Previously on Real World: The roommates were assigned to write for a travel guide about France, and most of them (save Leah and Adam) turned their assignments in late. Adam was upset that he couldn't do better than his father, who was a member of the Commodores. So couldn't he excel in another area besides music? Adam also has never had a serious relationship, and Ace thought Adam wanted to prove that he could get any girl he wanted.
The roommates get ready to go out. Christina walks around in a towel, and Adam grabs her around the waist and squeals about her "juiciness." Christina interviews that "Adam wants to hook up with every single girl in Paris." Adam continues to hump and hug Christina, who couldn't be cringing further away from him, like, take a hint, dude. Adam interviews that he's happier when he's around women. I don't know what is up with Adam's hair in that interview, but it's like his normal semi-puff head, but parted down the middle, and then the two sides kind of curl up towards each other like parentheses. Or a lobster claw. A puffy lobster claw. Christina interviews that Adam has to hook up with every girl he speaks to, and she definitely wouldn't hook up with a guy like that. Which explains the gossip that Christina and Adam were seen recently making out somewhere. The scene ends with a shot of Adam and Chris dancing around in their boxers. Well, Chris is wearing boxer briefs.
Chris, Adam, Ace, and Christina go to a club. Have you noticed that there are two groups in the house, and the two rarely mix? There is the aforementioned club-goer group, and then there is the Simon/Mallory/Leah power of three. Weird. Anyway, some weird old dude dances poorly for the camera, and they keep cutting shots of this dude in throughout the scene, which makes me think they are trying to draw a parallel between Adam and this pathetic old dude. And I like it. Adam interviews that he's at his best in the first fifteen minutes that you meet him, and it's all downhill from there. Aw, that's kind of sad. Adam meets some girl named Talayeh, and says he doesn't have a girlfriend at home, and asks if she has a boyfriend. She doesn't really answer. Adam interviews that Talayeh is beautiful and nice. Adam gets Ace's approval of Talayeh, and reveals that she's Canadian. I think Adam really just wanted an excuse to put his arm around Ace and whisper in his ear.
They leave the club and head back to the house. Chris and Adam play pool with Talayeh and her friends Stephanie and Jessica. In a confessional, Chris says that he thinks Adam is a good guy who's trying to fall in love, but he's trying too hard. Adam snuggles with Talayeh on the couch. She's pretty! Why is she hooking up with grody Adam? Talayeh follows Adam downstairs to his room. He excuses himself to brush his teeth and then does this silly dance to psych himself up to kiss a girl. At least that's my interpretation. Why else would he do that dance?
Adam and Talayeh lie in bed and talk. Talayeh says she's been in France for six months and hasn't been with anyone. Adam asks why she chose him. Talayeh says she's not going to be with him tonight. Adam gives her the old blue balls speech ("You're really hot, and it's difficult as a guy…") and I can't believe she doesn't just laugh him out of the room. Adam interviews that Talayeh is too good for him. Word.
Later, Talayeh gets up and leaves while Adam is asleep. Talayeh tells Chris that Adam isn't waking up, and at first I thought she was saying he was dead or something. But I guess he's just asleep. Chris asks what she did to him, and Talayeh says she didn't do shit. Chris interviews that he doesn't know what's going on with Adam and Talayeh, but he thinks Adam cares about her. Chris sees the ladies to the gate.
Eiffel Towel Shot Dix-Huit. Ace tells Christina that Brice called looking for them. Christina eats ice cream with a giant spoon and asks if she should return the call. Christina interviews that she's nervous about their job because she already turned in one assignment late. Christina asks what she did wrong, and Ace says he's worried about the same thing. Hey, it's Simon! I forgot he lived there. Christina calls Brice, who says he was concerned about the writing she turned in. He says that he couldn't even edit her work because he didn't know what she was saying. Ooh, that's harsh. Christina says she'll work on it and hangs up.
