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Previously on Real World: Leah thought Ace was "a hottie." Adam told Leah she didn't have "an iceberg's chance in hell with Ace." Ace told his girlfriend from home that they shouldn't "talk to" anyone else, and yet Ace realized that he was falling for Mallory. Maybe Ace should change his name to Nick. And Adam could be Skippy.
It's snowing! I was going to say how it's been so long since I've seen snow, but seriously, it was just over a month ago that we had our last snowfall in my part of the world. I know. And I live here by choice. And I don't ski. Anyway. The drunken cameramen from The Amazing Race stop by and careen around the grounds of the house. Mallory and Ace check out the snowfall. Ace says he wishes they could "walk around all romantic in the snow." He's kind of a girl. Mallory interviews that she's attracted to Ace's personality, and they've flirted, but that's as far as it's gone. Mallory and Ace play grab-ass. The other roommates appear. Simon gets the female roommates to do the classic Charlie's Angels pose while he snaps a picture. Ace says he hasn't seen snow in two years as the roommates head for the train. Where are they going? Who knows? Narrative? Story-arc? What?
On the train, Mallory tells Simon that she doesn't want anything to happen with Ace, due to Leah's feelings. Simon is wearing a bright blue fedora, and while it certainly beats Ace's chipster backwards baseball cap, it's a bit…much. Mallory protests that she really doesn't want to make Leah upset. The editors try to make it out like Leah can hear this conversation, but she totally can't. Simon interviews that Mallory likes Ace, which could cause problems in the house. Cut to Leah looking really pissed, but it's probably because Adam is sitting near her or something. Mallory says that she's not going to act on her feelings for Ace, but acknowledges that she does have feelings. Can you believe it's the third episode and Ace has already had the opportunity to hook up with two out of the three female roommates? It's got to be pheromones. Mallory's got this giant shawl wrapped around her neck and it's all fringe-y and it looks like she's trying to hide a goiter.
Apparently, the roommates rode the train around for a while and then went back home, because suddenly it's nighttime and we're back at the house. Leah is in bed. Adam sits at the kitchen table, eating his fingernails with some ketchup. That's what it looks like anyway. Suddenly, Adam is on the phone. He calls his sister and talks about his fight with Leah. Adam interviews that his sister knows him well, and will tell him when he's being a schmuck. In the course of explaining what happened, Adam says that Ace is "super-hot," which I guess is relevant to the story, but the way Adam says it cracked me up. Adam also leaves out the part where everyone knew Leah had a crush on Ace. I thought that Leah was more humiliated at being publicly reminded of Ace dissing her than upset that Adam thought she couldn't get a hot guy. Anyway, Adam's sister tells Adam that he's a schmuck, basically. Adam realizes he was in the wrong and he needs to fix it. In a confessional, Adam says that he was wrong and needs to apologize, because he'll be living with Leah for a long time. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because they have to live together.
Ace gets on a train and voice-overs that he hates it when it's "a little bit arguing in the house." I guess it's unrealistic of me to expect him to learn French when he's got a tenuous grasp on English. Anyway, Ace is going to be like Julie on Love Boat and plan some fun activities to cheer up the roommates and promote unity. While it's better than Awesome Ann from Vegas, I would be annoyed if my roommate forced me to do activities like this, and you know if you refuse, you look like a big party pooper. Anyway, Ace buys a whole mess of liquor.
Ace returns home and starts washing out a garbage can to make punch. They don't have a stock pot or a pitcher or whatever? Actually, I think we used garbage cans in college, but we used this crazy invention called a liner instead of mixing it up right in the can. Mallory says she doesn't care and she'll "drink from a trough." I kind of wish she had a longer face so I could make a horse joke there, but it doesn't really work. Ace concocts the college classic -- pieces of fruit soaked in high-proof alcohol and mixed with a few drops of fruit punch. If he were really planning ahead, he would have soaked the fruit in the alcohol for like twelve hours in advance. Or so I've heard. Especially if my parents, who helped fund my college education, are reading this. I definitely did not prepare or eat alcohol-soaked fruit at any time. Also, I like how MTV is so responsibly giving kids step-by-step instructions on how to mix up their own coma-inducing alcoholic punch.
