Spice Up Your Life

The sporadically shown "tag" from the end of the show reappears tonight. And it's bad news. Rachel sprays an entire bottle of water on a fully clothed Mike, who just sits there with a blank expression. She laughs, and makes sure to douse his crotch and nipples. It's all very disturbing, especially because Mike doesn't appear to have any reaction until it's all over. Then he laughs. Rachel does, too, and squeals something that I couldn't interpret, because I'm not a dolphin. Something to the effect that she broke it, and she wonders whether Mike is feeling a little cleaner.

Previously on The Real World: Nicole loves Bobby, but Bobby doesn't feel the same. Bobby came to visit, but Nicole still didn't get any. Nicole is convinced that Bobby is the one for her. Jisela turned up like a bad penny, and had sex with Malik. In an interview, Malik said that "she" doesn't have casual sex, and that they're together because they love each other. Was he talking about Jisela? Possibly. Not definitely.

Malik talks to Jisela on the phone, telling her how much he wants to see her. In an interview that takes place in front of a blue screen so that it makes Malik's hair look really funny, Malik says that he really misses Jisela. They splice in footage of Jisela talking on a pay phone and laughing it up, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts that she's not talking to Malik. Because why would they have cameras on her at home? And why would she be talking on a pay phone at home? Malik tells us that he's bringing Jisela to New York. In an interview, Malik says that they "both love each other so much." Whoa. Isn't it a little early for the loving? Malik tells Jisela that he loves her, and Jisela returns the sentiment before they hang up.

Malik and Mike eat dinner at the Chelsea Grill. Mike bites into an enormous burger while Malik waxes rhapsodic about how much he loves Jisela. In an interview, Mike says that Jisela is definitely the person for Malik. Malik talks some more about how much he and Jisela miss each other. I don't think this is going to end well.

In an interview, Lori says that there was a document on their computer, and that they opened it to find that they are going on a trip to the Hamptons. Wait, didn't they already take a trip? Why do they get two? Quarrel, Nicole, Rachel, and Lori gather around the computer and cheer. Quarrel does a little cheer, but she's talking so fast that I can't understand what she's saying. Basically, she's excited to go on this trip. In an interview, Quarrel says that all she knows about the Hamptons is that "rich people live there, and where rich people live, it's cool!" Man, why couldn't Quarrel have been funny earlier in the season? It would have saved me a lot of time with the hating and stuff. Rachel reads that they will all be allowed to invite one person from the Casting Special to attend. Why? Who cares about those losers? I mean, I'm sure they're nice people and all, but I'd rather see the cast members each invite a boyfriend or girlfriend from home or something. This is all just dumb. In an interview, Rachel says that having their friends from casting return is "like coming full circle." Quarrel tells Kevin that they are going to the Hamptons. In an interview, Malik says that Jisela was supposed to come up at the same time that they are going to the Hamptons, so she's coming along.

Nicole talks to Bobby on the phone. In an interview, Nicole explains that she was supposed to go to the Hamptons the same weekend Bobby was coming to visit. So she just gets to take him along? That doesn't seem fair. Lori asks Nicole what the deal is with her relationship with Bobby. Nicole says that she doesn't know, but that she's going to ask him, preferably on the beach. Lori teases Nicole about setting up a romantic situation in order to ask Bobby about their relationship, and Nicole admits that she hopes they are more than friends. You think? Because I didn't quite get that. You know, even if Nicole did end up with Bobby at this point, does she really want him? Is it really a relationship of equals? It's kind of like my high-school crush -- when I was in high school, I would have done anything to be his girlfriend, but looking back now, I realize it would have been a terrible relationship. Not just because we were in high school, but also because he would have run me like a marathon. I would have done anything he said, and I would have put all of my own needs beneath his, and I would have basically been his beck-and-call girl. And that's no kind of relationship. And yet, that's basically what I see in Nicole's future if she doesn't learn that Bobby is not all that, and that she needs to find a man who wants her as much as she wants him, and isn't afraid to show it.

