Previously on The Real World: Leah bleated at Chris. Mallory noted that it's easy for Leah to backstab people. Mallory claimed she didn't remember kissing Ace while she was drunk. Ace thought Mallory was lying about not remembering. Leah realized Mallory had a crush on her man, Ace.
Mallory and Christina on the train. Mallory says that she hates walking on eggshells around Leah. In a confessional, Christina says that Leah is mad at Mallory. Mallory interviews that Leah is "quick-tempered" and doesn't understand her. Christina advises Mallory just to live her life because she can't control Leah's actions. Good advice. Mallory says she can't "tiptoe around people who are emotional." Nor should she. I mean, she shouldn't go out of her way to piss Leah off, but if Leah is overreacting, Mallory shouldn't cater to her.
Mallory and Christina are at the office. Mallory is asking Christina for writing advice, which doesn't seem like the best idea, since Christina hasn't gotten the highest marks for her assignments. Back home, Simon and Leah are cleaning up. In a confessional, Leah says that her brother Pascual is coming to visit, and that she's excited. Leah vacuums furiously.
Mallory and Christina prepare to leave the office, but somehow manage to lock themselves inside. At the house, the phone rings. Simon answers. Mallory tells him that they are locked in the office. Simon repeats it for Leah's benefit, and Leah laughs so loudly that my eardrums puncture. Ouch. Thank God for closed captioning. Mallory tells Leah that it's not funny. Leah thinks Mallory might just be doing it to get out of cleaning. Mallory continues to complain about being locked in, and then Christina walks in and says she figured out how to get out. Mallory tells Simon they're on their way home and hangs up.
Simon tells Ace and Adam how Mallory got locked in the office. Suddenly, it's all Mallory's fault. Leah bitches that Mallory is lazy and "a little dirty." I don't know what that has to do with getting locked in. Ace tries to make the excuse that Mallory is only nineteen, and Leah squeals that Simon is only eighteen. Ace backpedals and tries to say that Simon has always lived at home, where his mom makes him clean up, whereas Mallory has been on her own and thus adopted slovenly habits. I'd think it would be the other way around -- that Simon would be sloppy because he had his mom to pick up after him, whereas Mallory would have learned to be responsible for herself. Nice try, Ace. Ace interviews that Leah is only gung-ho about cleaning because her brother is coming. Leah pushes Ace out the door, and he promises to clean when he gets home. Ace interviews that he cleaned up the kitchen by himself a day earlier, so he doesn't feel guilty about going out. I wonder about the other housemates, though. Did Chris clean up? Adam? Or are they expected to be sloppy because they are dudes?
Mallory and Christina arrive home. I really hate Mallory's red puffy coat. My mom had that same coat in powder blue in about 1977. And it was ugly then. Mallory and Christina don't want to go into the house, because they know they are in trouble, and they forgot that they were supposed to clean. Leah and Simon do dishes. Mallory walks in and asks when Pascual is arriving. Leah answers and then, in a really patronizing manner, asks Mallory if she could avoid leaving her apple core in the candy dish. Okay, that's kind of gross, but I would just make Mallory clean it up instead of doing it and then bitching at her about it. Mallory interviews that she wishes Leah would pull her aside to say these things instead of saying them in front of everyone.
Mallory gets a drink of water and mixes some medicine in it with a spoon. Leah interviews that it's difficult to be around Mallory, because everything Mallory does annoys her. Leah bitches to Christina that she spent all day cleaning up Mallory's medicine glasses, and that Mallory has never vacuumed, nor cleaned the bathroom. Christina says simply that Leah should tell Mallory right now. Leah refuses, because she thinks she would slap Mallory right now.
