I would just like to start by pointing out that, in order to write this Extra, I opened up the file from the season preview. Do you want to know the date on that file? Do you? May 28, 2003. That's right. This season lasted almost seven months. More than half of a year. What is up with that?
Props to the MTV graphics department for the opening credits to this show, which featured paper cutouts in red, white, and blue. Maybe they could lend some fonts to Bunim-Murray, so they could cut it out with the Comic Sans already? Anyway, we're welcomed to the show by La La. No, really. That's her name. I haven't watched TRL in a long time, so I've never seen this chick before. I wonder if she has older siblings named Do Do, Re Re, Mi Mi, Fa Fa, and So So. Not to mention her kid sister Ti Ti.
La La introduces Leah, who looks exactly the same, and CT, who got a haircut. I'm kind of sad, because his hair was so awesome, but it really needed to happen, and on first glance, he looks really good with really short hair. Mallory is wearing glasses. Adam got a haircut too, which makes me very happy. It's much less floppy. He looks like a man, instead of a sheepdog. Christina has...oh, dear. Christina clearly got hold of one of those home highlighting kits, because she has a big patch of hair in the front that is orange, like the color darker hair turns when you try to lighten it at home. Remember the summer between seventh and eighth grade when you tried Sun-In for the first time? It's like that. But Christina is way too old for that. It's just bad. Ace is the same, so that's all I have to say about that. Simon is not there, but he's joining them by phone. I know it will not top Teck's satellite appearance during the 2000 Reunion, when he started laughing hysterically at Kaia. Mallory and Leah yell to Simon that they miss him, and practically carry on a whole conversation with him, like, I'm sorry it costs a lot of money to make an overseas call, but call him on your own dime, ladies. La La asks what's going on in Dublin. Simon says he's in bed, and then adds that it's his birthday weekend, so he's not feeling very well. Mallory wishes him a happy birthday, and I hope she doesn't think that means she doesn't have to send a card.
La La introduces the first question, which is for Ace. Each question is accompanied by a short clip package, but I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you either watched the season, or read the recaps, or both, so I'm not going to bother explaining the montages. La La asks, "So how do you spend a thousand dollars on strippers?" That is a question I don't really want answered. My imagination is bad enough. Ace says it was a bottle of vodka and a lot of lapdances. La La asks Mallory how she felt about the strip club. Mallory says she was uptight about it at the time, but that she's visited a few since, and that she's okay with them now. Ace jokes that Mallory now works at a strip club.
Lee Lee doesn't care to follow up on that, and pushes right ahead to the question, which is for CT. Ling Ling says it was "the St. Valentine's Day massacre." After the clip package, Loobyloo starts to ask why CT claimed he sent Leah flowers, but CT interrupts to blame the whole thing on Ace, because Ace was the first to say that they were from CT. Adam sticks up for his boyfriend, but as usual, CT shouts him down. Everyone is laughing about it, though. La La asks Ace why he started the whole thing, and Ace says that when he saw the name Christopher, he immediately thought of CT, because he doesn't know any other Christophers. CT adds that he even asked Leah if she knew any other Christophers, and she said she didn't. Leah pretends she doesn't know what he's talking about. Mallory comments that she didn't get any flowers. Hey, yeah. Who were Christina's flowers from, then? That's a question I do want answered. Alas, it is not to be.
J.Lo totally breaks format and asks another question that is not part of the numbered countdown. Dammit! Anyway, she thinks that the girls always jumped down CT's throat, when often Ace was committing the same crimes. For example, the night they were loudly playing pool, and woke Christina up or the time Ace ate Christina's eggs, and she blamed CT, who claimed he hadn't "touched an egg in a minute, girl." Christina says that it's all about diplomacy, because Ace always apologized and cleaned the house, whereas CT just yelled. Everyone starts imitating CT's fighting style. Leilani asks Simon what he thinks. Simon says that CT will fight back, whereas Ace just wants everyone to love him.
