Previously on The Real World: This is one of those segments I hate, where they show footage we've never seen before and introduce brand-new "storylines," all the while insisting that it happened on the show previously. So then you're all, "Wait, did I miss an episode?" Or in my case, "Wait, did I forget to recap an episode? And no one noticed? Wow, people must really not read my recaps. I wonder if I'm about to be fired." And I don't need that kind of stress. So the editors could at least have the decency to title the segment, "Tonight on The Real World." Anyway, not at all previously on The Real World, Mallory had terrible fashion sense. Adam loved the ladies, and Ace thought that signified a self-esteem problem.
We start with footage of a fashion show. Cut to the house, where Mallory shows off her backless black loafers. Leah groans and says that those must be the ugliest shoes in Mallory's closet. Christina thinks the ugliest ones are Mallory's boots. Mallory holds one up, and they seriously look like something Gene Simmons would wear in 1978. They are the biggest platform boots ever. And Mallory is already a tall girl, so she must be a giant in them. Which would be kind of awesome. Simon says that the boots need to be thrown out. Mallory responds, "They're shoes! Who the hell pays attention to that?" Simon looks at Leah, shocked. Hee! Mallory agrees to wear some strappy black sandals, but says she's going to wear them with socks. Simon interviews that Mallory is a tomboy. Leah and Christina laugh at Mallory's socks/sandals combo. Mallory interviews that Leah and Christina are very stylish (they are?), whereas Mallory likes to wear baggy sweaters and sweatpants. Mallory threatens to put on her old sneakers if they don't shut up about her shoes. She puts them on with her black pants and sweater. They look awful. But comfortable.
Adam brings home a woman named Stephanie, and introduces her around. Adam interviews that he met her at a club, because he overheard her speaking English to her friend. That's his main criterion for a date now? Speaks English? Wow. Simon is busy getting shoes for Leah, who apparently has, like, a whole closet full of shoes. Which is my dream. Adam shows Stephanie the poolroom. Apparently Stephanie came over to go out with the roommates. Mallory gets Simon's okay on her fashion choices and they all take off.
The roommates hang out at a club. Mallory voice-overs that Adam is attracted to a lot of different types of girls (including the type that are male). Adam interviews that Stephanie "seems a bit standoffish," which he understands, since they just met.
Adam and Simon walk to the train station. Adam complains that he doesn't have any money. Simon offers to spot him some cash. Aw, that was nice! Adam says that his credit cards are maxed out and that he blew €500 in one night. Wow, that's a lot of money. Adam interviews that he likes to have a good time, and "can't half-ass it." Simon tells Adam that he wouldn't spend a lot of money on a woman. In a confessional, Adam says that he wants to make things works with Stephanie which, to Adam, apparently means buying her off. Adam continues to ramble on about how he's overdrawn on his account.
Adam takes Stephanie out again. They dance together, which you think would end the date right there, because Adam looks so ridiculous on the dance floor. At the end of the night, Adam goes in for a kiss and Stephanie pulls back and tells him, "À demain! Until tomorrow!" She gets into a cab. Adam is all confused and just stands in the middle of the street, dumbfounded. Adam voice-overs that Stephanie is taking it slow, which is fine, but that he wants to be treated like a romantic interest, and he wants Stephanie to be unable to keep her hands off him. Ew. But if she's not attracted to him now, she never will be, so he might as well cut his losses. I think Stephanie's just in it for the camera time.
The day, Adam complains to Ace that he didn't get a goodnight kiss. Ace clarifies that Adam did try to get one and was rebuffed. Ace advises Adam to try one more date, their third; if Stephanie won't kiss him, he should hang it up. Adam interviews that Stephanie wants to take it slow, which is difficult. Ace says that Adam shouldn't spend all of that money on a friend, and that Adam should take Ace out, because at least Ace will snuggle with him. I swear to God that happened. I know it sounds like something I would make up for my ongoing "Adam loves Ace" series, but it really happened. Adam giggles like a little girl and rocks back and forth on the bed and tries to pretend snuggling with Ace would be funny and not the fulfillment of his life's dream.
