Previously on The Real World: the roommates found out that their job involves putting on a play at the Chicago Halloween festival. Then they found out that there were going to Salem, Massachusetts to do research for their play. Wait, when did they find that out? Would it have killed them just to slip that in at the beginning of the episode instead of putting it in the "previously" section? God, that annoys me. Chris pointed out that Tonya is "really high-maintenance" and "needs attention." Unlike 80% of past RW cast members, who were easygoing and practically hid from the cameras. Theo yelled at Tonya and scared her so much that she threw a glass, which I still don't understand. Kyle gave Theo a little lecture about how he needs to treat Tonya, and Theo was all, "Shut up, Dunston. (tm Poly) I do what I please, and I please to do what I do." Theo thought Chris's flower arrangement was "too gay," and he hates the gays.
An ambulance screams down the street. Is Tonya going to the hospital again? No, she's going to visit her roommates at work. In an interview, Tonya says that she hasn't seen much of the roommates this week because they've been working and she's been too sick to go to work. Tonya finds CJP, who explains that the roommates are scattered all over the building. Their new offices are nice! I mean, they're still cubicles, but they're pretty spacious. Tonya says in a tiny little voice that she came to talk to everyone, because she's not going to be able to go to Salem, because her doctor told her not to. Does she have a note or something? Because I'm not buying it. Tonya continues, "I just want everyone to know, this is not because Justin was supposed to come or anything." Oh, yeah. Right. Given how much she hates her roommates and looooooves her gay boyfriend Justin, I'm sure that has nothing to do with it. She wasn't too sick to work while the others were in St. Louis and now suddenly, she's so sick that she can't go to Salem, and it just happens to be when Justin is visiting? Uh huh. Tell me another one, kidney girl. CJP gives Tonya a big hug, and Tonya rolls her eyes and then smiles, probably relieved to have gotten another lie out of the way.
SpongeKyle Squarehead voice-overs that Tonya isn't going on the trip, and will be separated from their "tight little pack." I've heard that Kyle likes a tight little pack. I don't know what that means, but it cracked me up for some reason. Kyle adds that Tonya is going to stay in Chicago with Justin, who has "ironically, suddenly shown up to be with her." Well, it's not all that ironic, except maybe in the Alanis sense. Kyle, Theo, and Aneesa are sitting around doodling and coloring with markers. What is that, kindergarten? What kind of job is that supposed to be, exactly? Meanwhile, instead of just going home, Tonya has to milk every last drop of drama out of the situation, so she curls up on the floor and "sleeps" to a desk. Oh, spare me. ["Where have I seen that kind of thing before in a Real World bid for attention? Oh, riiiiiiiiiiiight." -- Wing Chun]
In an interview, Chris explains that part of their job is to go through New England and look at some haunted sites. Since when does New England have a monopoly on haunted sites? Keri looks at a website called "Spooky World." At least she's not coloring by number like Kyle. Chris says that he's looking forward to bringing his roommates to Boston, his hometown. I think I would like Chris a lot better if he were from Southie, like Drama David from Seattle. Chris tells the others that they are going to a '70s party at his friend George's house. Apparently, this George spells his name the regular way. Keri asks if they need '70s clothes, and Theo says that he's going to get "pimped out." Theo asks if there will be women at the party. Chris says that there will, but there will also be gay guys. Theo says that's fine with him.
Chris and Theo talk about Tonya outside. Chris says that as soon as he found out Tonya wasn't going on vacation, he figured that she was either going home, or Justin was coming to visit. Theo says that he knows that Tonya doesn't feel well, but that they have a job to do. Theo characterizes the situation as "shaky," which is an interesting variant of "shady."
In the van, Kyle starts singing a song composed of the phrase that Justin always uses when he leaves voice mail for Tonya: "This message is for Tonya. Hey, baby, it's Justin." Chris is driving and laughing so hard that I'm worried he might get in an accident. Keri and Aneesa join in the song. Kyle sings, "I cannot go to wooooooork! I can't go on the triiiiiiiip!" Keri starts singing, "Tonya Tonya Tonya Tonya," while Aneesa chimes in "Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin." Over it all, Kyle adds, "Kidney stones and kidney stones and not on the phone and not on the phone and Justin's coming, Justin's coming, I can't go and I can't go, Walla Walla kidney stones, got out of work, can't go on the trip." Aneesa switches to singing, "Stones, stones, stones, stones, blood, blood, blood, blood!" The whole thing builds à la "Bohemian Rhapsody" until it ends with all of them singing at the top of their lungs. Fucking hilarious. Mean, but hilarious. I wish that was the theme song for this season instead of that City High crap.
The roommates get ready to go to work. In an interview, Tonya says that "getting to work on time is an issue every single morning." I thought she didn't go to work, ever? CJP wakes up Aneesa, who doesn't look like she's about to hop out of bed and be ready any time soon. Tonya walks over and picks up the phone, because she has two spare seconds. Justin sounds like such a girl on the phone. It's not as bad in person, but between the tanning and the voice, he just puts off a very effeminate vibe. Justin tells Tonya that he gets into O'Hare that afternoon. Theo is still asleep, and Aneesa wakes him up. Theo stretches and says, "This job sucks." I am so Theo in the morning. And in the afternoon, frankly. I don't get going until about 6 PM. The other roommates all walk out. In an interview, Tonya says that they all "got enough balls" to say that they were just leaving. Why does that take balls? Why should they all be late because Aneesa and Theo can't get out of bed? I've been known to be late, but I would never expect others to wait up for me. Keri, Tonya, and CJP head down in the elevator, and Theo is just getting dressed. Where are Kyle and Chris? Who knows? Aneesa walks out and takes a last few drags on her cigarette before getting in the van. Theo looks grouchy.
With everyone in the van, Theo says he doesn't think it's fair that they wait for everyone else, but when it's him or Aneesa, no one waits. Didn't they just wait? What is he complaining about? Also, throughout his speech, Theo is making air quotes, which should not be allowed unless they are used ironically, and that's even cutting it close. And also, his fingers like come to a point at the end, and it freaks me out, and I'm so distracted by his creepy sharp fingers that I had to rewind it ten times to hear what he said. Tonya says that they won't play favorites, but they're still going to leave on time. Theo tells Tonya to be quiet, which is immature, but whatever. Tonya says that she can talk just like everyone else. See, that was her fatal error. Theo is grouchy, and annoyed, and she should have just shut up. Yes, she's allowed to talk. But why push it? Who cares?
Theo asks Tonya to please shut up, and be quiet, and Tonya bitches, "No!" Tonya says that it's not about her; it's about Theo not getting up for work on time. Theo says that he's going to "go straight to the source," and talk about Tonya's work, and her sickness, and how she's not getting the job done. Theo also thinks she's not going on the trip so that she can get her "bones boned." I don't understand a word he is saying. Well, I understand that he thinks Tonya's a slacker and just wants to get laid, but the rest of it doesn't compute. Suddenly, Chris is there. Where did he come from? Tonya tells Theo that he has no right to say these things, because he hasn't been in the hospital with her, and the doctor told her that she can't go on the trip. While Tonya talks, Theo just keeps right on talking too, and when she finishes, he tells her to go ahead and cry so that people will feel sorry for her. Whoa! What crawled up Theo's ass this morning? I don't know, but I like it! Yeah! Drama! Woohoo! Tonya starts crying and pleads, "Can someone make him stop?" Um, why don't you? If she would just shut up, he would, too. CJP finally tells Theo to stop, but the rest of the roommates have been very silent throughout this scene, probably because they agreed with Theo but didn't have the balls to say it. Keri tells Theo that he's looking like a baby. Theo points out that he's just saying what everyone else says behind Tonya's back. Tonya cries that everyone talks about her behind her back, and asks if they need to have it out. Yes, please. CJP tells Theo that it's one thing to be honest, but it's another to be insulting. Tonya shrieks that she can't believe Theo thinks she's staying home to "bone Justin," and that it's an inappropriate thing to say. Aneesa and Chris are both so pointedly looking out the window to avoid this whole débacle that it cracks me up. Theo thinks that Justin's trip came out of nowhere. Keri points out that Tonya has been sick for five months, and Tonya yells that she's been in the hospital, and that Theo is out of line. Theo says that he'll drop it, but that she knows what he's saying. Tonya stares out the window and sobs.
When they get to work, CJP gives Theo a little lecture about how to talk to Tonya. CJP wants Theo to be gentle with his words. Okay, except for the boning part, I didn't see what he said that was so upsetting, especially if Tonya claims it's not true. She would only get that upset if she was lying, and he busted her. Theo is angry that there are things he's not allowed to say to Tonya. CJP tells Theo that he doesn't understand. Meanwhile, Tonya tells Chris that she doesn't need this, and she doesn't need to "live with a black guy who's going to call [her] a bitch every time he feels it's necessary." Interesting that she called Theo "a black guy," isn't it? Not just "a guy" or even "a jerk" or "a dicksmack." No, "a black guy." That was also so the scene where Tonya says, "I'm going back to Walla Walla" in the previews for the season, but they didn't show that line. Bitches. That's my favorite.
