The Trials of Chris

Previously on The Real World: Christina wanted to change rooms and Ace accused her of being overly dramatic. An overly dramatic person on a reality show? I don't believe it! Leah couldn't believe Chris was drunk the night before their assignments were due, especially since he was the point person. Simon reminded everyone that this time, it's all or nothing with their assignments, so if one person is late, none of them gets the bonus.

Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Sept. It's morning in the house. Chris is still sleeping. Everyone else is up. Leah sits in front of the computer, looking exhausted as Adam rubs her back. He has that effect on everyone, Leah. It's 12:09 PM and their assignments are due at 6:00 PM. Thanks, Helpful Funky Font of Captioning! Adam says that they've finished their work. Leah asks whether he has two tips and two finds, and Adam says that he does. I assume that Leah does too, since she asked, and this will be important later on. Leah asks when "this whole 'all or nothing'" went into effect. Adam says it was last week, and that they might have to roll Chris out of bed at 3:30 PM to make sure he gets everything in. Chris? Still sleeping. Hey, he sleeps in the same position as I do! On his back with his arms up over his head. Adam interviews that he's nervous about Chris getting the assignments in on time.

Simon leaves the house as he voice-overs that their assignment is to review attractions around Paris. In a confessional, Simon says that Brice wants all of their assignments handed in together, and that Chris is the point person. Really? I totally thought that Ace was the point person. Especially after that last scene where they mentioned about ten times that it was Chris. Simon adds that it's "pathetic" and that no one has confidence that Chris will get it done. It's now 1:17 PM. I'm going to refrain from telling you how much time is left until the deadline because, unlike the editors, I will assume you can do the math. Simon hangs out at the office, typing.

Christina tells Adam that she wants to swap rooms with Chris. Adam asks why, and Christina says that the pool table is right above her bed. If it's only been a problem once up until now, why does she assume that it will continue to be a problem? Adam interviews that he's cool with having Christina as a roommate, and in fact, he welcomes it, but that he doesn't want Chris to get pissed off. Christina further justifies her change by saying that Chris would have his own bathroom, shared with Ace, so the other roommates wouldn't get pissed off about Chris's messy bathroom habits. Adam agrees. Christina asks whether it's too drastic, and Adam says it sounds great.

At 3:24 PM, Chris rises out of bed like Frankenstein. You know how Frankenstein always just suddenly sits straight up? That's how Chris wakes up. He kind of looks like Frankenstein, now that I think about it. Frankenstein with a fright wig. Chris voice-overs that he should be at the office, but he forgot and he's irresponsible. Chris has a little bit of CJP syndrome where he thinks that if he admits his own mistakes and faults, somehow that erases them. Christina interviews that Chris isn't making anything better for the group or for himself with his attitude, and that she gets so frustrated that she can't even talk to him anymore. Chris stumbles downstairs and finds Christina working on the computer. He asks if she'll be on a while, and she says she will. I have to assume that it would take him at least half an hour to get into the office, so while he should have gotten up earlier (or done his assignment earlier), at this point I don't blame him for staying home. Christina squeals that Chris has dug himself so deep that "he could become miracle-boy tomorrow and everyone would still dislike him." Chris picks some things up from the desk and, in the process, knocks something onto the floor. Christina asks whether he's going to pick it up. Chris was completely unaware (or at least claims to be completely unaware) that he dropped something. He asks what it was, and Christina drama queens, "I don't know. You dropped it." Twice. So Chris babies right back, "I'm going to leave it right there where it is." In a confessional, Chris says that it's so easy to get Christina riled up because she overreacts about everything.

Ace apologizes to Leah for being "a little loud." He deflects blame by saying that it didn't really get loud until Chris and Christina started fighting. Because he's Ace and he's a good boy and he never does anything wrong. Ace interviews that his feelings are hurt that Christina wants to move out of his room. Leah tells Ace that Christina's decision has nothing to do with him. Ace interviews that he can be inconsiderate at times. Ace says he doesn't want to be the "first roommate in history to have someone move out on [him]." I seem to remember a lot of room switching in the Hawaii season, but that was mostly because Amaya was trying to hook up with Colin. Leah offers to pick a fight with Simon so that he moves out, just to make Ace feel better. Leah interviews that she's not surprised by Ace's reaction. Leah hops on top of Ace and kisses him all over his face in an attempt to cheer him up. Ace seems kind of uncomfortable, but like he doesn't want to embarrass Leah by shoving her off. Leah keeps kissing Ace, who thanks her for being so sweet.

