Previously on The Real World: Christina danced on a bar, much to her male roommates' delight. Leah wanted Ace. I thought we were done with that storyline? Ace thought he might be falling in love with Mallory, despite her apparent goiter problem. Christina and Chris "bonded" in the hot tub.
Eiffel Tower Shot Treize. Leah knocks on the shower door and asks Chris if he would mind not taking a long shower. Hey, they have a towel warmer! They have no right to complain about anything. I would kill for one of those. Although having an electrical appliance right to my shower would make me nervous. Leah bitches that she would really love to have some hot water. Chris says he never takes long showers, and Leah seems to disagree. In a confessional, Chris says that Leah always wants things done her way, and if you don't do what she wants, she just walks away and refuses to talk to you. ["Hey, that's just like a girl named Leah that I know." -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, Leah walks out of the bathroom, although I'm not sure if she was expected to stick around and argue with Chris over the shower or what. Leah interviews that Chris is "kind of a jerk" and loves to antagonize people. Chris announces that Leah is too late, because the hot water just ran out. If this were an ongoing problem, you'd think Leah would just take the earlier shower or something -- I mean, if Chris won't be a good roommate and shorten his shower length.
Leah goes back to bed and complains to Mallory and Simon that she hasn't had a hot shower since she's been there. Oh, come on. I refuse to believe that there was never a time when the hot water tank was full. Leah relays her conversation with Chris and adds that she doesn't want to hear his sarcasm first thing in the morning. Simon says that he pictures Chris as a pig. Simon interviews that Chris isn't very tactful and that they don't have anything in common. Leah says that they all know. They all know what? That he's a pig? Meanwhile, Chris is out of the shower and patting his belly while checking himself out in the mirror. Hee!
It's suddenly night. Mallory apologizes to Leah for the way she acted the night she lost Leah's purse. Leah forgives her. I thought she never forgave anyone? Kind of like how she always wears her pink ribbon for breast cancer that we haven't seen since that episode. Mallory says that she was "disrespectful" and "a disgusting person." Because she got drunk and flipped off the cameras? Maybe bratty, but not really disgusting. Mallory vows never to drink that much again in her life. Yeah, that'll last. What college freshman has not made that vow at some point, only to end up wasted again about two nights later? Mallory interviews that she gets ridiculous when she drinks, and regrets the things that she does. Mallory claims she doesn't remember kissing Ace. Ace interviews that Mallory's lying, and giggles. Mallory interviews that she's glad Ace considers their night together to be the best time he's had so far in France, because she does too. Ace says that he and Mallory shouldn't hang out together, because they get into trouble. Mallory says it's fine. Ace suggests that they hang out again the Friday night. Simon says that he's not going to let Ace play with Mallory again, and Adam adds that Ace has lost his Mallory privileges. Leah interviews that she's realizing that Mallory has "this huge crush on Ace" and won't tell her. Leah still doesn't seem that upset about it.
The roommates get ready to go out. Again. It's like all they do is get ready to go out, ride the train, get drunk, and hang out in the hot tub. Christina and Chris compare outfits. Apparently, they are going to the opening of a club. Ace puts on a tuxedo. Like, a regular tuxedo, not the blue one he wore last week. How many tuxedos did he pack, exactly? Is he going to bust out a white one week and then a top hat and tails a few weeks later? He could open his own Tuxedo Junction in Paris. Leah tells Ace that his hair looks "so cute" -- it's slicked back with gel instead of the usual little-boy look he sports. Chris tries to help Ace out with the hair. Chris is the last person I would let do my hair, by the way. I think I would let Adam do it before Chris. Leah takes pictures and then screeches at Chris to "stop hurting [Ace]!" Simon comes over and starts fussing with Ace's hair too. Leah bellows, "Just let Simon do it! Leave him aLONE! Stop touching his hair because you're just making it look bad." Oh my God! Take a Valium or something, Leah. Oy, with the screeching and the bellowing. She makes my ears hurt. Also, it would be difficult for Ace's hair to look worse than it usually does, so whatever. Ace goes into the bathroom to check out his new look. Chris defends his styling technique, and Leah bitches at him, "Yeah, you're always right, though. The most educated one in the house. You're always right." What? What does education have to do with hairstyling techniques? Like if she had said, "Your hair looks like a parabola, so who are you to style someone else's hair?," then that would make sense.
