The episode begins with a few quick clips from various roommates' audition tapes. Remember casting specials? They were kind of interesting, weren't they? I always liked knowing about the rejects. But in the new Real World, they have to get to the drinking and sex as soon as possible, so no more casting specials for you! Anyway, we start out by meeting Randy, a twenty-four-year-old from Boston. Randy needs a shave and a haircut. I don't know about the two bits. I don't want to think about Randy's bits at all, actually. He does need some shampoo. He has that Boston accent though, which I love. Randy interviews that he wears his heart ("haaa-aht!") on his sleeve and doesn't play games.
up is Robin, a twenty-three-year-old student at University of South Florida. She lives in Tampa, which Djb has noted is the prime provider of reality-show participants. Robin also has really, really big boobs. I don't know if they're real. They look real to me, mostly because she kind of has walleye boob (they're pointing two different ways), and why would someone pay for that? Maybe it's just a bad boob job. I don't know. Robin is a bartender at Coyote Ugly. I was unaware that Coyote Ugly was a chain. Robin interviews that she thought she was going to go to law school, but that she changed her mind after freshman year. She's twenty-three. How many freshman years did she have, exactly?
Jacquese (prounounced Ja-Queese) is nineteen and from Patterson, New Jersey. His name kind of sucks. I'm sure in junior high, he got called Jaqueef and Jaqueer. Jacquese interviews that college is very important to him. So he's taking a semester off to go on this show.
News alert! Jamie, a twenty-year-old from San Francisco, wants us to know that "it's tough to be a minority." Alert all major media and send out a press release! But, whew, Jamie has learned to accept that she's a member of an ethnic minority group (she's Asian). Well, thank God. Or whatever deity those minority types worship.
Frankie is twenty-one and from Kansas City. She's got reddish-blonde hair and Bettie Page-style bangs, along with a pierced lip. It always cracks me up when so-called "alternative" types talk about how they have to express their individuality through their appearance, and then they end up looking like every other alternative type out there. Like, "I'm so misunderstood and unique that I have to dye my hair with Manic Panic and get a piercing in my face! I like to dress in '40s and '50s style and I love Bettie Page!" Anyway, Frankie interviews that she was always really different in high school, and that she worked in a porn shop. She's sex-positive! I'll bet she knits vibrator cozies and collects vintage aprons!
we meet Cameran, who is nineteen and from Anderson, South Carolina. I have to believe that either "Cameran" is a family name, or her mother has messy handwriting and her birth certificate got screwed up at the hospital. Because otherwise, her name sucks too. It's so close to both camera and catamaran! ["And isn't 'cameran' Spanish for 'shrimp'?" -- Wing Chun] Cameran interviews that she always vowed to leave the South, but now that she's older, she doesn't think she can. Because us Yankees laugh at her name. I should confess that my family comes from South Carolina, so I feel a little bad making fun of it. But not really.
Brad, twenty-two, is from Chicago, Illinois (actually, Orland Park). And he drives a crotch rocket. And he thinks it's really cool to peel out on it. It looks like someone saw Top Gun at an impressionable age. It's just the first sign that perhaps Brad needs more than the usual confirmation of his masculinity. Brad has a girlfriend named Andrea, and they've been together since he was seventeen. Brad and Andrea try to hug and kiss for the camera, but they have zero chemistry. Also, Andrea looks too much like Alison from Big Brother 4 for my taste. Brad reads a message telling him to pick up his new roommate in San Diego. I hope the new roommate isn't waiting outdoors, because the trip from Illinois to California is going to take a while, even if Brad does have a super-fast motorcycle.
The opening credits are letterboxed now. That is so wrong. Following the credits, J-Dawg said, "Is it wrong that I hate all of them already?" Then he left the room and didn't come back until the episode was over. He's a smart man.
A few million shots of the ocean later, Brad rides into town. He voice-overs that he hopes his new roommate is a girl, because he doesn't want to put a guy on the back of his motorcycle. See? Issues with his masculinity. Long-term girlfriend. Crotch rocket. Slight homophobic tendencies. Just keep these things in mind. But who will Brad be picking up?
Is it Cameran? Cameran waits on a pier and says that she loves Southern gentlemen, and that she doesn't like people from up north. She adds, "'Yankees,' as we so-called Southerners call them." So she doesn't think she's a Southerner? She doesn't like to be called a Southerner? Also, fuck off, Catamaran. I like a lot of people from the South, but not you.
Is it Frankie? Frankie waits in a garden or something and voice-overs that she tends to like skinny, tattooed white boys. Wow, I never would have guessed.
