So after my long-winded explanation of the "tags" last week, they didn't even show any tags this week, choosing instead to start the episode two minutes early, just to fuck with me. But I was ready for them!
Previously on The Real World: Mary-Ellis Bunim told them that if they get fired from their jobs, they have to leave the show. Quarrel said that she's not going to leave any show. Mike called girls "panty droppers," and Quarrel didn't like it, but Mike thought it was funny. Quarrel can't see herself having any kind of relationship with Mike where she's not remembering his past errors. On the phone, Quarrel told her friend that Mike is going down.
Lori puts Malik's hair into bunches of some sort as everyone wonders what their job will be. Kevin suggests that they could be taxi drivers. The Greenwich Village Idiot says that he'll be the dispatcher. Lori thinks it could be like Taxicab Confessions. Wow, a reality show inside a reality show. I think she just blew my mind.
The Greenwich Village Idiot makes up a fake letter saying they are going to be working at Big Roy's Waste Transfer system. This is the text of the letter, entirely sic:
Tired of all the down time; the remedy is work. You all may find your job somewhat distasteful; report to Big Roy's Waste Transfer Station on the right corner of 4th Ave. and Bleecker St. tomorrow at 5PM. Big Roy will be there to give you further details about your new jobs. Remember the rules, you get fired; you must leave. Have fun and get dirty.
Wow, Mike really loves the semicolon, and yet he didn't use it correctly even one time in that letter. ["That guy is in college? He sure is illiterate." -- Wing Chun] Mike types "Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jon Murray" at the bottom of the letter.
Statue of Liberty shot #2 of the season. In an interview, Rachel tells us that someone left a note on the computer. Has Mike never watched this show before? Doesn't he know that the job assignment information is always delivered by courier? I mean, if you're going to play a prank, put a little effort into it. Lori finds the letter on the computer and squints in disbelief. Lori tells the roommates that she called Information and no such place exists. Nicole says that she's not going, and Mike tells her that she'll get fired if she doesn't. In an interview, Rachel says that she suspected Mike wrote the letter, but didn't think he was clever enough to write it on his own. I guess none of them fell for it, since we never find out whether anyone went to the meeting, or if they found out that Mike wrote it. Nice follow-up, editors.
Rachel, Mike, and Lori go to a concert, but they're late. In an interview, Mike tells us that he and Rachel have an agreement to go to concerts together, alternating their interests. Mike promises them that they will get to the front, because he always does. Yeah, he's totally one of those assholes who pushes you aside and steps on your feet while spilling his beer on you. I hate those guys. Rachel yells out that she won't be with him at the concert because she's leaving him as soon as they get there. In an interview, Mike says that he feels Rachel was being rude. Mike tells her as much. Lori refuses to get involved.
The morning, Rachel feels bad for hurting Mike's feelings. Lori advises her to apologize, just for the parts she feels bad about. In a confessional, Rachel says that she apologized for being bitchy to Mike on the way to the concert. Quarrel thinks that Rachel likes Mike, and teases her about it. Rachel keeps yelling, "Ew!" and "Gross!" She really is eleven years old. It's nice to see Quarrel teasing someone besides Mike. To prove she doesn't like him, Rachel says that she told Mike she wouldn't go to see Linkin Park with him.
In an interview, Mike says that he has "the worst jokes in the world," but that he thinks they are funny. Okay, Mike's jokes are really terrible, largely because he can't tell a joke, but it did crack me up when he pretended to tap a microphone and said, "Is this thing on?" just because my friend Terry does that when one of his jokes bombs, and unlike Mike, Terry is actually hilarious. In the confessional, Mike tells a joke about laxatives that I'm not going to repeat here, because I make an effort to make my recaps at least mildly amusing, and this joke is so dumb that it would kill it. Mike's other problem is that immediately after telling a joke, he tells you how funny it is, like you're suddenly going to burst out laughing and say, "Oh, that was funny? I'm so glad you told me. I didn't know." Either it's funny or it's not, dude. And in his case, it's not. Rachel says that Mike thinks he's funnier than he is. Rachel encourages Mike to tell a joke to Lori and Kevin. Mike starts telling his joke and Rachel interrupts to say she likes to see him make a fool of himself. And then Mike tells the joke anyway. After someone says you are going to make a fool out of yourself, wouldn't you shut up? Especially since Lori is sitting to him, clearly embarrassed over how unfunny the joke is. Mike tells the joke and steps on the punch line. In a confessional, Lori says, "You are so fundamentally not funny." Everyone leaves the room. In an interview, Mike says that everyone hates his joke, but that he laughs at the jokes anyway.
