The South Rises Again

Previously on The Real World: Chris lied about sending flowers to Leah, and Leah was beyond thrilled to have yet another reason to hate Chris. Mallory hooked up with Leah's brother, Pascual, and Ace was a little jealous. Ace was happy to room with Christina because "she wears her heart on her shoulder." Which sounds painful.

Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Quatre. Zippy music plays. Christina tells Chris and Ace that everyone knows everything about her. Ace says that he's her roommate and he really doesn't know much about her, like what kind of guys she likes, or whether she has siblings. Christina says that Ace just doesn't listen. Ace asks Christina to tell him his little sister's name. Christina says he never told her. Christina interviews that she feels bad because they live, work, and party together, but they don't know anything about each other. Chris tells Christina just to admit that she doesn't know Ace's little sister's name. Christina tells him not to instigate and gets her snip on, asking, "What the fuck do you know right now?" Wow, she just went from zero to bitch in four seconds. I'm really distracted by the chalkboard behind Chris's head that reads, "Your welcome." "Your"? Like the welcome belongs to someone? Chris says that he knows Christina doesn't have a clue. She asks what clue he has. Ace pipes up that Chris knows his little sister's name. Christina challenges him and Chris immediately says, "Kathleen." Ace says that's it. Christina is stunned, and Ace admits that he doesn't even have a little sister. Hee! Chris did a great job of lying right there. Why couldn't he have done a better job with the flower issue?

Christina starts throwing stuff at Ace. In a confessional, Chris says that he thinks Ace and Christina like each other, based on the way they act. Ace gooses Christina as he walks out of the kitchen. Christina goes in the fridge and grabs a bottle of ketchup. She chases Ace around the house. He shuts himself in his room. Christina promises to wait for him all night, and squirts a warning shot on his doorknob. Ace comes out and wrestles the bottle away from her. Ace interviews that he flirts with Christina a lot. Ace and Christina wrestle and Ace tells her that she's strong "for a little Asian girl." I would think the stereotype of little Asian girls would be that they all know martial arts and could kick your ass. That would be funny if Christina busted out a roundhouse kick right now. This would be such a different show if the roommates just broke out in kung fu fighting every time they had a disagreement. Hmm. I must pitch that to MTV. Ace and Christina wrestle some more as Ace voice-overs that he might kiss or otherwise hook up with Christina, but that he would never date her. Why not? That's kind of a shitty thing to say. The editors cut to the sex statues, which are two fertility goddess-type carved figures that they always cut to when people are hooking up. Ace calls a truce and tries to get Christina to hug him. He jokes, "You complete me."

Ace and Christina get into bed together. Ace interviews that he can't stand being alone and wants to be around people at all times. Wow, Ace and I could not be more opposite. Christina interviews that Ace is "our little snuggly pooh bear." Ace and Christina hug in bed together and Christina giggles. Ace wants to "kiss real fast," and we hear smacking noises. Christina tells him to stop, in a giggly manner, and threatens to kick him out. Christina interviews that it's hard for her to say no. Ace asks if she's ready for a relationship, and Christina says she's "not even ready to mess around with [him]." Ace says, "What if I went down and kissed your stomach right now?" Christina says no, and Ace says he'd really like to. Ace disappears and Christina sighs, "You are the best roommate I've ever had!" Hee! It was all in the delivery, but that was a hilarious moment.

The roommates, minus Chris, meet at the office. Chris is supposed to be there, and he's missing. Chris is the point person this week, and they wonder who is going to email Brice. Wasn't Chris the point person on their last assignment? Is this the same assignment? And if not, why let irresponsible Chris be the point person two weeks in a row?