Is it Robin? She's walking down a sidewalk, and then she interviews that she'd like to find someone special, but until then, she'll have a good time. Goddamn, her boobs are huge. I'm sorry to keep harping on it, but they're just so out there.
Is it Jamie? She interviews that it doesn't make sense to be serious when you're young, and that she wants to be friends with all her roommates. Yeah, it's easy to say that when you haven't met them yet. Brad pulls up and picks up Jamie. They hug hello. Jamie interviews that Brad is macho and reminds her of fraternity boys from back home, but cuter. Brad kind of looks like Dr. Dave from ER. Jamie heads to the motorcycle and says that her mom will kill her when she sees this. Jamie interviews that her parents are both from Korea, and aren't fully adjusted to American culture. Jamie hops on the motorcycle, and she and Brad take off.
Back at the garden, Frankie waits some more. Frankie interviews that moving in with new people in a new city is stressful. Jacquese walks up, and there is totally a bulleted list under his name to remind us that he's a business management major at Morehouse College. What's with the bulleted list? At least they aren't using Comic Sans anymore, so thank God for small favors. Jacquese interviews that his hometown isn't great, and that most of the people he grew up with sell drugs or went to prison, and he's the opposite. Jacquese and Frankie meet. One of Frankie's many, many bracelets falls off, and Jacquese retrieves it for her. Jacquese interviews that he saw Frankie's bracelets and piercings and figured she was a punk rocker, and then he explains that they are waiting for a trolley to take them to the house. While they are waiting, Jacquese points out a koi in the pond and suggests that they grill it at the house tonight. What? What kind of small talk is that? The lame kind. Frankie says that her boyfriend tattoos a lot of kois on people. Oh, she's one of those "my boyfriend" people, who loves to "casually" work her boyfriend into every conversation. Jacquese picks up on it and asks if it's hard having a long-distance relationship. Frankie says that her boyfriend isn't happy about it, but that they're working through it. ["That, and she wouldn't know if it's hard since they've only been apart for one day, at this point." -- Wing Chun] Frankie interviews that she's in a relationship with a guy she's known for almost six years. We get a quick shot of Dave, Frankie's boyfriend, who looks like a blond Eric Balfour. Frankie explains that she and Dave met in the back of a porn shop. Sexy! Jacquese suggests that Frankie and Dave will learn to appreciate each other, and then fishes for a compliment when he says that it might be a problem if there are cute dudes in the house. Frankie totally misses the hint to tell Jacquese that he's cute, and just laughs.
Randy walks near the ocean. Another bulleted list lets us know that he is a graduate of the Art Institute of Boston. Randy interviews that Southern California is very different from Boston. Wow, thank you for telling me that. Randy, did you know that it's tough being a minority? And thus concludes the "mastery of the obvious" portion of tonight's episode. Randy says that it's "almost like [his] idealistic [sic] place to live." I guess the Art Institute of Boston doesn't have a strong English department.
Robin is nearby, and her bulleted list doesn't tell us anything we don't already know about her. Robin interviews that she's lived ten minutes away from her family her whole life, so it will be a huge culture shock for her to start over on her own. Randy and Robin meet and introduce themselves. Robin begins what will soon because a really annoying habit of saying "right on" in place of "okay" or "sure" or, well, anything. My friend Eric did that for a while. So I killed him and buried him in my back yard. Robin and Randy discover that they both work in bars; Randy works security. Robin immediately reveals that she's "a coyote," so she must be really proud of it, which is kind of sad. She claims that she gets paid to throw a party, which is a nicer way of saying that she gets paid to dance on a bar and let drunken guys leer at her boobs. Robin just said "right on" again. Please stop that, Robin.
Frankie and Jacquese's trolley arrives. Jacquese offers to carry Frankie's bag the ten feet to the trolley. What a gentleman.
As Frankie and Jacquese are getting on the trolley, Robin and Randy are taking a water taxi to the house.
Brad and Jamie are the first to arrive at the house, and every season I say this, but seriously. Enough with the montage of the roommates running around the house and talking about how great the house is. This season, the house is particular garish. It reminds me of the Hawaii house. It is, however, right on the water, so I'm jealous of that. And they have a beautiful deck with a great view. Brad says that it's "off the hook," and that begins the "people using slang so often that I started to think I had stumbled onto a parody of this show" portion of the episode.