Ace says that he's challenged Mallory to a drinking contest (i.e. "get her really drunk so I can kiss her") and Mallory agrees (i.e. "get really drunk so I can kiss him and claim that I don't remember"). Ace walks down the stairs wearing a powder blue tuxedo and ruffled shirt. What is he, Carrot Top, with the props all the time? Ace passes out wacky hats for everyone. The roommates use a chalkboard to mark off how many drinks they have had.
Adam and Leah go off by themselves and sit down. Adam says that he's sorry. Leah tells him that he hurt her feelings more than they've ever been hurt before. She adds that it's a big deal that she's even talking to him, because she has "never forgiven anyone for anything. Ever." Really? So if I, like, accidentally stepped on her toe on a crowded subway, and then apologized, she would still be mad at me? That's got to be exhausting, keeping track of all of the people she hasn't forgiven. Leah says that the experience means more to her than holding a grudge. Adam asks for "a goodbye hug," and Leah looks a little annoyed, but gives in. She suggests that they start over, and Adam agrees. Well, at least they waited to wrap up this storyline instead of just jamming it all into one episode and then pretending it never happened later on.
Leah finds a scrapbook that Kate (Ace's girlfriend) made. The women exclaim over how cute Kate is. Mallory interviews that she knows Ace is seeing someone from home, but they haven't discussed his feelings for Kate. In a confessional, Ace says that sometimes he thinks he should marry Kate, but then at other times, he thinks that he's only twenty-three and should play the field some more. Clearly. I mean, if I were a dude and had women falling all over me like Ace appears to, why not take advantage for a little while? I don't mean take advantage in a criminal way. I just mean he's clearly not hard up for dates, and if he's not sure about Kate, why not stay single? Of course, he should tell Kate before he hooks up with another woman, especially since they just agreed to be exclusive like a week ago.
Ace announces that he's got a great idea -- a limbo competition! I think Ace watched a few too many Frankie Avalon-Annette Funicello movies as a kid. Because that's the last time I saw a limbo competition. Well, except at roller-skating parties when I was a kid. But that was different. Because it was on skates. And my best friend's little sister would always win because A) she was a gymnast and B) she was really short. So then at some point, Mallory changed clothes, but everyone else is pretty much wearing the same thing as earlier. I guess she wanted to be more comfortable for the limbo thing. Chris and Simon don't appear to be participating in this foolishness. Well, Simon pops in for one minute. Oh, and Chris is taking pictures. But we don't actually see them limbo. Ace interviews that he's been flirting with Mallory and he hasn't talked to Kate in weeks, and he doesn't know what's going on with his love life.
Ace is shirtless, wearing a grass skirt, a paper lei, and a sombrero. Mallory claims that she's had ten drinks. Ace doesn't believe it. In the confessional, Leah and Mallory sit on Ace's lap and drunkenly discuss the drinking contest. Mallory announces that she's going to bed and that Ace can join her. Ace sits at the computer and reads an email from Kate. I paused it to try to see what Kate wrote, because I'm nosy like that, and all I saw was that she calls Ace "my precious teapot." Huh? Leah makes sure that Ace realizes that he was just invited into Mallory's bed. Yeah, Leah is really pissed about Mallory and Ace. Good thing they wasted our time on that whole concept earlier. Leah interviews that she couldn't believe that Ace has "all these ladies" wanting him, and he was sitting at the computer instead. Leah heads off to bed, and Ace continues reading the email.
Eiffel Tower shot douze. Leah tells Christina about her non-forgiveness policy. Christina thinks it's terrible. Christina interviews that she thinks Leah's policy is "very shallow-minded." Shallow-minded? Like closed-minded, but not? Leah has a pink bandanna on her head, and she's way too white to pull that off. The editors try to make it out like Adam heard the conversation and stomped out, but I really don't think he did. Leah says that as soon as she saw Adam walking up to the house, she knew she wouldn't like him. I was going to say something about Leah being judgmental, but…it's Adam. I kind of feel her there.
