Kevin wakes up and goes downstairs. Suddenly, he's on the phone with that girl Emily, his newly introduced soulmate from last week. Malik is sitting there, totally listening in on the conversation and looking at the computer screen. I hate when people don't give you privacy when you're making a phone call. Anyway, Kevin says that he misses Emily, and she returns the sentiment. In an interview, Kevin (who looks more and more like Bill Clinton each week) says that Emily is beautiful, fun, and awesome. He's going to send Emily a Valentine, because she got him one last year, and he felt bad that he didn't get her anything. See? Why can't he just say that he's sending her one because he likes her, or because he wants to get in her pants, or whatever?
Back on the phone, Kevin wishes Emily a happy Valentine's Day. She asks if he has any plans, like what single person makes plans for Valentine's Day? Most of the couples I know don't even make plans. Kevin says that he and Malik may go "upstate" because all the girls they live with are single and "getting kind of crazy." To underscore just how crazy those girls are, we see them cleaning up the breakfast dishes and talking. Wow! Lock those lunatics up! Emily says that she doesn't want to be reminded of Valentine's Day, because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Kevin says that he might send her something nice. Then they must have cut about ten minutes out of the conversation, because suddenly they are saying goodbye. While we hear that, we see shots of Lori eating breakfast, like, I guess we're supposed to think that she's so distraught over Kevin's rejection that she's stuffing her face or something. Kevin hangs up the phone and pats Malik on the shoulder, as the camera reveals that Malik was looking up websites for Kevin to send Emily roses. Roses are nice and all, but kind of unimaginative, don't you think? I'd much rather get a card with a personal message in it than a dozen roses. Because when I get flowers, my cats knock the vase over within five minutes, so I have to put the vase in the sink, and how exciting are flowers in the kitchen sink? Not very. ["That's why I send cookies. Only commie pinkos don't like cookies." -- Wing Chun]
In a confessional, Lori says that she's "dealing with the Kevin thing okay." Lori talks to Mike at the kitchen counter. Hey, this is the same conversation they showed last week, but shot from a different angle! They clearly want us to think that this conversation is taking place later than it did. Sneaky. So now it looks like Lori won't shut up about Kevin. Anyway, Mike (with the glasses) says that Kevin thinks of Lori like a sister, and wants to hang out with her and be her friend. In a confessional, Lori says that she doesn't want to hear Kevin talk about his girlfriend and what he's buying her for Valentine's Day. Mike claims that Lori isn't acting like her feelings for Kevin were "a little crush," but Lori protests that she doesn't know Kevin well enough to "like him like him." In an interview, Mike says that Lori was hurt, as anyone would be after being rejected. Lori tells Mike she knows that, in time, they will laugh about her crush, and she will wonder what she saw in Kevin.
The phone rings and no one appears to be in any hurry to answer it. Kevin stands at the top of the stairs and says, "Telephone!" like, couldn't he just walk downstairs and answer it? Quarrel tells Mike that the phone is for him. Mike talks to "Becky," a "friend from school." She agrees to come over to the house and bring two friends. Wow, she must really like Mike! Or, she wants to be on television. In an interview, Mike explains that he doesn't know Becky that well, but that she was in town to visit someone at NYU, and he invited her over. Yeah, I'm so sure the cameras had nothing to do with it.
