Previously on The Real World: Christina told Chris that his "sorry is getting sorrier and sorrier." Ace had a girlfriend named Kate who lived in Georgia. Ace kissed Mallory. He was worried that the distance would ruin his relationship with Kate. Because what you couldn't see in that shot of Ace and Mallory kissing was the gun that Mallory was holding to Ace's head.
Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Neuf. Christina, Leah, and Mallory lie in bed together while Ace teases them. In a confessional, Ace says that he really needs a visit from his girlfriend because his female roommates are looking hotter and hotter, and even Simon is starting to look good to him. This is accompanied by a shot of shirtless Simon sitting at the computer. Hee! Shirtless Simon is very bony and very pale. Ace suggests to the girls that they all sleep together in the same bed. Leah says that if Ace keeps going, he won't have a girlfriend when he gets home.
Ace talks to Kate on the phone. He thanks her for agreeing to come to Paris on her spring break. Yeah, big sacrifice there. If he were in Afghanistan or something, that would be a sacrifice. But Paris in the springtime? Not really a sacrifice. The camera pans down to Ace's necklace, which is basically a cord with a bunch of bottle caps and aluminum can tags on it. What was that about? Are we supposed to assume that Ace has been drinking a lot? Or are those fuck tags? Do the kids still do the fuck tags? Did anyone ever really cash in a fuck tag or were those just a flirting method? These are the questions that I will never answer. Ace tells Kate that he's going to kiss her for four hours, and she seems amenable to that idea.
Christina interviews that she is nervous that people won't behave properly around Kate, because they all snuggle with Ace a lot and she is worried that it will make Kate uncomfortable. Christina brings this up to Ace, and he assures her that it's fine, because he hasn't kissed any other girls while he's been sober. Oh, so drunkenness is like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card? Mallory interviews that she doesn't think the kiss was a big deal because they were drunk. Ace says he's kissed and dated a lot of girls, but that Kate is the only one he can see marrying. Ace interviews that Kate looks like a Barbie doll, and that she's sweet, and she's really smart because she has a 4.0 at Georgia Tech. Ace adds that he couldn't even get into Georgia Tech if he cleaned the floors. Well, now Kate is never going to live up to my expectations.
Ace picks Kate up at the airport. They hug, but it's not the hug you would expect. Much more friendly than passionate. Ace interviews that it's awkward because they haven't seen each other in six weeks, but that he still has a warm feeling in his heart. Ace and Kate get on the train as Ace claims that he knows his way around Paris better than he does around Atlanta, Georgia. Kate hugs Ace and says she never expected him to go to Paris. She says that her friends wondered who she was visiting in Paris, and she told them Ace was "kind of a boyfriend." Ace interviews that her statement hurt his feelings, because he thought they were more serious than that, and now he doesn't know if they are exclusive or just dating. Didn't they have that phone conversation where they said they were going to be exclusive? Why doesn't he just ask her? I mean, not right now on the train, but at some point he could lay it out.
Mallory tells Simon and Christina that she was supposed to clean Ace's room and that he was going to pay her twenty Euro. But now, for some reason, Mallory has lost the use of her arms and legs and can't do it. At least, that's the explanation I've come up with. Simon explains that Ace can't clean his own room, and that Mallory is busy, so Simon agreed to do it. Mallory tells Simon to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up the clean clothes, and vacuum. Simon jokes that he can't really distinguish between the dirty clothes and the clean clothes since they're all on the floor.
Ace and Kate walk up to the gate. Ace jokes with her, pretending it's not where they live, because it's so nice, but then admits that it is. Simon starts freaking out because he hasn't cleaned Ace's room yet. Ace introduces Kate to his various roommates. Christina interviews that Kate is "100% Southern Belle." Simon tries to straighten up Ace's room (hee! Straight) while Kate meets everyone else. Ace shows Kate his room, and she is impressed.
Ace and Kate eat dinner together. Christina asks if they need ketchup. Ace tells Kate about his recent fight with Christina over her dramatic nature. Christina dramatically recounts how Ace called her dramatic.
