when David is to arrive. MJ tells her it's none of her "beeswax." Hello, rude, much!
Then David arrives. Whoa! He's a tall, tall man. He should play basketball. (Wait, not because he's black. Just because he's tall. That's all I mean. Swear.) David meets the "gang." They ask him what he's doing there and he says he's done with "pre-season." It must be an army thing. Then Landon talks to the camera and we get to see his face up close. Nice bone structure. Lispy, though. I hate that. I like my men very masculine. I need to feel pretty, especially when I dance around like Stevie Nicks and tuck my penis between my legs. (Is that weird to reveal I do that? No, you know what? I think it's okay that I'm happy with myself. You'll just have to be too...or I'll kill you! Ha. Just kidding.) Landon says that David was MJ's protégé during high school; he helped David out, and now David is very successful in the "MBA." I don't know what that means. Then the gang play basketball on their indoor court, and Shavonda jumps and puts the ball into the hoop with force. David laughs. MJ tells us that when he looks at David he gets happy. That's how I feel when I look at Precious. Except I'm mad at her right now because she always allows herself to get lured into Catherine's well. She doesn't ever learn. Dogs will be dogs, I guess. God, I hate Catherine sometimes! She's singing again and I keep having to turn the volume up on the TV. It's her birthday coming up and I was going to buy her something from Sephora, but now I just think I'll buy her a gift certificate, which is funny because she can't use it from down in the well. I'm mean sometimes!
It's night and David sits with Karamo because he's trying to avoid MJ and Ashley, who are "fighting like little girls." Oh, no! The perfect couple, fighting! I hope they're okay.
MJ tells the gang that he feels stuck because Ashley wants to go to bed but David wants to go out, and he feels stuck between them. He then tells us that he didn't think having them visit at the same time would be difficult. Uh, Hello, Mr. Not-Thinking! Girl are complicated creatures. MJ should know that. Oh, he does, as he goes on to imitate how Ashley never admits when she's really mad. I wish Catherine would not admit it sometimes! *Grin.*
Commercial time! More Kettle Corn for me (you can't just eat one bag).
We're back! Didja miss me? The gang is at The Plough & The Stars (wherever that is???), all drinking cocktails in a booth. MJ is plastered, and he gets up to spend some "boy time" with David out on the dance floor. I love dancing, but I rarely get to go. The girls down at the office aren't much for the whole "bar scene," although they have invited me to join their bowling team. I would, but I just don't think my nails could handle it. But then again, I could find a use or two for a bowling ball around the house. ("Look out below, Catherine!" Hee. Would you fuck me? I would.) Melanie -- who needs a new hairdresser pronto -- tells the camera she understands why Ashley is mad at MJ, since she went through all the trouble to visit and he's spending more time with David, who is just passing through town on his army duties or whatever. Back in the booth, Ashley gets mad that MJ forgot to get her a drink. Ooh. Bad move, Mister. MJ then complains about Ashley not admitting when she's mad to some girl they graphic as being, "Jaime, Mark's friend." Who is Mark? I'm so confused. (Wing, don't be mad!) (Crap. Maybe I should just pretend to know who Mark is.) Oh yeah, Mark! I love Mark. He's rad. So is Jaime. Oh, ha! The shot is of Mark, who they say is "MJ's friend." Hm, Mark actually is kind of rad. As the scene progresses and drunk MJ talks about being stuck and starts yelling, I feel sort of bad that I'm having all this fun and Catherine can't take part it in, so I consider lowering down a TV so she can watch, but the last time I did that she kicked in the screen and tried to slit her wrists with the glass. I had to poke her unconscious with a stick and then sew up her wrists with fishing wire. That'll teach me to try to include Catherine in my life in any real way. Really, she's so ungrateful.
Everyone is hanging at the house again, and David has to go to his hotel or barracks or whatever and MJ insists on walking David home, even though the big man protests. Ooh, it's clear MJ just wants to get away from Ashley, who can totally tell. Guys are very dumb sometimes. Except for me. I'm quite clever. (Hi, FBI! Nee-ner.)