Lip Lock says that the question is for Christina. After the clip package, she asks, "What is up with all the flirting?" Wow, they had to dig deep to find a question to ask Christina, because that is just lame. Christina says that Simon got more kisses than any guy. Simon says, "Yo, yo, I'm a ho." Leah adds that the girls hooked up with Simon more than they've ever hooked up before. Leelee asks, "What is your definition of hooking up?" Leah doesn't really answer, and CT mumbles something that causes Leah to look at him in mock shock. He grabs her head and starts making out with her. That was so set up beforehand. Once they stop, Leah goes back for more. The studio audience seriously could not care less. They don't even go, "Wooo!" Who's ever heard of an MTV studio audience that doesn't go "Wooo!"?
Loblaw says that it's Simon's turn, and after the clip package, she asks, "Where were you the whole damn season?" Simon says he just did his thing and he can't control what the producers show, but that he feels like he got off lightly. Mallory says that Simon didn't have any huge issues, which means that he didn't hook up and he didn't get in fights. Loofah asks why Simon didn't hang out with the guys. Simon says he got along better with the girls immediately, but adds that he got along better with Adam and Ace, but that they usually wanted to go out and chase girls, which wasn't his bag.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Dance. First of all, the title is awesome, and I bet you could figure out the whole plot just from the title. Take a second. I'll wait. Okay, it starred Robin Scorpio as a young dancer, and her parents were Gale Leery and (wait for it!) Rick Springfield. How awesome is that! So Robin Scorpio gets into some prestigious ballet company, even though her boobs were way too big for that to happen, not to mention that she's way too short. Oh, and she's also not a good dancer. So then there are the obligatory scenes where there's a mean guy in charge and a stern but kind ballet teacher, and bitchy girls in the locker room, and the sassy black best friend, and the straight male dancer, and you're like, "Wait, is this Center Stage?" and then you realize it's not, because it's not that good. And then Robin Scorpio's mentor drops dead during rehearsal from anorexia or something related to diet pills. So then you'd think Robin Scorpio would realize that the ballet company was bullshit, but instead she keeps getting crap about her "line," which is code for "fat ass." So she stops eating and starts taking "herbals" and Gale Leery is all worried about her and Rick Springfield is a workaholic so he really doesn't care and there's an awesome scene where Robin Scorpio decides that she needs to do a thousand stomach crunches, and they show the clock ticking and it's an hour and forty-five minutes later and she's STILL DOING CRUNCHES, like, is that even possible? Then Robin passes out and has to go to the hospital, but she manages to convince everyone that it was a momentary lapse, and she goes back to dancing because she's...wait for it...dying to dance. So then Gale Leery starts snooping around Robin's room and finds a shrine to anorexia which features photos of Robin Scorpio with "Fat Pig" written on them and shit like that, so she pulls Robin Scorpio out of the company and threatens the mean head guy with a lawsuit because he sent Robin Scorpio a letter telling her to lose weight and then there's a big benefit for the dead mentor and Mrs. Dead Mentor gets up and gives a big speech about how terrible eating disorders are and then they do a dance from The Lion King or something similarly ethnic and Robin Scorpio is cured! Which was awesome.
Lorelai welcomes us back and introduces the question, which is, "What was it like for you guys over there? I mean, it seemed like it was really tough to get acclimated to, like, a whole different culture." Mallory says that it was, because they only had each other, and couldn't go out and start conversations with strangers. That didn't seem to stop Adam. Lockjaw asks Ace what his problem was, and Ace says that even though he kept saying that he hated French people, his mother was born in France. Ace hates his mother! That explains so much. Ace says he had a hard time adjusting, but admits that it was due to his own ignorance. Ba Ba says that there were fewer hookups in Paris than in Vegas. Mallory says that she doesn't think anyone could top Vegas's hookups. Adam says that Vegas is the city of sin. It is? Man, I wish I had known that last season. I could have used it in a recap or something.
Lockup says that it's time for Adam to be in the hot seat, and I get really excited that she's going to ask him about his forbidden love for Ace. Instead, she asks, "Is it a relationship? Is it a hookup? Is it a one-night stand?" Adam says that he started dating really late. Simon pipes up to say that if he didn't have a boyfriend while he was in Paris, he would've hooked up more than Adam did. The first time I watched this, I thought Simon was saying that if he didn't have a boyfriend, he would've hooked up with Adam, which would have been a lot more interesting. That would also have been the perfect time for the host to ask Simon if he and Kakistos are still together, but she doesn't. Christina says that none of them had the balls to go out and talk to people, except Adam.
Liplock tells CT to get ready, because the heat is about to come his way. After a clip package of CT's greatest hits, she asks, "What is it about you? I met you, and you seem like a really cool guy." Is that even a question, really? How did that make the top ten questions? Adam says that CT is hard, and that living with someone is difficult under the best of circumstances. That's so true. As my friend Tictac often said in college, when it was time to pick a roommate, "There are friends, and then there are friends you can live with." Unfortunately, I had a hard time making that distinction. Luckily, I never lived with Tictac, since I went to a Catholic school and they didn't allow boys and girls to live together on campus, and that's probably why we're still friends today. But I digress. Christina says that she and CT get along fine now, but that it was different when they lived together. CT says that he takes responsibility for how poor his relationships with his roommates were. Liftoff asks how CT feels when he watches the footage now. CT admits that he was embarrassed when he punched the blurry guy. CT says that the guy was throwing ice cubes at them, talking shit to the girls, and talking shit to the cameramen, but then when CT wanted to fight, the blurry guy backed down, and CT lost control. Limbo asks how they feel about CT now. Adam says that since they haven't been living together, everything is fine. CT says there's no bad blood. Is that really his call to make? I notice no one agrees with him.
Since I didn't do one last week, I thought I'd bring you a bonus Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week this time around. The bonus most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the episode of Little House on the Prairie where Nellie was a bitch to Laura. Oh, wait. That was every third episode. This particular episode took place not long after what may be my favorite LHOTP (that's what the cool kids call it) ever, which was the "Gift of the Magi"-inspired Christmas episode in which Laura sells her pony, Bunny, to Nellie Oleson so that she could buy Ma a new stove, but Pa already bought Ma a new stove. So it starts in the schoolhouse, and Nellie is all torturing Laura by talking about how great Bunny is, and you knew something was up because Nellie was sitting right behind Laura and Mary instead of in her regular seat on the left side in the second row where she belongs. So then Laura sees Nellie riding Bunny, and totally beating the horse with a whip, and Bunny takes off through the fields and Nellie runs into a low-hanging branch and falls off. And "Nellie" was clearly a man wearing a blond wig. So then Doc Baker comes and says that Nellie is fine, and that she has a concussion, but that she should sleep it off, when everyone knows that you aren't supposed to go to sleep if you have a concussion, like, can I see your diploma again, Doc Baker? So then Nellie has no feeling in her legs and they show super close-ups of Doc Baker pushing a needle into Nellie's toes, and her toenails are really gross, like it wouldn't have bothered me one bit if they had anachronistically given Nellie a pedicure. So Harriet is distraught and tells Nels to shoot Bunny, and Laura hears this and steals Bunny and puts her in the barn, and Ma and Pa and Nels all know but they don't care because they know it's not Bunny's fault. So then Nellie totally milks the whole paralyzed thing to get candy and new toys and one night Willie discovers Nellie dancing around her bedroom and she's not paralyzed at all, but Nellie promises to share her candy if Willie keeps his mouth shut. And Nellie takes advantage of Laura's guilt by getting Laura to do all her homework and Laura starts falling behind in her chores and at school because she's so busy doing Nellie's homework. And Laura has to turn down a fishing trip with the family and her new boyfriend Jason in order to do her own homework on the weekend. So Harriet goes out to the Ingalls's homestead to thank Charles for making Nellie's wheelchair, and she totally busts Laura riding Bunny. So Laura takes off on Bunny and she plans on going to the Olesons' house to apologize or something and she spots Nellie dancing around the bedroom with one of her new dolls. So Laura goes in and tells Nellie that they're supposed to go for a walk, and she pushes Nellie up a big hill in her wheelchair and then when Harriet drives by, Laura totally pushes Nellie down the hill! And Nellie goes bump bump bump and into a big pond! And then Nellie stands up and screams and Harriet thinks it's a miracle that Nellie can walk again and she falls off her carriage and then Nels tells Laura it's totally fine and even gives Bunny back. But the very last scene featured Nellie throwing a shit fit in her bedroom and breaking all her new dolls and screaming that she would get even with Laura! So that was awesome.
