Telling Stories

Previously on The Real World: The roommates found out that they would be acting out stories for the Chicago Halloween celebration. Well, anything that involves "acting out" should be a snap for these kids. CJP is psyched, because she was a theater major in college. Why am I not surprised that she was part of the drama department? The roommates, minus Tonya, went to New England to scout out some haunted sites. In an interview, Theo was not sad that Tonya couldn't join them due to "doctor's orders" (i.e. Justin's visit). The roommates sang a very funny song about Tonya and Chris laughed and laughed. In an interview, Theo says that Tonya doesn't know how everyone else feels about her, but that she will find out. Hey, we've never seen that interview before! Bitches.

The apartment is empty, empty, empty. Except for Tonya. Whose head is empty, empty, empty. In an interview, Tonya says she's excited to be by herself because she really hasn't made a connection with her roommates. Because they don't believe her lies. We see Tonya make the bed and brush her teeth as she voice-overs that she has a hard time connecting with people because she was in foster care. Wait, Tonya was in foster care? Why hasn't this come up already this season? Oh, wait. It has. And we know. And we. GET IT. God. In an interview, Tonya says that she wants to be able to have deep relationships with people, but she's afraid to get attached in case she loses them, just like she lost her mom and her brothers and sisters. Hey, wait. She said in the Real World book that she doesn't have any brothers and sisters. If she has biological siblings, even if she doesn't live with them or have contact with them, they are still her brothers and sisters, right? Liar. Also? Tonya is very shiny in that interview, like get some powder already.

In Boston, the other roommates go to a costume shop to pick out some masks and costumes for their performance. Im not sure what the point of that little vignette was, unless it was to show off Kyle's mask, which resembled The Host from Angel, except red.

Back in Chicago, Tonya goes to work. No, really. Not to her waitressing job. The parks job. When she arrives, she apologizes for being late because she got lost on the El train. Of course, if she has really been going to work all along, she would know how to get there, right? Tonya and Lara (the boss) look over lists of the items they still need for the performance. In an interview, Tonya says that this will be a lot of work in a short period of time, and she hopes they can pull it off. Wow, where have I seen this "we have so much work to do and I don't know if we'll get it done in time" thing before? Oh, that's right. In Seattle, with the radio show. In Hawaii, with the talent show. In New Orleans, with the cable show. In New York, with the presentation to the KROCK DJs. And now in Chicago. Could we give this storyline a rest already? Please? It's tired and it wants a rest. Tonya sits down and starts working really hard. By making a list of things to do instead of actually doing them.

In Boston, the other roommates go to Spooky World, which Keri voice-overs is "a world of spooks." Heh. It's like a combination haunted house/amusement park. Oh my God! And it's run by New Orleans Julie's dad! Seriously, the guy who runs it looks just like him, right down to the creepy glasses and combover. The roommates go through a haunted house which, in the lights of the cameras, seems more cheesy than scary. But there are a lot of clowns, which are scary. And things jump out at you, and you get blasted with air, which would be scary if you were there. But not so scary to watch. In an interview, Kyle talks about how inspiring the haunted house is. I'm so sure that the roommates, with their incompetency and their limited budget, could pull off something like that haunted house. Did they see the cable access show in New Orleans, and how cheap it looked? If not, maybe they could borrow a tape from Julie's dad. I mean, he's right there.

, the roommates head up to Maine and sail on a boat. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be spooky. They all bond on the boat and hug and take pictures and go to a really nice hotel. While checking in, Kyle gets a message from Tonya to call him about props for the performance. In an interview, CJP says that she hasn't talked to Tonya on the phone, but it sounds like she's getting work done. In his room, Kyle comments that he has to call "Walls," and that it's sad that none of them have talked to her. Oh, Kyle. You're so sensitive. In an interview, Kyle says that he knows the group wouldn't have gotten along as well if Tonya had been on the trip. Chris answers the phone and Tonya baby-talks him for a while. In an interview, Chris says that Tonya is missing out and feels left out.

Down the hall, CJP, Aneesa, and Theo talk about Tonya. CJP says that she only protects Tonya because someone has to. Tonya is in charge of protecting herself. No one else has to. CJP feels guilty because she thinks that Tonya likes her a lot. In an interview, CJP says that Tonya has "a lot of wonderful characteristics." She thinks, but doesnt say, "I can't think of any right now, but I'll get back to you." CJP does add that she would never choose Tonya as a friend. Aneesa says that Tonya is the odd one out in their situation, and that Tonya chooses that.