Chris is in a coffeehouse, writing in a journal. Chris interviews that their assignment is to review attractions, and he's worried that people won't get their stuff in on time. This is totally the same assignment they showed two weeks ago, when Christina emailed hers in early because their internet connection was down at the house. Back in the office, Simon complains that Chris stole his toothbrush and keeps it in the kitchen. Okay, that is pretty gross, but I would just make him buy me a new one. Christina squeals, "Who uses somebody else's toothbrush?" Leah says that Chris uses Simon's toothbrush while he pees. Cut to a horror movie violin flourish and footage of Chris going into the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth. Hee! Leah relates how she went into the shower and all of her toiletries were already in there, so she told Chris to get his own loofah. Yeah! What? Adam uses the "asking myself questions" rhetorical device that I hate to say that Chris has no respect for other people's belongings, and that talking to him doesn't help. Christina says that Chris is still eating her peanut butter. Damn him! But what about the ham? For the love of God, is the ham okay? Ace says that he'll never miss a meeting because he's afraid that everyone would talk about him.

Back home, Christina yells at Chris and points out that two of her eggs are missing. Do they have the Amber Alert for eggs in France? She had better put out an APB on those eggs. Chris says, "I haven't touched an egg in a minute, girl!" I don't know what that means, but it made me laugh. Chris says that there were four eggs last time he checked. Does he check the egg status often? Chris says that he'll buy more eggs in the morning. Christina says that whoever took them needs to replace them. Chris tells her to start an investigation. Christina asks Simon if she needs to "piss on all her food to mark [her] territory." And Chris is the gross one? Christina yells and yells about her eggs and asks if they hatched and walked away. Chris tells her that there are more eggs in a bowl on the counter, but Christina has gone off the deep end on the egg issue. Chris promises that it wasn't him. In a confessional, Christina shows her one remaining egg, upon which she has drawn a sad face. She has also added a note asking if her eggs hatched and walked to the pond. She notes that she's hungry and grouchy. I might feel worse if we didn't just see that there is a whole bowl of eggs that she could eat sitting on the counter. Also, she needs a hobby because if she's got time to draw faces on eggs and write fake egg ransom notes, she's got too much time on her hands.

Someone off-camera accuses Ace of eating the eggs, and Ace admits that he did. Adam is incredulous that Ace only left one egg. Hobbies. Get some. And not rapping. Ace interviews that Christina is being dramatic. Ace draws happy faces on two lemons and puts them in the egg carton along with a note that reads, "We love Ace more! So we took thier [sic] place." First "Your welcome" and now "thier place"? Poor Brice. Can you imagine editing these people? The day, Christina finds the lemons and laughs. Because if it had been Chris, she'd be pissed. Christina interviews that you can't be mad at Ace "because he's the snuggly boy in the house."

Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Cinq. Christina tells Ace that she's learning that she's not that easygoing. In a confessional, Christina says that being a control freak "can be to your worst." What? This episode was clearly not brought to you by the Literacy Volunteers of America. Ace says that the two eggs cost twenty cents, but that he knew it would piss her off. Christina says that she needs to be the first one to open her groceries, and if someone else does, she gets mad. Two words. Pad. Lock. Christina laughs at herself. Ace interviews that he's never lived with girls before, and maybe all girls aren't like this, but the girls he lives with are so dramatic. No, all girls aren't like that. And neither are all women.

Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Six. Wednesday. Leah, in the office, talks to Brice on the phone. Brice asks how they are doing as a group. Leah rats Chris out for missing the meeting, which isn't what Brice asked. Leah says that she doesn't have any instructions from him, and that he's the point person. Brice wonders whether they asked him for instructions and Leah says that she hasn't, and that no one really talks to Chris. Which is a little more information than Brice asked for. So professional, that Leah. Brice is not your girlfriend, and he doesn't need to hear about your personal problems.

Chris walks down the street alone. He voice-overs that he feels like he's been giving the roommates a lot of respect and they haven't returned it, and he hears them talking behind his back. I don't know that stealing toothbrushes and using all the hot water constitutes respect, but the talking behind his back is kind of shitty.