Christina calls Adam into her room and says that she knows she's being dramatic, but she doesn't think she's being unreasonable. Christina interviews that she's "an extremely passionate person." Adam does Kim's Least Favorite Rhetorical Device of asking himself questions and then answering them. God, I really hate that and I think it's the second time Adam has done it this season. He's on the list. Again. Still. Christina interviews that she doesn't think Ace's comments to her about being dramatic and picking fights have anything to do with Ace and Chris being drunk and loud. Adam thinks that Ace was just saying whatever he could to hurt her. Christina says he did a good job.

It's 4:47 PM. Leah and Christina leave the house. Leah interviews that she's leaving the house because she's handed everything in, and Chris has assured her that they have ten tips, ten finds, and everyone's work is in. Also, she has assured herself that the chances of Chris screwing up are greater if she's not there, and then she gets to come home and yell at him. Not that I'm blaming Leah for Chris's screw-ups, but she does get a little too gleeful at the thought of castigating him once again. Leah and Christina run into Simon on the road and Leah and Simon do the weirdest dance ever while walking towards each other. Christina interviews that their work is done, and that she and Leah are "the two biggest stress cases in the house," so hanging around is counterproductive. Simon asks whether the work has been sent in yet. Leah says it hasn't. Simon asks whether it's done. Leah says it isn't. Simon asks if it's nearly done, and Leah doesn't know. Leah is way too happy to report on the shortcomings of others. She was so the tattletale in elementary school. Also? The teacher totally left her in charge of the room while taking smoke breaks. And she totally told the teacher that Scott P. got up to sharpen his pencil even thought the teacher told everyone to stay in his or her seat. Simon interviews that he's frustrated because his work is done but the bonus is out of his control.

5:23 PM. Simon walks inside and asks Chris how he's doing. Chris says that they are short on tips and finds. Simon interviews that "tips and finds are just extra pieces of information" meant to make the reviews more informative. Adam asks Chris to let them know if they need more, and Chris yells that they do. Adam asks how many, and Chris says that they need five of each. But he kind of sounds like he's pulling that number out of thin air. So we know that Leah and Adam both did two of each. So that means one other person did one of each, and no one else did them? Very confusing. Everyone is shocked. Chris says that they have eight tips and three finds. Okay, so they need two tips and seven finds. Not five of each. Am I crazy? Simon asks how they can only have three finds when he handed in two. Chris yells that he doesn't have them. Adam yells that he also did two. So that's four. And Chris says he only has three. Am I missing something? I don't know. Simon says that he emailed them, and Chris says he doesn't have them. Mallory, Adam, and Simon all look pissed off. Simon interviews that in order to get paid, they need ten of each.

It's 5:45 PM and suddenly, all they need is four finds. Like if they're going to make such a big deal about this, they could at least let us know what exactly happened. I mean, obviously, Chris is ultimately responsible for making sure all of the assignments are complete, but I would like to know who handed in an incomplete assignment. Mallory dictates a find to Simon, who writes it down. Adam and Simon count up that they have nine. Chris continues to type his assignment into the computer. Simon hands Chris three more finds at 5:51 PM. Chris interviews that everyone gave him stuff on Post-Its. Okay, I saw some of those tips and finds on the computer screen, and most of them were like one sentence. It would take about two minutes, tops, to type them in, Chris. Also, he is upset that no one is letting him type in his own paper, and that they hogged the computer all day. God, he sounds just like some of my students explaining why their projects are late. And I always tell them, "That's not my problem. That's your problem." At 5:58 PM, Mallory, Adam, and Simon are still conferring about possible tips and finds. Simon interviews that he's done his work, so he wants to get paid, but that the power has been given to the person he hates most.

There are ninety seconds left until the assignment is due. Ace and Adam watch as Chris prepares to send the email. Chris clicks "send" at 5:59 PM. Adam asks to make sure it got sent, and Chris assures him that it did. Ace interviews that it looks like they got it in on time, so he's expecting a bonus. Don't get me started on the bonus. Simon interviews that Chris said it was done, so it should be all good. Chris interviews that he sent in an incomplete assignment. The horror! They won't get their bonus for doing about two hours of work this week! I feel so bad for them. I guess they'll have to apply for the French equivalent of food stamps.

