We open with Eiffel Tower Shot Seize. Also, a dog. That is a recurring theme this episode. It's morning at the mansion. Chris turns around in the bathroom and apparently knocks someone's straightening iron on the floor while it's still plugged in. He doesn't seem to notice. Leah asks if he knocked it down, and if he could pick it up, because it will burn the rug, because it's hot. Now, any normal person would just pick it up themselves and yell something like, "Idiot! You knocked the straightening iron down!" and then go about her day. But Leah has to make an Issue out of it. Chris has a look on his face like he's greatly amused by the whole thing, and tells Leah not to leave her shit around. Leah and Chris engage in a "I know you are but what am I?"-level argument over it. Chris is such a bratty brother. I could totally see my brother pulling the same crap, and like Leah, I fell for it every time and just got all upset. When I was thirteen. And then I turned fourteen and realized that if I didn't get all upset about it, my brother wouldn't be a jerk about it, and we got along a lot better after that.
Leah interviews that her issue is that Chris disregards other people's things. Chris and Leah argue some more. Chris interviews that if someone gives him attitude, he will mock and tease him or her. Leah starts cursing and Chris keeps refusing to do it. Christina interviews that Chris is the hardest roommate to live with, and that Leah has the most problems with him. Chris says, "I'm not picking it up, Miss Spoiled Little Bitch." Okay, that was uncalled for but if Leah would just fucking drop it (not the straightening iron, the Issue), then he would've picked it up five minutes ago. Chris totally just wants attention. Leah interviews that if she could, she would put Chris in a cage and never let him out. Leah concludes the argument by muttering, "Go suck your own cock, C.T." But did the iron ever get picked up? And by whom? We'll never know.
Chris talks to his dad on the phone. Chris tells his dad about his fight with the girls. Chris interviews that his dad is his best pal. Mr. Chris says that it sounds like the girls have never had roommates before, and that they'll have to learn how to handle it because they have several months left. Chris says that the girls try to talk down to him and that he has better things to do than listen to them complain. Chris interviews that he doesn't think he's an asshole, and that he can be a "real sweet kid if you just push the right buttons." He thinks that some of the stuff the girls complain about is petty.
It's nearly Valentine's Day. Ace and Chris walk home. Ace says he has to order some flowers for his girlfriend or he'll be in trouble. I'm sure she was happy to see that he didn't send flowers because he was thinking about her lovingly, but to avoid getting in trouble. Of course, I'm also sure she was happy to see him kissing Mallory, so whatever. Ace interviews that this is the first time he's had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day. Ace says he's going to order a hundred roses. Chris says it sounds like a big deal. Dude. That's a lot of money.
Leah talks to her mom on the phone and confesses that she really hates Chris. Leah says she spent two hours cleaning the bathroom and then Chris left his whiskers all over the countertop. Welcome to living with another person. Someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste, and someone else doesn't wipe out the sink when they're done. You can either learn to let it go, or you can fight over every little thing. I think the first option is much less tiring. Mrs. Leah says that it's hard to share a bathroom with a guy. Simon (who is listening to the whole conversation) interviews that other people's habits can get on Leah's nerves. Leah baby-talks that Chris thinks she's spoiled, and she's not. Mrs. Leah just laughs, because clearly she agrees with Chris. Leah asks if she should be nice even though she doesn't mean it. How old is she? I can't believe she just asked that question. Mrs. Leah says that Leah can be civil and mean it. Leah interviews that she wants to make the shift with Chris because she's tired of feeling uncomfortable, and hearing it from her mother lets her know that it's time to do so.
Leah talks to Chris about how it might be her fault, but that his sense of humor hurts her feelings. Adam and Ace sit there and listen. Leah interviews that someone needs to tell Chris what's going on. Well, I'm glad she appointed herself the spokesperson, since she and Chris have basically never had a civil conversation. Chris says he doesn't like the way Leah talks down to him and acts rude. Leah disagrees. Chris reels off a list of Leah's characteristics: "I think you're self-centered. I think you're materialistic. You're superficial, artificial. You talk behind people's back. You're selfish, vain, and spoiled." Okay, that was mean, but also funny. Chris concludes that he thinks he just nailed it right on the head. Leah interviews that she was indignant because Chris knows nothing about her or her background. Isn't she the same person that is constantly calling Chris trashy and uneducated? Leah says if that's really how Chris feels, she is truly sorry for him, because he's a douche bag. While Leah was talking, Chris mouthed the same words she was saying. Hee! She was so trying to look like she was taking the high road and he was taking the second-grade road.
Christina interviews that talking to Chris is like talking to a two-year-old. So why talk to him? Suddenly, Christina is screaming at Chris about the straightening iron. Chris claims that it fell on the floor because he got burnt. Well, I don't believe that, but it was a nice try. Then all three of them are just screaming at each other. Chris starts mocking the girls, throwing his arms up in the air and going, "Everybody yell! Whoooo! Wooo hooooo!" He cracks me up. He's kind of an asshole, but he's funny to watch. Christina yells that Chris isn't able to get along with other people. Chris yells that he got burned, and Christina goes, "A violin for your ass!" That sounds painful. Christina gives Chris the Double Pointing Fingers of Doom and screams, "You're the problem!" Chris yells back, "You have a problem with me! Let's yell! Whoo! What's it solve? Nothing, so stay calm!" Christina keeps trying to make her point, but Chris yells, "Save it for someone who cares," accompanied by pelvic thrusts. Wow. I know logically I should side with the girls, but Chris is just so over the top that he cracks me up. I enjoy seeing someone on this show finally admit that the petty fights are just stupid and meaningless.
Eiffel Tower Shot Dix-Sept. More dogs. Chris, Ace, and Adam walk down the street. Chris says that the girls just need to tell him what they want from him. Chris interviews that he thought he knew a lot about women, and that he's discovering that he knows nothing. Well, he might try thinking about them as people first and women second. And he might try not combing his hair forward. It does diminish the parabolic effect slightly, but it's still very, very bad. Ace tells Chris to put himself in the girls' shoes. Ace interviews that Chris just needs to be more understanding. Chris says that he could write everything he knows about women on a BB.
The three boys arrive at a club. I swear to God, Ace and Adam were having an intimate moment with champagne in the corner. Chris wanders off alone, guzzling his drink. In a confessional, Chris says that he doens't feel close to anyone in the house and doesn't have anyone to relate to. Maybe his constant yelling has something to do with that. Chris tells Ace that he's going to go home alone, and stumbles off.
Once he gets home, Chris makes the terrible mistake of drunk-dialing his ex-girlfriend, Jamie. Oh, bad idea. Drunk-dialing is bad enough, but drunk-dialing the ex? The worst. Chris says he was thinking of sending Jamie something for Valentine's Day. Jamie doesn't think he should. From her voice, Jamie sounds like she's about twelve. Chris keeps trying, but Jamie totally shuts him down by saying that it's too little, too late, and that he needs to learn to be considerate. Chris just agrees and then looks at the camera like, "Wow, was that a terrible idea." Chris interviews that you should never call an ex-girlfriend when you're drunk.
, Chris calls his brother and says that he's as drunk as a bum in the subway. Chris explains that he wants to send Jamie some flowers, but that he doesn't have a credit card, so he needs his brother to do it. His brother sounds like he's pretty wasted as well, but agrees to do it. Chris hangs up and rubs his face, totally looking like he's about to spew. The extremely blown-up photo of the ear to him is kind of grossing me out.
The morning is Valentine's Day. Ace calls Kate, who says she just got flowers from him. Two dozen roses. I guess he scaled down his original idea. A delivery man comes up to the gate. Adam answers and accepts two giant bouquets, and then doesn't even tip the delivery man. Bitch. Adam brings the flowers inside, and we see that they are giant bouquets of tulips. Ace walks in, Nosy Parkers his way over to the flowers, and sees that the name on the envelope says "Leah" and the name on the card says "Christopher." That was not his fucking envelope to open. Where's Miami Dan when you need him? Ace concludes that Chris sent the flowers. Ace walks upstairs and says that Chris stole his idea to send flowers to all of the girls. Christina is all touched, even though the flowers totally weren't for her. Christina interviews that every girl likes flowers. Ace goes in and wakes Chris up to yell at him, jokingly, for stealing his idea. Chris is all confused and hung over and he doesn't really know what's going on. He asks whom the flowers were from and Adam replies, "You, you damn monkey." What is with him calling people damn monkeys? I hate Adam.
