Tonight on The Real World: it always cracks me up when they don't even bother to pretend that the episode has anything to do with episodes. Like that's not true every week. Anyway, apparently tonight Lori goes to sing a final concert with her college a cappella group, and all of the roommates will attend, so Lori is nervous about it. There! I'm done with the recap. Right? Right? Damn.
In an interview, Lori says that her friendship with Kevin is better than it's been in the past, because he doesn't make her sad anymore. Lori sits on Kevin's lap on the couch and they discuss how "ridiculous" it was that she wanted him to kiss her, and he wouldn't. Kevin protests that he did finally kiss her, but Lori says that it was "only after like, four talks." In an interview, Kevin says that he and the other guys decided that they didn't want to have a relationship with any of the girls in the house. They wanted their female roommates to be like sisters, and they would find women outside the house for relationships. It would have been nice if Kevin had dropped this nugget of information on Lori earlier this season, because it would have saved us all a lot of annoyance. It also would have been nice if Kevin dropped this nugget on the casting directors, except that he knows that the only reason he got on the show is because he basically promised during the Casting Special that he would hook up with Lori.
Kevin chats up some girl at a club. In an interview, Kevin explains that the girl he was chatting up is named Beth. She's "a very pretty girl" he met while doing karaoke. Quick montage of various people singing karaoke. Kevin and Mike do a song. Beth and some of her friends do a song. Rachel, Mike, and Kevin do a song. We don't get to see which songs they picked, probably because B/M can't afford the licensing. In an interview, Kevin explains that "Beth is a model, and she hangs out with a bunch of models." Outside the club, Kevin and Beth hail a cab. Then they get in the cab. While riding, they discuss the karaoke. Is this episode over yet? No? In an interview, Kevin says that Beth is like the girls he hangs out with at home, and it's perfect. Suddenly, Beth is gone, and Mike is there. Kevin and Mike enter the house. Mike is psyched that they finally met some beautiful women. Mike and Kevin drunkenly agree that those girls were "droppers," as in "panty-droppers." Mike? Shut up. Kevin, you shut up, too.
At work, Lori looks at the website for her singing group, the Bostonians. In an interview, Lori explains that the upcoming show will be her final one, and that she's looked forward to it for a long time. Lori listens to some music on her headphones and hums along. God, that would be annoying. Quarrel tells her to cut it out. Lori says that she has to learn the song. Quarrel tells her to learn it somewhere else. In an interview, Lori says that she has to choose a final song to sing, and it has to be perfect. Quarrel taunts Lori by humming loudly and off-key. Lori tells Quarrel to get headphones and listen to something else. I'm sorry, but Quarrel is totally right here. How annoying would it be to listen to someone humming in the office? Like she can't do that at home? Or anywhere but in the office? None of the other roommates seem to care. Quarrel and Lori argue about who is annoying whom. In an interview, Mike says that Lori is nervous because all of her roommates will be at the concert, and she hasn't practiced that much. Lori mumbles that she hopes all of her roommates die. Quarrel teases that Lori should have started learning the song a little earlier, instead of waiting for the last minute. Okay, now Quarrel is bugging me. Meanwhile, in the background, Mike is totally playing Tetris.
In an interview, Lori complains that she's had four years to think about what song to sing, but she still can't come up with anything. Lori stands on a balcony, smoking, and trying to learn some song. More talking about how she can't come up with the perfect song to sing as her farewell. Got it.
The Strummy Guitar of I Hope She Doesn't Find Out That I Only Have One Testicle plays as Kevin and Beth get out of a taxi. In an interview, Kevin says that he and Beth are "connecting eye-to-eye." Ew. That sounds painful. Kevin and Beth have a romantic dinner, which seems to consist of Kevin bitching about his roommates and talking about himself, and Beth nodding and giggling. I don't think Beth has much going on upstairs. Also, for a model, her teeth are kind of messed up. Not that I'm like Perfect Smile Girl, but I'm also not a model. By any stretch of the imagination. Kevin goes on and on about how great Beth is, and how perfect she is. Because she lets him talk about himself endlessly and doesn't interrupt. And she likes him a lot. He can tell. Outside the restaurant, they hail a cab. So basically, their relationship consists of Kevin talking, Beth giggling, and then they take a lot of cabs. They're soulmates.
