I would just like to start by pointing out that, in order to write this Extra, I opened up the file from the season preview. Do you want to know the date on that file? Do you? May 28, 2003. That's right. This season lasted almost seven months. More than half of a year. What is up with that?
Props to the MTV graphics department for the opening credits to this show, which featured paper cutouts in red, white, and blue. Maybe they could lend some fonts to Bunim-Murray, so they could cut it out with the Comic Sans already? Anyway, we're welcomed to the show by La La. No, really. That's her name. I haven't watched TRL in a long time, so I've never seen this chick before. I wonder if she has older siblings named Do Do, Re Re, Mi Mi, Fa Fa, and So So. Not to mention her kid sister Ti Ti.
La La introduces Leah, who looks exactly the same, and CT, who got a haircut. I'm kind of sad, because his hair was so awesome, but it really needed to happen, and on first glance, he looks really good with really short hair. Mallory is wearing glasses. Adam got a haircut too, which makes me very happy. It's much less floppy. He looks like a man, instead of a sheepdog. Christina has...oh, dear. Christina clearly got hold of one of those home highlighting kits, because she has a big patch of hair in the front that is orange, like the color darker hair turns when you try to lighten it at home. Remember the summer between seventh and eighth grade when you tried Sun-In for the first time? It's like that. But Christina is way too old for that. It's just bad. Ace is the same, so that's all I have to say about that. Simon is not there, but he's joining them by phone. I know it will not top Teck's satellite appearance during the 2000 Reunion, when he started laughing hysterically at Kaia. Mallory and Leah yell to Simon that they miss him, and practically carry on a whole conversation with him, like, I'm sorry it costs a lot of money to make an overseas call, but call him on your own dime, ladies. La La asks what's going on in Dublin. Simon says he's in bed, and then adds that it's his birthday weekend, so he's not feeling very well. Mallory wishes him a happy birthday, and I hope she doesn't think that means she doesn't have to send a card.
La La introduces the first question, which is for Ace. Each question is accompanied by a short clip package, but I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you either watched the season, or read the recaps, or both, so I'm not going to bother explaining the montages. La La asks, "So how do you spend a thousand dollars on strippers?" That is a question I don't really want answered. My imagination is bad enough. Ace says it was a bottle of vodka and a lot of lapdances. La La asks Mallory how she felt about the strip club. Mallory says she was uptight about it at the time, but that she's visited a few since, and that she's okay with them now. Ace jokes that Mallory now works at a strip club.
French Kissing And Telling
“ CT grabs Leah's head and starts making out with her. That was so set up beforehand. Once they stop, Leah goes back for more. The studio audience seriously could not care less. They don't even go, 'Wooo!' Who's ever heard of an MTV studio audience that doesn't go 'Wooo!'? ”
Lee Lee doesn't care to follow up on that, and pushes right ahead to the question, which is for CT. Ling Ling says it was "the St. Valentine's Day massacre." After the clip package, Loobyloo starts to ask why CT claimed he sent Leah flowers, but CT interrupts to blame the whole thing on Ace, because Ace was the first to say that they were from CT. Adam sticks up for his boyfriend, but as usual, CT shouts him down. Everyone is laughing about it, though. La La asks Ace why he started the whole thing, and Ace says that when he saw the name Christopher, he immediately thought of CT, because he doesn't know any other Christophers. CT adds that he even asked Leah if she knew any other Christophers, and she said she didn't. Leah pretends she doesn't know what he's talking about. Mallory comments that she didn't get any flowers. Hey, yeah. Who were Christina's flowers from, then? That's a question I do want answered. Alas, it is not to be.
J.Lo totally breaks format and asks another question that is not part of the numbered countdown. Dammit! Anyway, she thinks that the girls always jumped down CT's throat, when often Ace was committing the same crimes. For example, the night they were loudly playing pool, and woke Christina up or the time Ace ate Christina's eggs, and she blamed CT, who claimed he hadn't "touched an egg in a minute, girl." Christina says that it's all about diplomacy, because Ace always apologized and cleaned the house, whereas CT just yelled. Everyone starts imitating CT's fighting style. Leilani asks Simon what he thinks. Simon says that CT will fight back, whereas Ace just wants everyone to love him.