Tonya picks Justin up at the airport. For someone who spends so much time in a tanning bed that he takes his phone calls there, he doesn't look that tan. They're all smoochy smoochy and I'm all pukey pukey. In an interview, Tonya says that Justin's presence was comforting. On the El, Tonya tells Justin about her fight with Theo. Tonya says that she wishes she hadn't let Theo get to her, but he was "in that closed van, sitting right to [her], yelling at [her]." Okay, he wasn't really yelling. Then, Tonya claims that Theo was "totally in [her] face," which he so wasn't. He was looking straight ahead the whole time, and never so much as leaned on her. In an interview, Tonya says that Justin "likes to take care of women," and gets upset when he can't control a situation. At Justin's hotel, Tonya says that she's avoiding taking him back to the house because she doesn't want him to have words with Theo. So, what she's really saying is, "I really wish you would talk to Theo, but I don't want to make it out like I'm asking you to, but if you were a man, you would." Note: I am not saying that Justin is any less of a man for letting Tonya fight her own fucking battles -- I'm just trying to represent Tonya's train of thought. Justin says that he's pissed at Theo, and will have words. Tonya says that she wants him to, but she doesn't want things to get worse for her. Of course, she doesn't care if Theo beats Justin's ass.
At the loft, Justin is walking down the hall and Theo walks up behind him and pinches his arm. I don't know what that was about. Justin turns and smiles and slowly shakes his head. Theo shakes his head in response. The music is all tense guitars. Justin chomps on his gum like a cow. Theo says that he can't help it if Justin has a problem with him. Justin says, in a totally normal voice, "Are you surprised?" I don't know why his voice sounds so girly on the phone. Maybe that's his baby-talk voice with Tonya. Theo says that Justin is just doing what a boyfriend is supposed to do. I would be so fucking pissed if my boyfriend tried to fight my battles for me. He should agree with me, and back me up, and support me, but I think I can fight my own battles. Theo says that if Justin wants to talk to him one-on-one, that's fine. Theo walks into his room. Justin thinks over the fact that he's on national television, and that if he walks away, every time he walks into the local watering hole, someone will put "Coward of the County" on the jukebox and then when he goes to leave, they will all sing, "Hey, look old yeller's leaving!" And you could have heard a pin drop when Justin stopped to block the door.
Justin walks slowly into Theo's room. Kyle and Aneesa are totally standing outside the room, listening. Theo says that he and Tonya were friends at first, and then they had their "fallout." Theo does air quotes again. Enough with the air quotes! What is he, that girl from Say Anything... who's all "Diane Court, whoa"? ["I always heard that as 'Diane Court woe.' Huh." -- Wing Chun] Theo says that if he doesn't like someone, he will tell that person. Kyle voice-overs that he's standing outside listening not because he's nosy, but because he will need to go and pull Justin off Theo if a fight breaks out. I'm so sure that punches will be thrown. Nice try, Nosy Parker. Theo admits that he and Tonya both blew things out of proportion. Justin nervously chomps his gum and says that he has a problem with "the language being used." He adds that maybe "where [Theo] comes from," that's the language that is used. Yeah, because Theo is from the ghetto. Except he's not. Justin says that where he comes from, they don't use that language. No one in Walla Walla swears, ever? I somehow doubt that. Theo says, "Yesterday morning, she was acting like a bitch. Simple and plain." Heh. Theo says that everyone goes through things that make them stronger. Justin points out that Tonya has been in positions where she's had to worry about her physical safety. Like what positions? Everyone always alludes to Tonya's past, which has caused her to have issues with men, but we've never heard the details. And it's her life, so she doesn't have to give them, but if she's going to keep using it as an explanation, it would help to know what in the hell she's talking about. In an interview, Theo says that he wasn't trying to dredge up bad memories for Tonya, but he also wasn't going to hold his tongue. Nor should he. Although I'm still not entirely sure why he got so upset in the first place, except that he was in a bad mood. Justin and Theo shake hands, and Justin asks Theo not to threaten Tonya. Theo says that he never did. Justin says that Theo knows when it goes too far, and throws in a bunch of other crap about how girls are easily threatened by big strong men. Please. They were in a van. With their roommates. It's not like Tonya was walking alone at night in an alley, and Theo started yelling at her. What did she think was going to happen? Justin tells Theo to limit his interactions with Tonya, and Theo says that he definitely will.