Adam and Chris stand at the train station. Adam complains that his roommates are late. Chris voice-overs that they're supposed to meet some of Adam's friends. Adam yells to his roommates to hurry up as they enter the train station. They run to make it. It's all very confusing, but apparently Mallory and Ace got on the train and the rest of them missed it. Ace interviews that he finds Mallory attractive because she can "drink like a fish." Suddenly, the roommates are all together again. So did Ace and Mallory just wait at their destination? Why did it matter that they got on the earlier train? Who knows? Thank God these people don't edit The Amazing Race. I guess they're trying to set up the "Ace and Mallory want to be alone" theme. Anyway, Adam keeps pestering everyone to stay together and hurry up and would somebody slap him already? He actually calls his roommates "damn monkeys" while yelling at them to hurry. Adam interviews that he was supposed to meet some girls. So why did he need to bring everyone along? I would have just told my roommates to meet us later, if at all. You'd think Adam would want to meet the girls by himself instead of bringing along the competition of Chris and Ace. Adam spends about twenty minutes looking for Ace, lending further credence to my theory that he cares more about Ace than he does about these alleged girls that he is allegedly meeting up with. Adam interviews that Ace wanted to be alone with Mallory, so they took off. Adam keeps trying to figure out where Ace is while Chris walks ahead, looking annoyed.
Ace and Mallory dance at a bar. Ace interviews that Mallory is a great person and he thinks he's falling in love with her. Haven't they known each other about two weeks at this point? Yeah. Ace interviews that he thinks Mallory has a wild streak but is afraid to show it. Mallory swigs some beer. Mallory interviews that drinking is "a huge release." Yeah, that might be a trait of alcoholism. Mallory flips off the cameras and tells them to leave. Man, Mallory is wild! She's drinking beer! She's dancing in a bar! She's flipping off the cameras! Somebody stop her! In a confessional, Mallory says she's upset about "this process" because she's feeling exposed. Wow, it really sucks that they won't give her some privacy and let her control what is shown in the episodes. You'd think she had volunteered to be on the show and then signed a contract that detailed exactly how it would work. Oh. Wait. She did? Sorry about that. I guess I don't feel bad for her at all, then. The camera goes all grainy like it's surveillance footage. My guess is that the cameraman turned off the light on the camera to make Mallory think he wasn't filming, but continued to film. Mallory and Ace think they are secretly sharing a smooch. Mallory drunkenly suggests that they date behind the scenes, and they should only kiss while they're off camera. She adds that she's "the nice little virgin" and she can't look bad on camera. She tells Ace that she won't give up the big V until they are alone. Ace quickly suggests that they ditch the cameras and get some alone time, and they take off. Like a lot of reality show participants, they apparently forget that they are still miked.
Adam and Chris return home. Adam runs around the house searching for his one true love, Ace. He's upset that Ace isn't home. In a confessional, Adam says he hopes whatever caused Ace to ditch him was worth it. Mallory and Ace pull up in a cab. Adam asks Mallory what happened, and she says that she lost her purse. Adam kind of laughs to himself and says that he was actually referring to what happened when they all got separated. Mallory drunkenly rambles some bullshit story about needing to use a bathroom and then not being able to find her roommates. Adam barely suppresses a grin as he suggests that Mallory get some sleep and try to come up with a better story in the morning. He doesn't add, but probably thinks, that the story should definitely involve many details about what Ace looks like naked. So what happened when Ace and Mallory ditched the cameras? That's as much info as we get. The editors clearly want us to think that they had sex or something, but I'm not buying it.
Adam hangs out with Ace and Mallory, hoping for more juicy gossip or something. Mallory says that the purse actually belonged to Leah. Leah stumbles downstairs in a bathrobe. Mallory tells Leah that she lost her purse. Mallory adds that her own wallet was inside. Leah says that her passport was in there. Why did Mallory have Leah's purse in the first place? Leah says she's just going to go back to bed and pretend the whole thing never happened. Leah looks stricken, and Mallory looks guilty.
Mallory calls her mom and tells her what happened. Mallory's mom (who I'm just going to go ahead and call Elyse) says that Mallory was really dumb, and needs to stay away from alcohol. Mallory says that when she starts drinking, it's hard for her to stop. That's another alcoholic trait, no? Elyse advises Mallory not to start drinking, then. In a confessional, Mallory rambles on about how she's confused regarding what type of person she is. Mallory says she hasn't been honest with herself. Why do I feel like she's about to come out of the closet? Mallory tells her mom that she feels like a bad person and she thinks her mom will see some things on television that she won't like. In a confessional, Mallory says she deserves to be exposed. What, did she kill Laci Peterson or something? She's acting all dramatic, and if she doesn't have an actual problem, I'm going to be really annoyed. Like, if this is just all about the fact that her parents want her to be one way and she doesn't fit that role anymore, well, welcome to late adolescence. Elyse tells Mallory to make them proud and not to give into temptation. Elyse adds that she told Mallory she wasn't strong enough. Wow, that's supportive. Unless she's like a recovering alcoholic or something, and then it would make more sense. But Elyse Keaton would never say that to her daughter.