In an interview, Quarrel says that Mike hung up the phone and said, "Some freak panty-droppers are coming over tonight, and I know one of them is going to be dropping her panties for sure!" Quarrel is kind of laughing when she yells this. Of course, in fine Bunim-Murray tradition, this "statement" from Mike is not captured on tape. Instead, they show footage of Lori yawning, and Rachel looking startled, and Malik giving someone the peace sign, and somehow we're supposed to think that everyone in the house was shocked -- shocked! -- at Mike's statement. Mike explains to someone -- possibly Quarrel -- that he calls all girls "panty-droppers." In an interview, Mike repeats that a panty-dropper is "a hot girl." Rachel asks Mike whether he could be "more derogatory and sexist." Mike yells that she can be "a panty-puller-upper," which was actually kind of funny. In another part of the house, Mike tells Kevin that the girls are "so jealous." Yeah, that's it. I know I would like nothing more than for my male friends to objectify me. I'm not really offended by the term "panty-dropper," because it's dumb. It tells me a little more about the way Mike views women, but frankly, nothing I didn't already know. In an interview, Mike says that the girls in the house just don't understand his "sense of humor," and that he meant "no disrespect." See, what Mike doesn't get is that it would only be funny after a six-pack and a couple of bong hits, because at that point, anything is funny. Rachel looks annoyed. No signs of Quarrel.
Rachel, Nicole, and Quarrel walk into the subway. Quarrel explains that they went to see Hannibal and that it was sold out. I'll refrain from making a comment on how lucky they are, because I haven't seen the movie. Then again, I didn't see the movie because I read the book. It sucked. It sucked a big fat one. That's my book review in six words or less. ["It's remarkably similar to my review of the movie." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Quarrel explains that they wanted to get out of the house before "the panty-droppers" came over. Could people stop using that term? It doesn't offend me, but it does annoy me, mostly because I kind of hate the word "panty." On the subway, Quarrel and Rachel complain about having to meet the "panty-droppers," who they are sure are "all blonde" (this from Rachel, the blonde), and have "big boobs" (this from Coral, owner of the huge rack.). Nice stereotyping there, ladies! Rachel relates that Mike told her one of the girls is so dumb that talking to her makes you feel dumb. I would have to guess that it doesn't take much for Mike to feel dumb. In an interview, Quarrel says that it's not very kind for Mike to talk about his so-called friends like that, and that she doesn't call Mike her friend.
Valenwhine's Day
Quarrel and Rachel apparently ditched Nicole in the subway, because they return to the house alone. Kevin yells that Mike's friends are there, and "Shannon, Amy, and Becky" walk into the house. Lori greets them and shakes their hands. Malik does the same. Quarrel rolls her eyes and eats a cracker. In an interview, Quarrel says, "They sure are dressed like panty-droppers!" That comment makes me rewind and check out their outfits. Frankly, I've seen Quarrel wear more revealing and tight outfits, so I don't know what she's talking about. Quarrel tells someone sotto voce that "the ho stroll is live and in effect." Wow, she's kind of a beeyotch. I'm not asking her to be best friends with these girls, but she could at least show them some common courtesy and say hello. In an interview, Mike says that Quarrel is a bitch.
As Mike shows the girls around the place, Rachel and Quarrel rip on the girls while hiding in the kitchen. Rachel says something about dropping her panties, but Quarrel tells her to shush up because Mike and the girls are approaching. Mike introduces them, and Rachel gives them a big fake hello while Quarrel hides behind Rachel. In an interview, Rachel says that they might not have been as friendly towards the girls as they have been to other people's friends, but other people didn't call their friends "freak panty-droppers." How is that the girls' fault? Why take it out on them? Quarrel and Nicole giggle and wonder whether they should tell the girls what Mike said, right in front of the girls, like how rude is that? In an interview, Nicole says that Mike was embarrassed by what he said, and irritated that they were talking about it in front of the girls. Okay, it was a dumb thing to say, but Quarrel is just being rude when she tells them to be sure to ask Mike about the panty-dropper story. First of all, drop it. Second of all, don't use innocent bystanders in your mind-fuck with Mike. The girls laugh uneasily and look at each other like, "If we leave, will the cameras follow us?"
Mary-Ellis Bunim: Did I hear something about panties dropping?
Jonathan Murray: Well, Mike was talking about...
Bunim: Are these new whores for the pimp's stable? Is he going to beat them with his sneaker? Or is the dumb one a pimp now, too?
Murray: I tried to tell you, none of these boys are pimps, and...