Frankie and Jacquese get off their trolley. Jamie alerts Brad that someone is there. Jamie says "hello" like he's Jerry Seinfeld's girlfriend's belly button. Frankie and Jacquese walk in, and everyone makes introductions. Frankie interviews that Brad is really happy, and that it's contagious. Jacquese interviews that he gets along with everybody as long as they respect him. Jacquese asks Brad for the tour. They end up in the exercise room. Frankie says that she's totally not athletic, and that the room is completely foreign to her. Brad interviews that Frankie is unique, but cute. Jacquese checks out the roommates' car, which is a bright yellow SUV. Jamie discovers the hot tub, and Frankie says that she loves rubber ducks.
Meanwhile, Randy and Robin are still on the water taxi, probably circling the city because the producers want to manage the arrival times to the second. They stop and pick up Cameran, whose bulleted list tells us that she goes to Tri County College in Columbia. Cameran says that she's from a small town in South Carolina, and that this will be "a big culture shock." Since both she and Robin used the phrase "culture shock," I have to think that the producers asked, "Will moving to San Diego be a big culture shock?" Cameran gets on the boat, and introductions are made. Randy interviews that Cameran is "full of personality." Look out, Randy! She hates you! You're a Yankee! Cameran and Robin bond over being Southern, but I don't really consider Florida a Southern state. I mean, I know it is geographically, but the culture seems totally different from, say, Georgia. Cameran asks the others if they have boyfriends or girlfriends. Well, she doesn't say that. She asks if Robin has a boyfriend or Randy has a girlfriend, because they don't have the gays at Tri County College. Anyway, everyone is unattached, so Cameran proclaims that they are "all single mingles!" Shut up, Cameran. I hate you. Already.
Brad suggests that they go on a beer run, and Frankie quickly agrees. I guess it makes sense for those two to go, since the others are underage and all. I just hope they pick up some sodas for the people who aren't legally allowed to drink! While the beer runners are gone, the last three roommates arrive. Interesting how the producers didn't have one outcast of the season arrive separately, like they usually do. Jamie runs out to the dock to meet the newcomers, and hugs and introductions are exchanged. Robin says, "Yo, look at this house! It's dope! Let's get up in here!" Isn't she from Tampa? This is the point where I decided this episode was a parody. Jamie explains about the beer run, and Robin says (wait for it), "Right on!"
Brad and Frankie have procured alcohol.
Meanwhile, the other roommates are touring the house, and Cameran notices a not-at-all product-placed book, which just coincidentally gets mentioned in the credits. Anyway, it's about sex, and Cameran interviews that sex is not important to her, and that she thinks it's "messy and awkward" and "not a big deal at all." Which means that she's never had good sex. I'm guessing she used to have a boyfriend named Sheldon, and that they broke up because of days of the week underpants.
Brad and Frankie drive back to the house. Brad asks if Frankie will have a lot of friends visiting, and Frankie plays the boyfriend card. She asks if Brad misses his girlfriend, and he hesitates before saying he does, which Frankie notices. Brad interviews that Andrea is "a beautiful girl." If I had been with a guy for five years and the best he could say about me is that I'm beautiful, it would be off. Brad explains that he didn't think five months apart would be a big deal. Brad looks out the car window pensively, wondering if he should bring up his big dick now, or later. He decides on later, and nods his head.
The other roommates sit out on the deck. Cameran asks Jacquese if he goes to Morehouse, since he's wearing the t-shirt. Jacquese says that he does, and then interviews that he's the only person in his family who has gone to college, and that he uses his family's pride to motivate him. Randy explains that he went to art school, and then interviews that people he works with would never suspect his "duality." Wow, you mean he has a job that has nothing to do with his true passion in life? Welcome to the world, Randy. Especially the world of art-school graduates. I was an English major, and we often get together with the philosophy and art majors and laugh and laugh at our former dream careers. And then we take a smoke break. Anyway, Randy confirms that he is "artsy." How can anyone say that word without adding "fartsy"?
Brad and Frankie arrive home with the beer. Someone asks if the yellow SUV is their "ride," and calls it "phat." See? Parody. Frankie and Brad bring in the beer, and then meet Cameran and Randy. Cameran interviews that at first she didn't think anyone in the house would hook up, but that there's something about Brad that she likes. Cameran performs the "hair toss with giggle," which is an 8 on the flirting difficulty scale. And no, I don't know why I keep repeating lines from late '80s movies.
Later, Jacquese asks how they are going to assign bedrooms. Robin points out that there is one triple and three boys, so that makes sense. Jacquese explains that "all the fellas are staying together, and the shorties are staying together." Excuse me, did he just say "shorties"? Shut up, Jacquese. Jamie and Cameran end up in one room, and Frankie and Robin in another. Robin says that she didn't want to live with a guy, and Frankie brings up her boyfriend AGAIN. I'm surprised Robin didn't respond, "Right on."