Chris and Ace mix up some drinks and play pool. Ace interviews that it's midnight and his assignment isn't done, but that he thinks he's born to play instead of work. Hope he has a trust fund, then. Meanwhile, Mallory, Christina, and Simon are at the office. In a confessional, Simon says that Brice has changed the rules so that if one person's assignment is late, then none of them gets paid. Well, none of them gets the bonus. They still get their salary. Christina says she's going to stay and finish her assignment.

Back home, Adam tells the other guys that he doesn't think they're going to get paid. Chris yells that he just wants 450 Euro every Friday. I don't know if that's salary plus bonus, but I sure hope so, because that's a lot of money. Ace interviews that Chris is pretty drunk, which was Ace's plan, because being drunk degrades Chris's pool game. Chris makes some terrible shots. Christina, Mallory, and Simon arrive home. Christina notices some chocolate or cocoa that was spilled on the mantel and she cringes away like it was a decapitated head. Adam tells her that it's just spilled cocoa and Ace promises they'll clean it up. Christina thinks it looks like a skid mark and keeps talking about how gross it is. Mallory doubts that Chris will clean it up, and Ace takes responsibility for the spill and the clean-up. In a confessional, Ace says that Christina needs to let it go, because little things will happen when seven people live together. Mallory and Christina head to bed at 2:55 AM.

It's 4:43 AM. Chris and Ace are still playing pool. Christina tries to sleep. Now it's 6:23 AM. More pool playing. Christina tosses and turns. Now it's 7:30 AM. From Christina's room, you can hear the balls clacking around. Christina interviews that the pool table is right above her room. Ace interviews that it was an important game, because a hundred dollars was riding on it. Christina finally gets out of bed and says that she's going to "beat him with a pool stick." Notice that she said "him" and not "them," so I think she had already decided to yell at Chris and not Ace.

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of True Life called "I'm Getting Divorced." It featured two young women. One woman's parents were getting divorced, which was boring, so if you record it, just skip those sections. The awesome part was the story of Jennifer, who married Jason on Valentine's Day 2003. At first, it seems kind of normal, right? People get married too young and then realize they've made a huge mistake. Your first clue that something is horribly wrong is when Jennifer shows you pictures of their matching tattoos. Then Jennifer says, "I saw that he loved me and I totally overlooked that [the music cuts out] he was an ex-crack addict." Hee! I mean, it's sad that he's a crackhead and all, and I felt bad for, like, a minute, and then I realized that they agreed to have their stories told on national television, and throughout the episode, you can tell that they are totally playing to the cameras, so then I didn't feel bad anymore. But wait. It gets better. A month into their relationship, Jason was arrested and went to jail for five months. Then, a week after he got out, they got married. So they were together for six months before getting married, but five of those, Jason was in jail. So after their marriage, they moved in together, and Jennifer didn't know that the whole time, he was still using crack. She didn't know? Girl, please. So, she moved back home. And Jason called her a lot and Jennifer pretended she hated it, but you could tell by the look on her face that she secretly kind of liked it. But this is the most awesome part. Jennifer says that there are a lot of reasons why she wanted the divorce. She continues, "But the number one reason I was being so pushy about getting my divorce ASAP [pronounced A-SAP] is because I need my freedom. I need my freedom to do what I was put on this earth for, and that is...to rap." AWESOME! Turns out Jennifer (or if you want to call her by her rap name, Slim JG) is recording an album. And she is so completely terrible. She sounds like she's reading her lyrics from a sheet of paper (because she is) and she has no rhythm and...she's just awful. And she has a tattoo that says Slim JG. So Slim JG is sure that she's going to make a ton of money off this album and she doesn't want Jason to get any of it, so they need to get a divorce. Which is about when I started to wonder if Jason was the only crack-smoker in the relationship. And so much more happened, so all I can tell you is that you must catch this episode. You just have to. It is awesome.