Bunim: Isn't there a song about panty-droppers that we can put on the soundtrack? Find some unsigned band and get them to give us perpetual rights to their music just to get their song on the show, and then we won't credit them or anything, but it will still be free music. Or you could just write a song about panty-dropping girls from your own experience!
Murray: Um...
Back at the house, one of the girls asks Mike about panty-dropping. Mike says that he calls all girls panty-droppers. Quarrel keeps urging him to tell "the whole story," but Mike rushes the girls out the door. In an interview, the Greenwich Village Idiot says that even if Quarrel brought someone over who she had previously badmouthed, he would try to make the person feel comfortable, because he has "courteousy [sic]." Aw, poor, dumb Mike. I no longer hate him. I just feel bad for how dumb he is. Quarrel eats some food in an evil manner. Mike and the girls go out dancing at a bar that doesn't look like the type of place you are supposed to dance. Afterwards, Mike puts the girls in a cab, but not before one of them can try to make plans with him for the day. Mike walks home and has a little trouble putting his key in the door, so I'm guessing he's had a few drinks.
In an interview, Quarrel explains that "Bar & Books" is their -door hangout. Lori explains that "Stevie B." is the attractive bartender at said hangout. Wait, the guy that sang "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)" and "One More Try"? That was such a hit on Dance Party USA. We get a quick shot of him, but it's dark and you can't really see what he looks like. I don't think it's the late '80s singer, anyway. But why would you call yourself Stevie B.? Why would any grown man call himself "Stevie," anyway? I don't like the looks of this one. In an interview, Lori wishes for "some sort of flirtation" in her life as the stoplight behind her changes from red to green. Subtle. Malik and Kevin leave Bar & Books, looking to see whether Lori is behind them. Kevin comments on how cool Stevie B. is. Lori walks out and Kevin makes a crack about her keeping them waiting. Lori says that she was "getting some British loving" from Stevie B. Wow, it would be nice to have a bar right door to your house. I have a bar down the street, but I'm scared of it, because the only people I ever see go in there are old men. And they're always headed in the door at, like, 11 AM.
Back at the apartment, Lori makes some coffee. In an interview, Lori says (again) that she "likes a little bit of drama" and feels that crushes are perfect for that. I think they lifted that quote to use in an earlier episode. Rachel comes into the kitchen and asks about Bar & Books. Lori tells her about Stevie B. and his Manchester accent. Lori tells Rachel that Stevie said he'd be Lori's boyfriend. He also said, "I got your letter from the postman just the other day so I decided to write you this song and let you know just exactly the way I feel, to let you know my love's for real." Well, some Stevie B. said that. Maybe not Lori's Stevie B.
“ Mike talks to 'Becky,' a 'friend from school.' She agrees to come over to the house and bring two friends. Wow, she must really like Mike! Or, she wants to be on television. ”
The phone rings. Rachel goes in and wakes Mike, because Becky is on the phone. Mike goes to the phone, where Becky asks him out to dinner. Mike comments that it's their "first date." In case you weren't sure what that first part of the paragraph meant, Mike explains that he suggested he go pick her up and that they could then find a place to eat. Oh, date! Dinner! Now I get it. Mike picks up Becky, who looks a bit like a Dixie Chick. They go to a Chinese restaurant. At dinner, Mike says that he misses his friends from home, even though he likes his roommates. He says he's never lived with girls before, and that they're annoying, like one girl who won't leave the bathroom until her makeup is perfect. I'm going to guess that's Nicole. And it's nice of Mike to paint all women with the same brush, based on the four with whom he lives. Mike says that he gets in an argument with Quarrel at least once per day. Mike talks and talks and Becky just listens. In an interview, Mike says that Becky is cool and that it was a great date. They go get coffee or hot chocolate or something. Mike voice-overs that he thought Becky was dumb at first, but that he was wrong. Hee! The girl didn't say two words during dinner and let him dominate the conversation, and now he's sure that she's a genius. Mike kisses Becky in the vestibule of a building. Ah, so that's why he changed his mind so quickly.