Adam calls Stephanie and invites her to go out with the gang. Stephanie says that she doesn't feel like taking a shower and going out. She doesn't feel like taking a shower? Dude, she doesn't like you. If she liked you, she would be all, "What time and where?" She literally can't go out because she has to wash her hair. That's hilarious. And Adam totally doesn't get it. While Stephanie explains her reasoning, Adam looks all disgusted, like, just tell her to fuck off and move on! It was two dates! It's not like they dated for six months and then she started treating him like this for no reason. In a confessional, Adam once again wears that horrible bowler hat and treats us to a rap commemorating his feelings:
"I'm sick of buying dinner and not getting a kiss
I'm sick of moving in and her dodging my lips [points to his lips]
I'm sick of being fun, wish I was a jerk
'Cause I guess all this nice-guy shit don't work!"
Adam stomps out of the house and voice-overs that he's angry and he doesn't know why. Um, because he was just dismissed on national television?
Ace chases Adam out of the house so they can have another talk. Adam is crying. Crying! Over a girl he went out with twice! Man, for such a self-styled Casanova, he sure is soft. Ace asks what's wrong, and Adam says he wonders why Stephanie wouldn't kiss him. Ace suggests that Stephanie may be playing hard to get. Adam asks why he's even attracted to Stephanie, and Ace says he wonders why Adam is attracted to every girl he meets. Because he's hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love? Ace interviews that Adam might be insecure because he didn't have much luck with women in high school and didn't lose his virginity until he was twenty-one. Ace suggests that Adam was a dork in high school. Hee! Ace says that Adam thinks it makes him more of a man to get every girl he sees. Adam complains that he didn't have a hot girl in high school. Ace says he didn't either. Adam tries to one-up him and say he didn't have a hot girl in college. Didn't he just graduate? So he's saying he's never had a hot girl? The horror! The shame! Ace says he's had good luck in college, but he had a terrible time in high school. Adam interviews that this is the best conversation he's had with Ace. Ace tells Adam that the amount of numbers he gets from girls is kind of ridiculous, and that Adam should lighten up. They walk back into the house, and Ace puts his arm around Adam. Adam giggles.
Ace says that this is the least favorite part of his week, as Simon voice-overs that they have to take French class once per week. Leah greets their instructor, Natalie. Christina interviews that Natalie is great and very understanding. Natalie rattles off some French to Simon. All I can tell you is that it's something they are all going to do. Leah agrees, "Oui!" Natalie asks if Leah knows what was said. Leah just keeps saying, "Oui!" Simon says they are going to a clothing store. Leah asks if they are going shopping, and Simon says that they are. Leah is psyched.
Natalie explains what they should do while shopping, and Ace looks bored out of his skull. Ace interviews that shopping doesn't appeal to him at all. Natalie seems to be saying that the women are going to try on clothes, and then the men have to say, in French, whether they like the outfits in French. Someone asks whether the women will be trying on lingerie, and Natalie says they won't.
They all go into the store, and Adam and Ace try to get Christina to try on really skimpy outfits. She refuses. Ace sits in a chair and asks how to say "bathing suit." ["'Maillot'! I'm a nerd." -- Wing Chun] Mallory is freaked out by a mannequin wearing lace-up leather fetish pants. Leah tries on some shoes and says she's getting them. Simon likes them, too. Natalie says that the shoes are "très jolie." Leah walks around the store in her new shoes, which are beige leather pumps with a lace that criss-crosses around her ankle. Ace says that Leah's shoes are "magnifique," which loses a little something when it's said with a heavy Southern accent. Natalie is pleased that Ace spoke in French.
The women walk out of the store. Christina say that $65 for shoes is not bad. Mallory interviews that Simon, Leah, and Christina ganged up on her and forced her to buy new shoes. I was all set to go on a rant about how they should let Mallory wear what she wants, but then I remembered the tight-rolling intervention of 1992. My friend Molly has a hard time letting go of the past sometimes. So in 1992, she was still tight-rolling her jeans at the bottom. You know, where you would fold your jeans over at the bottom and then roll them up so it almost looked like they were elasticized around your ankles. And it went out of style in about 1990, if not earlier. So one time we were at a shoe store, and my friend The Bottis and I told Molly that we wouldn't let her leave the store until she gave up the tight roll. Molly begged and pleaded with us. "But they look like bell bottoms! I love my tight rolls! And I'm so good at it!" The Bottis and I stood firm. No tight rolls. No more. I thought we won out, but when discussing this incident with Molly, she reminded me that we were at a party later that year and our friend Trent was actually sneaking up to her and undoing her tight rolls. Molly is now ashamed that it got so bad that we had to have an intervention and that people (guys! Straight guys!) were trying to help and she still couldn't see the light. I'm just saying that I have been guilty of trying to help out fashion-impaired friends, so I can't criticize the roommates. ["...this time." -- Wing Chun] At the office, Mallory checks out her new shoes and pronounces them scary. Adam asks why she bought them. Christina makes Mallory put her feet on the table and show off her hiking boots. Mallory interviews that they want her to retire her hiking boots, but that it's not happening.