Justin goes out and reports to Tonya that she and Theo "just need to quit talking to each other." Tonya snarks that she doesn't talk to Theo, and that she hasn't since the first time he yelled at her, which isn't exactly true. In an interview, Tonya says that her fear of Theo comes from a negative experience with men. And yet, she doesn't seem to have a problem with Kyle, or Chris, or Justin. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with Theo being black. Tonya says that she's still not going to let Theo just yell at her, and Justin says that he knows.
The roommates (minus Tonya and Justin) head downstairs to catch their airport shuttle to go to Boston. Tonya is too sick to go to work, or Boston, and yet she's fine to stroll down the street hand-in-hand with Justin while her roommates take off. Suddenly, a plane appears, and now the roommates are in Boston. In an interview, Chris says that it's strange to be back in Boston with his roommates. They arrive at their hotel, and check in. Wow, this is fascinating. I hope we get to see Aneesa stealing the shower cap and little bottles of shampoo, and CJP reading the room service menu but not ordering anything. They arrive in their suite, and Kyle says that it has class. Theo runs around like a little kid. Kyle is psyched to see a bathtub. CJP is psyched to see fruit. Chris immediately calls the single room, probably so he doesn't have to deal with his roommates' annoying habit of saying "classy" all the time.
Back in Chicago, Tonya is lying in bed, resting. Not! Tonya calls her "friend" Darren, and asks how much money he's sending her tomorrow. Tonya speaks in the same voice I used to use when I called in fake sick to work, except even faker. She's acting like it hurts her even to speak. Darren wonders why Tonya needs to know the amount, and Tonya says that she has to turn in $50 for her phone bill, and she needs groceries. The phone bill is due while her roommates are all out of town? That seems shady, and like something they would have paid before leaving town. In an interview, Tonya says that Darren keeps all of her finances in order on his computer. Wow, that's not too weird. Tonya, it's called Quicken. Look into it. I think Darren is her secret sugar daddy that Justin doesn't know about. Tonya says that she needs Darren to send $100, and then whines that she doesn't like being there by herself. Darren asks if she's really alone, and Tonya says that she is, and then the genius editors cut to a shot of Justin, totally sitting at the computer while Tonya claims to be all alone. Ha! And then the genius editors throw in an interview clip of Tonya saying, "Lying, for me, stems way back to my childhood. I learned to be very good at making people hear what I thought they wanted to hear." Wow, they hate her. But ha! Darren tells Tonya that "they" are all worried about her, and that she should call when she can. Tonya says that she will, and hangs up. I am so suspicious about this Darren story. He's a photographer, and she worked for him? And he handles her money? More like he's her pimp, and he gives her money when she needs it, or he'll hit her with his sneaker.
Tonya and Justin start making out. In an interview, Tonya says that if she were really following doctor's orders, she would not be intimate with Justin, but she's very physically attracted to him. So screw her hospital bills! You'd think that even if Tonya were willing to endanger her own health, Justin would refuse to have sex with her if he really cared about her. Then again, if he can't have sex with her, what's he going to do? Talk to her? No, thanks. In the night-vision cam, we see Tonya and Justin getting under the sheets in their underwear. Yeah, but the roommates had no idea that those cameras were filming. And yet Tonya and Justin, who are completely alone in the apartment, pulled the sheets entirely over their heads just for kicks.
In Boston, Chris gives his roommates a tour of Boston. Kyle wants to get a beer at Cheers (the bar) because that's where George Wendt drank. Except that he really drank on a soundstage in Los Angeles, but whatever. Chris points out a gallery where he'll be having a show. Chris and Theo go to Chris's studio, and everyone else goes back to the hotel. I think Chris's paintings are pretty cool, but I know nothing about art. In an interview, Chris says that his relationship with Theo has been growing since the first day, and that they're closer now than they've ever been. Theo really likes Chris's work. They go to eat. In an interview, Theo says that he's stopped thinking of Chris as a gay person, and started thinking of him as "one of [his] boys." Exactly! Chris asks Theo what he thinks Tonya is doing. Theo says that he doesn't give a damn, and they laugh. Theo says that he really tried with Tonya, and Chris says that he knows, and that Theo will try again. Theo claims that he won't. I don't blame him. Fuck Tonya.
