Previously on The Real World: Jisela showed everyone her dancing shoes. Malik said he's been attracted to Jisela since the beginning. He has? I don't remember that. Rachel confessed to Kevin that she was grounded for having her belly button pierced and said she considers herself to be "very mommied."
Just a production note: Bunim and Murray were unavailable for comment this week. It's possible that they have both been admitted to a private facility for "exhaustion," but that's just a rumor. We hope they will return week.
A montage of the apartment shows that it's very cluttered and dirty. I sense that we are going to see one of the Real World staples: the fight over how disgusting their living space has become. In an interview, Lori says that it's Rachel's week to clean, and that she's not doing it. There are dirty dishes all over the counters and clutter everywhere. Quarrel surveys the destruction as Nicole voice-overs that Quarrel doesn't like to live in filth, so she and Rachel will definitely fight it out. Rachel blows her hair dry in the bathroom. Quarrel walks in and reminds Rachel of her cleaning responsibilities. Rachel says that she's going to do it. Quarrel says that her friend is visiting, and she wants the house to be clean for the visit. In an interview, Rachel says that she knows she's responsible for cleaning, but she wishes Quarrel wasn't on her back about it. Rachel tells Quarrel that she doesn't like being told what to do. Quarrel says that she doesn't want to be a bitch about it. Because usually, Quarrel goes out of her way to avoid bitchery. Except in practically every episode this season. Quarrel voice-overs that everyone has a week for cleanup, and no one complained about it, except Rachel. I think this is the dumbest cleaning system ever. They should each be responsible for their own stuff -- keeping their common areas tidy, washing their own dirty dishes. And then each week, one person has to vacuum, clean the bathroom and the kitchen, etc. That makes a lot more sense to me than expecting one person to clean up everyone's stinky dishes and the magazine Nicole left on the coffee table. Anyway, Quarrel blames the fact that Rachel is eighteen, when I think it has more to do with the fact that Rachel is lazy. Rachel asks what she's supposed to say, and Quarrel tells her not to say anything, because there's nothing to say. Rachel starts cleaning up. In an interview, Nicole says that Rachel is an only child, and that her mom probably cleaned up after her a lot. In an interview, Mike says that Rachel has been with her mom her whole life, and that Quarrel has been on her own, so Quarrel has a hard time understanding that.
Rachel talks to her mom on the phone. Her mom keeps asking whether Rachel's following the USDA food pyramid. I understand that Rachel's mom is concerned, but what kid, when she first leaves home, worries about getting enough fruits and vegetables? I don't even worry about that now, but I know when I was in college, it was all pizza and beer. And tater tots. I guess that kind of counts as a vegetable. I'm surprised that I didn't get the scurvy. Rachel voice-overs that her parents got divorced when she was two, so she's been alone with her mom for a long time. Rachel is all that her mother has, and without her mom, Rachel would be lost.
Lori and Coral walk across a bridge -- possibly returning from the gym, based on their clothing. Lori says that when she watches the cars go by, she wonders about the lives of the people in them. She hates thinking about her own life so much. Quarrel says that she's never really had an opportunity to "have fun and be young," because she's been too worried about paying the bills. Oh, I see what they're doing here -- setting up a big contrast between the inexperienced, irresponsible Rachel and the worldly, overly serious Quarrel. You'd think they would have emphasized this before the last quarter of the season. In an interview, Quarrel says that Rachel has a lot going for her, and that Quarrel is jealous. Quarrel tells Lori that she wants to shake Rachel and get her to appreciate her circumstances.