Lip Lock says that the question is for Christina. After the clip package, she asks, "What is up with all the flirting?" Wow, they had to dig deep to find a question to ask Christina, because that is just lame. Christina says that Simon got more kisses than any guy. Simon says, "Yo, yo, I'm a ho." Leah adds that the girls hooked up with Simon more than they've ever hooked up before. Leelee asks, "What is your definition of hooking up?" Leah doesn't really answer, and CT mumbles something that causes Leah to look at him in mock shock. He grabs her head and starts making out with her. That was so set up beforehand. Once they stop, Leah goes back for more. The studio audience seriously could not care less. They don't even go, "Wooo!" Who's ever heard of an MTV studio audience that doesn't go "Wooo!"?
Loblaw says that it's Simon's turn, and after the clip package, she asks, "Where were you the whole damn season?" Simon says he just did his thing and he can't control what the producers show, but that he feels like he got off lightly. Mallory says that Simon didn't have any huge issues, which means that he didn't hook up and he didn't get in fights. Loofah asks why Simon didn't hang out with the guys. Simon says he got along better with the girls immediately, but adds that he got along better with Adam and Ace, but that they usually wanted to go out and chase girls, which wasn't his bag.
French Kissing And Telling
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Dance. First of all, the title is awesome, and I bet you could figure out the whole plot just from the title. Take a second. I'll wait. Okay, it starred Robin Scorpio as a young dancer, and her parents were Gale Leery and (wait for it!) Rick Springfield. How awesome is that! So Robin Scorpio gets into some prestigious ballet company, even though her boobs were way too big for that to happen, not to mention that she's way too short. Oh, and she's also not a good dancer. So then there are the obligatory scenes where there's a mean guy in charge and a stern but kind ballet teacher, and bitchy girls in the locker room, and the sassy black best friend, and the straight male dancer, and you're like, "Wait, is this Center Stage?" and then you realize it's not, because it's not that good. And then Robin Scorpio's mentor drops dead during rehearsal from anorexia or something related to diet pills. So then you'd think Robin Scorpio would realize that the ballet company was bullshit, but instead she keeps getting crap about her "line," which is code for "fat ass." So she stops eating and starts taking "herbals" and Gale Leery is all worried about her and Rick Springfield is a workaholic so he really doesn't care and there's an awesome scene where Robin Scorpio decides that she needs to do a thousand stomach crunches, and they show the clock ticking and it's an hour and forty-five minutes later and she's STILL DOING CRUNCHES, like, is that even possible? Then Robin passes out and has to go to the hospital, but she manages to convince everyone that it was a momentary lapse, and she goes back to dancing because she's...wait for it...dying to dance. So then Gale Leery starts snooping around Robin's room and finds a shrine to anorexia which features photos of Robin Scorpio with "Fat Pig" written on them and shit like that, so she pulls Robin Scorpio out of the company and threatens the mean head guy with a lawsuit because he sent Robin Scorpio a letter telling her to lose weight and then there's a big benefit for the dead mentor and Mrs. Dead Mentor gets up and gives a big speech about how terrible eating disorders are and then they do a dance from The Lion King or something similarly ethnic and Robin Scorpio is cured! Which was awesome.
Lorelai welcomes us back and introduces the question, which is, "What was it like for you guys over there? I mean, it seemed like it was really tough to get acclimated to, like, a whole different culture." Mallory says that it was, because they only had each other, and couldn't go out and start conversations with strangers. That didn't seem to stop Adam. Lockjaw asks Ace what his problem was, and Ace says that even though he kept saying that he hated French people, his mother was born in France. Ace hates his mother! That explains so much. Ace says he had a hard time adjusting, but admits that it was due to his own ignorance. Ba Ba says that there were fewer hookups in Paris than in Vegas. Mallory says that she doesn't think anyone could top Vegas's hookups. Adam says that Vegas is the city of sin. It is? Man, I wish I had known that last season. I could have used it in a recap or something.