Ace goes into the hot tub alone. Adam walks out and says he's going out to dinner with Stephanie. Ace asks why. Adam tries to say it's not a date, but Ace isn't buying it. You know all Ace has to say is, "Adam, why don't you hang out in the hot tub with me instead?" and Adam would be all over it. Ace points out that Adam will also pay for the whole thing. Ace interviews that he feels like he needs to look out for Adam, because Stephanie is just using him, and Ace doesn't want to see Adam spend that much money on a girl who doesn't care about him.
Adam takes Stephanie out to dinner at the French equivalent of Ruby Tuesday's. Adam interviews that he doesn't want to waste his time with Stephanie. They continue to eat, and Stephanie claims she could outdrink Adam. Adam interviews that he doesn't know how he feels about Stephanie, but that he enjoys being around her. Adam gets the check and slaps his card down. I would so have waited to see if she even got her wallet out and offered to pay. Or give him cash so that they go Dutch. Adam tells Stephanie that if his roommates ask, she paid. She totally agrees and doesn't think that's weird at all. They take the train back to the house. Stephanie is wearing a fuzzy pink bucket hat that looks like a lampshade. They sit on the train on opposite sides of the aisle, not even looking at each other. Wow, the chemistry between them is...nonexistent. Adam decides to start being goofy. He gets up and starts dancing around the train. People are laughing. Not with him. At him. Stephanie looks mortified. The hell?
Back at the house, Chris's hair has reached new heights. He looks like Leona Helmsley. Leah complains that Adam is bringing Stephanie home when he doesn't get any action. Chris vows to be rude and ask Adam why he's bringing Stephanie there. Leah says, "Don't do that to her. That's so mean!" but she's clearly delighted by the idea. Chris thinks it would be funny. Chris interviews that he doesn't like Stephanie, and Ace and the girls don't like her either. Is Chris lumping Simon in with the girls? Adam and Stephanie arrive home. Chris interviews that he cares about Adam and thinks Stephanie is leading him on. Stephanie walks in and says hello to Chris, who is somewhat cold. Chris interviews that Adam is spending a lot of money on Stephanie. Well, is that Stephanie's fault, really? I mean, it kind of is, but Adam could just refuse to pay anymore.
Stephanie walks into the poolroom to hang out with Ace and Chris while Adam makes a phone call. Chris asks her if she likes Adam. Stephanie says she just likes him as a friend. Chris says that means she likes it when Adam takes her out and spends all of his money on her. Stephanie's smile fades. Ace interviews that Chris is just trying to help, but that it's not the way Ace would have done it. Adam returns. Ace asks where they ate. Stephanie looks pissed. She adds that it was really expensive and that's why she went. Stephanie tells Adam what Chris said. Adam lies that they went Dutch. Chris tells Stephanie not to start a fight, and to remember whose house she is in. Whoa. That's rude. But kind of awesome. Stephanie says she's leaving. Adam doesn't exactly run right after her. Chris apologizes to Adam, who eventually goes after Stephanie.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the new faux-reality show Joe Schmo on Spike TV. If you haven't heard about it, the producers got a group of actors and then one regular guy, and they told the regular guy that he was on a reality show, but really the whole thing is fake. So it's kind of like watching a regular reality show, but they try to make it totally over-the-top, and you think any minute the guy is going to figure it out, but so far he hasn't. They even have the requisite smarmy host who delivers super-cheesy lines, complete with dramatic pauses, and they cast all the reality-show types, like the Virgin and the Asshole and the Old Crusty Guy. There was a lot about it that was awesome, including the immunity challenge where they all had to touch various body parts to a naked porn star and the last person to let go won immunity. So the producers planned to have it be a showdown between the regular guy and the asshole, but then the regular guy let go first, totally ruining their plans, and they showed a shot of the people in the control room gasping, which was awesome. But the greatest part was the elimination ceremony, where they all "voted" for one person to leave. And the contestants all lined up on these bleachers and the host walked in and just stared at them for ten minutes before speaking, just like on The Bachelor. And each contestant had a commemorative plate with his or her face on it. A plate. Awesome. So then the host read off the votes and the schemer was voted out. So she had to serve her plate to the host and then she gave the most ridiculous speech about snakes and rats and cockroaches. And then the host was like, "Ashes and ashes, dust to dust, from the point forward, you are dead to us," and he threw her plate in the fire! Awesome! And she stomped out and the host was trying to give some concluding remarks but you could hear the schemer in the background yelling because she couldn't figure out how to get out of the house. So everyone thought the regular guy had to have figured it out at this point, and one of the contestants went up to his room for damage control, but it turned out the regular guy was just pissed off because the schemer -- with whom he was supposed to have an alliance -- had voted for him. I thought the whole show would be really dumb, but maybe after recapping six seasons of Real World, as well as Love Cruise, Boot Camp, Tough Enough, The Mole, and Joe Millionaire, I just really appreciate spoofs of reality shows.
Adam follows Stephanie outside and tries to convince her to stay. Inside, Chris asks what just happened, and Ace laughs as Chris says it was all his fault. Chris laughs and says Ace brought it up, and then adds that he did Adam a favor, since Adam maxed out his credit card on Stephanie. Chris interviews that he doesn't understand why Adam thinks if he's nice to a girl and spends a lot of money on her, the girl will like him. Well, some girls will, but is that really the kind of girl you want to date?
Adam walks Stephanie to the train. Stephanie says she feels bad. Adam says that his friends can't make her feel that she did something wrong unless she did. Adam interviews that maybe he's not defending Stephanie because, subconsciously, he wants her to be hurt. Adam asks if he's supposed to bitch out his roommates, and that he doesn't want to because he has to live with them. Adam explains how he always tells them how cool Stephanie is, but then she won't kiss him. Stephanie protests that it was one time. Adam says that it's scary for guys to work up the courage to go for a kiss. In a confessional, Adam says that Stephanie doesn't feel the same way about him as he does about her, which sucks, but it's life. Adam tells Stephanie to get on the train and enjoy her time in Paris. He kisses her on the cheek, and she takes off.
Adam comes back to the house. Chris wants Adam to say how mad he is. Adam walks in and says things are over with Stephanie. In a confessional, Adam says that his boys are just looking out for him, and that he's learned that friendship is forever while girls come and go. Adam doesn't want to ruin his friendship with the boys over a girl who "expresses a lukewarm sentiment." Ace asks Adam whether he got a goodbye kiss, and they all laugh. Chris says they'll buy Adam a drink, and Adam says that's good, because he doesn't have any money. He admits that he paid for his and Stephanie's dinners.
Leah and Christina supervise Mallory's outfit. Mallory wears her new shoes, which are very pointy-looking black flats. Leah squeals over how good Mallory looks. They start walking, and Mallory is already complaining about how uncomfortable her shoes are. They walk and walk and walk. They finally arrive at the restaurant.
Eiffel Tower Shot Trente et Un. I was starting to get worried that there wouldn't be any in this episode! "Crazy in Love" plays as the guys dance. Adam finds a lady to dance with. She's all grinding up against him. Ace interviews that they are psyched for Adam. In a confessional, Adam says that he loves women who like him. Hee! They grind some more on the dance floor.
The girls leave their restaurant and debate over whether or not there is a Metro station close by. Christina tells the others that they can take off their shoes as soon as they get off the train. Mallory threatens to take off her shoes, and Christina warns her that she'll need a tetanus shot. Are there rusty nails on the streets of Paris? In a confessional, Mallory says she was told she couldn't leave the store or go out with any of them unless she bought the shoes. Mallory limps through the Metro station and finally takes off one of her shoes. Leah tapdances her way through the station. Mallory puts her shoe back on and taps along. Then they all kick her stupid shoe through the Metro station. I'm not saying the "painful shoes" storyline was interesting, but I do enjoy the less dramatic instances that give you a sense of how the roommates interact when they're not fighting. So I liked it.
time: The roommates are going on vacation! And there's more fighting.