The roommates all sit out on the deck drinking. Robin says that she started smoking in high school. Frankie says that the cool girls in high school smoked, and that she wanted to fit in with them, so she smoked too, but they still rejected her. Everyone laughs at Frankie's rejection. Frankie interviews that she shouldn't smoke, and that she only does it when she's drinking. Cameran suggests that they quit smoking together. Sensitive music starts playing, and Frankie confesses that she has cystic fibrosis, which is a lung disease. Frankie interviews that her disease is "almost like having, like, a permanent pneumonia." Robin asks why Frankie is smoking, then, and Frankie smirks and says that she knows she shouldn't. Robin says it makes her not want to smoke around Frankie. Brad tells Frankie to put out her cigarette. Frankie says that most people her age who have CF have had a lung transplant. It sounds like most of the roommates have gone back to their own conversations, and Frankie is just talking to Robin now. Frankie interviews that she believes in taking life by the neck and riding it. Frankie tells Robin that no one should worry about her disease. Robin reaches over and grabs Frankie's wrist, and then apologizes for being cheesy. That was nice of Robin.
The roommates start pouring shots. Hey, Cameran's not twenty-one! Robin gives a toast: "Here's to staying single, seeing double, and sleeping triple." If that's the kind of thing that passes for wit at Coyote Ugly, I will continue to never go there. Robin says she's just kidding, and they all do a shot.
Inside, Brad tells Frankie that he hates drinking vodka straight. Frankie flirtatiously says that it's not bad. Frankie interviews that alcohol makes you do stupid stuff, and that she could get flirtatious with people in the house. Brad asks where everyone else is. This is starting to seem like a bad porno. Frankie and Brad walk out on the deck and admire the view. Frankie is smoking again. She tells Brad that he reminds her of a guy she had a crush on in high school. Frankie adds that she was a goth chick and a freak in high school. Frankie interviews that she's not pretty or popular, which might be disappointing. For whom? For her? For Brad? That was a strange thing to say. Brad tells Frankie that her red and blonde hair is really working for her. Actually, he says it's "blinging" for her, but I'm ignoring that. Also, what's with Brad noticing Frankie's hair color first thing? Not only her hair color, but also her highlights? I'm just saying. In a confessional, Frankie says that when she was younger, she always wanted to go to a new town and start over, and now she has that chance, but she doesn't know what to do with it. Frankie says that she's glad she and Brad bonded on their beer run. Brad considers Einstein's Theory of Relativity and then says, "Oh, yeah. It was fun. That boat's making me want to pee." I couldn't make this shit up. Look at the big brains on Brad!
The roommates do some more shots and then decide to get into the hot tub. Because adding alcohol to dehydration is always smart. Brad interviews that he thinks every girl in the house is attractive. Cameran and Jamie run through the house in their bikinis, holding hands. I notice that in one shot Cameran has a beer bottle in her hand, so she must have forgotten to try, at least, to pretend she wasn't drinking illegally. Cameran stuffs a rubber duckie down Brad's swim trunks. Jacquese and Randy kind of look at each other like, "Wow, this isn't that fun." Hee! Brad pulls the duck out of his pants. There's a sentence I never thought I'd write. He starts jokingly yelling at the duck for being a freak and trying to pull something. Cameran interviews that she didn't want a loud-mouthed Yankee in the house, but that Brad is "absolutely hilarious." He is?
Robin offers to get more beer for people, and Jamie and Cameran go with her. Brad sits on the edge of the hot tub, and Frankie stands up between his legs and starts sort of nuzzling him or whispering in his ear or something. I think Frankie's bathing suit is made of velvet. Jacquese interviews that he was sure Frankie and Brad were going to hook up. Frankie has a dazed look in her eyes, so she's either really drunk, or mesmerized by Brad. Jacquese earns some respect from me by drinking water in the hot tub, although on second thought, that could be straight vodka.
Frankie is still rubbing up on Brad. He tells her not to do that, and she asks why not. Ew, Frankie has a Hello Kitty tattoo. Unacceptable. Brad interviews that he has a girlfriend and Frankie has a boyfriend. Brad tells Frankie that her "man" won't want to see this, and that she doesn't want to "do him like that." Why do these people talk like Poochie from The Simpsons? Brad interviews that he's trying to whisper to her so that she doesn't get embarrassed. Frankie stares at Brad, and he smiles. Frankie says that she'll be pissed if Brad kisses someone else, and then hugs Brad, who yells, "Call me old faithful." I actually thought Brad handled that pretty well. Randy interviews that Brad handled it so that Frankie wouldn't feel bad, and managed to defuse the tension.