Christina interviews that Ace isn't as snuggly with Kate as she thought he would be. Christina grabs her pillows and goes to someone else's bed so that Ace and Kate can have the room to themselves. Kate and Ace get ready for bed. Ace tries to get Kate to sleep in his bed, but she claims that she promised her mom and her grandmother that she wouldn't. I totally respect that, but they could have gotten a hotel room like Simon and Kakistos. Ace tells Kate that there aren't any cameras in the room, and she points to one of them. Ace begs and begs, but Kate turns him down.
The day, Ace and Kate go sightseeing. They snuggle and kiss as they walk around the city. Ace interviews that he's enjoying seeing the city with Kate. Eiffel Tower Shot Trente. Ace and Kate go up on the Eiffel Tower at night, and Ace says it's nice that the first time he's seeing it is with Kate because it was romantic.
Speaking of romance, back at the house, Christina doles out the tequila shots. She and Mallory have some. The roommates head to the train station to go out. Christina is really drunk already and reveals that she's already had three shots. In a confessional, Mallory laughs at how funny Christina is when she gets drunk. Sean Paul plays as Christina dances her non-stripper dance with some guy. Adam interviews that Christina is really drunk and miserable. Christina sits down and puts her head on the table. Ace interviews that he wanted to help Christina, but that he couldn't because she was emotional. Wuh? He couldn't help her because of the emotions? Outside, Christina cries and moans that she feels terrible. Simon and Mallory try to help her. Chris comes out and helps Christina walk to a cab. Once they get home, Chris carries her into the house and tosses her in bed. She's still crying. She's also still wearing her coat and boots. He couldn't take those off? At least he put a blanket on her.
The morning, Chris slices up some fruit and puts it on a plate that he's drizzled with chocolate. It actually looks really nice. Chris interviews that he wants to have a relationship with his roommates, so he's charming them. When he says that last part, we see a shot of Chris slugging down some chocolate right out of the bottle. Charming. Although I would totally do the same thing. Christina comes downstairs as Chris takes a photo of the fruit plate. Oh, it's for Christina's breakfast. No eggs? Christina interviews that Chris was really sweet to take care of her.
Ace and Kate eat at a restaurant. They talk about how Ace is only one hour away from graduating college. Kate assures him that he will finish. Ace interviews that he's scared of growing up and that he'd like to be twenty-one forever. Ace tells Kate that he'll never have a regular job-type job, so he'll need a playmate. Ace interviews that he wants to "work two hours a week, sleep late, play golf all day, and still make money," and he thinks he's "the only person in the world who's figured out that you don't have to work fifty hours a week to enjoy your life." Yeah, the only one. All of us freelance writers just don't count, I guess. Then again, my grandmother didn't buy me a magazine so that I can pay myself to write. Unlike Ace, whose grandmother bought his bars. And also, in my experience most people with regular jobs don't want them; they need them in order to pay their bills. Or send their kids to college. Or eat. You know, little stuff like that. If Ace can work two hours a week and still eke out a living, more power to him. But he shouldn't pretend he's discovered this big secret that no one else knows. Especially if his lifestyle is being subsidized by other people. Kate explains that she has to get a job. Ace doesn't think he has to grow up, but Kate says that he does. Ace interviews that Kate makes him feel bad for the life he has chosen, so she's basically saying she doesn't like who he is. So dump her. There are plenty of other women out there.
Ace asks Adam why anyone would think he was immature, since he woke up at 2:30 PM and sat in the Jacuzzi for an hour. Ace asks why someone would want a husband who works fifty hours a week in a plant. Where does Ace get this fifty-hour figure? I know a lot of people work extra hours, but it is possible to work forty last time I checked. Also, someone who wants to be able to pay rent or a mortgage, feed himself, and buy clothing might want a husband who contributes to the household income. Ace acts like you either goof off all of the time or you work fifty-hour weeks, and there's nothing in between. Adam asks whether Kate told Ace to get a job. Ace says that's basically what she wants. Adam tells Ace to find a girl (or boy) (named Adam) who wants what Ace wants. Ace says that's what he needs. Adam giggles and dreams of himself Ace and running through a meadow together, holding hands.