MJ and David leave and walk down the street, MJ admitting that he indeed needed to get away. Now, if any kids are reading this, I need to say one thing before continuing with this scene: kids, don't chew tobacco. It's just disgusting, and can easily give you Eddie Van Halen mouth cancer. Especially if you're going into the Indiana Pacer Army like David is or are a character on a popular television show like The Real World as MJ is, despite having initials for a name -- you shouldn't do something so harmful and unattractive and chewing tobacco. (/end rant) StinkyMouthOne and StinkyMouthTwo decide to sit on a bench and talk. MJ tells us that he's gotten closer to David lately than he ever has been. David, with a giant wad in his mouth, tells MJ how much he always looked up to him and says that he can do anything. "You're so, like, the definition of a great guy," says David. MJ tells us that David is now a professional athlete (he is?! Do the "Pacers" know?), and David feels sorry for MJ that he isn't. MJ adds that it's the hardest thing that he never made it in football because it was his whole life and now he has to figure out a different path. It's like with me. I was all set to be a top designer when my first boyfriend called me ugly and I accidentally bashed his head in with a dresser's dummy and then raped his body and buried him behind the Dairy Queen. After that, I just had to figure out a different path for myself. See. Reality-show characters really are just like you and me! The men hug and part.
Back at the house, Landon, wearing hunky glasses, talks to Shavonda. Landon is upset because David told him MJ is a totally different person back home, and now Landon doesn't feel like he really knows MJ anymore. Wait, I knew there were two gay characters on this program, but I was told it was Willie and Karamo, not Landon. I'm confused! Landon continues to complain, and then tells us that he feels closed off from MJ's life and he really feels like they should be "best buds." Landon seems near tears, and then he peters out. Oh, so sad. I just asked Catherine if she ever felt like that with any of her friends, and you know what she responded? She said, "Fuck you, you crazy sicko. Your recap is going to suck ass because you're a freakazoid monster." See what I have to put up with? I mean, I know I can be not nice sometimes, like how this month as punishment I'm making her not wear clothes so she can see how ugly and skinny she's gotten, but I have feelings too. One of these day, I swear. Oh, more commercials. Maybe I'll take Precious for a walk. Ha, who am I kidding? I'm way too cozy to leave!
Six minutes of commercials? I know MTV has to pay the bills, but c'mon! You never see PBS doing six minutes of commercials, except during their awful pledge drives. I once considered donating, but then the late William Safire wrote an amazing piece in the New York Times about how we shouldn't support arts or art forms that can't support themselves, and I totally agree. (Sorry jazz!)
MJ and Ashley are at the zoo. What fun! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! MJ tells us that he really wanted to show Ashley around this -- his, not my -- great city of Philadelphia, and also wanted them to have time alone to catch up. MJ compares her looks to a cheetah's. I think I look like a beautiful butterfly. Unless I'm having one of my "fat days." Then I look more like a hippo, LOL. MJ tells us that he admitted to Ashley having done more with girls here than just kissing. Ooh. I hate cheaters! Paul was a cheater. Was. MJ says that Ashley took the news well, and that it'll never happen again. Yeah, right, Mr. Cheaty McCheaterson.
Ashley packs to leave. That was a short trip! Only fourteen minutes, hee! She says goodbye to all the girls, and then they drive to the airport. MJ wears too many tank tops, even though he looks good in them. I think he'd look great in my Patricia Quinn skin blouse and a top hat! (Call me, Project Runway!) Ashley and MJ have a very cold goodbye as he tells us that they did fight a little, and that it put a bit of a damper on their weekend together. Sad.
Back at the house. The phone rings. It's Ashley, already back home. (Crazy timeline!) She wants to talk to MJ without being recorded. She says that she has some questions for him. He wonders if it's bad stuff, and she says that she's not going to talk about it right now. Ooh, I wonder if she's pregnant? A little The Real World baby. That would be soooo cute. Despite what you might think, I really do love babies. They always stare at me, too. I would someday like to be a mommy. Wishful thinking, but maybe! As the song from the Polar Express says: "Believe." MJ says he's not looking forward to coming home to a bunch of questions. He tells us that he wishes she would put more into their relationship. She apologizes, and MJ says that she's not, and that it's not fair to him, and she says it will be resolved soon, but he doesn't think it ever will, and I don't want to judge here, but it really sounds like MJ wants to break up with Ashley. I mean, if you want to, just do it. Don't be a coward. There is nothing worse than being led on. Except maybe being trapped in a well, right, Catherine, ha ha? MJ hangs up on Ashley.