In their bedroom, Lori tells Quarrel that Rachel encouraged Mike to tell his joke. Lori does a decent Rachel impersonation, by the way. Mike knocks and comes into the bedroom without waiting for a response. Quarrel tells him to knock before entering, and Mike says that he did, but Quarrel tells him that he needs to wait for a response. Okay, clearly there is hostility towards Mike in the room, so why doesn't he just walk out? I would. Instead, Mike starts telling a joke, despite the fact that everyone has been expressing disdain for his jokes all night. After another bad joke, Coral orders him out of the room. Mike keeps talking about how funny his jokes are.
In a confessional, Mike says that he's usually the person everyone wants to be around, but here that isn't the case. As we see Mike walking the streets alone, we hear Mike on the phone with his friend Kelly. Mike says that everyone makes fun of him. Montage of Mike's awkwardness. Kelly urges him not to let them get him down because his friends at home love him. Mike says that he hasn't found his scene yet.
Mike goes to a Linkin Park concert alone because Rachel refused to go with him. Mike starts crowd surfing and slaps hands with the lead singer for Taproot, the opening act. Then he starts moshing, but it's the shitty kind of moshing where it's just a bunch of idiots pushing each other around. Back in my day, we knew from moshing. I am eighty-seven years old. In an interview, Mike says that he feels cleansed of his frustrations as a result of the moshing.
The roommates get a delivery and all fight over opening it. It clearly has something to do with their jobs, but we have to wait until after the commercial to find out what it is. Except that they told us in the preview last week, so there's really not much suspense.
Bunim: Was that mean girl serious when she talked about the blonde girl kissing the dumb boy?
Murray: That would be Coral, Rachel, and Mike.
Bunim: Whatever. Like it matters. So was she?
Murray: I don't think so.
Bunim: Jesus, this season is boring. Hand me that bottle of gin.
Quarrel rips open the envelope and reads that they are going to be working at Arista Records, but she pronounces it "a-WRIST-uh" instead of "AIR-ist-uh." In an interview, Malik says that Mike was so excited because he doesn't have any direction so he "is definitely someone who might want to pursue a career in music." The way that Malik phrased it made it sound like people who go into the music business are directionless. Which, come to think of it, might be true. Quarrel reads that they each have to bring a résumé and list their top five albums of all time. In an interview, Quarrel says that she will put a lot of energy into this job. In an interview, Nicole is excited to work at Arista (and she pronounces it correctly) because of the rap and R&B artists on the label. In an interview, Quarrel says that she has nothing else to do. Except making Mike's life a living hell and trying to run Lori's love life.
Nicole and Quarrel try to list their top five albums. Quarrel lists off Ready to Die (by Notorious B.I.G.), Urban Hang Suite (by Maxwell), and Baduizm (by Erykah Badu). Mike chimes in with a vote for Ready to Die. Quarrel flips him off. Mike thinks that Maxwell sucks. Quarrel tells him not to dis people's music and calls him a jerk. Nicole tells Mike that he was being disrespectful. Mike tells them he'll just lie there and mind his own business. Coral tells him not to dismiss her. Man, he really can't win. Yes, he could have been a little more sensitive by saying that he doesn't like Maxwell instead of that Maxwell sucks, but Quarrel yells at him whether he talks or doesn't talk and then just tells him to leave. Quarrel also says that Mike should keep his mouth shut unless she asks him a question. She really does think that she is queen of the house. In an interview, Mike thinks it's not about music, but about Quarrel liking to argue with him. Coral thinks that picking on people makes you feel like you got the best of them, and she felt like Mike was trying to get the best of her. Why is it a competition? I don't know.
They get to see their new office. It's huge and everyone is excited about it. They have to sit two to a desk, and Mike and Quarrel are seated across from one another. It seems like that could have been easily avoided.