Leah and Mallory lie in bed and stare at each other. Simon interviews that it's difficult being between them at times. Leah says that she "must have picked up sixteen glasses with spoons and that, like, Alka-Seltzer-type medicine today." Mallory protests that she's been using one glass and spoon and washed it out every time. That's quite a discrepancy. I have to believe that if Leah were telling the truth, the camerapeople would have a shot of all the empty glasses. They certainly had enough shots of Leah cleaning. Mallory interviews that she's feeling attacked by Leah right now. Leah says she needs to take a shower and asks Mallory if she'd clean the bathroom. Mallory says she'll do it. Then Leah ruins it by going, "Really?' in a very bitchy way. I think Leah doesn't want Mallory to clean. She wants everyone to notice that Mallory doesn't clean so that Leah can look better by comparison.
The boys (minus Simon) hang out in the kitchen. Ace says he can't believe Leah and Mallory are fighting. Adam is surprised too, but really interested, because he is a total gossip hound. And I respect that a little. Ace tries to be fair and says that he really hasn't seen Mallory clean up much. Adam starts going off on how Mallory is "disrespectful." Ace keeps trying to play the "Mallory is young" card. Adam doesn't think that's valid. In a confessional, Adam says it's weird because he knows that Ace likes Mallory, but Ace won't talk about it.
Leah returns to the house with Pascual. Leah interviews that Pascual is her favorite person in the world. Leah takes Pascual around and introduces him to her roommates. Pascual is kind of cute, but very young. Ace interviews that he thinks Pascual is "like a little Ace that is a little taller and dresses better." Hee! Ace is funny this week. In a confessional, Leah says that everyone will love Pascual. Simon interviews that Mallory thinks Pascual is cute. Mallory and Pascual stare at each other (or so the editing would have you believe). Ace notices.
Mallory talks to her friend Jenna on the phone. Mallory says that Pascual is really dreamy. Jenna wonders how a sophomore in high school can be that mature. Whoa. He's a sophomore in high school? So he's, like, fifteen? Or maybe sixteen if he has a super-early birthday. Still. Mallory's nineteen. And while it's only three years, that's a huge difference. Mallory interviews that she's "very attracted to Pascual," but that it's difficult because she doesn't know what she wants. Mallory tells Jenna that Leah would "have [her] head" if she hurt Pascual in any way. How long is Pascual going to be in Paris, exactly? I'm sure Pascual would be psyched to hook up with an older woman that he will probably never see again. What a story to tell his friends. And maybe Leah should let him make that decision on his own.
Leah and Pascual are going out sightseeing. Christina thinks that sounds great. Chris says he's going out too, and says he'll ride with them. Chris parabolas that he thinks things are going better with Leah. Leah says they're leaving right now, but Chris isn't ready. Leah says she'll meet him at the Metro, and leaves with Pascual. Some time later, Chris leaves too. But Leah and Pascual are already on the train. Pascual points out that they didn't wait for Chris, and Leah gives a sarcastic "Awwww," like she's really disappointed that they forgot. Pascual comments that they are really mean to Chris. And they are! Maybe he deserves it, but I wish they would show the footage where he's a big jerk, because I'm just not seeing it. Annoying? Perhaps. But I don't see where he's been so terrible that he deserves to be such an outcast. Maybe that will come later in the season. Leah interviews that Pascual is "a good soul," and then employs my Least Favorite Rhetorical Device by asking herself questions and then answering them: "Do I want to be like that? Yeah. Am I? Unfortunately not." God, I hate that. Just say, "I wish I were more like him, but I'm not." Done.
Leah and Pascual go sightseeing and shopping. Leah voice-overs that she feels lucky to share this experience with her brother. Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Trois. Leah hugs Pascual. It's nice that they are so close, but it's a little creepy. Maybe I just think so because my brother and I aren't that close. I don't know.
Back home, the roommates prepare to go out. Chris asks Christina whether he needs a haircut. Christina says, "Yeah, you needed a haircut back in the '80s." Hee! Go, Christina! Mallory interviews that it's Pascual's last night and they want to show him a good time. Christina prepares drinks and Mallory makes sure there is enough liquor in hers. Basically, Mallory wants straight vodka with a drop of mixer. Wow, she's kind of an alcoholic. Christina interviews that Mallory can hold her liquor like a sailor. Ace interviews that he doesn't know if Mallory likes him or not. Leah asks "Hot Pants" (a.k.a. Ace) if he's going out. Ace says he hurt his knee, and that he wants to hang out alone. Leah tells him to enjoy his night. Everyone leaves except Ace.