Frankie gets out of the hot tub and tries to walk into the house, but she's stumbling all over the place. For a second, I forgot that she has cystic fibrosis and I thought she had some other disease that affected her balance. Then I realized that she is just that drunk. Frankie falls down before walking into the house, but manages to make it inside. Back in the hot tub, Brad says something about another round. Frankie is still stumbling around inside, and we get a replay of her speech about starting over. Frankie runs into a few walls and then starts coughing. She crawls into bed and coughs some more.
Later, Jacquese walks in to check on Frankie, and swears. Frankie has puked all over her bed. Did they ever eat any dinner? I'm just wondering, because not to be graphic, but there's not much solid about Frankie's puke. And I know this, because they totally showed a close-up. Jacquese asks Frankie if she's okay, and tries to shake her awake, but Frankie doesn't respond. He leaves to get help, while Frankie pukes on herself some more. Robin and Cameran come in. Robin immediately takes charge of the situation and orders someone to get her a trash can. Robin takes Frankie's pillowcase off and retches a few times. Jacquese tries to get Frankie to roll over, and Robin advises him to make sure that Frankie is on her side in case she pukes again. The two roommates clean up the puke. They are good people.
Brad and Cameran talk in another bedroom. Did Cameran ever go back into the Frankie puke room, or did she just run out and never return? Cameran asks if Frankie ever told Brad about her disease. Brad says that she did, but that she just tossed it out casually in conversation. Cameran interviews that people in the house might not realize how serious Frankie's situation is. Cameran tells Brad that her uncle had cystic fibrosis and died when he was six. She adds that it's a deadly disease. Brad had no idea. Brad never has any idea.
Jacquese and Robin get Frankie outside into a deck chair to get some fresh air. She's looking much better now. And by "much better," I mean "conscious." Jacquese tells her to breathe, and Robin brings her a bottle of water. In a confessional, Robin and Randy talk about how crazy it was that Frankie was so sick. Randy says that no one was sure if Frankie was drunk, or if it was related to her illness, so it was scary. Frankie hangs out on the deck chair. Jacquese asks if Frankie's ever been this drunk before. Frankie laughs and says she has. Jacquese says it sucks, and that he hopes she feels all right in the morning. Something about Jacquese bugs me (besides his name), but it was nice of him to hang out with pukey Frankie.
The morning, Frankie walks back into the house wrapped in a blanket. Jamie asks Cameran if Frankie is okay, and Cameran says that "she got real sick." Randy is shaving! Yay! Frankie walks into the bathroom, and everyone asks if she's okay. In a confessional, Frankie says that she feels stupid for drinking so much.
In the guys' room, Brad asks which dresser is his. Randy says that he figures they should get the dresser closest to their beds, so "[Jacquese] can rock that one." That is so awesome. Rock that dresser, Jacquese. I'm using that from now on. After I rock this recap, I'm going to rock an old episode of Roseanne and then maybe rock some leftover mashed potatoes that I've got chilling in the fridge. Right on. Brad starts unpacking. He takes out a photo of Andrea, and we get a flashback of them saying goodbye. Jacquese interviews that Frankie was all over Brad last night. Jacquese comments that Brad was "big pimping in the hot tub." Seriously. Do people really talk like this now, and I'm that out of touch? I didn't know that anyone without a recording career really talked that way. Jacquese interviews that he's wondering what happened. Jacquese is kind of a Nosy Parker. Although I would be the same way. Brad interviews that Andrea has "a beautiful mind, beautiful body, beautiful everything." Someone get Brad a thesaurus. Although I guess I should be glad he didn't say "slamming" or something. Jacquese grabs a nearby statue and reenacts Frankie and Brad in the hot tub. Brad denies it and Randy giggles. Randy interviews that he's got "the spider sense that Brad's got some unexpected trouble coming his way." The editors splice in quick shots of Jamie and Cameran.
Frankie calls her boyfriend. She is looking really hung over. Frankie tells Dave that she misses him and loves him. He asks if there are cute boys there, and she tells him to stop, and starts reassuring him. Dave says that he got drunk last night, and Frankie says that she did, too. Dave immediately asks if she flirted or made out with some boys. Either he's a jealous asshole, or she has cheated on him a lot and he has reason to be suspicious. Either way, they should break up. That's my expert decision based on watching two seconds of their relationship, anyway. Frankie denies doing anything, but Dave says that she was drunk and wouldn't remember. I've never had a full-on blackout, but in my experience, if you're really drunk, usually the last half-hour or so before you pass out is pretty hazy. And if the timeline we saw is accurate, Frankie's encounter with Brad happened shortly before she passed out. So while I'm usually not a big supporter of the whole "I was drunk and I don't remember" excuse, in this case I do buy it.
