Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Deux. A messenger buzzes at the gate and Chris answers. He brings the delivery inside, and Simon quickly discovers that it's travel information. Specifically, information on a backpacking trip. Leah reads the information out loud; they are going on an eight-day backpacking trip through Europe, but they get to choose the specific destinations. Everyone cheers and claps. Chris interviews that this trip will bring everyone in the house closer or tear everyone apart. Well, one or the other.
Ace looks at a map and suggests that they go to the French Riviera, and make sure that they are there for his twenty-fourth birthday. Leah says that they should spend two days in Florence because she heard that Florence was one of the most beautiful places in Italy. ["My sister -- whose name is also Leah -- spent three weeks there this summer and said she thought it was only okay." -- Wing Chun] Leah and Ace check out the map. Leah interviews that she's excited to go to the factory outlets for Prada, Gucci, and Fendi. At least she's going to take in the culture. Christina pipes up something about a hotel in Nice, but she pronounces it like the English word, with a long "i." Leah immediately corrects her. Ace repeats that he wants to be on the French Riviera for his birthday. Christina says that they'll go there, and then head to Rome, Florence, and Chris adds, "Switty." Christina calls it "Switz." Is "Switzerland" so hard to say that they have to abbreviate it? Also, do Mallory, Simon, and Adam have any say in this trip?
The roommates head into the office and discover that Brice is back! Yay! They don't seem that excited about it. Brice announces that their assignment is to cover nightlife. He explains that he and his colleagues knew the roommates' vacation would be in the middle of this assignment, so they made it nightlife since that would be easiest, given that it's the area the roommates are most familiar with. Brice asks who's going to be the point person for nightlife. No one speaks. Christina interviews that she is the point person. Huh? That was a weird cut. Christina adds that it's a struggle to be the point person. Chris interviews that the point person only has to collect the write-ups, format them, and submit them. Or in Chris's case, not submit them. Brice advises the roommates to budget their time. Mallory interviews that she's frustrated that Brice's return (which means that the roommates have to go to the office every day) coincides with a visit from her aunt and cousin.
Outside, Mallory tells Leah that she feels bad because her family made a huge effort to get to France and now she has to blow them off for work. Well, it's called a responsibility or a engagement. I'm sure they will understand. Also, are you working twenty-four hours per day? I'm sure you can squeeze in some time with family. Mallory asks why they have to be in the office every day, at times that take up the whole day. Yeah, it sucks to have a job. Shut up, Mallory. Mallory interviews that they are also going on vacation, which cuts into her family time even more.
“ Brice wants 'a new, fresh outlook' on the city. I hope by 'new' and 'fresh,' Brice meant 'uninformed' and 'semi- literate.' ”
Mallory rides the Metro with her cousin. Mallory interviews that she's trying to budget her time in order to balance being in the office, spending time with family, and getting her reviews done. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I totally don't. Mallory tries to convince her cousin to go to one of the bars she needs to review.
Leah interviews that they've been hired by Frommer's to review sites in Paris for the MTV crowd. She doesn't say exactly that, but you know that's the idea. The roommates go to some clubs. Chris interviews that Brice wants "a new, fresh outlook" on the city. I hope by "new" and "fresh," Brice meant "uninformed" and "semi-literate." Ace writes a review on a napkin. Christina interviews that their deadline has been pushed up four hours because of their vacation, which she finds "exhausting." Yes, those extra four hours make all the difference in the world. Future people who go on this show, let me offer you some advice: Don't complain. You get to live rent-free in a cool city with few responsibilities. Complaining comes off as whiny. On second thought, I would advise you not to go on the show at all, but no one listens to me on that one.
Monique and Alex, the travel coordinators (identified by on-screen text), pass out travel information packets. For the benefit of our radio audience, Chris explains that Monique and Alex are the travel coordinators. Monique goes through the itinerary, which includes Nice, Venice, Florence, Rome, and then skiing in Switzerland. Adam interviews that everyone is excited. Monique works in the product placement by mentioning the Eurail pass and Polaroid photos. Christina interviews that she's excited about the vacation, but that she wants to take care of their assignment first, so she wants everyone to submit his or her work by 10:00 PM.