It's 7:30 AM and Christina heads up to the pool room. She tells the guys that she's about to lose her mind. Chris starts screaming, "Cry me a river!" and jumping around. Christina points out that her bed is right below where he's slamming his pool cue into the floor. Chris calms down and immediately says that he's sorry. I think he was just so focused on the money he was about to lose that he lost it. Christina asks why he can't be reasonable. Chris says it's actually early. Christina walks into the room and sits down. She starts asking Chris how much he lost on the last game and getting right in his face, trying to distract him while he takes a shot. Ace interviews that he's all for Christina's tactics if it means he'll win the money. Chris starts yelling, "Tina, spare me! Tina, spare me!" She yells right back at him about how he robbed her of sleep. Chris makes a shot and starts whooping and hollering. I really hope he's drunk because he is making no sense. Does he ever? Chris looks over and sees Leah and Mallory on the stairs and immediately apologizes to them for being so loud. He seemed like he genuinely didn't realize how loud he was being. Which is horseshit, but at least he sounded sincere. Leah interviews happily that they are all furious at Chris. She just loves having something else to hate him for. Christina tells Ace and Chris that they are jackasses and that she wants to change rooms. Ace asks why she's yelling at him, because he's just been playing pool and not being loud.

Christina goes down to Mallory, Leah, and Simon's room. Simon giggles and wonders how Ace and Chris could have so much fun just hanging out together and drinking. Christina wonders how she can get back at Ace. Leah interviews that Ace is trying to maintain an image that might not be his true self. Simon points out that Ace is still trying to be the nice guy, but that he was just as guilty as Chris.

Chris says that he can't believe that everyone just jumps to blame him first. Leah interviews that she wants Chris just to pack up his stuff and leave. She has such a look of disgust on her face when she says this. Leah can't believe that Chris is drunk when he's the point person. Maybe his assignment is done. Simon reminds everyone that it's all or nothing this week. Chris interviews that he's on schedule to finish his assignment.

Later that day, Chris says that he feels bad about Mallory, Leah, and Simon. Ace points out that none of them woke up until Christina and Chris started yelling. Chris thinks that he and Ace should just room together since they stay up later than everyone else. Ace tells Chris that he snores and smells a lot. Chris says that he doesn't snore and he doesn't fart. Ever? I don't think that's normal. Ace thinks that Chris is dirty. Chris points out that he showers more than anyone else. Ace says that Chris does "weird bodily stuff." Chris blames all the eggs he eats and then claims that his farts don't smell as bad as Ace's feet do. Ace interviews that he loves Chris but that he doesn't want to be roommates with him.

Ace interviews that he can't stand it when someone is mad at him, because he just wants to be liked. Ace works on his assignment while Christina and Leah sit at the desk in the room. Ace asks if they are talking to him today. How old are you that the silent treatment is still considered an effective means of expressing anger? Grow the fuck up. Christina says she's disappointed. Ace apologizes. Christina says she'll just switch beds with Chris. Christina interviews that she's not switching rooms to punish Ace, but that she's trying to be practical. Yeah, right. It's totally a punishment. Ace says that yelling doesn't solve anything and that she should have asked nicely. Christina thinks she did, but Ace disagrees. Ace interviews that his mom's family yells a lot, so he hates it. Ace tells Christina that she can't bitch and yell about everything. Christina says that the majority of the roommates were sleeping and that it's about "a mutual respect." Ace mumbles and goes back to his work. Christina keeps talking and Ace yells, "You're the most dramatic person I've ever met in all of my life. I've never met anyone as dramatic as you. I mean, you've been in fights with everyone in the house and you think it's just..." Christina knows she's dramatic. Ace thinks that's pretty bad. Christina interviews that Ace said those things to hurt her, and it bothers her. Christina moves her stuff into her new room. The Angry Guitar Riffs of Ace's True Feelings Coming Out play as Ace and Christina ponder their argument.

time: It looks like the assignments don't get in on time. Also, I am in love with the song "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne.