In the tag from last week's episode, Aneesa, Keri, and CJP agree that if they had to sleep with one of their roommates, it would be Chris. CJP adds that Chris would "make you breakfast in the morning, hold you all night, and call you the day." Wishful thinking?
Previously on The Real World: Tonya felt like she was in the ghetto because there were police sirens outside. But don't worry. It's not like someone was murdered a block from their house or...wait. That did happen. Kyle called Tonya "the backwoods Pam Anderson." Tonya told her roommates that people called her "Barbie" in high school, and she's really athletic, and she loves people. Aneesa thought Tonya was annoying. Join the club, girl.
The roommates go out to a bar and have a great time. In an interview, Tonya says that she wants to get to know her roommates, but that they are all into going out and having a good time, and she's not. Into having a good time. While the roommates stay at the club, Tonya gets a cab and goes home. Please note that in this scene, one might assume that she (a) has some form of picture ID since she got into the club and (b) knows how to hail a cab on her own. It will be important later. On the way home, Kyle asks the group at large how long it took Tonya to leave the club. CJP answers, "Fourteen seconds?" Kyle points out that it took her ten minutes to figure out how to work the ATM and only fifteen, or fourteen, seconds to leave the club. How hard is it to use an ATM? You read the screen, you push the buttons, the money pops out like candy. Christ, even my hometown grocery store, where the produce section consists of like three apples and a forlorn-looking head of iceberg lettuce, has an ATM, and people use it. So don't give me that small-town crap. ["That really is bullshit. I've been using ATMs for sixteen years -- that's practically as long as Tonya's been alive, right?" -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Kyle carefully chooses his words and says that Tonya has "aggravated [him] a little bit," and has "aggravated everybody in the house a little bit."
In the hot tub, Tonya tells Chris that she is fat, and then stops herself and says, "Did I just say I was fat? Most girls would, like, die to look like this." Okay, she has a nice body, I guess. She's got big boobs, and I think most guys would stop there. But she's really high-waisted or something and often her pants and bathing suit bottoms just look...wrong. I wouldn't have pointed it out if she hadn't been bragging about her great body. Then she gives a shrill laugh. Chris just ignores her, or tries to. In an interview, Chris says that Tonya is "high-maintenance" and then backpedals that Tonya is "adjusting, and we all need to give her time to adjust." Whatever. I saw this segment on Dateline NBC about these guys from Africa who were living in the United States. Most of them had never seen a television or a grocery store. Those dudes took less time to adjust than Tonya. On the phone, Tonya tells her boyfriend Richie Rich that she feels like a little girl in the big city. Ugh.
Kyle, CJP, Aneesa, and Keri walk into the apartment and find a bunch of boxes in the lobby. There's an envelope on top addressed to them. Keri grabs it and says that they should wait until everyone is there to open it. Kyle flirts with her about it for a minute. Once they get upstairs, I guess everyone was already there, so they dig into some food (was that what was in the boxes?) and Keri reads the letter aloud. It turns out that this season, they will be working as lifeguards. Everyone screams and jumps around, and I can't really figure out why. I think that lifeguarding sounds pretty boring. You basically just sit in the hot sun and yell at little kids to stop screwing around. Right? Sure, once in a while you might get to swim out and help someone to shore, but rarely. It's not like you solve crises like David Hasselhoff or something. In an interview, CJP says that her first thought was that it would be great to be on a beach all day. In an interview, Theo says that he can sit at the beach and watch the ladies. CJP adds, back in her interview, that after a minute, it started to sink in. Keri continues reading the letter, and announces that they have to report for training, and bring a photo ID and Social Security card, passport, or birth certificate, which is standard for any job. Oh, and they also have to bring a brown bag lunch, but Tonya doesn't create any drama surrounding that, so I kind of skipped over it.
In an interview, Tonya says that, because she was in foster care, she doesn't have a birth certificate or a driver's license. Okay, that's bullshit. She may not have the original copy of her birth certificate, but she lived with her mother until she was twelve, so I have to assume that she at least knows the county in which she was born. I did a two-minute web search and found out that in Washington State (and from doing genealogy research, I know that most states are similar, if she was born elsewhere), it costs between $13 and $24 to get a certified copy of your birth certificate. You can order by mail, phone, fax, or online. So the foster care thing is not an excuse for her not having a birth certificate. And, she doesn't need a birth certificate -- getting a replacement Social Security card is free, and you can do it online. I just refuse to believe that she hasn't had to have one of those things to go to college, get a job, or really do anything official. In other words, I think it's a lot of made-up drama.