Back at the apartment, Nicole has called a house meeting. The roommates gather in the living room. Mike voice-overs that Nicole wanted to talk about the noise levels, but he plans to hijack the meeting and confront Quarrel and the other girls about how rude they were to his friends. Nicole says that she appreciates their just being aware of their noise, like when Lori was loud and then realized Nicole was sleeping and quieted down. Mike starts talking about his friends and that, when he introduced them to Quarrel, she only said, "Peace." Mike gives the example of how nice he was to Quarrel's cousin. Quarrel says that she didn't call her cousin a panty-dropper before introducing them, and says that she can't respect anyone Mike doesn't respect. Mike tries to argue, but Quarrel talks over him. In an interview, Mike says that he's used to being accepted, and that people in the house don't understand his sense of humor. Mike tells Quarrel that all of his hundreds of friends would understand that he was joking. Ah, the "all of my friends agree that you're wrong" defense. A classic debating technique. Here's what Mike should say: "Quarrel, you're right that I shouldn't have disparaged those girls. Regardless, I was embarrassed when you treated them with such disrespect. All I ask is that you keep your problems with me confined between the two of us, and don't take it out on our friends and roommates." Instead, he's getting all caught up in the stupid, inane panty-dropper argument. Also, shut up, Quarrel. In an interview, Mike says that he has hundreds of friends at home, but that he has only six friends in New York, and some of them don't even like him. Please don't make me feel sorry for Mike. I was all set to hate him. Mike rises to Quarrel's baiting, which is the worst thing for him to do, because she will outwit and outshout him any day of the week. Quarrel wants to know why Mike talked about his friends "like dogs, like whooooores!" Wow, she almost got the Vaj delivery down on that last one. Quarrel suggests that Mike call his friends and tell them what he said about them being so dumb that talking to them makes him feel dumb. Mike looks pissed off and pouty. In an interview, Mike says that he shouldn't have said that, and that he stereotyped the blondes. In an interview, Kevin says that Mike is in the doghouse, and that round one goes to Quarrel. I hate all of these people right now. Who talks like this? Who has fights like this with people they've known for less than a month? Am I just that out of touch? The rest of the roommates joke and talk while Mike pouts and the soundtrack sings a song about the house meeting and fighting, or something.
Murray: We gave Coral her weekly "shit-stirring" stipend. But we had to promise her a weekly column on MTV.com, too.
Bunim: Like anyone reads that internet thing. How much will it take to get her to take off her shirt? She's got quite a rack.
Murray: Why does it matter? We couldn't show it anyway, and you fired our pixellator after the Hawaii season ended.
Bunim: Think long-term! If we have nude footage of her, we can always blackmail her into coming back for the Challenge.
Murray: I so love your evil mind.
Bunim: Shut up and get me a martini.
Man, they never show the Statue of Liberty. They are loving the "Ray of Light" sped-up footage this week, though. Lori and Quarrel exit Bar & Books. Lori says that Stevie B. gave her chocolate roses. Quarrel says, "Ew!" Heh. They are pretty cheesy, and look like something you would buy at the Dollar Store. Do they have the Dollar Store in Greenwich Village? In an interview, Lori says that Stevie B's gift was sweet. In an interview, Quarrel says that Stevie B. is nice, but that Lori may be a little too eager to have someone like her. I know I come off as a Lori-apologist all the time (believe me, I get your emails), but I want so desperately to like someone on this season, and Nicole and Malik aren't getting any camera time. Anyway, I was going to say that if someone dissed me as hard as Kevin dissed Lori in the club, I think I would be looking for a self-esteem boost as well. In a confessional, Lori and Quarrel are wearing towels. Quarrel says that Lori has a problem in that if a guy likes her, she's all over him. Lori laughs and readjusts her towel, claiming that Quarrel has the opposite problem. Lori says that whenever a guy says hi to her, Quarrel yells at her that the guy isn't good enough and she should leave him alone. Quarrel doesn't argue with this assessment. Like last week, I enjoyed that short bonding scene more than anything else in the episode.