At a bar, everyone dances. And drinks. And dances. Mallory interviews that alcohol makes you "a little more provocative" and "friendly." Mallory and Pascual grind together on the dance floor. Back home, the phone rings and Ace answers. It's Mallory's mom, Elyse. Ace is very sweet to her on the phone. Elyse asks whether Mallory and Simon are feeling better. Cut to Mallory and Simon, kissing each other in the club. Hee! Some forum dwellers were confused by this kiss, since Simon is gay and all, but I think he and Mallory were just curious and decided to kiss, and that it's no more than that. Much like Danny and Kelley in New Orleans. Mallory tells Simon that he's a beautiful kisser. Simon returns the compliment. Meanwhile, Ace is telling Elyse how beautiful Mallory is, and they hang up. Aw. Ace is a sweetie.
Mallory and Pascual are still dancing and snuggling in the club. Mallory interviews that she's attracted to Pascual, but that it's affected by the fact that he's Leah's brother. Yeah, and? Christina also flirts with Pascual, which is even grosser because she's almost ten years older than he is. Almost ten! Okay, more like seven. But that's almost ten! Mallory grabs Christina and tells her not to flirt with Pascual. Catfight! Christina tells Mallory that she's got Ace so she should shut up. I think Simon is dancing in the foreground and I keep seeing his hairy belly. Also? Not a very good dancer. Mallory looks confused by Christina's comeback but doesn't seem all that pissed, and Christina goes back to nuzzling Pascual. Christina interviews that Mallory is "a little jealous." Or a little grossed out, oldie. Christina tells Leah what Mallory did.
Back home, Leah pouts and stomps around the house. She asks Christina what happened to Pascual. Christina says that he's in the guest room. Leah interviews (with an eye roll that made me want to slap her) that Mallory has a crush on Pascual, and Leah doesn't like it. Leah asks whether her brother is okay and Christina says "he's not traumatized by the seduction of Miss Mallory." I'm sure he's not traumatized. Leah interviews that she doesn't think Mallory is aware that her brother's feelings are at stake, and Leah doesn't want her brother to be sad because Mallory is flighty. Does she really believe that Pascual expects to have a long-term relationship with Mallory, who will be in Paris for another few months and then presumably back in Illinois? I'm sure Pascual understands the ramifications of a one-night stand. Christina asks Leah why she's pissed. Leah says she's just bitter. Well, that's certainly true. Christina interviews that she doesn't like to be in the middle, so she just backs off. Christina reports to Mallory that Leah is in a terrible mood. Mallory interviews that she doesn't want conflict, and that she wants to confront Leah but she can't. Why can't she? Because Leah will get mad? She's already mad. Whatever.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was definitely the multiple episodes of Battle of the Network Stars that were on Trio. But the best one was the first episode, from 1976. First of all, because it was the first one, it was totally unpolished and even more ridiculous. Howard Cosell was the announcer, and during the relay race, he kept saying that people "breasted the tape" at the end, which was kind of awkward when the winner was a woman. Although, according to Cosell, none of the female participants were women. They were all "girls." And speaking of girls, there was this horrific interview with Farrah Fawcett-Majors where she talked about how she loved being married to Lee Majors and she hurried home from filming Charlie's Angels every day so that she could make him dinner and then she actually said, "It's something I need to do as a female or a wife" and then Howard said, "I know Lee and he is a male and he likes to dominate," like, how does Howard know that? And then during the swimming competition, the bathing suits were totally see-through and I think I saw Ma Ingalls's nipples, which was fucking creepy, and then I saw everything Tim Matheson has to offer, which was quite a bit, frankly. And when they introduced all of the contestants, I had heard of most of the people except for the people on NBC's team. I had never heard of the people or the shows they came from, which makes me think that NBC's 1976 line-up was pretty fucking lame. And the most awesome part was when Bob Conrad's team was penalized during the relay race and he totally had a meltdown and started yelling, "Like hell! Like hell! Like hell!" and puffing away on a cigarette and finally he had a tie-breaker race with Gabe Kaplan to decide it and Gabe Kaplan actually won! You go, Mr. Kotter! God, there were so many more awesome things, but I will conclude by telling you that they had characters from the ABC special Return to Oz demonstrate the obstacle course, so the Cowardly Lion belly-crawled under the net and then the Tin Man ran through the tires and then the Scarecrow did the monkey bars and the music playing during this demonstration was "The Hustle." I swear to God. And that's just one episode. They showed five this week! And there's a marathon on Sunday, which you should totally watch if you are a fan of awesome television, as I am.