Lo Mein welcomes us back and brings up the Mallory vs. Leah confrontations. After the clip package, she asks Mallory, "What made you reach your breaking point?" Mallory says she said something that Mallory took "offensively." Mallory adds that they aren't supposed to interact with the crew, but that Leah was a linecrosser and gave one of the camera guys a hard time. Leah interrupts to say that she was obsessed with this camera guy. Mallory says she said something to Leah about it, and that they were both drunk, and Leah "took it way offensive." Is Mallory trying to say that Leah was offended, or that she got defensive? I think she just invented a new way to combine the two terms. Simon gives props to Mallory for speaking up, and adds that sometimes he felt the same way, but that he never said it.
Leapfrog says that CT was nice to Leah when everyone was mad at her, but then Leah "still dogged him out in the hot tub." After the clip package, she asks, "It's crazy to me, because I watched that. You go from one extreme to the . So, what's the deal?" Is that even English? Leah starts to answer, and notices that CT is mock-snarling at her, so she gives him permission to call her a bitch. Oh, was I supposed to ask permission? Because I've been doing it all along. Leah tries to say that she and CT come from the same background, which is interesting, since at the beginning of the season, Leah was always saying that CT was uneducated and shit. CT keeps interrupting and calling Leah a bitch, and Leah giggles, but you know she's secretly pissed. Leah says that she often cringed while watching the show, and thought that she wouldn't even want to be friends with the Leah she was on the screen. Leah concludes that CT didn't deserve the treatment he got. CT says, "Maybe a little." Leah agrees, but says that CT isn't a bad guy.
Loop-de-loo says that CT is the subject of the question, which is about Jamie's visit. After the clip package, Lollipop asks, "Why would you have [Jamie] come all the way to Paris just to dump her?" CT says it wasn't supposed to be like that. He explains that Jamie was supposed to leave earlier than she actually did, so he made plans with his cousin, but then Jamie lost her passport and had to say a few extra days, and CT got caught in the middle. Listerine asks Leah why she was sitting on the hot tub and eavesdropping. CT wants to know about that, too. Leah says that she and Wendy were doing pedicures, and she went to the hot tub to soak her cuticles. The audience cracks up at this ridiculous statement. La La wins the right to have me use her actual name when she asks, "You couldn't wait for a better time?" Awesome. CT wants to know who told Jamie about the hot tub conversation. Leah says she didn't. Simon calls out that he knows. Mallory says it was her, but I guess no one hears it. Simon says he was just kidding, and that he doesn't know. Maybe I didn't hear Mallory right, but no one ever admits to being the snitch. CT clearly thinks it was Leah, though. La La gets her name again by asking Leah if she's sure she wasn't spying. Leah says she's not a nosy person. Ha! Ha ha ha!
Then we get to see some of the unused footage. Most of it is people falling down or running into things, which is funny to watch, but not that funny to read about. Ace gives a confessional detailing how many times the guys (minus Simon) masturbated. Ace was in the lead with twenty-eight, and Adam was in second with twenty-three, but CT claimed that he never did. I'm not buying it. There's one funny shot where Adam pulls down Ace's pants and then Ace rubs his butt on Adam, who is enjoying that a lot! Simon puts on an orange wig and beard, and a green and orange hat, and says, "Give me my potatoes!" Simon and Leah cheat on a French quiz. CT smells bad in a cab. After the footage ends, Ace says he loves watching it, and plugs the Real World You Never Saw DVD.
La La says that it's time for the last question. After a clip package about Mallory and Ace, she asks, "Ace and Mallory, secret kissing, snuggling. So what's the deal? Are you guys an item?" Mallory says that they are dating. Everyone applauds weakly. Ace says that they've been dating for about two months. He details that they started dating about a week after they got home, but then they had a little fight, and then they made up. Rumor on the forums has it that Ace hooked up with Trishelle, and that was the cause of the little fight. See what you're missing if you don't read the forums? Ace adds that they actually see each other quite a bit because of their promotional appearances and such. Ace says some nice things about Mallory, and she grins. That's it? That was the only question I was even a little bit interested in, and I wanted to know if they were really secretly dating the whole time they were in Paris, not if thye are still together. Weak. La La tells us that the San Diego season will start in January, but there's no mention of pending litigation. See you then!