Christina and Leah get off the train and head home. Christina mentions that Ace broke a pool stick over his knee. Christina starts bitching again about the drunken pool-playing. Man, I would want to tell her to cram it. If she's so upset, and wants to move rooms, then just move rooms, but going around telling her sob story to everyone looking for validation is quite annoying. Christina complains again about Ace labeling her the most dramatic person in the house. Actually, I believe he said she was the most dramatic person he's ever met. Which is kind of worse. Leah says that Ace felt really bad that Christina was moving out. Christina responds, "Cry me a river. Cry me a Mississippi River." Yeah, that was one of those things that might have sounded good in your head, but saying it out loud sounds dumb. Also, for someone who hates Chris so much, Christina quickly adopted one of his favorite sayings. Christina thanks Leah for listening, and Leah doesn't respond.

The two women enter the house. Leah asks Chris whether the assignment got in on time, and Chris says that it did. Leah is really disappointed that she doesn't get to yell at Chris. Leah interviews that she knew there was no way the assignment got in on time. So why even ask him? God, she bugs me.

Chris is in the hot tub alone. In a confessional, Chris says that he did his best, and now he doesn't know what to tell his roommates. He claims that he tries to give it to his roommates straight. I don't know what universe Chris lives in, but it's obviously one where giving it to them straight means bald-faced lying. That's an interesting universe to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Kind of like Vegas.

Leah immediately runs in to tattle by calling Brice. She asks whether their work got in on time, and Brice says that it did. A normal person would just hang up then, right? Not Leah. She starts to tell Brice about Chris and Ace's drunken pool-playing. Brice really needs to adopt my "That's not my problem, that's your problem" approach to management. Because Chris and Ace's drunken pool-playing? So not Brice's problem. And Leah's naked desire to get Ace and Chris in trouble? Also not Brice's problem. If the work isn't handed in on time, that's Brice's problem. Everything else is not. Leah tries to start a discussion on the unfairness of the all-or-nothing approach. Chris, in the hot tub, voice-overs that everyone tried to blame everything on him because he's the point person. Isn't that the definition of point person? The one who takes the blame if things go wrong? The one who tries to prevent things from going wrong in the first place through delegation and leadership? Then again, maybe in Chris's Vegas universe, "point person" means "lackey." In a confessional, Chris claims that he tried to tell everyone that they didn't give him enough notice and that he tried. Except he never told that to anyone. Brice tells Leah that there were only five finds in the piece. Leah is psyched to have something to be pissed off about, but disguises it as shock and dismay. Brice tells Leah that they need to discuss these things in their meetings. Leah blames it on Chris. Brice says he doesn't know what she wants to hear, but that he has to stick to the plan. Leah asks whether this means that no one gets the bonus. Dramatic pause. And Brice admits that they won't. Leah gives Christina the bitchface headshake which is a 7 on the bitchface scale of difficulty. Christina, who is definitely not overly dramatic, groans and slides down to the floor.

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was actually a classic movie I rewatched for the first time since health class in eighth grade called Kate's Secret. It stars Meredith Baxter Birney as a housewife named Kate, and she has a secret: she's got really large front teeth and kind of looks like a rabbit. Oh, and she's bulimic. Her husband is all successful and she has a preteen daughter and she's a housewife and her mother is really overbearing. So she's worried that her husband is having an affair with his colleague and she thinks she needs to be the perfect housewife in order to keep his interest so she binges and purges. But not in a messy way where, like, she pukes up blood or wears away all the enamel on her teeth. In the first binge, she goes into a grocery store and hides behind one of those cardboard standups while she scarfs down like three Pinwheels. And I'm like, "That's binging? That's dinner in my house!" And then she goes and pukes it up in an alley or something. And then she gives a big party at her house and her husband ignores her and instead of telling him to fuck off because she spends a lot of time cleaning his house and cooking his dinner and raising his child, she starts stuffing chocolate cake in her mouth and basically eating all of the leftovers from the party. And then her mom comes in, like, why is her mom at her house all the time anyway, and she lies and says that the dog ate the chocolate cake and made a mess. So then she goes to a fancy party with her husband and feels all inadequate because she's just a housewife and then she passes out in the bathroom. And I realize that eating disorders are very serious and I have sympathy for those afflicted, but the movie kind of made it seem like she should just get a part-time job or something. Or tell her mother and her husband to fuck off. So then she gets admitted to an eating disorder clinic and it's kind of like Girl, Binging and Purging with the wacky crew of disordered eaters including Miss Patty from Gilmore Girls and Mackenzie Phillips in her super-druggie days. And Meredith Baxter Birney's roommate is Tracy Nelson and it's kind of sad because I think I read in People that Tracy Nelson really did have an eating disorder in real life so she's not so much acting and she's a model and her mother is telling her not to gain any more weight than she has to, and you'd think her doctor or therapist would tell her mother to fuck off, but they don't, and then of course Tracy Nelson dies because Meredith Baxter Birney can't die because she has a daughter and that would be too realistic. Plus, she only purged like twice before being admitted. And I think the lesson you were supposed to take away was that people who are unappreciated get eating disorders. So then Meredith Baxter Birney totally gets better, but not before a visit from her best friend, played by Shari Belafonte, who wears super-hiddy '80s fashions like a long gauzy skirt with socks and sneakers. But the only thing I got from this movie in eighth grade was that my best friend and I, whenever we felt really full, would be like, "Man, I'm like Meredith Baxter Birney stuffing down Pinwheels in the supermarket." Which is awesome.