Christina calls home and talks to Chris. She asks whether she can write about a club that he was planning on reviewing called Sans Sans. Christina says that she doesn't have time to go out and visit another club. Chris sighs and then tells her to take it, and that he'll go out and find another place. I would tell her to fuck right off and find her own damn club. Why does Chris have time to go out and Christina doesn't? In a confessional, Christina says that she's nervous about being the point person. Christina tells Simon that they all need the bonus money, and Simon says that he can't go on the trip if he doesn't get the bonus. Oh, come on. He can go on the trip. He just can't spend as much money as he would like.
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente-Trois. Christina sits at the computer and says that everyone will want to be on the computer tomorrow, and that if her work isn't done tonight, she'll have to go to the office early. Christina tells Ace and Chris that she wishes they had their work done already, so that she could sleep in. Well, that should definitely be their priority. Ace interviews that Christina gets very flustered under pressure. Ace and Chris say that they both had a lot to do. They talk over each other until Christina says that she could have gone out with them instead of staying home and doing her work. Chris says that everyone else wanted to use the computer, so he let them. Christina interviews that the only person who turned in the assignment on time was Mallory. Christina asks why she should have to compromise and only get three hours of sleep. How is she only getting three hours? Assume it's midnight when they are having this conversation. The assignment is due at 2:00 PM the day. Even if she gets up at 9 AM to make sure that everything is done, that's still way more than three hours. Chris says that she's the point person, so she has to compromise. Chris interviews that his experience as point person was worse than Christina's. Chris asks why Christina is making things so difficult. This quickly escalates into a fight, and Chris says that his work would be done if he hadn't given one of his reviews to Christina. Well, you knew that would come up again. Chris walks away and tells Christina that she's being a bitch. Christina looks befuddled, since that fight came out of nowhere.
Chris plays pool alone. In a confessional, Chris still has awesome hair as he says that he thinks he's put in a big effort to make things right with Christina. Sure, he has. By fighting with her and acting like a child. Christina interviews that she gets into stupid fights with Chris all the time. Chris interviews that he stayed up all night to finish his assignment and left it for Christina on the desktop. Christina goes down her checklist and crosses everything off, announcing that they are done. Christina interviews that she doesn't know whether they will get the bonus or not. She doesn't? Didn't she turn everything in on time? I think that footage would have been better placed before she announced that they were done. Chris interviews that he's not going to "play buddy-buddy" with his roommates if they don't treat him well.
Everyone packs for the trip. Simon interviews that he's really excited because he's never been to any of their destinations. Leah interviews that she's looking forward to Italy for "the gelato, and the boys, and the shopping." I guess she gets points for honesty. Adam interviews that he's looking forward to going clubbing and meeting hot Italian women. Ugh. This trip is wasted on these people.
“ Mallory's relatives' visit interferes with Adam's getting to know his roommates, which is the point of their stay. It is? I thought the point was to entertain viewers with fights and sex. ”
The roommates head into the office. Brice arrives. Leah asks whether they get their bonuses. Brice puts her off. He makes a big production out of announcing that they do get their bonuses, and hands out the money. I'm going to assume that the editors made him do that. Adam interviews that they're going to "phat cities, some great sites, cool people, party scene, everything. I'm not tripping." Wuh?
The roommates wait for their train. Mallory complains some more about her relatives being in town. Adam interviews that Mallory is annoying him because her family members' visit interferes with his getting to know his roommates, which is the point of their stay. It is? I thought the point was to entertain viewers with fights and sex. Also, Adam has had plenty of opportunities to hang out with Mallory prior to this trip.
The roommates arrive at the train station and find the correct tracks. Chris looks nervous. In a confessional, Christina says that the vacation has caused more tension in the house. Chris walks off, and Christina asks him what's wrong, so he yells at her to leave him alone. Christina complains to Ace that Chris is being a dick. Leah squawks in mock surprise that Chris would act that way. Shut up, Leah. Go eat some gelato.
