The tag from the episode consisted of the roommates discussing their first kisses. CJP said that she thought kissing was gross, and that it happened while she watched Home Alone in a movie theater. I'm so old. Keri says that she got pissed at the first guy she kissed, while they were kissing, so she bit his tongue on purpose. Ouch! CJP says that the first guy who went up her shirt commented that her breasts felt like water balloons. Kyle asks if she's sure that the guy didn't say grapes. Heh.
Previously on The Real World: Tonya went home because her kidneys hurt. Aneesa didn't trust Tonya. Tonya leaned over and screamed while clutching her back. They didn't show that last week, but it still wouldn't have made me believe that Tonya was having serious kidney problems. In fact, it seems quite melodramatic and fake. Keri thought that she and Kyle had feelings for each other. In an interview, Kyle imitated Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, or so I've been told. When they showed that clip, J-Dawg asked if they were casting mentally challenged people now. I told him that they're not, but last season probably would have been a lot more interesting to watch if they were. Anyway, Keri and Kyle were grab-assy all over the place, and CJP was interested to see what would happen with them.
The van gets a flat tire. Keri gets out to investigate, and when she announces that the tire is flat, everyone else piles out. Keri lies right down on the ground and starts setting up the jack while all the guys stand around and watch. In an interview, Keri reminds us that she's independent and can take care of herself. Theo starts spouting off opinions, but doesn't actually make any moves to help. Keri says that you need to loosen the bolts on the tire before you jack the van up. Kyle doesn't listen, and immediately grabs the jack and puts it under the van. Keri explains that you should loosen the bolts first, because if you try to loosen the bolts while the van is in the air, the wheels will just spin. Well, that's not true. If she were going to make the argument that loosening the bolts while the car is jacked up might lead to knocking the van off the jack, I would buy it. But the spinning-tire thing is just patently not true. However, Keri's way would also work, and she's the one who is actually on the ground, getting her hands dirty, so I'd be more than willing to let her continue. Then again, I'm lazy. In an interview, Keri says that they think she doesn't know anything because she's a girl. Chris, Theo, and Kyle take over the tire-changing duties. Keri walks off, and tells CJP and Aneesa that she doesn't appreciate it when men tell her that she can't do something. Maybe Keri needs to take a look at her own issues; as far as we know, none of the guys told her that she couldn't do it. They just disagreed with her methods. Chris has trouble loosening the bolts. Keri tells the girls that she's "not a damsel in distress," and has changed five tires in the past six months. She might want to look into getting some new tires, or at least stop driving over so much broken glass. I've had one flat tire in the last six years! ["I've had one in the ten years I've been driving." -- Wing Chun]
The girls return to the van. Apparently, the guys were successful, since the tire is no longer flat. Keri gets into the driver's seat. In an interview, CJP says that Keri seems to deal with issues in "a male fashion" by letting them "roll off her back" and not bother her. Except that it's written all over Keri's face that she's annoyed or upset about something. I also kind of hate CJP's implication that women have to make a big fuss over every little thing. Just because CJP does, that doesn't mean that it's the female thing to do. CJP adds that Keri is "not incredibly emotional." How in the hell did she get cast on this show, then?
Back at the loft, Kyle and Keri sit in a hot tub. Kyle says that he would think it was great if his girlfriend could change a tire, because he doesn't like "high-maintenance women who wouldn't change a tire because they don't want to break a nail." Amen, brother. Kyle adds a "But..." and then Keri interrupts to say that she took charge because she's changed tires before. Kyle notes that some guys are insecure about that. Keri explains that she was insulted because her expertise and independence were questioned. Kyle says that he never would have known that she was insulted because she didn't show any emotion or have a reaction. But she's telling you now. Was she supposed to cry or something? In an interview, Kyle says that Keri is "very internal and very guarded." Keri says that Kyle is emotional. In a second, Paula Abdul is going to bust out with "We go together, 'cause opposites attract!" And then there will be a cartoon cat with her, singing and dancing. What? Like she doesn't need the gig? Keri thinks that she is emotional as well, but that she just doesn't always show it right off the bat. Kyle tells Keri that he might eventually like her better than anyone in the house, but he's concerned that they won't connect, and he wants to get to know the more serious side of her. He asks her to make "the most earnest effort" to let him know if something is bothering her. Keri promises to do that. They stare at each other for a while.
Kyle and Keri stand on the street. Keri asks if they ever get tornadoes in Chicago. Kyle says that they do, and hopes that one is about to happen, because of the dark clouds gathering. It's like Weather Week on B/M, what with the hurricane on theChallenge and all. Keri says that tornadoes are her biggest fear. In an interview, scruffy Kyle explains that the whole tornado discussion was the first time he saw Keri let herself be vulnerable, and it was very attractive to see that in her. Does it worry anyone else that Kyle likes his women to admit fear and act vulnerable? Just asking. And then after Keri has admitted her fear of tornadoes, Kyle continues to torture her by explaining how a funnel cloud might touch down right in the middle of the street. Yeah, I'm sure she will feel really comfortable admitting her fears to you in the future, jerk.