Christina runs downstairs and reports what happened. So didn't Brice want to talk to Ace as well? Christina interviews that she's "irritated," because she didn't get her bonus and she still has to work on her piece. Don't get me started on the bonus thing. Okay, I'll just say this. I was under the impression that the money you get paid for doing your work on time is known as salary. If you do something extra, then you get a bonus. So it's total horseshit that they get a bonus for meeting a deadline. And also, if you meet a deadline but your work is crap, you shouldn't even get the salary. Christina complains that Brice wants her to rewrite her piece. She interviews that Brice wants her to state who, what, when, where, why, and how. You mean an editor expects a writer to answer the basic questions of journalism? The nerve! thing you know, he'll expect her to check her facts and spelling! And follow style guidelines! She should just be allowed to spew random words onto the screen and get paid for that! But I'm not bitter.
Mallory and Ace head into the famous Paris sewers. Ace interviews that they have to hand in their writing assignments by Thursday at 6:00 PM. Chris interviews that he's the point person this time around, so he has to gather everyone's assignments and turn them in by the deadline. Simon and Leah go to various attractions, including a park that has bumper cars. Christina goes to a Picasso exhibit. I guess. That's what the sign said outside, but the paintings she was checking out didn't look very Picasso-esque to me. Christina interviews that their work will be published, so it's important to her to make a good effort. Simon and Leah ride the bumper cars and giggle.
Adam calls Talayeh from a pay phone. He is disappointed that she can't see him that night. Or won't see him that night. Adam suggests that she come over if she doesn't want to go out to a club, but before he can get an answer, his train arrives. On the train, Ace tells Adam that he doesn't want to appear too needy and should be more unattainable. Adam says this happens to him all the time, and he thinks he might be too clingy. Adam interviews that if a woman makes him feel good, he wants to feel that way all of the time. Maybe he should work on making himself feel good. Ew, not that way. Although that wouldn't hurt either. Ace asks Adam how many times he called Talayeh that day, and Adam doesn't want to say.
At home, Adam calls Talayeh again. She sounds like she was asleep. Adam says again that he wants to hang out that night. God, take a hint, dude! Don't force her to hang out with you if she feels bad. Ace hollers out, "The lure of the unattainable!" Adam says he's working on it. Ace says it's hard to be unattainable when he's calling her eight times a day. Chris yells out, "Talayeh, I'm in love with you! Don't run from me!" Hee! Chris interviews his opinion that "too much of a good thing might spoil the pot or whatever." Heh. Chris is not the master of the metaphor. Adam continues to try to convince Talayeh to hang out with him, and just when it seems like she's going to agree, he says that he's supposed to hang out with "[his] boys." Adam walks in to discuss this with his boys, and they laugh at the fact that he called Talayeh yet again.
Adam meets Talayeh on the subway. He says that he thought she wouldn't join him, and he was whining to his boys. Seriously, he needs to stop calling them his boys. That is so lame. And then he says he was worried that Talayeh wouldn't "kick it." How can anyone talk to Adam and not just burst out laughing? Adam interviews that he's only known Talayeh for a week and a half, and he doesn't know what the future holds. Adam and Talayeh dance in a club as Adam voice-overs that he's "primal" and just acts on his feelings. Adam and Talayeh kiss. Adam interviews that the first few dates are always exciting and he's in constant search of that feeling. Adam and Talayeh walk to the train together.
Eiffel Tower Shot Dix-Neuf. It's the morning, and Adam is just getting home. Ace spots him. My question is, why is Ace wandering around outside in the morning in his shorts with a towel? Was he in the hot tub? Ace interviews that Talayeh is "definitely girlfriend material for [Adam]." Adam gets all excited that Ace is half-naked, and runs over and puts his arm around Ace's shoulders. Adam walks into the house, and Leah asks bitchily where he's coming from. Adam pretends like he's ashamed to be coming home, but you can tell he's psyched that Leah asked him, since she will now bray it to everyone else in the house.
Adam and Chris play pool that night. Adam says that Talayeh called. Chris says that she's in love with Adam, and that it must feel good. Adam says that she's a hottie. Adam interviews that Talayeh is nice and all his friends think she's hot (doesn't Adam think so?), but he thinks being exclusive would prevent him from going out and having fun. Did she ask him to be exclusive? Why does he assume that's what she wants? Adam says he's only in Paris for four months, and he doesn't want to start something he can't finish. Chris advises him to "take it day by day." Adam repeats that he wants to have a good time in Paris.