Well, that was quite a sidebar. Malik, his hair in cornrows, goes to the airport to pick up Jisela. Some on-screen text informs us that Malik is thirty-five minutes late, although Jisela doesn't seem that upset about it. They hug and kiss and act all schmoopy. Jisela tells Malik that he looks "so cute" with his cornrows, and he kind of does. I think I like the Afro better, but it's a nice change of pace. In an interview, Jisela says that seeing Malik makes her feel happy. "Hanging By a Moment" by Lifehouse plays as Jisela and Malik snuggle and kiss in the airport, outside the airport, in a cab, and on a bench somewhere.

In an interview, Malik says that he's romantic and he likes being sweet. Malik and Jisela continue to sit on the bench and smooch. Well, actually, Malik is all into Jisela, and she's kissing him on the cheek and keeping one eye on the camera to make sure they are getting all this. She looks really distracted. Jisela tells Malik that she's not that romantic. Malik says that Jisela is, because she went out and looked for presents for him, and said that she missed him and loved him. In an interview, Jisela says that she can give love like there's no tomorrow, but that she's incapable of receiving love, because she always worries that the person will take his love away. Malik says that he's ready for a girlfriend. Jisela says that marriage would give her a heart attack, but that she does want to get married someday. In an interview, Jisela says that she can't deal with boyfriends and all of the baggage that carries. That's fine. I mean, she's young. Why be tied down, right? As long as she makes that clear to Malik.

Mary-Ellis Bunim: Whew! I sure am feeling well rested after our week at the spa!
Jonathan Murray: I know! And that Mariah Carey was much nicer than I thought she would be.
Bunim: [whispering] Do you think they're buying it?
Murray: [whispering] I think so. Just don't mention the part about Paula Poundstone being there.

Quarrel holds up some bikini bottoms to show Nicole. Quarrel asks Nicole whether she's wearing a bathing suit at all, and Nicole says that she isn't. I thought Quarrel was afraid of water? I guess she could still want to have a bikini for swimming and flaunting her gigantic breasts. I mean, "tanning." Quarrel asks Nicole why she got a bikini wax if she isn't going to wear a bikini. Nicole says that she just wants to look nice. Basically, it comes out in the conversation that Nicole wanted to make sure she was all pretty for Bobby. And that's as much time as I am willing to devote to Nicole's pubic hair, or lack thereof. Although it was funny that Quarrel kept teasing her about it, trying to get her to admit it.

Jisela and Malik arrive at the apartment. Jisela says that they just went to a psychic, and it was weird. Quarrel wants to know whether they had their cards read, and when Jisela reveals that they had their palms read, Quarrel isn't interested anymore. Because, you know, tarot cards are so much more valid a psychic endeavor than palm reading. And I say this as someone who owns a deck of tarot cards. Anyway, Malik tells Quarrel that the psychic said he was in a big relationship. In a confessional, Malik sighs, "God, I love her so much." Man, is his heart about to be broken, or what? Jisela and Malik discuss eyebrow waxing and plucking while lying in the bed. Jisela wants to pluck a hair from Malik's goatee, and they start wrestling around, and then making out. Yes, hair removal is sexy. What is it with this episode and the hair removal? In an interview, Malik dreamily says that he and Jisela "kissed and cuddled all night long." Aw. I feel bad for him already.

The people from the Casting Special start showing up for the trip to the Hamptons. We see Patrice, Jenn, and Vanessa. Who? Exactly. ADDam shows up as well, and Bobby arrives. Jisela runs down the stairs and starts humping Blair. Did they even like each other on Road Rules? Didn't he vote her off? I know I didn't see every episode, but what the hell did I miss there? In the confessional, Blair says that he and Jisela couldn't hook up before, because Blair had a girlfriend, but now Blair is single, so they are free to have sex.

Blair and Jisela sit outside and discuss how Jisela got together with Malik. Jisela tells the story about the visit to the strip club, and how "one thing led to another," and they slept together. Blair jokes, "I know you were easy, but I didn't know you were that easy." At least I hope he was joking. Jisela laughs, anyway. Jisela voice-overs something about Blair thinking that he was going to sleep with her. It sounded like half of a sentence, which was cut off in the middle.