Mike says he was walking down the street, and he saw Ellen, Jisela, and Katie from Road Rules. No! You bitches have to stay over on Stee's side of the fence! We get one crossover episode per season and that's it! No more. Mike paged everyone to tell them to come home immediately for a big surprise. Everyone gets home, and they are all excited to see their friends from the casting special. In an interview, Nicole says that when any girls come in the house, it adds sexual energy. But guys don't? Nicole adds that "Jisela has her own little sexual energy going on," as we see Jisela practically humping Malik on the stairs. In an interview, Malik calls Jisela "an incredibly beautiful, wonderful person." So are we to believe that Malik has secretly been pining for Jisela all this time? Did Malik even speak to Jisela during the casting special? Because we were led to believe that Malik was all about Nicole, and Jisela was all about Angel. Until he didn't get cast, and then she dropped him like a bad habit. Jisela asks Malik whether he got any "ass." Malik says he's met a lot of girls, and asks the same question of Jisela, who says that she "got no play." Maybe because she was only on, like, six episodes. Do they know that she got voted off? Malik offers to help Jisela make up for lost time. Oh, Malik. I'm losing respect for you by the second. In an interview, Nicole says that Malik responds to Jisela's sexual energy. Malik leads Jisela upstairs.
It might be later that day, or possibly the day, or another day entirely. I don't know. Jisela tells everyone that they are going to a strip club. Nicole suggests that it might be called "Nipples R Us," which cracked me up. Jisela accuses Nicole of "hating on" the idea of going to a strip club. Nicole gets a little pissy and starts waving her finger around. It's not like "I! Don't! Have to!" from earlier this season. It's a mild finger-waving. Nicole just doesn't think that strip clubs are fun. Malik voice-overs that the Road Rules ladies are "fun-loving" and bring a different element into the house. Jisela reiterates that everyone is invited to come along. Rachel wants to hang out with everyone, but is worried about what her mom will think. Later, Nicole asks Rachel what her mom will say. In an interview, Rachel says she's always thinking about what her mom will think. Rachel postulates that her mom would be less upset about the strip club than a bar, because legally, she's old enough to go to a strip club. In an interview, Quarrel says that Rachel won't tell her mom that she's been "drinking and smoking cigarettes," but now she's going to a strip club. Why do I feel like this whole "Rachel keeps her wicked ways from her overprotective mother" storyline has been done before? Oh, because it has. By a different Rachel. In San Francisco. Nicole tells Rachel to do what she wants to do. In an interview, Quarrel says, "That girl wants to see some naked tits." Hee!
At the strip club, Rachel is not having that much fun. "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott plays. Sophia dances with some strippers. Rachel isn't drinking. Everyone does shots and gets lap dances. I think Jisela was giving a lap dance to a stripper, but I don't think that's how it's supposed to work. Mike gives Rachel a hard time about not drinking, and tells her to live her life and not let her mother control her. Rachel doesn't want to have that conversation. In an interview, Rachel says that her mom is going to be upset with her, and she doesn't want to talk to her on the phone. Jisela seems to have gotten the memo about how the lap dances work.
Back at the apartment, Mike asks Rachel whether she realizes that her mom babies her, and whether she likes it. Rachel does realize it, but doesn't like it. In an interview, Mike says that Rachel needs to stand up for herself. Rachel explains that she's tried stopping it, but it's just how it is, because she's an only child. Mike says, "I'm an only child, too. I know exactly what you're going through." Remember how annoying it was when you were a teenager, and people not much older than you would try to tell you what to do, because they had been there? I thought it was annoying, anyway. Even though they were usually right. Rachel says she's not that independent from her mom. Mike asks whether she wants to be, and Rachel doesn't answer. In an interview, Rachel says that she needs to start doing things for herself and not worrying about what her mother will think.
Jisela teaches Malik how to dance. No, that's not a euphemism. Yet. In an interview, Malik says that he likes people with a lot of energy, and who know how to have fun, and that's Jisela, apparently. Also, he's attracted to her passion for dance.
Everyone's at a bar, and everyone is freaking each other. It's scaring me. Rachel got drunk and danced with guys and girls. I know I'm a prude, but that just doesn't seem like fun. With the grinding and the rubbing. I'm fifty years old. On the subway home, Rachel decides to try to do a pole dance like a stripper. Everyone chants her name, and she takes a running leap at the pole, but forgets the all-important step of hooking her leg around the pole and just goes flying out the other side and falls on the floor. Everyone laughs. She's wild! She dances on the subway!