Back in Chicago, Justin apparently just got done fucking Tonya, since she's practically naked and sitting on his lap at the computer desk. Tonya tells Justin to check her Hotmail account. Justin asks for her password, and Tonya says that he knows what it is, because he made it up. Tonya checks for an email from Darren with some sort of confirmation number so that she can get her money. In an interview, Tonya says that Justin knows about her relationship with Darren, and that it's not that he doesn't trust her. He just doesn't trust men around her. Oh, whatever. I'm sure Tonya has given him reason not to trust her. Tonya reads the email from Darren, which is signed "Love you." Tonya claims that Darren has never signed an email that way before. I hope Justin knows the number to the fire department, because Tonya's pants are clearly on fire right now.
Tonya and Justin walk outside and head to the airport. They're all schmoopy and it's gross. They can't even sit on the train without wrapping their arms around each other like we get it, you're in love, so what the hell are you trying to prove?
In Boston, the roommates get ready to go to the '70s party. Chris tells Aneesa that "Laurie" will be there. Some people asked on the forums whether he was talking about Lori from RW NY2, but I think he pronounced it as if it were spelled "Laurie" and not "Lori." Chris also says that there will be lesbians there, and some girls for Theo. In an interview, Chris says that Theo is nineteen and has a lot of growing to do, but that he's making changes. Kyle, Keri, CJP, and Theo go out to dinner. CJP says that the dessert table is calling to her. Kyle says that the odds of him not having something from the dessert table are the same as Theo hooking up with one of Chris's gay friends. Everyone giggles. Theo hopes that the party is "cracking." CJP says that she thinks that gay men will throw a good '70s party. Kyle guesses that it will be nothing but "YMCA" and "In the Navy" played over and over again. Girl, please. I'm sure Chris's friends have better taste in music than your fraternity brothers, or the DJ at the last wedding reception you attended. In an interview, Theo says that he'll hate being with the "gay cats," but that he'll set it aside. Well, that's magnanimous of him. Kyle appears very unsure as he claims that he and Theo normally wouldn't go to this type of party. He's all, "Right, Theo? Right, Theo? Because we are manly men, and not gay. Not gay!" We get it, Kyle. You like boobies and cooter. CJP proposes a toast to their good vacation.
Tonya, on the phone, asks Justin if he's ever read her emails, because someone is going into her account, and now two of her emails were deleted. How dumb is he? You never delete emails from someone else's account! Then they'll know! Man, he has no idea how to cover his tracks. Not that I've ever done that. I'm just saying. Theoretically. ["Plus, how stupid is she, telling her boyfriend to make up her password for her, and then actually using it? Jesus." -- Wing Chun] Justin asks who the missing emails were from. Tonya says that one was from Darren. Justin doesn't say anything, and Tonya guilt-trips him by saying that he would definitely tell her if he had done it. Justin admits that he did it one time. Justin claims that he did it, because when he asks Tonya about Darren, she blows it off, and she's not helping him get any closer to understanding the situation. Tonya says that it just makes her sad. Justin asks why it makes her sad that he wants to know more about a relationship she has that he doesn't understand. Tonya asks why he went behind her back and read her emails, and says that Darren is like a dad to her. Justin says that he wants to know why Darren is doing "this," and why he calls her twelve times per day, which isn't something a father figure does. Tonya doesn't say anything, and Justin apologizes. Tonya accuses Justin of having attitude, and Justin throws it right back at her. Go, Justin! I mean, it was totally wrong of him to read her emails, but Tonya is so not giving him straight answers on this Darren situation, and I think he's right to be suspicious. Run away, Justin! Flee! Get out while you can! Tonya tells Justin that he deserves her attitude, and Justin fucking agrees. Tonya says that she doesn't want to fight, because she loves him, but she's just sad. Justin still doesn't understand her relationship with Darren. Tonya says that Darren's like her family. That is one fucked-up family situation.
The roommates arrive at the party. Kyle tries to prepare Theo for "the unexpected." In an interview, Theo says that he went to the party to prove his friendship to Chris, "regardless of what [Chris's] tastes are." Man, I'm trying to like Theo. I really am. But then he says something like that. Some guy tells Theo that it's "a fag fest," and Theo is clearly very uncomfortable and can't even look the guy in the face. Theo says he's just there to support Chris, lest the guy think that Theo is...you know, funny that way.
Theo puts on a giant Afro wig, and Chris and Kyle laugh. In an interview, Theo says that now he would admit that he has a gay friend named Chris. Well, break out the champagne. Welcome to the new millennium, Theo.
week: Tonya complains to Justin about her roommates. CJP was apparently talking behind Tonya's back. Tonya confronts her. CJP says that she actually defended Tonya, but you know she'll totally cave when Tonya confronts her. I want to know more about this mysterious Darren character, which means that he'll probably never be mentioned again this season.