Chris chews on his lips and looks around the room and then says that he's leaving because everyone hates him. He walks out. Mallory asks what he said, and Leah snuggles with Simon and says that Chris finally figured out that they all hate him. Chris walks down the stairs and out the front door. Mallory, Simon, and Leah lie on the bed and gossip, their arms and legs thrown over each other, like, when did they all morph into fourteen-year-old girls? Chris walks alone to the front gate. Chris voice-overs that his roommates aren't even trying to get to know him, and that they just like to complain. Chris walks down the street. Ace and Christina hurry after him. Ace is wearing a hooded overcoat even though it doesn't appear to be raining. I guess it's part of his costume.
Simon, Leah, and Mallory stay home. Leah points out that someone stuck a piece of paper to the map she is holding with chewing gum, and says that they are "living with trailer trash." In an interview, Mallory says that everyone has issues with Chris, but that Leah is always bashing him. Simon says that he'd shave his head if he were Chris, and that Chris wouldn't look that bad with a shaved head. True. Leah says that Chris would also have to shave his forehead, because his eyebrows grow into his hairline. Mallory cackles. Aw, that was kind of mean. And not even that funny.
At the club, Christina dances all by herself. Chris, Adam, and Ace watch. When did Adam join them? Christina starts crawling along the ground, which is kind of gross, although if this is the opening of the club, maybe the floor isn't all gross and sticky yet. Chris holds up some cash and tells Christina to "come get it." Chris puts the money in his mouth and Christina acts like she's going to take it with her mouth, but then yells out that he is nuts. Chris interviews that Christina acts like one of the guys one minute and then tries to act like a good girl in the . So is this stripper dancing act being one of the guys or acting like a good girl? Chris continues to wave money and Christina yells, "I'm not a stripper." Chris jokes, "I believe you," and continues waving the money. Christina interviews that Chris is being inappropriate, and that she's let him know that, and yet he continues. How exactly did she let him know that? By laughing and saying she's not a stripper? Or by crawling on the floor? Or by continuing to dance by herself on a platform in front of the three guys? I'm not saying she shouldn't do that, but if you're a scantily clad woman dancing alone in front of three guys, don't be surprised if people think you look like a stripper. Chris gets up and dances his way toward the bar. Christina takes a swing at him, but laughs when he ducks out of the way. Yeah, I can't see why he thought she was kidding around.
Back at home, Christina sadly says that her peanut butter is gone. Chris yells that she should quit bitching, and points out that she drank "all [his] lick-ah." That's "liquor." Christina claims that she doesn't know what he's talking about. She keeps saying, "lickerrrrrrrr" and Chris says "lick-ah!" and it cracks me up how differently they pronounce that word. Christina very seriously tells Leah, "My crunchy peanut butter? Is not safe in this house." Like Chris fucked it or something. Ew. I just grossed myself out. Because maybe he did! Chris interviews that he feels justified in eating the peanut butter because Christina drank the champagne he bought. Christina tells Leah that she bought a lot of ham, and that her ham's gone. She says it with the tone of voice one would normally reserve for saying, "My savings are gone" or "My mother's antique ring is gone." It's ham. They'll make more. Just make Chris buy you some. Christina interviews that Chris is a nice guy, but that he doesn't have respect for his roommates or their things. Christina and Leah discuss how much money they've spent on groceries. Leah thinks that Chris thinks that, since he paid for martinis one night, he can eat whatever he wants. Christina concludes that she "can't be entitled to that for the rest of [her] time." I don't think that word means what she thinks it means. Christina then complains that Chris thinks he's entitled to everything. That's better. Christina interviews that Chris is going to have to change. Christina tells Leah that she's going to "have a blowout with the unmentioned food-eater."