Malik and Jisela walk home in the rain, giggling. In an interview, Malik says that they've learned a lot about each other's past, present, and future. Are they psychic? Malik and Jisela get into bed together. Jisela turns off the light. In an interview, Jisela says, "Malik is feeling me, the way I feel him." Hmm, that was an interesting clip to put into this sequence. Because there's definitely a lot of feeling going on under that blanket, but I don't think that was what Jisela was talking about. Jisela voice-overs that they are good friends with a physical attraction for one another. We switch to security-cam, and those blankets are doing an awful lot of moving around.
The morning, Nicole asks about Rachel's level of drunkenness. Lori imitates how Rachel was dancing, and then demonstrates how Rachel was sucking down drinks. Quarrel doesn't believe that Rachel fell down on the subway while trying to do a pole dance. Quarrel wishes that she had gone out with them. In an interview, Rachel cries and says that she's still trying to figure out who she is. The Sad Music of Rachel's Identity Crisis play as Rachel looks out the window.
Sophia explains that Jisela and Malik thought they were sly by kissing in the bathroom, but everyone knew what was going on. Sophia thanks Malik and Jisela for "keeping the slapping to a minimum," although she did hear moans and creaking. Jisela laughs and Malik looks kind of embarrassed. As he should.
Quarrel tells Nicole that Jisela and Malik hooked up. Nicole pretends (?) to be really upset about it. In case there was any doubt, in an interview, Quarrel says, "Jisela and Malik had se-ex!" and then adds, "[Malik's] afro was all sweating." Quarrel tells Nicole what she knows, and then says that they miss all the good stuff when they are at home, sleeping.
Jisela and Malik walk down the street, playing grab-ass. In an interview, Jisela says that their "intimate moment" has brought them closer, and that they have "mad love for each other," so they're going to see what happens. Jisela and Malik hug and kiss goodbye. In an interview, Malik says that he eventually wants to have a girlfriend, and that he thinks that Jisela is a beautiful person. He wishes she were there the whole time, because they got really close.
In an interview, Rachel says that going to concerts has become an outlet for her, and that she's trying to "make [her] own expectations and standards for [herself]." Rachel goes out to a concert. The phone rings, and Kevin answers. It's Rachel's mom. She's all telling Kevin that he's supposed to protect Rachel, and keep her from hanging out backstage. Kevin is noncommittal, when I would be like, "Um, I'm not her mom." Well, I wouldn't. I would be polite to her mom. But I would be thinking it in my head. While Kevin talks to Rachel's mom, we see footage of Rachel doing all of the things her mother is worried about -- going backstage, hanging out with the band, and kissing one guy goodbye! That hussy! Rachel tells her roommates how she got to go backstage. They could not seem less interested. At one point, Nicole starts trying to get a stain out of her shirt. In an interview, Quarrel says that as long as Rachel is happy, that's what matters.
Statue of Liberty Montage that I'm just going to call Statue of Liberty Shot #10. "One Girl Revolution" by Superchick plays. Rachel's mom tells her that it's unsafe to go to concerts alone. Rachel explains why it's safe. In an interview, Rachel explains how frustrated she gets, and how her mom needs to let her make her own decisions. Rachel's mom says that Rachel might get raped, and then adds that Rachel's roommates shouldn't let her go out alone. Oh, for crying out loud. Her roommates have no responsibility to Rachel, and if one of them were trying to escort her everywhere, it would be so annoying. Rachel frustratedly yells, "Mom!" I think every daughter has said that in that exact tone of voice at some point.
As the song keeps playing, Rachel walks down the street. All by herself! In an interview, Rachel says that when she goes home, her mom will see how different she is. Rachel takes the subway. Alone! She hopes her mom will be able to recognize her changes. Rachel stands on the street. Alone!
week: the return of Bobby. The return of Jisela. Malik says that he and Jisela care about each other a lot. Blair and Jisela either pretend to or actually have sex in the confessional. Why do these Road Rules people keep popping up on this show? Aren't we done with them? I blame Stee. Bastard.