Kyle and Keri sit in a mall. Kyle asks who Keri's least favorite roommate is. Keri says that she thought that she would have the most conflict with Tonya, but she doesn't. ["Yeah, because she's in another time zone." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Kyle says that it's going to be weird for Tonya when she returns, because "she's missing these formative days." Kyle explains to Keri that they have all gotten to know each other quite a bit in the days that Tonya has been gone. In an interview, Kyle says that it's unfortunate Tonya had to get sick so soon, and that it would have been better if it happened later on. Keri thinks that Tonya will like Chicago once she gets used to it.
Cut to Walla Walla. The editors play some country music to let us know that it's a hick town. Thanks, editors. In an interview, Tonya explains that she was so sick, she had to come home to seek medical attention. The editors show us some cows and a roadside onion stand, to emphasize further the hick theme established by the music. In an interview, Tonya says that she never appreciated Walla Walla until she left and came back. Justin, Tonya's boyfriend, greets her at the airport. He's the one who's supposed to be all Richie Rich. I gotta say, he's not that cute. Tonya voice-overs that she feels better just holding Justin. They hug and kiss at the airport. Justin gives Tonya a ride home in his extended cab pick-up truck. Nice. Justin promises to get Tonya taken care of. In the truck, she scoots over and sits to him and puts her head on his chest. I hate when girls do that. Put your seatbelt on and sit in your own damn seat. Hold hands if you must. When I see a girl sitting in the middle of a truck front seat while the guy is driving, I immediately think "handjob." Come on. Tonya explains to Justin that she's the only roommate who is dating someone, and that she's "a lot more stable" than her roommates. Ha! They couldn't have scripted that one any better. Tonya says that her life is all set while her roommates are still figuring out what they want. Tonya adds that her roommates love her and can't wait for her to get back. Justin laughs. He laughs! Even he knows how annoying she is! Tonya is clearly delusional. It must be from all the kidney pain.
Back in Chicago, Chris and Kyle are in the van. Chris says he noticed that Keri is very attached to Kyle. He wonders how Kyle is dealing with it, especially in light of his "situation back home." In an interview, Kyle says that he met his girlfriend Nicole two and a half years ago, and "jumped into this fairy-tale love." Kyle tells Chris that Keri is the coolest person there, and that he's attracted to her physically. However, his relationship with Nicole is a "storybook love," and he would never hurt her. Kyle didn't expect this to happen, because he has very strong willpower, and now he doesn't know what to do. Kyle adds that he would never cheat on someone he loves. Chris asks what Kyle will do if it happens anyway, and Kyle vows that he won't let it happen. I give him two more weeks.
Back at the loft, the red paint has been removed from the door. Or maybe they used an earlier shot of it. Anyway, CJP is writing an email to a friend, discussing her roommates. She describes Kyle as an all-American guy who looks like an Abercrombie model and has a crush on Keri. Oh, and that young American girls will fall in love with him. Why just American girls? Or did she mean Young Americans girls, as in girls who watched the show Young Americans. I don't know. Keri says that she thinks that she and Kyle are just friends, but CJP isn't buying it.
Kyle is on the phone with Nicole, his girlfriend. She asks about his female roommates. In an interview, Kyle says that Nicole is "very, very unselfish with [him]," because she knows that he needs to have a lot of experiences at this stage of his life. What about her experiences? Maybe she's just letting him do whatever so that she can go out and have "experiences," too. And if so, yay for her. But according to Kyle, the terms of their relationship are all about him. Keri tells CJP that she needs to use the phone, but Kyle has been on it for "like, three hours," and she doesn't know to whom he's talking. Nicole asks Kyle whether he thinks any of his female roommates are attracted to him. She adds (seriously) that she's sure all of them are. Kyle agrees that all of them are, and then he laughs, but I really don't think he was kidding that much. I kind of hate Kyle. He really loves himself. I guess you would have to in order to be on this show. Nicole asks if any of the women would act on it, and how Kyle feels about it. In an interview, Kyle says that all of the definitions people put on relationships ("together," "dating") don't apply to his relationship with Nicole. So in other words, he wants to be free to screw around, but still have her on the back burner. Which is fine, as long as she's got those same freedoms. Kyle reads something while he half-listens to Nicole complain that they are always in this "pseudo broken-up stage." Kyle retorts that they "used to be in Shangri-La." Keri complains to CJP that Kyle needs to get off the phone. No kidding.
Keri and Kyle lie in bed and play grab-ass. In an interview, Kyle says that while Keri is aware of Nicole, and of his relationship with Nicole, Kyle and Keri have developed a "very friendly, and touchy-feely, flirtatious relationship, which is fine." Kyle voice-overs that he's attracted to Keri, but at the same time, restraining himself and trying to be respectful of Nicole. Kyle explains to Keri that he doesn't want to give himself over completely to his relationship with Nicole because he has to "be true to [himself] and [his] youth." Oh, stow it, Princeton. What a load of crap. Basically, Kyle's rationalizing screwing around on his girlfriend while still keeping Nicole all to himself. Either break up with her, or don't. Quit being such a pussy about it. Keri and Kyle stare at each other some more.