Lori bugs Malik to get the scoop on Kevin's new chick. They try to make it out like Lori is jealous, because it's Kevin. But I think she's really just a gossip hound. Which I totally respect. Anyway, Malik pretends that he doesn't know anything, but Lori finally gets the dirt. Malik says that Beth was in Maxim, and that she and Kevin went on a date. In an interview, Lori says it's weird that Kevin doesn't talk about his dates. Lori lets out a couple of big belches, which I also totally respect, then comments that her belching is probably why she can't get a boyfriend. Hey, you don't want a guy who doesn't think girls should belch. That's just a sign of a bigger problem. ["That is so true." -- Wing Chun]
On the roof, Lori gives everyone an update on the Boston trip. In an interview, Rachel says that it's a perfect time for everyone to take a trip together, because they are all getting along. Lori tells everyone that they will take two cars, and that she needs to be there by 3:00 PM, so they'll be leaving at 9:00 AM. Can't they take that super-fast train? I would so rather do that than drive in Boston. I've driven in Boston. It's not that fun, especially if you're unfamiliar with the city. Kevin voice-overs that Lori is taking charge of this whole trip, and organizing everything. In a confessional, Lori says that she's terrified something is going to go wrong with the trip.
The morning, Lori is the first one up, getting everything ready. In an interview, Lori says that the final concert will be "incredibly moving" for her, and she's touched that her roommates are going, because they don't have to. Lori wakes up the boys in a really annoying fashion. But maybe I'm just saying that because I hate mornings, and I hate being woken up. But she uses a baby voice, and she has way too much enthusiasm. I would just poke my head in the curtain and say, "Okay, get up! We're leaving in fifty minutes. See you there." In an interview, Lori says that she wants to get going. Montage of everyone throwing things into bags and getting ready. Lori announces that the cars are pulling around in twelve minutes. Some Run Lola Run style techno music plays as everyone heads for the cars. After all the build-up, they leave on time. What a gyp. In an interview, Nicole talks again about how nervous Lori is about everything. Rachel explains that when they finally got to Boston, they got lost. Cut to Lori, behind the wheel, murmuring that she doesn't know where they are.
Bunim: So when do the cops show up?
Murray: Cops? What cops?
Bunim: Well, I figured that they would get a traffic ticket and then get thrown in jail, and Rachel would become someone's bitch.
Murray: But...that's not what happened.
Bunim: Like that matters. Oh, you still have so far to go.
Rachel explain that they're already late, and now they are lost. Lori is driving one car, with Quarrel shotgun and Nicole in the back seat. Rachel is driving the other car, with Malik shotgun and Mike and Kevin in the back seat. They have walkie-talkies so that they can communicate between the two cars, which is what makes this part so dumb. While driving around Boston, Lori gets increasingly anxious. Rachel misses a turn somewhere, because her car doesn't have a map and no one told her to turn. Lori and Quarrel get all upset about it, like they are lost forever, even though they have the walkie-talkies so it's all good. Lori explains that it's 4:15 PM, and she's still in the car, and she was supposed to be there by that time.
In an interview, Lori explains that once they got to the hotel, the street was really narrow, and she hit another car when trying to park. We see Lori trying to parallel park and totally side-swiping another car in the process, then stopping before she can cause any more damage. Okay, this is the point where they should have told Lori to get out of the car, take her stuff, and go wherever she needs to go, and the rest of them would meet her there after parking and everything. But, no. That would be too easy. Everyone keeps talking about how late Lori is. In an interview, Quarrel says that she was trying not to laugh, but it was funny. Lori finally gets parked. The car she hit belonged to the concierge of the hotel, who still manages to welcome them to the hotel. In an interview, Nicole says that Lori looked like "a teapot ready to explode." Lori hails a cab, and in an interview, explains that she's late. Did you get that? That she's late? And unprepared? I don't know if they mentioned it enough times in this segment.