Ace asks Mallory whether she's going out. Mallory says she is. Ace asks Leah whether she is, also. Leah says she's not, because she feels like she's getting the flu. Mallory laughs at how Ace always wants everyone to be drunk. Kate says that Ace is out of control, and that he used to be an alcoholic. Okay, if he was really an alcoholic, there's no "used to be." Either you are or you aren't, and either you're in recovery, or you're not. I just hate when people throw around the word "alcoholic." Kate says that Ace used to drink every day. Ace says he would drink with his friends, and that it's not like he sat home and drank by himself.
At the club that night, Christina and Chris dance together. In a confessional, Christina says that Chris has made a lot of improvement and tries to see the other person's viewpoint before getting into an argument about it. Ace voice-overs that it's Kate's last night, and that he wants her to have a great time. Ace downs another drink. Ace and Kate get into a cab. Ace voice-overs that he saved $25 because that's usually how much a cab ride home costs. Ace explains that the driver got lost and the ride ended up costing $30. Ace promised to go inside and get the other five Euro, because he didn't have enough cash on him. Ace interviews that the driver didn't seem to understand English and "went crazy on [Ace] out in the street." Ace walks back toward the driver, who is waiting for his money. Kate is standing there, too. Ace tries to give the guy the money, and he won't take it, and keeps saying "five Euro." Ace is nearly crying as he says that there is way more than five Euro there, but the cabbie won't take it, for some reason. Ace gets pissed off and tells the guy to take it. He shoves the guy (and Kate). Ace keeps yelling at the guy to take it. Ace shoves Kate aside so hard that she gasps. The guy apparently has the money now, but he's trying to give it back, and Ace yells at the guy to get in his cab and go. The guy shakes his finger at Ace and kind of pokes Ace in the shoulder. Ace pushes the guy back and asks, "What you want? You want this?" Ace tells the guy to get in his cab and take off. The guy is in kind of a karate stance. I seriously have no idea what's going on here. Why won't the guy take the money? Why is Ace crying?
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was thanks to the Little House on the Prairie marathon on the Hallmark Channel. I actually saw an episode I've never seen before! So that in and of itself was awesome. In this episode, the Ingalls family is coming back from a big trip to Mankato. These three dudes ride up on horseback, and one of them is the Sheriff from Sleepy Eye. They're looking for the last member of the Sioux tribe, a guy named Lame Horse. Which is more like Lame Name, since it doesn't exactly inspire confidence. The Sheriff wants to kills Lame Horse. Also, the Sheriff warns the Ingalls family that a blizzard is coming, and since this was before the days of Triple Doppler radar, he knows it because his foot got frostbitten twice and now it tells him when snow is coming. Pa scoffs at this, because it's way too late in the year for a blizzard. So thing you know, it's a total blizzard and the Ingalls family holes up in a conveniently abandoned house. Pa goes out to chop some wood for the fire, and his horse is like, "Neigh!" and Pa's like, "What's up?" and the horse is like, "Neigh, neigh!" and Pa figures the horse is on crack but we know it means that Lame Horse is nearby. So Pa comes back with the wood and he and Ma have a conversation about how they don't have much food left and things are tense. So the day, Pa goes out hunting and gets a deer but it's still a total blizzard so he falls down in the snow. Meanwhile, the Sheriff (who totally knew there was a blizzard coming but ignored it for some unknown reason) stumbles into the Ingalls's temporary housing, and Ma helps him warm up and feeds him, even though he's totally creepy. So then Lame Horse finds Pa and brings him to the house and the Sheriff makes Ma tie Lame Horse up even though Lame Horse saved Pa's life. That night, while everyone is sleeping, Lame Horse totally uses the fire to burn through his ropes and escape. Awesome! So then the morning, the Sheriff is all pissed off and yells, and Pa gives him this totally anachronistic speech about loving other people despite their racial differences, like, somehow Pa was the Martin Luther King of his day. And then Pa has to go out to the barn to shoot one of the horses so that they have food, and he's all sad about it and the horse is like, "Neigh?" and Pa is like, "Sorry, dude." And then Lame Horse comes back and drops off a deer for the Ingalls family. But the Sheriff sees Lame Horse walking away and totally shoots him but not fatally, and Ma nurses Lame Horse back to health because all he needed was to get his Ingalls on and he's all better. And Pa shames the Sheriff into giving up his bloodthirsty hunt and then the storm stops and they all go home. And the horse was like, "Awesome! I totally lived!"