Ace, Chris, and Mallory walk around the city, checking in at various bars and clubs with no luck. They go into one bar, and a guy walks out of the back carrying a purse. Mallory thanks them effusively. She looks through the purse to make sure everything is there, but can't find Leah's passport.
The three searchers return home. Mallory shows Simon the purse, and he can't believe they actually found it. Mallory says that the passport isn't in there, though. Leah walks in, and really doesn't seem that concerned about the whole thing. Mallory tells her that the passport is missing. Leah starts looking through the purse, and pulls out the passport. Maybe she had it hidden in the lining or something? Simon gasps, and Mallory laughs. Simon and Mallory hug and Simon says he feels better. Mallory apologizes to Leah again.
Leah talks to her friend Jill on the phone. Jill asks about the roommates. Leah says that Christina is "this little, tiny sex kitten from Vegas." Adam and Mallory are sitting nearby in the kitchen. Leah says that Mallory looks exactly like Giselle Bundchen, and I have to say, other than the height and maybe the hair, I'm really not seeing it. Jill asks about the guys. Leah says that Adam is from L.A. Jill immediately asks if he's cute, and Leah just as quickly answers, "No." Adam asks Mallory what she thinks Jill asked to get that response from Leah. And while I can't really fault him for listening in, because I totally would, or even for discussing it with Mallory, because I would totally do that too, he goes wrong when he asks Leah about it later. He should at least pretend he wasn't eavesdropping. I think those of you who work in cubicles know that rule. Obviously you are going to overhear phone conversations, but you're supposed to pretend that you can't hear. Unless the person is like yelling or crying or something. Then you're allowed to just ask if they're okay, or ask them to keep it down. But otherwise, you pretend that you didn't hear it and file any gossip away for later, in the breakroom. Adam interviews that he doesn't like causing arguments, but he wants people to say how they really feel. Does he really want that?
The roommates hang out in the hot tub. Adam asks Leah what Jill asked to get that response. Leah lies and says that it wasn't anything bad, and it definitely wasn't Jill asking if Adam was cute. Adam interviews that Leah is being disrespectful, because if you don't like the way someone looks, you should keep it to yourself. Oh, whatever, Adam. People talk about whether other people are hot all the time. It's not like she said it right in front of you. It's not like she answered, "No, Adam is definitely not cute." She was trying to be discreet, and it's not her problem if you were listening in. ["Also, I seem to recall Adam telling Leah in a rather disrespectful fashion that she wasn't hot enough herself to bag Ace. If you're going to dish it out, learn it take it, Baba Booey." -- Sars]
Ace and Mallory loll about on some beds and talk. Ace tells Mallory that he doesn't know if she remembers, but they kissed. Mallory laughs and says she doesn't really remember. Ace says he's worried about what Kate will think. Mallory gasps and says she's sure it wasn't a big deal and that Kate won't mind. Ace interviews that he loves Kate a lot, but the distance and time make it difficult. It's been like two or three weeks! I mean, just be honest and say that you want to kiss other girls. Ace tells Mallory that he is worried that he's holding back and he doesn't want to waste his experience. Mallory says she wants to be herself, but she doesn't fully know who she is yet. Mallory adds that she doesn't want to be sneaky and flip off the camera again. Hey, I thought she didn't remember all that! Ace says that Mallory never wants to be around the cameras, and advises her to be herself and stop worrying about it. In a confessional, Mallory says that she loves her family and doesn't want to hurt them, but she knows she will if she's honest and stops hiding. Mallory says that she's scared of the repercussions after the show is over. I guess that's legitimate, but then why go on the show? This just occurred to her now?
week: Mallory claims that she doesn't remember kissing Ace, and Ace thinks she's lying. Mallory tells Leah what's going on with Ace. Chris and Christina get in a fight about buying liquor or something.