Jacquese pumps Frankie for information about what happened last night, since Brad wouldn't tell him anything. Frankie says that she doesn't remember what happened. Frankie interviews that she remembers drinking beer on the porch, and telling Brad that she was glad they bonded, and that she remembers going in the hot tub, but after that things get a little hazy. Jacquese says he thinks Frankie might have done something. Wasn't Jacquese sitting right there? Why does he think something happened? Or is he just a shit-stirrer? Jacquese says that he heard something, and Frankie begs him to tell her. Jacquese says that Frankie and Brad were hugging, and that he thought she said something about kissing another boy in San Diego. Which isn't what she said at all, but whatever. Frankie looks away, upset, and says she doesn't think anything happened. Jacquese says he doesn't know. Frankie hopes nothing happened, because that would be bad.
That night, Robin makes drinks for everyone. It looks like Frankie is sleeping somewhere and Jacquese isn't around. Everyone else is drinking. Brad starts dancing around to make Cameran laugh. Cameran interviews that Brad is everything she always said she didn't want. He's from the North, has a horrible accent, is very loud, and has no manners, but she thinks she's attracted to all of that, for some reason. It's weird how Cameran (and I'm sure some other people from the South) has such regional pride, because I would never describe myself as a Northerner. Because, you know, the Civil War ended, like, a hundred and thirty years ago. I'm over it. Jamie interviews that she thinks Brad and Cameran might hook up.
Robin, Jacquese, and Robin's giant boobs walk inside. Cameran says that they're talking about Brad's huge penis. Cameran interviews that Brad claimed he was "eight inches stacked." What does that even mean? Also, is eight inches really "huge"? A lot of people misunderstood what I said in the recaplet, to the effect that eight inches is not really that impressive. It's certainly above average, but it's not like he's a porn star. If someone is going to brag as much as Brad does, I'm expecting, like, Marky Mark in Boogie Nights, you know? Anyway, Cameran wants Brad to back up his claims with visual aids, and Brad refuses, but he says that they can go call Andrea. Robin is totally baked, by the way. She's got the squinty eyes and she's eating Easy Cheese on a cracker. Brad and Cameran decide to call Andrea. This doesn't seem like a good idea. Brad asks if he woke her up, and some on-screen text lets us know that it's 4:45 AM in San Diego and 6:45 AM in Chicago. If someone called me that early, and it wasn't an emergency, I would tell him or her to fuck off and then hang up. I think I've done that, actually. Brad slurs an apology, and then explains that everyone is arguing about his dick size. Andrea sighs, "Eight inches," so this is clearly a conversation they've had before. Cameran is trying not to crack up and give away her presence. Brad asks what kind of eight inches he has, and Andrea refuses to say any more. Brad says it's thick, and Cameran falls on the floor laughing and crawls away. What kind of boyfriend calls his girlfriend and forces her to talk about his dick size to another woman? An asshole, that's who.
The morning, Brad takes a shower while Cameran puts on her bikini. The two of them go fishing off the pier. Jamie is there too, but she's barely shown on camera, so that you think Brad and Cameran are on a date or something. Brad interviews that Cameran is "sweet and innocent" and "the life of the party." Cameran coos over a dog.