So Tonya decides to go to the DMV and just get a driver's license. I have to assume that she thought she could get a government ID, not a license to drive. Tonya walks out and asks the others how to "hail a cab in the big city." Because apparently, in addition to being a slack-jawed yokel, she has also never seen a movie or watched television. Plus, she got a cab earlier in the episode, which I know didn't necessarily happen before this, but I'm on a roll, so go with it. In an interview, Tonya complains that she can't get a license without a birth certificate. So get one! You can order it online! You can get -day delivery! Tonya complains to Kyle and Keri that she has a Social Security card, so she knows she's legal. Okay, so it just has to be a photo ID. Doesn't she have a student ID from when she was training to be a nurse or whatever? And, as people on the forums pointed out, even before September 11, you needed to show photo ID to board a plane. She's just so...frustrating. In an interview, Tonya claims that this whole incident has further served to set her apart from her roommates. Because she wants it to.
Tonya sits in the living room talking to Chris about how difficult it was to be in foster care. It was very formal, and she never got any hugs or kisses, and all she really wanted was someone to hold her. Well, in this day and age, I can't really blame foster parents for not holding their foster children all night long unless they want to face allegations of child molestation. In an interview, Tonya explains that she lived with her biological mother until she was twelve, and then went into foster care until she was seventeen, when she moved out on her own. Tonya tells Chris that she never heard anyone say that they loved her. Okay, yes, that would be really difficult and probably cause emotional problems in a kid. I'm sorry that her mother sucked. But lots of people have very difficult childhoods and don't grow up to be drama queens and attention whores. It's called therapy, honey. Look into it. Oh, but she doesn't have health care in Chicago. Again, I'm getting ahead of myself. In an interview, Chris says that he feels for Tonya, and it's not sympathy. It's not? Tonya says that she feels that God made her a very lovable person. Then she tells Chris that God doesn't love him because he is gay. Okay, she really didn't, but that's about the only thing she could have done at that point that would have made me hate her more.
The roommates show up at their first day on the job...ten minutes early! Surely that must be a Real World record of some sort. Keri explains that they had to report to the beach house at North Avenue Beach. They are welcomed by Jamie, the Deputy Director of Beaches and Pools. He explains all the types of training that they will get, and the roommates sit down to fill out forms. When Jamie mentions "sexual harassment training," they cut to CJP, which cracked me up for some reason. Kyle comments that they got a lot of books, and he "thought it was all suntan oil and whistles."
, the roommates have to go down to the pool and swim continuously for twenty minutes. Some park guy explains that there can be no butterfly or backstroke. Who would do the butterfly for twenty minutes? It's so tiring. The guys go first, and the girls cheer them on. When she notices that even Kyle is getting tired already, CJP says, "If Hercules is getting tired, how am I supposed to do this?" The boys complete the task.
The girls are ordered into the water, and they start swimming. CJP is having a difficult time, mostly because she just won't put her face in the water. Tonya climbs out and sits on the side of the pool. Jamie comments to another guy that they already have a quitter. Heh. Kyle walks over to see what's up with Tonya, who says that her kidney is bothering her. Her kidney? Did she sprain it? In an interview, Tonya says that she has a kidney infection and knows that she's not capable of pushing her body anymore. Tonya advises Kyle to tell the bosses about her kidney problems. In an interview, Kyle says that he's trying very hard to get everyone to pass the tests, and to be supportive, but it's tough because "some people act very differently when they're challenged physically."
Cut to CJP complaining to Chris and Theo that she asked one of the bosses for help, and he told her to put her fucking face in the water. Hey, that's what I wanted to say! Jamie walks over and tells CJP that the guy did not say that, and if she wants to be a lifeguard, she needs to...CJP interrupts to suggest that they teach her, and not tell her what to do. Her case would be a lot stronger if she were a little more respectful toward the boss, and also if she didn't keep swirling her hair around in the water like she thinks she's Ariel the Little Mermaid or something. Jamie says that it's his responsibility to teach her rescue techniques. CJP starts to say something else, but Jamie shouts her down: "It's not our responsibility to teach you how to swim!" Jamie? Word. Why don't you join Elton from New Orleans and me for drinks after the episode. Or during the episode. Or possibly before the episode.
After the commercial, CJP apologizes to Jamie for snapping at him and swearing. Her apology would seem much more sincere if she weren't half-laughing throughout. Jamie explains that they are just trying to help her. Tonya walks up and tells Jamie that she has a kidney infection. Normally, she would be able to pass the swimming tests, but not right now, and it's not worth it to her to pee blood and get sick over the tests. Jamie explains that she can do the rest of the tests, but she can't be a lifeguard unless she passes the water portion, and she can only do that today. Tonya asks if she can do it another time, and Jamie explains that it's not an option. U2 starts singing in the background as Tonya walks off. Oh, and could I have some fries with that shake, Tonya? Jeez. A little note here -- I have a friend who had a kidney infection. Well, it started as a bladder infection, and then he kind of ignored it because he was in college and didn't want to be bothered, and then it spread to his kidneys. Do you know how he found out that he had a kidney infection? He was rushed to the hospital. He remained in the hospital for about two months. He lost about fifty pounds. And also? It hurt a lot. So I find it hard to believe that Tonya is suffering from a severe kidney infection when she's gallivanting around in a swimsuit. Maybe she had one once, but I really doubt that's her problem now. On the ride home, Tonya leans her head against the window dramatically and cries. Dramatically.