It's still a standoff between Ace and the cab driver. I still don't understand what this fight is about. Ace insists that he paid the cabbie, and walks off. Kate is kind of laughing but obviously ashamed of her redneck boyfriend. The cab driver walks over and puts the money in Kate's coat pocket and then spits on the ground. Huh?
Inside, Ace is still pissed off. Kate tells him that it was pretty rough. Ace interviews that he's frustrated with the language problems and he just wants to go home. Ace tells Kate that he wants to go back to America. Kate asks if Ace hates it just because a taxi driver was "ugly" to them. Kate says there are plenty of people in America who are jerks. Ace says the difference is that, in America, he could explain the problem. Because there certainly aren't any non-English-speaking cab drivers in America. Except Latka. Ace interviews that he's embarrassed that he showed so much anger in front of Kate. Kate actually lies down in bed with Ace, who is still wearing his baseball cap. So now they get to snuggle? What about her grandma?
The morning, Ace says he hates that Kate's last night included a big fight. Ace erases the chalkboard so that Kate can leave a message to everyone. He tells her to put "It's been real and it's been fun but it hasn't been real fun." Wow, that's hilarious. Ace is like a comedian. Kate tells Ace he's "so bad," and asks what she should put. Ace says she's better than he is at those things. Kate writes, "Bye ya'll!" She's from Georgia, and she doesn't even know how to spell "y'all"? She should be ashamed of herself.
Ace and Kate head to the airport. They kiss and cuddle on the escalator. Kate doesn't seem that into it. She gets on the plane. Ace takes the train home and looks sad. Ace interviews that he misses Kate a lot and wishes he could have crawled in her suitcase and gone home with her, but that he has to stay and "tough it out."
Christina, Leah, and Mallory discuss Ace and Kate's relationship. Christina thinks they are a "good-looking couple." Leah says she really enjoyed Kate. Mallory says that Kate and Ace are "so opposite," and Leah agrees. Mallory thinks it was nice for Ace to have someone there from home. Leah points out that Kate and Ace didn't really touch or show affection to each other. Christina says that they did when they were drinking, and Leah gives her a hilarious look like, "Girl, please."
Ace tells the girls that he didn't get any action while Kate was there. Well, they asked and he answered. It's not like he was bragging or complaining about it. Leah can't believe that he and Kate didn't sleep in the same bed once. Ace says they did the last night. Leah can't believe that Ace didn't get any.
Ace checks his email. He voice-overs that he got an email from Kate saying that she didn't like the side of him she saw on her last night. Ace runs and tells his girlfriend Adam about it. Ace thinks Kate is just looking for reasons to fight. Adam asks why Kate and Ace can't just get together when Ace gets home. Ace tells Adam how Kate described Ace to her friends as her "kind of" boyfriend, and Ace thinks that says a lot. Ace interviews that Kate needs to love him for who he is, and that he can't change for her. Ace tells Adam that Kate gets hit on all the time, so it must be tough for her to be in a long-distance relationship. Adam points out that Ace gets hit on all the time too (by Adam). Adam says that there isn't a girl (or boy) in Paris who doesn't want to "get on board the Ace train." Adam totally loves Ace so very much. It's almost touching.
time: Mallory buys shoes. Adam dates some girl named Stephanie and no one likes her, so he makes up a rap about her.