Pascual bed-heads his way into Leah's room and wakes her up. So did he sleep with Mallory or what? Where were the night-vision cameras and shit? Leah gets up and tries to call a cab but she keeps getting denied by the phone service and transferred around and being all dramatic about it, like, maybe you should have set an alarm clock if you were so worried, but she finally gets someone to send out a taxi. Leah and Pascual hurry outside. Leah interviews that it's difficult to say goodbye to Pascual because she misses him so much. The cab arrives and Leah and Pascual get in.
Mallory and Simon lie in bed and talk. Ace walks in and says that they both snore. Simon says something about how they look better than they think and Ace says that he thinks Mallory looks beautiful. Ace says that natural beauties look best in the morning with no makeup. God, marry him! Ace interviews that Mallory has moments where she looks so beautiful that his heart stops. Wow, he really loves her! Who knew?
Chris and Adam gossip about Ace's crush on Mallory. Chris says that Ace wanted him to find out the deal on Mallory and Pascual's hookup. Adam says that Ace has "mentioned the word 'love'" in relation to Mallory. Adam is way too excited to talk about Ace and love. Adam interviews that he thinks Ace is going to get himself in trouble. Chris thinks Ace likes Mallory because she's "the big V" and "untainted." That sounds really gross, but it cracks me up the way Chris says it.
Mallory, Christina, and Ace hang out in the living room. Christina wants to talk about how Mallory practically beat her up over Pascual, but Mallory says it's too embarrassing to discuss. Ace really wants to know. Ace interviews, "I see Mallory and Pascual being a really good couple. She could probably go to prom this year." Hee! I am loving Ace in this episode.
Mallory interviews that she's been ignoring Leah. Leah interviews that Mallory is nice and looks nice, but sometimes it seems like that's all there is to her. Mallory talks to Elyse on the phone. Mallory complains about the tension in the situation. Mallory interviews that she likes to think things over before confronting someone. Elyse says it's okay to be confrontational, but that she tries to consider the other person's viewpoint before confronting them. Mallory seems to like that advice.
Mallory and Leah take the train. Mallory interviews that in order to have a strong relationship with Leah, she has to be honest. Leah asks what she needs to do to be easier to live with. Get a personality transplant? Mallory says that Leah's dirty looks hurt her feelings, and make Mallory avoid Leah. Leah interviews that it's upsetting to hear this. Leah says she knows that she needs to change. In a confessional, Leah says she feels like a bully. Well, she is. Leah says she knows she gives dirty looks, and that she doesn't even realize it. Mallory asks if she can pull Leah aside to discuss it when it happens. Leah says she can. Mallory brings up the apple core thing, and says that it really upset her. Leah and Mallory agree that they need to communicate better. Leah interviews that she always thought kindness was important, but that she hasn't been showing it to her roommates. Mallory interviews that she might have more problems with Leah, but she hopes that now they can talk about them. Mallory and Leah hug and say how happy they are that they discussed it.
time: Christina and Ace snuggle in bed. No one likes Chris, and he yells some more. Ace tells Christina that she's dramatic, and she says she wants to change rooms.