At home, Tonya and Kyle sit in the hot tub. Should someone with a kidney infection -- who is presumably having trouble processing fluids (and it's been a while since I took biology, but I know one of the functions of the kidneys is to remove waste from your liquid intake) -- be sitting in a hot tub, getting dehydrated? I'm just asking. Tonya tells Kyle that she's been on antibiotics, and every time she goes off them, the kidney infection comes back, and it's painful. So maybe she has a bigger problem? I wonder if she's been doing the Atkins Diet. That's bad for your kidneys. Kyle listens silently, and then asks if Tonya has health insurance. Tonya says that she does in Washington, but she's not covered in Chicago.
Kyle, Keri, Aneesa, and CJP go out to a sushi place. They discuss how annoying Tonya is, and how she gets on all of their nerves. Aneesa says that Tonya ran in to talk about her kidneys, and Aneesa told her that she didn't give a fuck. Heh. I wish they had that on tape. Aneesa jokes, "I need the attention right now. You're not getting it." In an interview, Aneesa says that Tonya has an attention-needing dramatic personality. Says the girl who was walking around naked for most of the first episode. Kyle tells the others that Tonya said that she might have to go to the emergency room. In an interview, CJP says that she wouldn't put it past Tonya, after all she's been through, to exaggerate her illness. CJP thinks that there is "some mental stuff going on, with her illness."
The morning, the roommates get ready to go to work. Except Tonya, who is still sleeping. In an interview, Tonya explains that she was feeling sorry for herself -- oops, I mean "awful," so she stayed behind. In an interview, Tonya says that she wants to cry because it hurts, and she's scared because she doesn't have a doctor in Chicago. Note that this time she didn't say that she couldn't get a doctor -- she said that she doesn't have a doctor. Different. Tonya calls Richie Rich, announces that she's coming home, and wonders what he thinks. In other words, will he pay for her ticket, right? Richie agrees that she should come and see the doctor. God, what an annoying girlfriend she would be.
At lifeguard training, the roommates have to take a CPR test. They each have to demonstrate their technique on a dummy. They all pass. Their instructor explains that even if they don't get to be lifeguards, they will still get a card saying that they are certified in CPR. That is a good thing to know, but it's not like it's difficult if you take a course. I was certified when I took a babysitting course. I was twelve years old. ["So when you were getting certified in CPR, I was getting my first ATM card! We could have both kicked Tonya's ass way back then." -- Wing Chun]
When the roommates arrive home, they find a package waiting. It's for CJP, from her father. CJP reads the letter inside. Her father used to be a lifeguard, and tells her that he's confident that she will do well. Later, CJP calls him to thank him for the package. I'm sorry, but her dad sounds kind of...feminine. CJP explains all of the tests that she has to pass to become a lifeguard, and expresses fear that all seven of them won't make it.
Tonya tells Aneesa that she's going home for a few days to get treatment. In an interview, Tonya says that her roommates don't know her well enough to know if she's sick, and that she's afraid that she won't get better if she lets it go. Aneesa barely listens to Tonya, because she's burrowing through her dresser looking for something. Also, because no one cares about Tonya's stupid kidneys. In an interview, Aneesa says that Tonya probably does have a problem with her body, but that she's going home because she's homesick and misses her boyfriend. Tonya keeps babbling that she doesn't care about being a lifeguard. Aneesa and Theo just ignore her and look for Aneesa's bikini top. Tonya finally gets the hint and walks away.
At the pool, the roommates prepare for more testing. They have to swim 200 metres in three minutes and thirty seconds or less. That seems pretty tough. But I think it should be. If I'm drowning, I don't want any slow-ass lifeguard taking his or her own sweet time out to get me, you know? The bosses suggest that CJP swim freestyle for her test. In an interview, Kyle says that if they don't all pass, they will have to find some "consolation job" that will "probably be pretty lame." Yeah, like starting your own business. Or volunteering at a children's center. Or working at a radio station. Or working at a coffeehouse/retail place. Or doing cable access television. Or "working" at a record label. Those would be really lame.