Jacquese and Brad play pool on the outdoor pool table. Jacquese asks how Andrea felt about Brad's going to San Diego. Brad says that she was happy he got on the show, but that it's strenuous on their relationship. Brad asks when Jacquese last had a girlfriend. Jacquese says that he and his last girlfriend broke up three or four months earlier, and that they had been together on and off for five years. That means they started dating when he was fourteen! Jacquese doesn't think relationships should bother you. Brad says that they do anyway, and that it's not a smooth ride. At their age, I kind of agree with Jacquese, though. It's too young to be serious. Are two eighteen-year-olds going to go to couples counseling together? Brad interviews that he has feelings for Andrea he's never had for anyone else. Yes, when he was sixteen he dated someone, but the feelings just weren't that strong. Does he even hear what he's saying? Jacquese interviews that he doesn't think Brad's relationship will work out, because guys have "needs" and "wants." Fuck off, Jacquese. Like women don't have needs and wants? Like guys are animals who can't control themselves for five months? I kind of hate you. Jacquese tells Brad that if his relationship is so stressful, he shouldn't be in it. Why does Jacquese want Brad to be single so badly? One has to wonder.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week wasn't actually on television. Well, it was on my television, but it was a movie I rented called The Warriors. And oh, man, was it awesome. See, it takes place in New York City in the 1970s and all the rival gangs come together for a big meeting. The best part is all the different gangs and their themes. There's one gang that dresses up like mimes. I shit you not. There's another gang that dresses in baseball uniforms and paints their faces like KISS. Another gang is on roller skates and wears overalls. And there's a girl gang called "The Lizzies" because "The Lezzies" was probably too risqué. I guess there's sort of a plot, but it doesn't really matter, because the best part of the movie is just seeing all the different gangs. So Wing Chun and I started making up our own themed gangs. Like what if there was a gang that wore old-timey clothes and rode around on pennyfarthings? Or a gang of nuns wielding rulers? Or what about a gang of stereotypical French men who wore striped shirts, had handlebar moustaches, and used baguettes as a weapon? I knew we should have written them down, because we came up with a lot more, and they were awesome. Wing, do you remember any? ["Rodeo clowns. A girl gang that dresses up like sexy nurses and kills people with needles. And, of course, The Founding Fathers, the awesomest one of all, and Kim's creation. Dude, I can't believe you forgot that one!" -- Wing Chun]
Cameran and Frankie sit on the couch, and Cameran rubs Frankie's head. Frankie interviews that she hates to say that she doesn't remember what happened, but that she really doesn't, and she's not just trying to deny it. Frankie adds that, when she's sober, she doesn't want to kiss Brad, and that she also really loves her boyfriend. The phone rings, and it's for Brad. Frankie hears him yelling something about how he didn't do that with anyone, and that it wasn't even like that. Andrea is on the other end, and she wants to talk about it. Brad is really angry, denying that anything happened other than making out. Frankie can obviously hear part of the conversation. Frankie interviews that she can hear the fight, and wonders if it's about her. Brad tells Andrea that she has pulled some shit too, and hangs up. Yeah, they should break up. Mostly because he's kind of an asshole for turning it around on her and getting all pissed off when he's the one who did something wrong.
Brad comes downstairs and talks to Robin about it. He asks what he should do. Robin asks for the details. Brad says that Andrea thinks that he hooked up with some girl at home when he was drunk. Robin asks if he knows for sure that it's true. Brad realizes that he should have denied it, and asks what to say. Robin points out that he shouldn't yell at Andrea, and that he should just apologize. I'm kind of liking Robin, despite her annoying use of slang. Brad asks if it's grounds for breaking up. Frankie walks back into the room. Robin points out that Brad shouldn't get mad at Andrea for something he did. Frankie interviews that she found out that it had nothing to do with her, and that she was relieved. Robin advises Brad again to apologize and send flowers. She points out that he doesn't want Andrea to go cheat on him to get revenge. Brad considers this. Robin says that he doesn't want Andrea to think he's going to cheat on her in San Diego, but Brad says he's not sure if that's what he wants. Robin interviews that she thinks Brad loves his girlfriend and wants to be faithful and avoid hurting her, but that she doubts he can be faithful.
Brad and Robin continue the conversation out on the deck. Robin says that Andrea might try to "get with one of [his] boys." Is that a normal response to infidelity in Robin's world? That's so high school. She's twenty-three. Robin asks if Andrea is vindictive, and Brad says, "Oh, I'm going to need a definition for 'vindictive.'" On the one hand, I admire that he can admit when he doesn't understand a word. On the other hand, that's just sad. Robin explains what it means, and Brad says that Andrea is vindictive, so maybe they should just take some time off. Cameran asks why they don't. Not that she has a personal interest in it or anything. Cameran interviews that the whole experience is putting questions in Brad's head. Cameran says that Brad "will have to be whacking it the whole time he's here." Robin points out that Brad has had sex with someone for five years, and that this will be the longest he's gone without sex. Brad chuckles and considers that. Robin says something about masturbation, and Cameran pipes up, "I have my vibrator." The Slide Whistle of Sexy Southern Girls tweets. Cameran interviews, "Yes, mother, I have a vibrator and he has seen me through some important times." It kind of bothers me that, if you watch the Chicago Real World You Never Saw DVD, you learn a lot about Aneesa and her vibrator, and how it was a major topic of conversation in the house. I guess because she's not cute and blonde and heterosexual, it didn't make it on the show. ["I have to back up a second here. 'He'? The vibrator is 'he'?" -- Wing Chun]
Brad shows Cameran some photos of his friends and family. Brad interviews that he feels like five months is a long time to go without sex. Wow, what a good reason for breaking up. Can't she visit or something? Brad adds that he loves and cares about Andrea a lot, but that he wants to keep things cool. Brad says that he's debating taking a break in the relationship. He adds that he would be a lot more excited to go out to bars on the weekend if he were single. Yet another good reason to break up. I'm sure Andrea will feel great when she sees this. Cameran interviews that Brad needs to see other fish in the sea. Cameran gives Brad a big speech about how he's wasting his youth.