MJ tells us that he's frustrated and doesn't know what to do, and that he's going to bed with unresolved issues. Join the club.
But it's TV so it's morning really quickly! MJ calls Ashley and leaves a message, hoping she's doing well. He apologizes (but not really!), and then suddenly MJ, Shavonda, and Landon are going to see the great Titanic exhibit (the ship, not the wonderful film!) that's in town right now (their town, I mean, of course). They walk through a real model of some of the Titanic rooms and halls. Cool. Then MJ talks to Shavonda about how Ashley wants to share her feelings but won't, and then he admits that he hung up on Ashley. Well, admitting it is the first step!
At home, MJ calls Ashley, who is mad at him for hanging up. She repeats that she needs some questions answered before she moves on with him, and he says he think it's selfish, and at some point I lost exactly what they were talking about. Relationships are hard. That's probably why none of mine work out. I'm sorry to sound so depressing, but it really is hard being a fake tranny in the city. Ooh, that would make a great TV show. Fake Tranny In The City. Can I be the lead? Please, UPN? Ashley says that she let MJ have his own selfish time, and that her heart was broken four months ago. (What did he do? Sounds juicy.) Landon says that MJ's getting a taste of his own medicine right now, and then Ashley says she's not "a hundred per cent" with him right now, and he goes on to say that now neither is he, and though I'm not sure what they're talking about, it makes me feel sad because they play sad music. Manipulative, much! MJ tells us he needs to be able to control a relationship (good luck! I can't even control my hair some days, let alone my dog or the girl in my well). Then he tells Ashley he didn't see "this" coming, and he hangs up. I think they broke up. He tells us his "safety net" is gone now, and that it's scary.
Hot shirtless men alert! Woohoo! Landon and MJ lie in just their boxers in their bedroom. Landon talks about growing apart from MJ. Then MJ asks what Landon's issues are with him. Hello, Mr. Confrontation! Landon says, "I feel like you give me half of who you are." Okay, so Landon is the gay one on the show. Clearly. They talk about what David said about MJ being a different person and MJ says the only thing he hasn't shown is his anger. MJ tells us that people here don't know his history. MJ says he wishes he'd invested more into the "process" of the show, like Landon has. "I have to open up and let people get inside MJ," says MJ. Wow, I could make a really inappropriate joke about that, but I'm sure if I did you would all think I meant I'd like to cut him open with an axe, but no, smarty-pantses. You'd be wrong. I would be talking about having sex with him. Who's so smart now? Not you.
Landon talks about Ashley, and MJ says he knew something was wrong with Ashley but that she wasn't saying what it was. Landon says it's hard to be in limbo as he's been, and that he really just wants MJ to be happy. Yeah, in his pants. Ha. Landon tells us that they've resolved something. They grasp hands, shirtless, like gladiators, and instead of making out, we fade to black. Over already?! Noooooo!
Scenes from week! Yay! Sarah yells into the phone to her mom that she knows how to lose weight, and asks please never to talk about her body again. Wow. My mom used to criticize my appearance all the time. I can just hear her voice now: "Jame! Is that a corpse mask on your face?! What are you doing with that ice pick? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Okay, Mom, I get it! God! Anyway, , Willie and Sarah have a screaming fight about who is working harder on building some playground. And then Kelly Clarkson is warbling on my screen and I have to turn it off very quickly because I'm still too steamed about Clay not winning to even talk about American Idol.
Well, that's my first recap, you guys. I hope you liked it. I tried really hard to be snarky when I remembered, but it's just not my instinct. I'm more of a friendly, loving type of person. Not your typical bitter recapper, I know, but I tried! Maybe a little breath of fresh air is a good thing? I hope. Just my two cents, your mileage may vary. I guess I'm going to go take a bath and then poke Catherine unconscious with a stick and hose its well out. It's very dirty. The well and Catherine. Create a cool day!