Murray: I set up the assigned seating in the office as you requested.
Bunim: Eeeeexcellent. Will anyone get fired this week?
Murray: Well, they haven't actually started working yet. It's just orientation.
Bunim: So? I've fired employees before I even hired them!
Murray: How is that even poss...forget it.
Just as a reminder, Mike and Quarrel have to share a desk and they don't like each other. Quarrel pouts like the professional that she obviously isn't. Nicole has her own desk and invites Quarrel to share her space anytime. Now Devin and Adam will be talking to each roommate individually to find out their experience and strengths.
Nicole gets interviewed and says she is "very closed-minded when it comes to music." Devin and Adam aren't too impressed with that. In an interview, Nicole says that when they heard the song in the conference room, all she heard was noise, without any lyrics or beat. That's what my college roommate use to say when I listened to Nirvana: "You can't even understand the words!" She was old before her time. Kevin tells Adam and Devin that he lied about his age to get a job at a radio station. In an interview, Kevin says that he thinks he impressed them. He's right, but he doesn't have to be so damn smug about it. Malik tells them that he is a DJ, so he will buy rock singles just for the instrumentals. That seems fair to me, because he's not lying and saying he loves rock music, but he's letting them know that he can find something to appreciate in any kind of music. They call him a wild card, which I don't understand. Coral says she doesn't like going to concerts, but that Purple Rain has been in her CD player for four years. I can't argue with that. She scores points with Adam on that one. Lori tells them that she wants music to be a career, and reveals that she sings. They decide that they have to make sure Lori doesn't wait around. I took that to mean that they don't want her to think that this job is going to be her passport to a recording contract, but that could have been made clearer. Rachel tells them that she likes "poppy punk" and that she takes concerts seriously. She tells them about a time that Mike ruined a concert for her by talking through it, and Devin and Adam sympathize with her on that one. Mike tells them that he loves rock and mentions the concert he just attended. They list off Mike's top five albums, and one of them is Def Leppard, which is kind of sad to me. Like, clearly he wanted to throw one old-school album on there to show that he's not just about the new stuff, and that's what he picked? As Mike leaves, Devin and Adam say they will be picking his brain a lot. Good luck finding it. Devin and Adam discuss how they have to split Mike and Kevin up when making the teams.
Devin and Adam come into the office and explain that the roommates will be split into two teams; each team will have to assemble a focus group. Devin explains that they can't just grab anyone to be in the focus group. They have to find people who are into that type of music or potentially could be into that type of music, so that Arista can get information. One team will be Kevin, Rachel, Malik, and Nicole. The other team will be Mike, Lori, and Quarrel. Heh. I wonder how much B/M bribed them to put Mike and Quarrel on the same team. I'm surprised they didn't throw Kevin and Lori together too. Quarrel throws her pen down loudly in disgust. Oh, how mature. ["I'm sure Lori is really excited to get to keep those two from tearing each other's throats out every damn day." -- Wing Chun]
The roommates leave. Mike is grinning as they walk down the street. In a confessional, Mike says that this job is like a dream, and that he's the only one who likes heavy metal. Okay, first of all, never say the words "heavy metal" again unless you're talking about Iron Maiden or something. Second of all, we get it! Mike likes this type of music and he's excited about the job! In an interview, Kevin says that he thinks the job is right up Mike's alley. Wow, I'm so glad Kevin explained it to us, because I thought Mike hated the job. In an interview, Quarrel says that she will put tape over Mike's mouth, and he can email her to communicate. While I fully support stopping Mike from talking, Quarrel needs to learn to separate work from the personal realm a little bit.
: Malik dates a white girl and Nicole gets pissed because she thinks he puts out an image of being Afrocentric and then isn't when it comes to dating. Kevin yells at Nicole for getting pissed, and she gets even more pissed. Well, at least it's not Mike and Quarrel for once, but I'm kind of wishing that I could take my vacation week so that I would have an excuse to completely ignore the sure-to-ensue debate in the forums about interracial dating. Maybe I'll just tell Wing Chun I'm going to be on vacation and then hide all week. ["Nah -- try telling me you broke both your hands. And went hysterically blind." -- Wing Chun]