Previously on The Real World: Everyone met. Chris thought that Christina was "on fi-yah" because she had a body. I swear to God that's what he said. Adam told Leah that she "didn't have an iceberg's chance in hell with Ace." Because he wanted Ace's sweet hillbilly loving all for himself.
Eiffel Tower Shot Huit. Followed by Shot Neuf. Seriously, the editors are fucking with me, aren't they? Otherwise, why two Eiffel Tower shots right in a row? They want to see if I really know how to count in French. Except I do get a little fuzzy above ten, so maybe they're on to something there. The roommates are dancing in a club. Leah dances with Christina while Adam stares angrily into space. Leah ignores him. In a confessional, Leah and Mallory discuss how much Adam sucks. Leah says that in the past, when she's encountered people like Adam, she cuts them out of her life. Then she flips Adam off via the confessional camera. In another part of the club, Christina and Chris dance together. Mallory interviews that Christina digs Chris's body. Christina interviews that she thinks Chris has the best body in the house. Better than Simon's, even? Chris and Christina rub up against each other, and then there's this Xanadu-style neon outline thing and I don't know what that was supposed to signify.
The roommates are back at the house, standing around in the kitchen and discussing...men and women? I think? Christina tells the guys (minus Simon) that she would rather have Bruce Lee than Arnold Schwarzenegger any day. So she would take a dead guy over a really grody Republican with heart problems? Adam thinks "the bigger the better," so now we know he's a size queen. Christina says that's not necessarily true, and then admits that it's true in some areas, like the genital area, like the area including but not limited to the penis. She might not have been that explicit, but I wanted to make sure you got it. Christina adds that she would rather have ten minutes of total attention than a guy who talks about how hard he worked out. Why are those opposites? Like why can't she have a guy who works out and also pays attention to her? I guess that was supposed to be a shot at Chris, who is wearing a tank top like Steve Sanders. I get totally distracted by the grocery list written on the board behind Christina. Here's what is on the grocery list, in this order: champagne, chicken & salad, wine, beer, protein (tuna, beef, chicken, fish, cold cuts), trash bags, TP, laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, hot sauce, wheat bread, butter, cereal, hair (?), and baguettes. That's quite a balanced diet.
Mallory and Leah walk in and Chris tells them to join the conversation. Basically, Christina is saying that she would accept a guy with a less-than-stellar body if he could hold a conversation. As would most adults over the age of twenty, I think. And many of them under twenty as well. I just don't see why this is even an argument. Christina tells the guys that they only care about the [bleep], and everyone laughs. Chris interviews that he thinks Christina is wilder than she lets on. Because she said [bleep]? I think that would make a lot more sense if it weren't bleeped out. He also thinks Christina won't be able to go without sex for four and a half months. Wow, what a personal sacrifice -- to be celibate for four and a half months. That would be a tragedy. Christina explains her egg theory, which is basically that someone who loves you will find out how you like your eggs, and make them for you in the morning, even if they prefer their eggs done differently. She really demands a lot from her boyfriends, doesn't she? I'm kidding. I would hope that she gets more out of her relationships than eggs for breakfast. Chris yells something that gets bleeped, but I think the gist was that Christina wouldn't break up with a guy who gave her the deep dicking over an Egg McMuffin. Everyone laughs and looks scandalized. Ace and Leah hug, as do Simon and Mallory. When did Simon get there? Christina says that if a guy would go to the trouble of learning how to make her eggs, he probably also knows how to do everything else.
Chris talks to his friend Mike on the phone. (They showed a poster of the Eiffel Tower, but only the actual structure will be counted.) Mike asks about the roommates. Chris says that he gets along with them, and that he thinks one of the women has potential. Chris explains that Christina is from Vegas and Mike intones, "She's a hust-lah!" Hee! Love that accent. Chris interviews that he thinks he has a shot with Christina. Chris relays the egg conversation, including his comment about how Christina wouldn't pass up someone who was great in bed over an Egg McMuffin.
Eiffel Tower Shot Dix. The roommates walk down the street looking for a place to eat. Ace wants to go to McDonald's, but everyone else yells him down. I have a friend who traveled throughout Europe, and he would only eat at McDonald's, and even then he would order a cheeseburger without the burger or toppings. Basically, a bun with cheese. He's weird. And deprived, in a lot of ways. Anyway, the roommates find a restaurant, and don't seem to order anything too adventurous. Simon at least tries to speak some French. Ace orders a plain chicken sandwich with cheese and a soda. Simon interviews that no one is even trying to speak French, which he finds "slightly ignorant and a bit rude as well." Agreed. Adam tells Ace that he should have just ordered something straight from the menu. Ace complains that he doesn't like the food that was available. The food comes, and Ace complains about how hard the bread is. That is seriously such a pet peeve of mine that I don't think I can write about it in a cogent manner, but if Ace doesn't want to try new things, he should have just stayed in Georgia and let someone else have this opportunity. Ace interviews that he misses Wal-Mart and Waffle House. Ah, the finest American culture has to offer. I love America as much as anyone (well, most anyone), but seriously. I know he was kind of joking, but he...kind of wasn't.