The train arrives, and everyone gets on. Leah interviews that it will be wonderful to be out of Paris. Chris doesn't follow his roommates onto the train, but no one notices. Chris interviews that traveling with his roommates will be hell, since living with them is hell. The train starts to leave, but Chris isn't on it.
The roommates finally realize that Chris isn't with them. Ace thinks he's on another car. Simon thinks he didn't get on the train at all. Simon interviews with a straight face that it would be a sad day for the house if Chris missed the train. Then, he smirks. Hee! That cracked me up. Chris is on the phone back at the station. Leah says that if Chris didn't get on the train, he won't be able to get another one until the day, and then decides that he's definitely on a train, but not the same one as the rest of the roommates. How she figured that, I don't know. Leah interviews that she thinks Chris is on another car, "being shady, as always." Mallory continues to go on and on about Chris missing the train, like, is she in love with him or what? Ace interviews that he's kind of worried.
“ Once she gets home, Delta has all these temper tantrums and in one of them she throws the cradle they had bought, which breaks into a thousand pieces, like, Delta Smash! ”
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week, which may also be the most awesome thing I've seen on TV all year. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Maternal Instincts. Delta Burke played a woman who really wanted to have a baby, even though her husband wasn't that into it, and she would say things to her friends like that she thought mothers who worked were immoral. So she was kind of crazy to start out with. And then she was having some sort of surgery to help her have a baby and they found cancer and her husband and her best friend told the doctor to give Delta a complete hysterectomy. Once she gets home, Delta has all these temper tantrums and in one of them she throws the cradle they had bought, which breaks into a thousand pieces, like, Delta Smash! So then Delta confronts the doctor and finds out that it was her husband's decision, and she storms off to their cabin on the lake and while they are fighting, her husband slips on some fish guts, hits his head, and dies. Yes, fish guts. And Delta isn't sad, but just raises her eyebrows, because she's crazy. So then she goes out to lunch and sees a baby and goes into the bathroom and has a temper tantrum. So then she's watching TV and eating ice cream and she sees her doctor on TV, explaining about how she (the doctor) is pregnant and taking progesterone to prevent miscarriage and Delta freaks out and throws her ice cream at the TV. So Delta becomes obsessed with ruining her doctor's life, and she sneaks into the doctor's house and replaces the progesterone with olive oil, which the doctor doesn't notice, somehow. So then Delta gets the receptionist at a biomedical lab fired and starts the crazy-person mainstay: a scrapbook of clippings. So then the doctor almost has a miscarriage because she's been injecting olive oil, and Delta's working at the lab now, so she screws up the doctor's blood sample, and also switches the results on all of the doctor's patients' test results. Then Delta gets a job with her best friend, who discovers what Delta is up to, so Delta tosses her off a building, which no one notices. Then, Delta tries to seduce the doctor's husband, and when it doesn't work, she runs him over with her car and dumps him on the doctor's doorstep. So the doctor takes her husband to the hospital and then gives birth due to the shock, and meanwhile Delta has gone back to her original job of working in the hospital nursery so of course she steals the doctor's baby and the doctor and takes them down to the boiler room. But the most awesome part was when the doctor woke up and Delta was chasing her around with a giant wrench and they fought and the doctor pushed Delta down a flight of stairs. But the sight of Delta Burke in a nurse's uniform running around in a hospital boiler room with a giant wrench was fucking hilarious. So then the doctor and her husband and their baby are all fine, but Delta goes to the loony bin and sits in a padded room singing to a doll which was actually kind of creepy for such a ridiculous movie. But also, awesome.
The roommates arrive in Nice. Ace interviews that it's his birthday, and that he's "as old as the hills." Ace says that this trip is making him realize how much of the world he hasn't seen. I thought he hated the world. Leah is still talking about Chris having missed the train. Christina interviews that when Chris is gone, everyone gets along better. Ace spots the ocean. Or the Mediterranean Sea, which he thinks is an ocean. The roommates get off the train, and Leah wishes Ace a happy birthday. Ace interviews that all he wants is for everyone to get along for one day. Various roommates exclaim that Nice is great. They arrive at their hotel. That's not exactly backpacking, is it? I thought they would be staying in hostels and sharing bathrooms.