Jisela plays pool with Patrice while Blair and Malik watch. Blair totally goes alpha male, telling Malik that he wants the girls to start playing strip pool, and setting up the rules so that the girls have to remove their clothing no matter what. What the hell happened to Blair? I kind of liked him on Road Rules. At least he didn't seem like such a dick. He knows that Malik and Jisela had a fling, and probably knows that Malik thinks it's still going on, so why is he practically pissing on Jisela's leg to claim her? In an interview, Jisela says that she forgot how funny Blair could be. Blair voice-overs that Jisela is a free spirit and doesn't want to be tied down by anybody.

Speaking of free spirits, everyone starts drinking, and this leads to wrestling, hugging, and humping. And pulling down of pants by Blair. Yes, Blair, we know that you lost weight. We're all proud. Now put your clothes back on. After a weird shot of some plaster noses hanging in the hallway, we see Bobby and Nicole lying in bed, clothed, talking. Nicole teases Bobby about his six-pack (which I totally don't see) and then informs Bobby that his fly is down. Bobby mumbles, "Easy access," and Nicole scolds him for teasing her.

Patrice, Kevin, Jenn, and Jisela sit on top of each other on the couch. Jisela drunkenly asks why Kevin was holding his drink on his crotch, and makes a comment about how he was trying to ice his genitals or something. She grabs the crotch of Kevin's pants, and then totally grabs his unit through his pants and squeezes it. I was going to write, "She does this under the guise of..." but there really is no guise. She's just squeezing his unit. It looks painful, actually. In an interview, Jisela says that she feeds off the sexual energy in the house.

Lori, Blair, Kevin, and Jisela hang out in the confessional. In an interview, Lori says that they were kind of doing a "spin the bottle" thing. Jisela and Lori kiss. Men everywhere frantically try to throw a tape in the VCR to capture this moment. Lori and Kevin kiss. Blair tells Kevin and Jisela to kiss, and they do. Intercut with this footage are shots of Malik looking sad in the kitchen, when really Malik was probably toking up in his bedroom or something. Lori and Blair totally stare at Kevin and Jisela kissing. Lori voice-overs that she thought Malik would be upset about Kevin kissing Jisela, open-mouthed. In an interview, Kevin says that Malik has a lot of feelings for Jisela, and "it's a weird situation." Blair says that he and Jisela are going to have sex in the confessional, and Kevin and Lori agree that means they should leave. Jisela and Blair both take off their tops. Jisela holds her bra up in the front of the camera, but she still has her pants on. She sits on top of Blair, facing him, and they make out.

Bunim: Why didn't we put Jisela on this show in the first place? God knows we needed her. And Blair, too.
Murray: Yeah, but they were both on the same show, and they didn't hook up then.
Bunim: I guess once they spent some time away from the cameras, they realized how much they loved the camera time.
Murray: Either that, or the bribes we gave them. And the roofies that we slipped in their drinks.

Malik has on headphones and is playing some music. Jisela bursts into the room wearing some incredibly tight pants. Jenn is lying in bed with Mike, and Jisela teases them, but it's really obvious that Jisela isn't sure how to act around Malik. In an interview, Malik says that Jisela thinks he is jealous when she is flirtatious with other people, but he doesn't ever say whether she is right or wrong. Jisela kisses and hugs Malik good morning. In an interview, Malik says that Jisela told him that he would see a side of her that she might not like. What, the randomly affectionate side?

Jisela and Blair sit outside talking again. Jisela tells Blair that Malik is not as into having a good time as some of the other guys are. They talk about how the night was kind of "risqu," and that Jisela feels weird around Malik now. Blair points out that they are all single, so whatever happens, happens.

Everyone boards the bus to the Hamptons. Whatever happened to the flirtation between Blair and Rachel, anyway? That got dropped like a hot potato. Malik and Jisela don't sit together on the bus. Nicole and Bobby do, and they're cuddling. In an interview, Nicole says that Bobby means a lot to her, and it's like the song: "If it feels this good getting used, then use me up." See? Not a healthy relationship.