The roommates leave the restaurant and Ace complains some more. He tells Leah and Mallory that he hates it in France: he hates the language, and he hates the little cars, because he likes big SUVs. I'm expecting the clip to be an interview with one of the other roommates talking about how Ace is being a jagoff, but instead we get Mallory interviewing that "Ace is hilarious." Huh? She also thinks he's sexy. She finds complaining sexy? Ace starts joking that he hates everyone. I guess that was meant to continue the "Ace hates France" theme but also set up week's "Ace and Mallory are hot for each other" theme.
Chris interviews that they are getting ready to go out to some clubs in Paris. Chris's hair has really reached extreme parabolic status. It looks like a bell curve. Christina whines that she doesn't know what to wear, and Chris offers to pick something out for her. She's taking fashion advice from him? I mean, he obviously knows his hair is bad because he always wears a stocking cap when he goes out. Which must get kind of stinky, because it's hot and he dances and stuff and yuck. So his hair is not only ugly, but also probably smelly. Chris interviews that Christina needs a lot of attention, but that he doesn't mind giving it to her. Chris asks whether Tina wants to be a bad girl or a good girl, and he picks bad girl. Christina interviews that she's attracted to Chris. She ends up wearing a black shirt with black pants like way to take some fashion risks. Chris interviews that flirting is fun and that he feels like he's always flirting with Christina. Oh, just do it already.
The roommates have some pre-clubbing cocktails. Chris interviews that he's not really a drinker, but that he's trying to keep up with Ace, who drinks for a living. Professional alcoholic, is he? He's like Sam Malone, the bar owner who likes to drink and loves the ladies. He kind of has Sam's hair in the early seasons of Cheers before the rug. Actually, Ace is more like Woody. Anyway, Chris drinks and drinks and drinks some more. Ace interviews that he's responsible for how much Chris drank, because he apparently poured it down his throat.
Chris, Christina, Ace, and Adam head to the train. Chris is really drunk already, and Christina has to hold him up. Ace interviews that he realized that Chris was a little too drunk. Chris walks down the street and yells that he's never been this drunk. Christina tries to hold him up, and she yells at Adam to take Chris's other arm as they stagger down the street. Ace interviews that Chris is either really funny or really obnoxious, and it's hard to help him walk because he's so big. They make the executive decision to take Chris home, and Chris doesn't really protest. Adam tries to help Chris walk across the street. Ace isn't helping at all. Then suddenly, one of the drivers is out of his car and yelling at them. What just happened? Ace yells back. Chris is ready to fight the driver, but Adam and Christina pull him out of the way. Ace is really pissed, and calls the guy a "French bastard" and insults his car. Ooh, I bet that dude was really upset by that insult. Good one. Ace interviews that he doesn't like France. I'm glad to see that he's written off an entire country after about a week. Ace yells that he hates French people. Christina tries to calm him down, but Ace just walks angrily down the street in his really out-of-style jacket like it's 1988. Because that's the last time I saw someone wearing that coat. Also, nice bottle of liquor in your back pocket, Cletus.
The morning, Chris staggers downstairs and says good morning to Christina. Chris interviews that Christina did a good job taking care of him. Chris says he feels badly about how he acted the night before. Christina forgives him. She interviews that everyone deserves to be taken care of once in a while. Chris mutters that Christina forgives him, but that everyone in France probably hates him. I wonder if Ace feels the same way?
A messenger drops off a package, which Leah picks up. She runs inside squealing that it's about their job. Simon tells her to open it. It's a travel book. She finds a letter inside from a dude named Brice, explaining that they are being hired to help write a new travel guide, and as part of it, they will be given French lessons. Mallory is psyched. Ace? Not so much.
The roommates head to their first meeting with Brice, but not before Eiffel Tower Sighting Onze. Mallory interviews that this is her first real job, so it's a big deal. The roommates sit around a conference table and meet Brice, the publishing director for Frommer's. He explains that Frommer's wants to create a new guidebook for the student-aged crowd. The roommates need to find the coolest bars and clubs in Paris and then write about them. Christina and Leah are both excited about it. Brice introduces David, who wrote another Paris book for Frommer's, and will be their local contact. David explains that it's really important that they learn French and get to understand the nuances of the culture. ACE! This is so aimed at him. Brice wants to hear what the roommates think of Paris so far. Ace says that he loves America and he doesn't like Paris or Parisians much. Ace says it's because he loves American culture, and also because he's out of his element in the big city. David points out that Ace is being pretty ethnocentric, which is only going to make any French people he meets feel defensive. Ace interviews that he doesn't know anything about French culture, and that he might be blaming the country for his own ignorance.
The roommates leave. Mallory and Leah chatter about how excited they are about their job. Ace says that he wants some American food. Adam says that he's only going to apologize to Leah once. Not really sure where that came from. Adam interviews that he shouldn't have blown up at Leah, and that it wasn't his place to talk about her chances with Ace. Ace tries to comfort Adam, but not in the manner Adam would like. Ace doesn't think there was much tension between Adam and Leah. Adam thinks it's mostly because Leah is excited about the job.