Lori arrives at Boston College. In an interview, Lori says that she's waited four years to get to this point. Lori gets out of her cab and greets her friends, crying out, "I'm not ready at all!" Lori warms up with her group while she voice-overs that she doesn't know what she's going to do without her singing group, which is such an important part of her life that we've never heard of it before. The concert begins, and they do an a cappella version of "Respect." It sounds pretty cool, and Lori sings the lead. She's fine. I have my usual complaints about her singing -- that she's too Christina Aguilera and not enough Aretha Franklin. But she doesn't embarrass herself or anything. Her parents and sisters are there along with her roommates. Her parents are sitting together, even though they said they never loved each other. After the song finishes, they probably went on to do a bunch of other songs. But we don't get to see that. Instead, Lori takes the microphone by herself and babbles really quickly about how she had to pick a song blah blah blah. Just sing already! She finally starts singing "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan, but the stupid editors have to interrupt it to include clips of Lori explaining what the song means instead of letting us listen to the lyrics and draw our own conclusions. Lori sounds a lot better on this song, because she just sings it and doesn't try to be all growly.
After the concert, Lori talks some more about how much she'll miss the group. Kevin comes up and tells her that she was incredible. In an interview, Kevin says he's happy for Lori, and that it's "the culmination of so much stuff in [her] life." The roommates all take turns hugging Lori. Nicole is wearing a giant, floppy, leopard-skin hat suddenly. Must have been fun to sit behind her at the concert.
Statue of Liberty Shot #9 to show that they are back in New York. Kevin and Beth walk down the street, holding hands. Kevin says that they only have thirty days left, and they need to make the most of it, since this is the only time that they will live in the same city, ever. Well. I guess he's dumping her, then. In an interview, a suddenly very blond Kevin says that he likes Beth, but that he doesn't want a long-distance relationship. Okay, this breakup conversation is so inane that I have to transcribe it word for word. I am not even making this up.
Beth: I guess I was in some, like, stupid world...
Kevin: Where, like, you thought I'd be, like, flying up every day?
Beth: No, not at all. But I thought, like, you know, I'm, like, you know, like....
Kevin: I just think that, like, you know, you need to realize that, like, you're not, I mean....
Beth: No. Whatever.
Kevin: That, like, it's not gonna, like, you know what I mean? That like, we don't know how often....
Beth: Yeah. No. It's cool. I'm fine.
Kevin: I mean, do you understand that?
Beth: Yeah. No. I totally understand that.
Okay, what just happened? Did they break up? Were they speaking English? What does she understand? I don't know. In an interview, Kevin the Blond says that he doesn't want to "go through all the crap that goes with breaking up." Well, clearly. Then, since Kevin's done talking about himself, they hail another cab. These two single-handedly kept the New York City taxi industry in business last spring, apparently. In a confessional, Kevin says that he'll miss Beth, and he thinks that she'll miss him. Or she'll miss the cameras.
Some surveillance cam picks up a conversation between Mike and Kevin in their bedroom. Malik may also be in on it, but they never show him. Mike and Kevin discuss how they are all players. Kevin says that he thinks Beth fell for him really hard, because Kevin loves himself so much that he can't possibly understand why all women wouldn't, too. Maybe because he's a smug bastard? Kevin says that, in thirty days, he'll be back at the University of Texas with the most beautiful girls in the world, "who all want to party with [him]." I wish every female who watched this episode who also goes to school with Kevin goes up to him tomorrow and says, "I want to party with you!" and then bursts out laughing in his face. What an ass.
week: Rachel gets crazy and even stands up to her mother. Jisela pops up in New York City and hooks up with Malik. Why can't these people stay on their own damn shows?