Ace talks to his friend, Brad, on the phone. Brad asks about Ace's roommates. Ace immediately says that he kissed Mallory the other night. I hope Brad isn't friends with Kate. Ace says that it was just a drunken kiss, and not a hook-up. Ace interviews that he feels bad about kissing Mallory because of Kate. Ace tells Brad that he loves Kate to death, but that he doesn't want to look back on his time in Paris and have regrets. Ace interviews that he's wishy-washy, because some days he wants to marry Kate, and some days he just wants to have fun. If he really sees marrying Kate as the opposite of fun, then I don't think he should marry her. Also, doesn't Kate have any say in this matter? Maybe she doesn't want to marry him? Brad advises Ace just to live life to the fullest. In an interview, Ace explains the concept of "Ace on nine," which is reminiscent of a speech Puck gave one time, like, what kind of person likens his personality to a volume knob? Puck and Ace. Which are both dog names, now that I think of it. Anyway, Ace says he's "on nine" when he feels like himself and can be comfortable. Ace tells Brad that he needs to be "on nine" in France.
Mallory and Christina have a whispered conversation about Ace. I don't think they realize that there is a hidden camera right behind them. Mallory says that things are weird with Ace. Christina says that Ace flirts with everybody. Mallory doesn't want things to be weird with Leah. Mallory interviews that she wants to let Leah know what's up, but that she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Mallory tells Christina that she doesn't need a guy, except sometimes to fool around with. See, I really don't think Mallory realized she was on camera here. Mallory says she doesn't need the drama of a guy in her life.
Simon, Leah, and Chris are at work. They're discussing Mr. Miyagi, I swear to God. Actually, I think they're discussing a fashion designer with a name that sounds like Miyagi. ["Issey Miyake would be my guess." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Leah turns to Chris and whispers, "Clean your nose." Like, if he's got a booger hanging out, there are nicer ways to let him know. She's not his mom. She could just say his name to get his attention and then pointedly wipe her own nose. How did these people get this far in life without learning these social niceties? Or she could be like a friend of mine in high school, who used to just walk up to me and tilt his head back and go, "Do I have any cliffies?" I still don't know why he called visible boogers "cliffies." I'll have to ask him at the reunion. Anyway. Simon tries to continue the conversation. Leah is actually wearing her pink ribbon for once. Chris does something we don't see, and Leah watches him the whole time. Chris giggles and gets up, and Leah gasps and laughs. Simon asks what happened. Leah says that Chris just picked a huge booger out of his nose and ate it. Chris turns and says that he didn't eat it. Leah claims he did. Chris, who had been walking out of the room (to the bathroom?), turns and shows Leah that the booger is still on his finger. Leah starts retching and tells Chris not to come any closer. So of course, Chris starts chasing her around the room with the booger. Which I would totally do, since she's being such a fucking drama queen about it. She's also laughing part of the time, when she's not retching. Chris catches Leah in the hall, but refrains from actually wiping the booger on her shirt. Leah retches some more, which is totally fake. Chris runs off, and Leah says, "You repulse me." Oh, boo hoo. Cry about it. She clearly doesn't have any brothers. My brother's friends used to pull down their pants and fart on my head. One time one of them actually wiped his bare ass around on my head. I had to take a shower immediately. But I didn't retch, because I'm not a child, and I also know that the more grossed-out you act, the more they will continue to do it. Simon asks Leah if she's okay, and Leah says that Chris is vile.
Back at the house, Simon says that Chris is "so caveman." Leah says that it's difficult for her even to look at Chris. Mallory interviews that she's starting to feel bad for Chris because they all gang up on him. Christina says that she doesn't know if she's feeding off her roommates, but sometimes just the sound of Chris's voice annoys her. Who hasn't felt that way about a roommate at times, even one you like? Leah says that Chris is "so uneducated" that he won't understand anything. Come on. It's not like he dropped out of school in the fifth grade, right? Maybe he didn't go to college, but it's not like Leah has her doctorate in metaphysics. In conclusion, shut up, Leah.
The roommates take the train somewhere. This is definitely the same train ride they showed last week when Mallory and Simon discussed Ace. Christina tells Simon and Mallory that she's not going to say anything to Chris tonight because she's "not centered." Simon points out that Chris is standing nearby, and Christina says she doesn't care. In a confessional, Chris mumbles something about how he hears them talking about him. Christina says that she's about to pop something and she never does that. I don't know. I guess a rumble is brewing.