Did you ever notice that the "ugly" fish in the tank has lips kind of like Keri's? Anyway, the roommates are out at a bar, dancing and doing shots. Lots and lots of shots. Now it's 2:40 AM, according to some outdoor clock, and Kyle and Keri are walking home. Keri drunkenly rambles that she's not handing Kyle the keys because she's drunk, and then interrupts herself to ask if the street is named after Ryne Sandberg. I'm going to guess that it's actually named after Carl Sandburg, since he wrote all those poems about Chicago. Kyle kind of ignores her, and Keri repeats, "Is! That! After! Ryan! Sandberg?" Kyle tells her that it's not Ryan, it's Ryne. But Princeton still doesn't know that it's actually named after Carl Sandburg. Or at least, that's my guess, since that's how it's spelled. Keri tells Kyle that she's been drinking since she was fourteen and knows how to handle herself, so she can get home alone. Kyle earns a few points from me when he sarcastically answers, "Really?" Then, he points out that she almost fell on her face earlier. Keri says that she's drunk, but she's not blind. Keri asks Kyle if he wants to go home with her or let her find her own way home. Kyle says he wouldn't let her go home on the subway alone. Keri points out that she didn't ask him to do this. Once they get on the subway, Keri yells out that she's so excited that she got drunk tonight, and Kyle shushes her. Keri says that she doesn't black out or puke when she drinks. Once they get off the subway, Keri starts Stage Four of Drinking: being sorry for everything. She apologizes for getting so drunk. As they arrive home, Keri says that she's not used to people taking care of her. Kyle says that he's used to it, and that it makes him happy to take care of her.
Later, Keri has changed her top. She hugs Kyle, and says that wants to thank him for bringing her home; she apologizes again for being so drunk. In an interview, Kyle says that he's most attracted to Keri when she shows emotions. Chris sits at the counter, eating. Keri thanks Kyle again, and he says that he'll always bring her home. Kyle sits on one of those little red dot cushions, and looks ridiculous. Keri wanders toward the bedrooms, and Kyle asks if she needs someone to tuck her in. Hint hint. Keri does. Kyle comments to Chris that it's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Chris just takes a huge bite of his burger in response. He's a man of few words, that Chris. Kyle creeps into Keri's bed and gives her a big hug. She gives him the trailing fingers of seduction up and down his ribcage, but he leaves anyway. Keri immediately passes out.
Okay, in the montage of Chicago street scenes before this scene began, there was a furry blue guy doing a little dance. Actually, a guy dressed in a furry blue costume. What the hell was that? Can any Chicagoans enlighten me? Because it scared me, and it was totally random. Kyle talks to his dad on the phone. In an interview, Kyle explains that he's very "buddy-buddy" with his dad. He explains about the lifeguarding thing to his dad, and says that he, Chris, and Keri all passed the test. His dad asks how things are going with Keri, and Kyle laughs and says that he doesn't know what his father is talking about. His dad's all, "All right, Kyle!" Ew. In an interview, Kyle says that it's pretty obvious that he and Keri want to be more than just friends. Kyle tells his dad that Tonya went home because she has "some sort of kidney disorder."
Nice segue. In an interview, Tonya says that she was sick from the moment she arrived in Chicago, but she panicked and covered it up. I like how she changes her story in each interview. Tonya goes to the doctor in Walla Walla, and Justin accompanies her. In the doctor's office, she sits on Justin's lap. Oh, sweet Lord. I could understand if there were only one chair, and they were going to be in there a long time, but Tonya could sit on, you know, the examining table. Or she could stand when the doctor walks in. Justin says something about Tonya being on medication. The doctor suggests that they do another x-ray. I really wanted the doctor to tell her that it was all in her head. In an interview, Tonya says that kidney stones aren't common in people her age, and she's still trying to find out why she has them. And yet, according to the National Institute of Health, "kidney stones strike most typically between the ages of 20 and 40." Which would mean that they are most common in people exactly her age. And to prevent them, you're supposed to drink a lot of liquids. And possibly not sit in a hot tub for long periods of time and get dehydrated. I'm sure they just skipped the part where Tonya's doctor told her that.
Outside, Keri and Kyle stand on a street corner and wait for their luck to change. Keri tells Kyle to let it go. Kyle asks her not to close him off. Keri says that he did that to her. Kyle doesn't understand. Keri nods. Kyle says it's the last thing he wanted to do, and he didn't mean it. Suddenly, Keri starts swearing up a storm. Whuh? Did we miss part of that conversation or something? It went from a drunken argument to Keri going ballistic in, like, a second. Keri walks off, alone. Kyle stares after her. Keri finds CJP and drags her off, saying that it's "not cool." CJP looks back and sees Kyle staring after them.
time: Kyle accuses Keri of having "major 'tude," and she denies it. Theo brings home a bunch of strangers (mostly female) for a hot-tub party. Keri complains about having to clean up after them. Tonya's back, and apparently she is on the phone for a long time, so Theo unplugs it. This somehow causes Tonya to get scared and throw a glass at him, because she doesn't feel safe. I can't wait to see the "logical" explanation for that one.