Back in Chicago, they must have let the artsy editor do this segment, because it's shots of Tonya driving the van and looking like she can't find her turn intercut with trains rushing by and interview footage. In an interview, Tonya says that she's very disappointed in her roommates, and that most of them are very superficial. Says the girl with the fake boobies and the boyfriend who goes to a tanning bed. Flashback to Theo telling Tonya off in the van, and revealing that everyone else talks shit behind Tonya's back. In an interview, Tonya says that she knew that her roommates would talk behind her back, and she should have been prepared for that. She vows not to let them know anything else about her so that they can just use it against her. For, like, one second there, I felt a little bit bad for Tonya. I mean, it does suck to be the odd one out, even if it's largely your own fault. And the girl obviously has problems. But don't worry. I'll get over it during the commercial break.

The roommates return to Chicago and express how happy they are to be back. CJP says that she feels overwhelmed by how much they have to get done in the five days for their performance. In an interview, Kyle calls it "crunch time," like, shut up, Kyle.

The roommates arrive back at the loft and pretend they're excited to see Tonya. In an interview, CJP says that she's nervous to see Tonya because she's been having a great time without her. Tonya is the toxic roommate. I think everyone who has lived in a roommate-type situation has had at least one -- that person who you don't realize is such a pain until he or she is gone for a few days, and things are so much better. That's Tonya. In an interview, CJP talks about how excited Tonya is to see them, so she must have been lonely. In an interview, Tonya says that she's had enough time alone. But it's the same interview footage from earlier, where she was talking about how disappointed she is in her roommates, so I don't know why she would miss them. Unless she's a liar. Tonya and CJP discuss how much stuff they have to do for their performance. CJP promises that she is aware, and will worry about it and take care of it. In an interview, CJP says that she knows she can be a good director, but that it's hard to work with friends.

More trains going through tunnels. Lora and Kim, the park bosses, meet with the roommates. Lora tells them that the roommates will need to make a presentation the day to some people from the Mayor's Office to explain what they will be doing at their performance. Way to give them a lot of notice about this presentation. Kim wears waaaaay too much makeup and unfortunately looks like that lady in Florida who was a friend of the Bushes and was involved in that whole election fiasco -- Katherine Harris. Kim says that they will need to explain about the costumes and the props and it seems to me like Aneesa is looking around like, "Costumes? Props? Shit." In an interview, CJP says that she's nervous to boss her roommates around. See, I can't relate to that. I love bossing people around.

The roommates have a rehearsal at the loft. CJP tells everyone to take their places, and bitches at Aneesa to get off the couch. In an interview, Theo says that CJP is more stressed than anyone, because she has to bring it all together. Theo also thinks that the rehearsal is tiresome, and we see a shot of him hitching up his pants and yawning. Keri starts reading, since she is apparently the narrator. CJP gives her some suggestions about intonation which totally made sense to me, because Keri was speaking in a monotone. Keri starts up again, using the same intonation, but CJP says it's better. Cut to Aneesa, in the role of a ghost, threatening Theo, who is playing a little boy. Except it comes off as more like Aneesa, in the role of a slut, seducing Theo, in the role of a...male slut. Damn, those two have a lot of chemistry together. Especially considering that Aneesa is a lesbian and all. CJP advises them, "Less flirty, less sexual, and Theo, less like you're hitting on her in a club." They do it again, and it still seems sexy to me, but CJP likes it.

In an interview, Tonya says that she feels like she doesn't have as much to offer, because she's never done any sort of acting. Except for every day of her life! It's too bad the play isn't about foster care and kidney infections. Actually, that would probably be a scarier play. I think Tonya is supposed to be a ghost too, but she's just awful. She reads the lines like you would read a poem in front of the class in third grade. CJP asks her to try it again "less hokey." CJP's brilliant directions are "like a ghost." Oh, that makes sense. Tonya does it again, but this time she's a patronizing ghost, talking to Theo like he's one of the kids in the rec program. CJP tells Tonya to "cheat out" and Tonya doesn't know what that means, and I can't blame her for that. Everything else maybe, but not that. In an interview, Tonya says that acting isn't her thing, but she's doing it because it's her job. Tonya delivers her lines again, and she's still just awful. The editors really hate her, since they showed her practice three times.

Tonya eats an artichoke and offers some to Chris, who accepts. Chris announces that he needs to "make an amends" to her, which is totally a twelve-step thing. Although I thought it was one of the earlier steps. I guess I could look it up. I just thought Chris would be past that now. In an interview, Chris says he's learning to be accountable. Anyway, Chris tells Tonya that in the past, he has been caught up in the shit-talking about Tonya. Chris clarifies that he wasn't really saying things, but he also didn't tell anyone to stop. Tonya is so not interested in Chris's apology, and instead digs for details about who was saying what, which Chris won't give. In an interview, Chris says that Tonya has trust issues. In an interview, Tonya says the same thing. Chris tries to backpedal a bit and explain that this isn't about other people; it's about him. But what Tonya heard was, "The roommates are talking shit about you." Chris vows that he will stick up for her in the future. In an interview, Chris calls shit-talking "high school behavior," but it's how the roommates bonded. You can't throw seven people in a loft together and not expect them to talk about each other. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying it's going to happen. It happens in school. It happens in the office. It happens in families. It's inevitable. Which is, frankly, what the producers count on.