The bus finally arrives at the house in the Hamptons. Mike is really excited because they have scooters. Everyone walks around the house, checking it out, and then they head down to the beach. Nicole and Bobby grab a bedroom right away. Nicole voice-overs that it's "all about Bobby this weekend," and that she can hang out with her roommates when they get back to New York. Rachel hops into a hammock on the beach, and promptly falls out of it. In an interview, Mike says that it's so much better now that everyone is getting along.

Mike and Malik fire up the grill while some of the women swim in the pool. Quarrel has apparently completely gotten over her water fears, and she's even in a tube. Isn't she afraid that it will turn upside down and she'll be trapped underwater again? I'm surprised that the editors didn't make a big storyline out of that one. Nicole and Bobby lie together on a hammock on the beach and watch the sun set. That does seem very romantic. Note to self: try to include hammock in honeymoon plans. Bobby's hair is just a mess. In an interview, Nicole talks some more about how much she loves Bobby. We get it. WE GET IT!

Later, people jump in the pool. I sense nudity coming on. Elsewhere, Malik and Kevin have a heart-to-heart. Malik says that he really wants to have a girlfriend. In the pool, Blair has taken his trunks off. When did Blair become so obnoxious? I kind of hate him. Jisela, Jenn, and Mike frolic. Kevin tells Malik that Jisela told him she was free to kiss anyone she wanted, and Malik was cool with it. Kevin says that Malik is his best friend. Is Kevin trying to say that he refused to kiss Jisela? Because we've got it on tape. Back in the pool, Jisela kisses Jenn while the guys watch and cheer her on. Kevin says that Jisela was kissing everyone in the house, but that it made him feel weird. In an interview, Jisela says that she's upset with Kevin, because he acted like he was cool with all the kissing, and then he wanted to clear the air with Malik. Blair gets out of the pool, naked, but not before slapping Jisela on the ass. In an interview, Malik says that he is disappointed that Jisela isn't spending time with him. Blair says something about hooking up with Jisela. In an interview, Jisela says that "they" don't understand the relationship that she has with Blair, and that it's "setting things off" for her and Malik. I still don't get what Jisela is mad about, but whatever. I also really don't care.

Jisela tells Malik that she had never kissed Blair until the night. She also kissed Malik that night. She also kissed Vanessa. She also kissed Kevin. She didn't kiss Mike, or Jenn. She did kiss Lori. It's funny, because it seemed like Jisela started making that list to make the point that she didn't kiss that many people, but then it turned out that she totally did. In an interview, Jisela points out that just because you kiss someone doesn't mean that you slept with him or her. Malik says that it's cool that Jisela likes to kiss people, and he likes to "kick it with [her] when [he] can." In an interview, Jisela says that Malik is making her feel terrible for being who she is. Nice juxtaposition there of Malik says that he's totally cool with it and Jisela acting like Malik is throwing her a guilt trip, when he's totally not. Jisela says that she wants to spend time with her friends while she can. Malik tells her that she should feel free to do that, and that he doesn't want her to feel awkward around him. Malik points out that they only have a few days left together, and they won't have much time to be alone. In an interview, Jisela says that Malik knows she's paranoid about being labeled a girlfriend, and he's trying to work with it. Jisela and Malik hug. In an interview, Malik says that he and Jisela are not committed, but that they're still close and are trying to define their relationship.

So here's what I got out of that: Malik doesn't care if Jisela kisses other people, but he wants to spend some alone time with her, because he likes her. Jisela kind of twisted that around into Malik cramping her style, but if she didn't want to spend time alone with him, maybe she should have said so. As it stands, it seems like she used him to get the invite out to the Hamptons, and now she's blowing him off.

week: Rachel, Mike, and another woman take a shower together with their bathing suits on. Mike takes his pants off, and Rachel busts out of the shower. Quarrel thinks that Malik is trying to have a romantic weekend with Jisela, and that Jisela is ignoring him. Wasn't that what this episode was about?