In the kitchen, Christina reads the card with the flowers, so you think at this point she'd figure out that they are not for her. In a confessional, Christina says that Chris sent her flowers. Okay, he didn't send anyone flowers, but no one sent flowers to Christina either. Chris wakes up and walks downstairs and his hair might be the most awesome thing I saw on TV last week. It's all sticking straight up and he looks like the Heat Miser. Chris blearily checks the cards. In a confessional, Chris says that he was really wasted the night and that he doesn't remember sending any flowers. He looks terrified!
Chris immediately calls his dad and asks whether he sent flowers to the girls on Chris's behalf. His dad claims he didn't do it, but he's giggling the whole time. Adam totally eavesdrops on the conversation. Mr. Chris asks if Chris sent the flowers, and Chris says he was drunk and he doesn't know. Mr. Chris advises Chris just to play dumb. Shouldn't be too hard. Chris and his dad laugh together. Chris still thinks his dad did it. Chris interviews that he thinks someone from home sent the flowers to help him out with his roommate situation. Christina comes in and hugs Chris. In a confessional, Christina says that Chris has made "a hundred percent improvement." From sending flowers? Chris tells his dad that he's not in the doghouse anymore. His dad is still just cracking up.
Leah walks into the kitchen and her jaw drops in a really exaggerated show of shock. Ace tells her that the flowers are from Chris, and Leah reads the card. In a confessional, Leah says that there are "over three or four hundred" tulips. Leah goes and hugs Chris and thanks him. Chris says he's getting better. Leah agrees, and walks off muttering about how exciting it is to get something. These girls are easy, man. If I really hated someone, flowers wouldn't make everything better. Chris interviews that all of the girls are kissing up to him now, so he just went with it.
Mallory makes her one appearance in the episode and asks whom the flowers are for. Chris is starting to get into the story now, and he says that he must have ordered them the same night he ordered flowers for his ex-girlfriend. Leah and Christina get their pictures taken with the flowers. Chris interviews that he's not trying to lie to the girls, but that he feels like they really want him to be the one who sent the flowers. Chris says he's almost out of the doghouse. Leah spells out, "G-O-D-I-V-A." She gives women a bad name.
More dogs. Adam tells Ace that he doesn't think Chris bought the flowers. Ace brings up the card. Adam admits that he overheard Chris's phone call. In a confessional, Adam says that claiming responsibility for the flowers wasn't a smart move. Chris smooshes the flowers and Leah screeches at him. Adam interviews that women will forgive something but won't let you forget it. Like Adam knows anything about women. The funniest thing about this event is that a lot of entertainment critics complain about scripted storylines where the whole thing could be resolved in the first five minutes if people actually talked to each other, and I guess this episode shows that it happens in real life, too.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week were old episodes of Melrose Place on E! I'm not going to list off all of the things about the episodes that were awesome, because the answer would be "Everything." But here are a few highlights: Allison's gigantic jaw and constant stuffy nose; Amanda's desperate need for a hot oil treatment; Billy's mouth-breathing; Jo and Jake's complete lack of storyline and yet the writers still finding time for them to roll around naked a few times; Matt's appearance in exactly two scenes in five episodes; and best of all was the close-up on Michael's butt-clenching while kissing Kimberly on the beach. I think the moment I realized how awesome this show was occurred when Jake and Jo's storyline consisted of Jake cheating on his taxes and then realizing that it was wrong so he and Jo went to the mailbox and convinced the mailman (who was picking up the mail at midnight, for some reason) to give them back the returns. Wasn't that a storyline on The Andy Griffith Show at one point? (Minus the cheating on the tax returns, because no one in Mayberry would cheat on their taxes.) And yet, genius. Plus, butt-clenching. And it's just starting to get good because week is the episode when Amanda buys the apartment complex, and if I recall, that's when all hell broke loose.