So now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie on (what else?) the Lifetime Movie Network called The Edge of Innocence starring Kellie "Becca Thatcher" Martin and James "Cyclops" Marsden. First of all, I loved this movie because every time I saw it on my list of recorded shows on my Tivo (or Ti-faux, because it's not actually a Tivo), I started singing, "I've been living on the edge of a broken heart! I don't wanna cry!" which is a song from the '80s by some chick rock band that I had all but forgotten. But anyway. In this movie, Becca was totally crazy and manic-depressive, except not really depressive but just manic, and really only manic in that she talked really fast and didn't wait for people to answer one question before she asked another. So she ran away from home and went to a carnival and rode the roller coaster because do you get it that the ups and downs of the roller coaster were like the ups and downs of her moods? So then she went on the Ferris Wheel and started hallucinating and climbed out of the car and then almost fell, so her mom sent her to the loony bin. And she met an anorexic girl named Ally, like this must be the general loony bin, because don't anorexics usually get put in a special eating disorder clinic? Or have my Lifetime movies led me astray? And there were other crazy kids there including Jamie Kennedy, who was gay, and Joshua Jackson, who had an imaginary friend, which was hilarious. But I don't think it was supposed to be. So Becca meets Cyclops, who isn't really crazy, but just bad and went to the loony bin to avoid juvie. So they fall in love and do it and then the authorities say that they can't be together until they leave the loony bin, and then they are both supposed to be released on the same day, like, what are the chances, and Cyclops gets into a fight with his hypocritical dad and doesn't get to leave. So then Cyclops pulls a knife and a bunch of the kids bust out together but two of them accidentally shoot a security guard so they go back and then Ally Anorexic gets caught when they are all running away, so she goes back. So Becca and Cyclops decide to go to Mexico, but Becca is now, like, ten days off her meds so she starts to get all crazy again, like, this movie wasn't that good when it was called Mad Love, so why make it again? So then I honestly don't remember how it ended but I think Becca threatened to kill herself again on the Ferris Wheel and Cyclops saved her and realized how sick she was, so he made her go back to the loony bin and promised to wait. Or possibly one of them died. I think I fell asleep after Josh Jackson wasn't on anymore. But the first hour was awesome. And another awesome thing you should watch is Made on MTV, because a new season just started and it is a great show.
Chris talks to his dad on the phone. Dad asks about the roommates. Are callers to the house required by law to ask that question? Chris says that "true colors are starting to come out a little." Chris interviews that if you have the love and support of your family, you can do anything. We see flashback footage of him hugging his mom and dad. Chris says he's been writing in his journal constantly to keep himself sane, and that he's trying to bend to meet his roommates. Well, we haven't really seen a lot of that. Chris says he senses tension building up, and that people are getting irritated with each other.
The roommates are all in the hot tub. This is another scene we saw part of last week. Mallory and Ace talk and Leah gives them the evil eye. Or she might have been looking at Chris. Or Adam. Leah interviews that Mallory hasn't said anything to her about Ace, and that she thinks Mallory is used to being the angelic virgin and doesn't want to admit that she has a crush on Ace. Everyone starts giving each other massages in the hot tub. Chris voice-overs that everyone was getting rubbed except him. You know what I mean. In a confessional, Chris says that he feels alone. Aw. He's gross, but I still kind of feel bad for him. Chris tells Christina to say if she doesn't like him. Christina says she'll talk to him about it at another time. Chris won't drop it. Christina interviews that Chris is aggressive with her. Chris says that he likes to get issues out on the table. Christina interviews that she's not good with confrontation, and that she likes to talk things to a resolution and not argue and bicker about them. We get a black and white flashback of Christina's Food Accusations. The crunchy peanut butter! It's not safe! The ham! Is gone! GONE! My god, man, the ham is gone! Why go on living? It was our last precious resource, and now it's gone. We might as well just pack it in. Heh. Christina tells Chris to bring it on right now. Chris says he doesn't want to fight. Christina says she wants to discuss it in the house. In a confessional, Chris says that he doesn't want to burn bridges, and that he wants to let people know that he's not a bad guy. Chris gets out of the hot tub.