Chris and Christina play pool and flirt. Christina starts going off about how she likes her eggs again, like, could they just have sex already? She and Chris head down to the kitchen, and Chris asks her to show him how she likes her eggs. Christina makes her mostly egg white omelet. Chris interviews that Christina doesn't tell many guys how she likes her eggs, so she's giving him the way to her heart. I'm starting to feel like cooking an egg is a euphemism for something, but I really think they're just talking about eggs. Chris asks again whether Christina would rather have a guy who's "a good lay" or who can cook her eggs. Christina votes for the eggs. Chris eats the eggs and gives Christina a kiss on the cheek to thank her. Chris interviews that he's been practicing how to make that egg just in case he needs to know how.
And now it's time for the Return of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie on (where else?) Lifetime Movie Network called The Killing Secret. It starred Emma from Kate & Allie as a cheerleader with a quarterback boyfriend. I don't really remember the boyfriend's name, so I'm just going to call him Todd, because he was such a Todd. Anyway, Todd was (unbeknownst to Emma) having an affair with Punky Brewster, who was from the wrong side of the tracks and had to sew her own clothes with special fancy buttons that she found on discount at the thrift store. So I guess because Punky was poor, Todd knocked her up, and she said she wanted to keep the baby, but Todd was all rich and shit, so he wasn't having it, so he killed her at this warehouse owned by his rich dad and dumped her body in the lake. As you do. So Punky is reported as missing and Emma joins this stupid search party for her in the woods at, like, midnight! Why wouldn't they search during the day? I don't know. So then for really contrived reasons, Emma befriended Punky's mom, and then all of Emma's friends were pissed because she was friends with a middle-aged poor woman, I guess. And then Punky's body washes ashore during a beach graduation party attended by Emma and Todd and all of their rich friends. So Todd is the main suspect but the cops can't really arrest him because while they know he was doing it with Punky, and that she was pregnant when she died, they don't have any other physical evidence. And then some crazy street guy gets arrested for the crime and everything settles down. But then Emma sees a picture of Punky wearing a shirt with fancy buttons on it and she remembers that she found a fancy button on the floor of Todd's dad's warehouse one time right after Punky went missing, so she goes to the cops, but they won't listen to her. So she decides that she needs to go to the warehouse and C.S.I. the place herself, so of course Todd shows up and tries to kill her, but then Punky's mom shows up with the cops and saves Emma and Todd gets arrested. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Todd's dad was J. Peterman from Seinfeld, which only added to the awesome-osity.
Hee! They show Chris getting up in the morning and his hair is out of control. It's just a giant bouffant on top of his head. Leah interviews that it's their first day of French class, and that she's excited. The roommates head out. Ace interviews that he took two years of French in high school and didn't learn anything. Ace tries to teach Mallory and Leah some French phrases, and jokes that he wants to learn French slang instead of the textbook phrases. Baby steps, dude. The roommates meet their French instructor, Natalie. It's an immersion class, so she only speaks French to them. Natalie works on Mallory's pronunciation. Simon actually speaks a whole sentence in French. Ace tries to read some French but has trouble with the pronunciation. Everyone giggles and speaks French and then class is over. Yay! Ace interviews that he realizes that he's just being ignorant about France and he needs to learn more about it and look at it as a learning experience. He claims that he's not going to complain about it anymore.
After class, Ace decides to go sightseeing, so he heads to the Grande Arche de la Défense. Ace interviews that the city is really beautiful. Back at home, Ace tells everyone that he's a fan of the city now, because he realizes how great it is. The girls are happy to hear it. One of them notes that he's proclaiming his love for France as he eats McDonald's Chicken McNuggets. Ace says he's not used to the cuisine yet.
Chris and Ace head out to the hot tub with a giant tray of various types of liquor. Christina joins them, and whips off her robe to show off her bikini. Or, rather, what's inside her bikini. Chris interviews that Christina knows how great her body is, and that it's not fair that she uses it to mess with guy's heads. I was going to argue about how women's bodies were not just made for guys to objectify like that, but frankly that's exactly what Christina is doing. The three of them get all liquored up. Christina shows off the tattoo she has under her breasts. Classy. Ace interviews that Christina and Chris were kind of hooking up. So take the hint, dude! Leave. At one point, I think someone else was in the hot tub. Maybe Simon? It didn't look like Adam, and it was definitely a guy. Chris and Christina rub each other up and drink more wine, until they finally stumble into the house.
Chris puts Christina to bed. Christina interviews that Chris pretends he doesn't care, but she thinks he does. I find that relationships always work out really well when you just make up feelings for the other person. Christina asks Chris to cuddle up with her in the bed, and he does. Chris interviews that if he and Christina weren't roommates, he would "close the deal," but since they live together, he wants more than just "random sex." They get under the blankets and talk about the sound of their hearts beating. Seriously. That's what they were talking about. Meanwhile, Ace is out in the hot tub, possibly alone, and he drunkenly yells, "Vive la France!" Hee.
week: Ace has the hots for Mallory and they kiss, even though he has a girlfriend. Mallory is upset about "the process" and how it is exposing her. Mallory's mom gives her a guilt trip.