Kyle, Keri, and CJP lie in bed and joke about Tonya's multiple kidney infections, and how much sex Tonya has. The editors throw in some footage of Tonya in the bathroom, to try to make it look like she overheard them talking, which I totally don't buy. CJP says that Tonya's breasts are "huge, saline, and tan." Is that an insult? In an interview, Tonya says that she's sad that she can't trust people, and that she told CJP that she had "breast enhancements," and she knew she shouldn't have. Does she really think that if she hadn't admitted it, no one could tell? I think people on the forums were speculating about that after the first episode. Also, "enhancements"? I would have so much more respect for her if she would just be like, "Yep, I got me some fake boobies. The best boobies money can buy." Because, whatever. I think it's dumb, and buying into the beauty myth, and a waste of money. But I would have a lot more respect for someone who just flat-out admits it rather than tries to hide it. In an interview, Tonya says that CJP's shit-talking is "brutal, cruel, and unfair." Wait, wait. Here's the best part: "I think it stems from the fact that every woman that I live with is very jealous of me." Jealous! Of her! And that's why they talk about her! It's not because she's fucking loony, or a hypochondriac, or an attention-whore, or a liar. It's because they're jealous. That's fucking classic.

How ironic. I just stopped the tape and the TV was on Lifetime. Shut up, I was watching Mad About You. I said, shut up! Anyway, there was a commercial for Botox. Which you might need if you've "lost your wow."

The roommates arrive at a conference room to give their final presentation to the people from the Mayor's Office. Wouldn't it be cool if it was like the Mayor from Buffy and he had a box of spiders? That would certainly make this scene a lot more interesting. As it stands, the roommates talk and the people ask a few questions and it's all very boring. Aneesa goes into a lot of detail about the makeup which is really boring. CJP has to tie it all together, which is really boring. Tonya works on the boring costumes and Chris and Theo work on the boring sets. The only important thing is that Tonya says that they can't really work out their lighting issues until they get to see the tent where the performances will take place. Lora says that the tent is actually up and available today, so they should all go take a look at it. I think I need a nap.

Four cups of strong coffee later, I move on to the scene. It's raining. The roommates find their tent, and it's a bit less than they were envisioning. It's a tent. I don't know what they were expecting. Maybe they thought Hildi would come in and put magenta, taupe, magenta, taupe, all around the room. They're discouraged by the lack of size, and the crap stored inside, and the one lightbulb. Kyle claims that he pitches bigger tents than that "with [his] morning wood." Kyle, we have all seen your wood, and no, you don't. CJP needs to "feel the space." Tonya thinks they should do their work at home, but CJP says they'll be working in the tent, "whether [they] like it or not." And then that threat is never paid off, at least not in this episode.

Tonya whines to Justin on the phone about how people pick her apart and Justin thinks it's "crap." Maybe he should come and give Theo a stern talking-to like he did last week. Tonya tells Justin that she doesn't want to lie anymore. Unless it's about her pimp Darren, in which case she will lie until the cows come home. In an interview, Tonya says that she fights her instinct to lie, and claims that it's a defense mechanism to prevent people from getting close. Tonya tells Justin about CJP and the breast-implants leak. I mean, not that her breast implants are leaking. That CJP leaked the "news" of Tonya's breast implants. Anyway, Tonya claims that she only told CJP to help her with her insecurities. Flashback to a scene we've never seen before, where Tonya assures CJP that she doesn't need breast implants, but that if she wants them, Tonya can tell her about them. In the scene, CJP is sitting topless on her bed, cupping her naked breasts, and when Tonya says that CJP is gorgeous, CJP gets the biggest grin on her face like, "Validate me! Prove that I am worth something! Fuck me! Oh, wait -- you're not a dude. Okay, validate me!" Seriously, both of those women are just sad. Tonya tells Justin that she is happy with her breast implants. In an interview, Tonya says that she doesn't regret getting them, because it boosted her confidence and helped with her eating disorder. How did that help with her eating disorder? Man, I just don't understand how her mind works. Tonya tells Justin that she got too close to CJP. In an interview, Tonya cries that she got close to CJP because they both have eating disorders. Tonya further claims that she just didn't want CJP to put her on a pedestal. Wait, what? CJP puts Tonya on a pedestal. Yeah, because you usually talk shit about people that you worship.