Mallory and Simon snuggle in bed and discuss Ace. Again, they are using hidden camera footage, so I don't think Mallory knew she was being filmed. Simon asks if she wants to kiss Ace. Mallory whispers that she likes to snuggle with him, but that she doesn't want to kiss him. Simon doesn't believe her. Simon is actually brushing Mallory's hair. I wish I had someone to brush my hair. Not that I have long hair like Mallory's. It would just be nice. When I am rich, I am going to hire someone to wash my hair for my every day, and then do my eyebrows, and then brush my hair. And then fix me a turkey pot pie. And turn on the Lifetime Movie Network, which I will have purchased, and made them only play awesome movies, and no stupid crap based on Danielle Steel novels. Unless it's Daddy starring a young Ben Affleck and Patrick Duffy. That is acceptable. But no other Danielle Steel. Anyway. Simon interviews that Mallory is apprehensive to tell Leah about her feelings for Ace. Mallory says she doesn't want to hurt Leah's feelings. Mallory interviews that she wouldn't be upset if Leah kissed Ace now, but that Leah does take things personally. Mallory tells Simon that she wouldn't act on her feelings for Ace, even if she had some. In an interview, Mallory says that she doesn't want to deceive Leah in any way.
Mallory goes into the bathroom, where Leah apparently finally got to take a hot shower, since she's in a towel. Leah asks Mallory whether she kissed Ace. Mallory admits that she did. Leah wants more details. Mallory says that they only kissed once, which I totally don't buy, and plus I thought Mallory didn't remember it. Leah asks whether Ace is a good kisser. Mallory says that he is, so she's either lying about his kissing ability, or lying about her memory. Mallory thought Leah kissed Ace, and Leah says that she would have told everyone if she had. Sometimes I like Leah, but sometimes I hate her. She just needs to grow up a little bit. Leah interviews that she really doesn't care that Mallory has a crush on Ace. As I said last week. Mallory interviews that she's glad everything is out in the open, so that she can figure out how she really feels about Ace. Mallory says she feels a lot better.
Christina asks Chris if he wants to talk about what was said in the hot tub. Chris agrees, but continues to play pool instead of stopping and showing that he's paying attention. Christina says that she's not angry and she's not attacking him. She asks him to stay still. Christina interviews that Chris doesn't seem to respect what she's saying, and that it's like talking to a wall. Christina says that everyone needs to help in cleaning the kitchen. But what about the ham? When will she get to the ham? And the peanut butter? Christina bitches at Chris for saying that he'll only pick up after himself, because it isolates him from the group. Chris disagrees. Christina brings up the peanut butter, claiming that she witnessed Chris finishing it off, and that she had only had two scoops of it. Dude ate a whole jar of peanut butter? Doubtful. Chris says that he wasn't the only one eating it. Thank you. Christina doesn't seem to hear this, and moves on to how Chris assumes that his roommates will buy things for him. The camera pans over to reveal Leah and Simon totally listening in outside the room. Okay, I would totally do that too. Chris asks whether Christina wants him to start pulling out receipts for what they each paid for. He seems to be trying to say that they just have to assume it will all even out in the end, but Christina doesn't seem to listen, and Chris is not that great at expressing himself verbally. Christina asks whether he feels "entitled to the fact that [he] bought them alcohol for one night." Again, she might want to learn what "entitled" means. Christina feels taken advantage of. In a confessional, Chris wonders what Christina wants from him. Chris asks Christina if she wants chocolate and flowers. Huh? Leah and Simon look at each other and crack up. Chris asks what it's going to take to make Christina feel better. She says she feels like she's talking to a wall. Chris asks what he can do. He agrees to try more, and try harder, and admits that he should have asked her permission to eat her food. Chris says he won't leave his stuff around, and says that Christina doesn't have to pick up after anyone else either. Leah whispers to Simon, "That's true." Chris asks Christina for a kiss. They hug. Christina voice-overs that she's happy they talked and that she hopes things will get better.
The camera pans across a very dirty kitchen. Chris and Adam clean it up. In a confessional, Christina hopes that there is some resolution out of their talk. Chris voice-overs that he's trying hard, and that they'll see what happens. In an interview, Leah says that nothing Chris does is genuine. She says he apologizes and doesn't mean it. The kitchen looks great, though. So at least he did that.
week: Adam tries to pick up a lot of chicks, and Leah thinks there's something behind it. The roommates get a difficult work assignment, and (surprise!) are worried that they won't get it done.