Frankie lies on her bed and whines that she's so in love with her boyfriend and doesn't think he knows it. Frankie interviews that she's scared something happened, and that she's sorry if it did. Didn't she already establish that nothing happened? Robin advises Frankie to "let it lie for a while," adding that Frankie can tell Dave in five months if she still feels she needs to. Robin points out that Frankie doesn't know what will happen in the five months.
What? There are two new episodes week? That's horseshit. I think I want to go back to 1975, when television shows were on once per week, and always on the same night. And they didn't start two minutes early one week and two minutes late the .
Frankie calls Dave at work. In a confessional, Frankie says she wants to clear things up with Dave. He gets on the phone and immediately asks if it's "been hard for [Frankie] out there, to be true to [him]." Dave kind of sucks. Who talks like that? In a confessional, Frankie says she values their relationship and doesn't want to jeopardize it. Frankie confesses that she might have been flirtatious, but that he shouldn't worry. Dave says he's trying not to be paranoid. Not trying very successfully. Frankie says that he can trust her. Dave says that she's "been trying for a long time," and Frankie is glad that he noticed. That's what made me think she's cheated on him before, which sort of explains his paranoia, but if he's that worried about it, he should break up with her. Because that's no way to live. Frankie interviews that Dave is her soulmate. Ew. Frankie shows Cameran a photo of Dave, and interviews that she's going to be more careful about what she does in the future so that she doesn't hurt Dave.
Frankie whispers to Jamie that she thinks Brad definitely wants Cameran. Jamie Valley Girls, "Oh, fer surrrrrrre, yo." Didn't she get the memo that we aren't adding "yo" to the ends of sentences anymore? Jamie says that they are off on their own a lot. Frankie adds that she doesn't mean this in a derogatory way, but that Brad is "a meathead" and Cameran is "a trophy wife," so they fit together. How can that be taken in a way that isn't derogatory? Jamie totally agrees with this assessment. Frankie interviews that Brad is cracking on the girlfriend issue.
Brad and Cameran flirt over an alarm clock. I don't know. Don't make me explain it. Brad interviews that things are messed up with Andrea, and that the whole thing could crash on him. He doesn't know how to be sure about his relationship when he hasn't ever had another one. If he would just admit that he wants to do Cameran guilt-free, I would have a lot more respect for him.
Frankie and Cameran walk out to the deck. Frankie tells Cameran that everyone knows Brad wants her bad. Cameran pretends to be shocked, and says that Brad has a girlfriend. Frankie says that Brad is totally into her, and Cameran thinks this is interesting.
That night, Brad sits around and thinks. Steam comes out of his ears. He walks inside and calls Andrea and explains that he hasn't hooked up with anybody, but that he feels like he might flirt. Andrea says it sucks, because she doesn't know what he's up to. Brad says that he's trying to be himself, and that he wonders if they can handle a hit like this. Andrea says she doesn't want to be on bad terms. Brad says he didn't expect to say this, but that he wonders if they could love each other as friends. Andrea starts crying and says that she loves him. Brad interviews that it's hard to explain how he feels the same about Andrea, but that they needed space so that he didn't hurt her.
Brad goes outside and tells Randy and Cameran that he feels like he made a good decision. Randy agrees. Cameran says that she had a bad breakup, but as time passed, she realized that she wasn't in love. Brad talks about how he's been locked down since he was seventeen. Randy says that Brad needs to be himself in San Diego, and that if things were meant to be with Andrea, they'll find their way back to each other. Cameran goes to bed. Brad interviews that he thinks Cameran could possibly be attracted to him, and that it'll be interesting to see what happens.
This season on The Real World: Brad makes out with Cameran's nose. Frankie makes out with some guy who sure doesn't look like Dave unless he dyed his hair brown. Cameran wears a trucker hat and kisses Jamie. Randy is in bed with some chick. Their job is working on a sailboat, and there's some sort of boating accident. Their vacation is in Greece. Robin and Jacquese get in a fight. Dave comes to visit Frankie. Randy and Frankie get in a fight. Robin slaps someone and gets arrested. Brad also apparently gets arrested for fighting. Wow, looks "exciting."