Adam, Ace, Christina, and Chris dance in a club. Ace says that it's another day in paradise. Adam rubs up against another girl on the dance floor, and the editors show their sense of humor by letting us know that this girl is "Anna, not Talayeh." Ace interviews that Adam seems like he has something to prove, and he feels better about himself if he talks to a lot of girls. Adam interviews that he's just "having a blast." Adam offers to give Anna a foot massage. In a confessional, Adam says he and Talayeh are not exclusive, so he shouldn't feel guilty. I hate the assumption that Talayeh would even care. Because she's a woman? And all women want to do is trap a man into settling down? And a woman couldn't possibly just want to fuck and run? Bite me, Adam. Adam kisses Anna. I throw up.
Christina and Mallory head to the office. Christina interviews that the email is down at their house, and she wants to get her assignment in on time so that she gets her bonus. Christina says that they have three and a half hours before the deadline. Back at the house, Chris and Simon try to get on the internet. Christina interviews that she's leery of Chris being the point person. Chris calls Brice and explains that everyone's work is done, but the network is down so he can't email them. Brice says that explains why Christina already sent hers from the office and said, "I don't have a lot of faith in this, but just in case." She doesn't have a lot of faith in her work, or in the email going through? I don't know. Someone off-camera yells that the network is back up, and Chris tells Brice and then hangs up. Chris interviews that Brice is the boss and if he wants one document, that's what he should get.
Chris tells the others that Christina already sent hers in. Adam interviews that Christina is "disrespectful" and thinks she's better than everyone else. Whoa, where did he get that? I think Christina should have waited until, like, 5:00 and then called the house to see if the network was back up, but I don't think she thinks she's better than anyone else. The phone rings and Adam says that if it's Christina, "tell her to eat a fat [bleep]." Fuck off, Adam.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie called Visitors of the Night and starring Markie Post and Candace "D.J. Tanner" Cameron as Markie's daughter. So D.J. was in high school and she and her mom kept fighting all the time, and then mysterious crop circles started appearing in the fields outside town. And then Markie Post went to the dentist and flipped out, so the dentist sent her to a hypnotist. And while she was hypnotized, Markie Post started having visions of aliens and space ships and being abducted. And then D.J. started disappearing for hours at a time and blacking out, so Markie Post figured out that the aliens were abducting her too. But at first, you thought maybe D.J. was part alien or something and there was this scene in school where D.J. had to give a presentation in school on physics, and I thought maybe she would turn out to be a genius because of her alien DNA, but really she just started yelling about how we're ruining the planet so I don't know what that was about. And then Markie Post figures out that both she and D.J. have been regularly abducted by aliens their whole lives, and then the spaceship comes back and Markie Post yells at the aliens to take her instead of D.J., and they do, and she finds out that the aliens have been harvesting the women's eggs to try to make a human-alien hybrid baby, but they failed because the babies don't have emotions and they can't cry or some such horseshit. So Markie Post gives this passionate speech to the aliens about how you can't raise a baby without a mother and single fathers around the world flipped off their televisions and then the aliens let her go home and she promises D.J. that it's all over and the aliens won't come back, and then in the very last scene the aliens totally come back and take Markie Post and D.J., like what kind of ending was that? I'll tell you what kind. An awesome one.
Adam interviews that Christina is "not following protocol," although I didn't know they were in the Army. Christina calls home and Adam answers, all pissy. He asks why she sent it early. Christina says she tried to send it to Chris, and couldn't. Adam asks why she was panicking at 3:30. Christina says she wants to make sure she gets the bonus. Adam says Brice is going to be pissed off. Christina says that Brice understands, and asks what the problem is. Adam keeps starting to dispute her statements and then telling her she's right, which is so passive-aggressive, like, either disagree with her or don't, but quit starting and stopping. Adam hangs up. Christina interviews that she feels like Adam is butting his nose into her business. Chris sends in the rest of the assignments, checks his watch, and announces that they are on time.
The roommates arrive at the office for a conference call with Brice. Disembodied Brice says via speaker phone that they all get the bonus because their assignments were in on time. Christina interviews that she's happy that they get the bonus. Brice says that their coverage is great, but he doesn't think they are working as a group. Various people agree. Brice says that the assignment will be all or nothing, meaning that if they send the assignment minus one person's work, then no one gets paid. Or no one gets the bonus. They still get paid. Horseshit. In a confessional, Simon says that he thinks it's unfair that his bonus depends on other people. Brice signs off. Christina interviews that she's never had a job where she had to rely on other people, so this scares her.
Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt. Mallory asks Adam how things are going with Talayeh. Adam says he doesn't know if he can be the guy she wants him to be, like a boyfriend. How does he know she wants a boyfriend? Seriously. Mallory interviews that Adam is considerate and sensitive, even though it seems like he's all about sex. Adam says he doesn't want to hurt her, and Mallory assures him, "You won't hurt her." Hee! I took that to mean he won't hurt her because she doesn't give a shit about him. Adam interviews that his mom raised him to think that the worst thing you could do is cheat on a girl. But it's not cheating! He is just making this into a drama when it's totally not one. Mallory advises him to be honest, because otherwise it will come back to haunt him.
Ace, Chris, and Adam go out to eat. Ace comments that Adam changed his shirt three times the night he was with Talayeh. Adam says that Talayeh is hot, but things don't fit. Because she's a girl. Adam interviews that if one little thing goes wrong, he backs out of the relationship. Talayeh shows up at the restaurant. She and her friends join the guys at their table. Adam pointedly ignores her. Ace interviews that he doesn't know what Adam really wants, because he says different things. Talayeh asks if the guys were meeting people, and she feels like she's ruined their night because they were going to pick up chicks. See? She totally doesn't care if Adam hook up with other girls. She's practically encouraging him to. Adam interviews that he told Talayeh he's seeing other girls. Adam says that his boys gave him crap about kissing another girl all week. Talayeh tells Ace that she doesn't want Adam kissing other girls, and she's not kissing other guys. Ace advises her to tell Adam. Ace asks Adam why he's not being nice to Talayeh, because she likes him and she's hot. Ace wonders if Adam is playing hard to get. Adam says he doesn't play games. Adam interviews that he doesn't feel like a normal person because his feelings are hot and cold. Adam and Ace totally get in a fight over whether or not Adam should be nice to Talayeh. Adam pouts. Later, Adam apologizes to Talayeh for being a jerk and says it has nothing to do with her. Adam interviews that he doesn't know how he feels, because he's not exclusive with Talayeh and yet he still feels guilty.
Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Et-Un. Two blurfaces ride by the house on bicycles. I wonder if they're related to the girl Adam hooked up with a few weeks ago! Adam dials the phone. In a confessional, Adam says that Ace and Chris thinks Talayeh is hot and he should date her the whole time he's in Paris, but he doesn't want a girlfriend. Adam calls Talayeh and she says they are going to the Eiffel Tower. She asks Adam to meet them there in forty minutes. Adam hems and haws and finally agrees to go.
Eiffel Tower Shot Vingt-Deux. In a confessional, Adam says he's feeling guilty because he knows he's not treating Talayeh right, and he just needs to talk to her. Adam arrives, and Talayeh greets him. They hug. Talayeh complains about how long she had to wait, but not in a bitchy way. Adam haltingly says he doesn't want Talayeh to have any misconceptions about their relationship, because if he meets another girl, he wants the option to sleep with her. Talayeh totally understands, and says that they can just be friends. Adam is totally happy and relieved. They part. Adam interviews that it's right if they don't see each other anymore, because this way neither of them will get hurt.
And of course, we get to finish with another confessional rap by Adam. It goes a little something like this:
So a real man plays when he wants to play
And a real man says what he wants to say
But society's rules just get in the way
So from now on I will not be afraid to relay
What I'm feeling to the girl it affects
What's wrong with a young man who enjoys sex?
Adam spots some young ladies on the sidewalk and introduces himself. They giggle.
So that's it, screw women, I ain't stressing no more
The glass is half full, so get ready to pour
This might be the very best days of my life
Twenty-three in Paris, no girlfriend, no wife
So you know what? Hmm, here's what I'll do
I'm going to go ahead and live the way I want to
And if you find me at the shop with a handful of beans
When the beanstalk grows don't talk to me!
Adam finishes very angrily. The beanstalk? Seriously, I don't want to know. No, I really don't. Over the very end, Adam sings, "Champs, Champs Elysee." Oh, dear.