Lori sees Kevin at the computer and stops to tell him about Stevie B.'s giving her the chocolate roses. Kevin says it wasn't that nice. Lori stomps away, saying that she didn't think it was a profession of love. Kevin apologizes and says he agrees with Quarrel on this one. Okay, it was a little obvious that Lori was trying to make Kevin jealous, and she does need to dial it down a bit. Happy, people who email me to complain that I'm too soft on Lori? I'm seriously so over this story line.
Mike walks into the house carrying some daffodils and four ceramic vases. In an interview, Mike says that the girls think that Kevin is "a sweetie-pie," and that Malik has "puppy-dog eyes," but they think Mike is just a frat boy. They stereotype him as "a pervert who has no feelings towards women and is degrading towards women," and thus won't expect anything from him on Valentine's Day. Mike puts a flower in each vase and writes a long note that begins, "Happy Valentine's Day Ladies!!!" I tried to freeze-frame and see what the rest said, but this is all I got: "I feel Valentine's Day is an appreciation day towards women that are special and of people in our lives. I painted these vases...a symbol of my appreciation to all of you. You...beautiful individuals who deserve the best life has to offer." Mike labors over what to write and finally finishes and props up the card near the flowers.
It's Valentine's Day, based on the shots of red fuzzy bears and flowers included in the morning montage. Rachel comes downstairs and reads the card. Her vase says "Cutie," and she pronounces it "adorable." Nicole reads part of the card aloud, saying, "So when you live through this day, remember every guy that wants to ask you out, it's just they are too cowardly to." Nicole says it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to her, which is kind of sad. Malik, standing right there, is missing such an opportunity. Rachel points out Nicole's vase, which says "Fashion queen." Quarrel's says "Strong." Lori's says "Singing beauty." Suddenly all of the girls are there, and Lori looks sad. Rachel and Nicole thank Mike for the gift, giving him hugs. Quarrel floats over and says that she loves him, then jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist, saying that no one has ever been nice to her when she is mean to them. She's overdoing it a lot. In an interview, Mike says that he feels the love from Quarrel, and that it feels nice. In an interview, Quarrel says that Mike knew she was putting it on a little thick. Nicole has left a big lipstick print on Mike's cheek.
In an interview, Rachel explains that, on Valentine's Day, Malik and Kevin went upstate, so Mike and the girls were left. How mean that Malik and Kevin didn't ask Mike to join them! Mike asks Rachel whether she has plans, and Rachel says that they are going to dinner. In an interview, Quarrel says that their plan is to dress all in black. Nicole and Quarrel put their makeup. In an interview, Lori says that they are going to "drown [their] sorrows in wine and chocolate." The girls ask Mike to take their picture. In an interview, Mike says that he was hoping the girls would ask him along, even though they were having a girls' night out. Why no blame for Malik and Kevin? They have even less reason not to ask him along. In an interview, Lori says that she felt bad about leaving Mike home, but they wanted to be single girls bonding together. The girls leave Mike home alone.
Mike Instant Messages someone on the computer. He tells the person he is home alone. The person asks if he is lonely. Mike sits there a while as sad music plays, and then slowly types, "Yes." Poor, pathetic Mike. Wouldn't it have been interesting if they tried to create some sort of Mike/Quarrel parallel with Quarrel talking about how lonely she is, and Mike saying he is lonely, too? I guess that's too sophisticated for B/M.
week: Quarrel and Mike fight some more about his unfunny jokes. The roomies start their job at Arista Records (which Quarrel misprounounces). Lori tells someone that she wants music to be a life career. Mike and Quarrel argue some more. Sigh.