Chris leans in the doorway and thinks over his problems. In a confessional, Chris says that his troubles stem from his attitude, and he thinks he needs to let his guard down. Seriously, is this episode a repeat? Because doesn't think happen every other week? Chris lies, the girls yell at him, and he apologizes and vows to change. Chris concludes that he needs to start taking things more seriously and stop acting like a goof. He tells Leah and Christina that he doesn't want their relationship to be this bad. Leah says he's doing nothing to change things. Chris apologizes. Again. Leah interviews that she doesn't believe him. Chris says he's tried to change when they've asked him to. He admits that he gets excited easily and when he feels attacked, he blocks them out. Christina says that she can't talk to him when he's like that. Chris admits that that's why he does it, and that it allows him to run and hide. Christina says that she gets more frustrated because she feels like she looks like an ass, and that it makes their relationship impossible. Christina says that every time she tries to reconcile things, they get in a screaming match. She adds that Chris always blames things on the fact that he's drunk. Whoa. She just pulled that one out of thin air, didn't she? Christina says she cried after their fight, and she's lost control of the situation. Chris apologizes. Again. I thought they were talking about their assignments being late, or their overall relationship, but now Christina is back to talking about the drunken pool-playing. Again.

Chris interviews that you have to accept responsibility for your own actions in order to be an adult. Leah and Christina go back into their rooms. Chris tries to get Christina to admit that he's been a nice guy, but she doesn't seem very interested. In a confessional, Chris says that he's trying to be a nice guy and understand those girls. Good luck with that. Leah says that they all came there with different goals, and that she came to find out more about herself and become someone better. Oh, whatever. She came there to be on television. You go to college or move to a new town or start a new job in order to change and grow. You don't need to go on a reality show. In a confessional, Chris says that he's going to kill them with kindness. Chris asks the girls for a group hug. All of the Project Greenlight viewers snicker. Christina doesn't want to hug, but Chris does. Christina says that she'll hug him even though she doesn't want to, because she knows it'll make him feel better. Chris picks her up in a big bear hug. Christina interviews that she hopes Chris will change, but that she doesn't know where they stand. Chris gives Leah a big bear hug. He looks like a good hugger. Chris voice-overs, "Imagine me. The nice guy."

Christina makes Chris sit in her bed. She runs upstairs and rolls the pool balls around on the pool table so that Chris can hear how loud it is. Chris lies down in her bed and seems to fall asleep. Over in Adam's room, Ace says that he's scared to go to his own bed because Christina might yell at him. Adam is like, "You can sleep with me!" Okay, he didn't say that, but God forbid I miss the opportunity to make an Adam Loves Ace joke. Adam interviews that Ace "is like a six-year-old kid in a twenty-three-year-old man's body." Adam clearly spends a lot of time thinking about Ace's body. Adam adds that Ace never wants to be the bad guy. Ace keeps talking about how he wasn't being loud and it was all Chris's fault and blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Christina continues to demonstrate the pool-room noises. She walks back into her room and I seriously think Chris has fallen asleep. Which is kind of funny.

Christina goes to bed. Ace interviews that he hates when Christina is mad at him, because he wants everyone to love him. After the lights are out, Ace says that his feelings were hurt when Christina wanted to move out, and that he will do whatever he can to make her stay. Christina interviews that she doesn't want to argue with Ace because she can't get mad at him. She thinks she needs to be more laid-back. Christina apologizes for being a drama queen and starting fights. Ace apologizes for calling her a drama queen and asks her again to stay in their room. They says that they love each other. Aw.

time: A guy kisses Adam on the cheek in a gay bar, and Adam is worried that it's "a sign or something." Leah and her bitchface are back in full effect.