More dogs. Leah and Chris play pool. Chris teaches her how to play, and they seem to be getting along well. Probably because she's not screeching and he's not acting like a toddler. Leah interviews that she's seeing another side to Chris, and that it's important that they learn about each other. Leah makes a good shot and Chris calls her "a hustlah!" In a confessional, Chris says his relationship with Leah has changed a lot, because she's been real and nice to him, and that he's trying hard.
A dog on the street picks up a purse. I don't know. Leah sits down to check her email and lets out a huge gasp that might be appropriate if she read that someone has cancer. Adam asks what's going on. Leah can't even talk because she's so excited to cause trouble. Leah got an email from her friend Chris from Maryland asking if she got the tulips he sent. Oops. Leah has Adam read the email. Leah is way too happy to get this news. In a confessional, Leah can't believe she's at a loss for words. Adam asks whether Chris really claimed credit for the flowers. Leah interviews that she's psyched to catch Chris in a lie at last, and wonders how he thought he wouldn't get caught. Of course, it never occurs to her just to ask him what happened. Leah claims that she's disgusted that Chris would take credit for the flowers.
More dogs. Adam tells Ace about the situation. Ace is confused because Chris's name was on the card. Ace laughs and wonders what Chris's "malfunction" is. In a confessional, Adam says that he finds the whole thing funny. Ace says that Chris did look confused. Adam wonders how Chris thought he would get away with it. In a confessional, Ace says that he has to give Chris the benefit of the doubt. Well, at least someone is. It just bothers me that they're all talking about how Chris thought he'd get away with it, when I think at this point, Chris thinks it's a very real possibility that either he or someone he knows did send the flowers.
Leah bangs pots and pans around in the kitchen. Christina comes home. Leah can't wait to tell her about the flowers. Christina is shocked. Leah calls it "a classless, trashy thing to do." Leah claims she's upset because her friend Chris went three days without her thanking him, when I think she just realized that. Leah is just one of those people who loves drama and wants to be pissed and disgusted, and was just so happy for the opportunity to hate Chris again. What happened to wanting to get to know more about him?
Ace interviews that Chris is going to look like a jackass and that the girls will never forgive him. Ace pulls Chris aside and gives him a heads-up on the situation, which I think was a really cool move on Ace's part. So this is where Chris is going to go downstairs and explain why he thought he might have sent the flowers, right? Right?
Chris heads downstairs and sits at the computer. Chris yells that he sent out an email to all his friends and family asking who sent the flowers, and none of them did it, so he wonders if they ever found out who did. Whoo, boy. That was, like, the worst lie ever. Christina shrugs and says she doesn't know. In a confessional, Christina says she's really disappointed in Chris. Chris digs himself deeper by saying he doesn't want the girls to get an email from some guy asking about the flowers he sent. Oh. Oh, dear. Leah says it's interesting that Chris would say that, since that's exactly what happened. In a confessional, Leah says that she wants to ask Chris if he's out of his mind. Chris says he's sorry. In a confessional, Leah calls Chris an asshole for taking credit for someone else's gesture. Chris claims he never said he sent them. Leah asks why he kept asking if he was out of the doghouse. Chris says that he would take any opportunity to get out of the doghouse. Chris interviews that he finds it funny how the girls could turn on a dime like that, and that while he liked the attention from them, he knew it wouldn't last. Chris says he's sorry, because it was cheesy and weak. Leah says it really was. In a confessional, Leah says that they all thought Chris was starting to change, and now he's made it worse. Chris looks mock-sad while the girls pointedly ignore him. Chris interviews that he's "hanging with the dogs," and barks. Oh, Chris. Why do I love you so? When you are such an ass?
week: Adam and Christina wrestle. Adam hooks up with a lot of girls. Adam and Christina get in a fight about...something. It was unclear.