Kyle, Keri, and CJP go first. The others cheer them on. Kyle and Keri are swimming as fast as they can. CJP does a kind of doggy-paddle. She still won't put her face in the water. It's like the style of swimming that old ladies do in the pool because they don't want to get their hair wet. Jamie yells at her to try harder, and CJP bitches that she's tired. Kyle and Keri continue swimming. CJP stand up in the pool and fixes her hair. Jamie asks her if she's quitting, and she proudly says, "Yep." And I think that is where she completely lost me on this. I can accept that swimming is tiring, especially if you haven't trained for it, and didn't know that you would need to do it for your job. But she seems so proud that she's giving up. At least finish the distance, you know? Make an effort. Kyle and Keri finish before time is up, so they both pass. CJP is still standing in the pool. She looks down at herself, probably thinking, "Man, my nipples could cut glass." I'm sorry, but they could. Kyle and Keri hug.
CJP is sitting on the side of the pool now. She tells the others that there is no way she'll be able to do it in time. The bosses suggest that she get motivated and try. In an interview, Kyle says that there are probably a lot of reasons why CJP wouldn't get back in the pool, but he doesn't know what they are. CJP starts crying. Crying! Aneesa comforts her, saying, "As long as you did your best." CJP admits that she didn't. Oh, boo hoo.
Now Aneesa and Theo get to try. The bosses cheer them on. Neither of them has great form, but at least they are making an effort. Neither of them makes the time, but at least they finish. One of the bosses tells Theo that he can do it. Okay, he missed the time by a full minute. I don't really think that he can do it. In an interview, Theo says that they told him that he could do it, but that he didn't come there to learn how to swim.
Now Chris gets to go. For a second, I thought he was going to take off his baggy swim trunks to reveal a Speedo, but I guess he was just adjusting the drawstring. That would have been funny. Chris finishes in time and passes the test. In an interview, Chris says that he made a promise to himself in recovery that he could do anything if he put his mind to it. I have a lot of sympathy for people in recovery, but is he going to bring that up every time he does something?
CJP tells the bosses that there are a lot of things that she can do, but saving someone's life isn't one of them. She admits that it scares her. The bosses seem okay with that answer. In an interview, CJP says that she hopes she hasn't let her father down. No, you did that last week when you were hooking up with various guys.
Back at the homestead, Tonya is vigorously blowing her hair dry. In an interview, Tonya says that she is physically drained. Hee! That was a funny juxtaposition, because she's complaining about how terrible she feels, but apparently not terrible enough to curtail her grooming regimen. Tonya tries to take her bags outside to leave, but one of them apparently contains every belonging she owns, and is thus kind of heavy. Tonya complains aloud that she's not supposed to be lifting anything. Who is she talking to? The crew? I picture them all snickering in the back. Tonya tries again to lift her bag up some steps, and fails. She starts crying. In an interview, Tonya says that while she has a weak side, the crying is not like her. Tonya tries to lift her bag again, but is forced to let it go and slide down the stairs. She screams, "I hate this place!" So leave already!
The other roommates are in the van. The cell phone rings, and Kyle answers. It's Tonya. In an interview, Kyle says that his relationship with Tonya is a labor of love, with the emphasis on "labor." On the phone, Tonya says that she's leaving right now, and she'll probably get a cab unless they will get home in time to take her. Kyle smoothly says that it will take them a while to get back. Chris smirks. Tonya says goodbye to them, and Chris yells out that she should call them when she lands, but Kyle has already hung up. They all make suggestions about what they should do to avoid getting home in time to take Tonya to the airport. Maybe they could go to the supermarket or just drive around the block a few times. They all applaud the way Kyle handled it. Okay, that was mean, but also so something that anyone would have done. If you wouldn't do it, you're a better person than I am. Of course, that doesn't take much.
In an interview, Chris says that Tonya has to go home to get medical attention, but she's also leaving instead of dealing with things. As Tonya walks out, you can see the big red paint splotch on the front door, put there by protestors during filming. It makes me think that part of Tonya's problem is the hatred the roommates encountered from some residents of the area during filming. All these vague references to "dealing with things" and "sirens" seem to refer to that issue, to me. Tonya drags her bags out to the sidewalk. A car is stopped in traffic in front of the house. She asks the driver how far it is to the airport by cab. He tells her that it's an hour in traffic, and advises her to "take the Blue Line." Tonya starts crying as he pulls away and says that she can't take the Blue Line. So call a cab! Or a shuttle! God, take some fucking responsibility for your life! Tonya stands on the sidewalk and sobs. One of their neighbors pulls up and offers her a ride. Tonya says that she's "getting the hell out of [there]." She gets into the car, and they take off while the background music sings, "I'm leaving town!"
time: Tonya goes to the doctor in Walla Walla. CJP says that Keri and Kyle aren't a couple, but that they act like one. Kyle says that he would never cheat on his girlfriend, and we see footage of him getting into bed with Keri. Woo!