Big ups to Wing Chun and Glark for being both crazy and beautiful, and to the posters in the forums for coming up with such great nicknames. If I miscredit any of you, be sure to let me know.
Previously on The Real World: Nicole told Malik and poor Jason the reject that she lives in the ghetto. Malik said he wants to get to know Nicole better. Mike made some racist comments attributed to his racist uncle, and Coral told him to shut up. Coral told her friend that Mike is going to go down.
Mike, Quarrel (tm julieyousuck), and Nicole sit in the living room at the Apartment with No Name. It's very much like the Horse with No Name, but it hasn't been through the desert. I can verify, however, that the heat was hot. Mike the Greenwich Village Idiot (tm Wing Chun) is telling some inane story. Coral is totally ripping on him, saying that Mike is the only one laughing at his own story, and making fun of Mike's laugh. Mike tries to ignore her and says that he needs a haircut. Quarrel asks him what his haircut is called. Mike tells her it's called a fade. Quarrel says something about "fade and sparkle" and cackles wildly at her own joke, even though she just made fun of Mike for doing the same thing. Wait, why am I defending Mike? I hate this show. Mike asks Quarrel how she thinks he should do his hair. Quarrel says that Mike's hair looks "ostrichy." Okay, Mike is dorky, but I don't see any serious problems with his hair. In a confessional, Mike says that he likes his hair. Oh, Mike. Don't get sucked into Quarrel's games. Just walk away. Quarrel tells Mike that he should cut his hair off. In an interview, Quarrel says that she likes to give Mike a hard time because he's "an easy target." And that's called bullying. Quarrel continues to make fun of Mike, and Nicole disappoints me by joining in a little bit. Mike points out that he and Kevin have the same hairstyle, but Quarrel says that the difference is that Mike's head is bigger. In a confessional, Mike says that today must be "Pick on Mike Day." If he'd been reading the forums, he'd know that it's actually "Pick on Mike Week." ["Shall I start campaigning now for 'Pick on Mike Season'?" -- Wing Chun]
Nicole and Quarrel head out for a night on the town. Quarrel voice-overs that Nicole is very insecure. Quarrel gives Nicole the same speech she gave Lori last week about there being fifty thousand guys in the city, all of whom will like Nicole. Once at the club, Quarrel and Nicole dance to "Love Don't Cost a Thing," or at least that's the song playing on the soundtrack. In an interview, Quarrel tells us that Nicole saw a hot guy, and that later the guy asked Quarrel if she was there with Nicole.
Back in the apartment, Quarrel tells the story of Nicole's club guy to the roommates, and everyone cheers. I guess at some point Nicole gave him her phone number. In a confessional, Nicole says that this guy is perfect and everything she wants in a guy, so she really hopes he calls. She met a guy in a club and talked to him for probably only a few minutes (given what happens later in the episode), and yet she knows he's perfect for her? No, Malik is perfect for her. In case you didn't get that love is in the air, the editors throw in about ten shots of a florist's display window, all decked out with a big heart for Valentine's Day.
The results of last week's poll were that I should count the Statue of Liberty this season, but I'm too lazy to go back and do a count for the first episode. Thus, the shot that appears right now is officially Statue of Liberty Shot #1. The credits don't count. It's day and then it's night. Quarrel and Malik are hanging out in the living room and Mike enters. In an interview, Rachel says that she wouldn't want to be on Quarrel's bad side, but that she doesn't think she has to worry about it, because Mike's got that taken care of. Mike asks Quarrel and Malik what they've been up to. Quarrel says that they went to the library. But she doesn't just state it factually. She says it as if taunting Mike, as if he couldn't possibly ever go to a library, because he doesn't know how to read. And maybe he doesn't, but that's no reason to make fun of him. Quarrel adds that they went to see some foreign films as well. Well, la di da. Aren't you cultured? You know what I did tonight? Watched television and ate pizza. And yet, I would be willing to go up against Quarrel in any kind of general knowledge quiz. I'm not saying that I'm super-smart. I'm just saying that Quarrel's not half as smart as she thinks she is. She's smarter than Mike. So is my couch. Malik says something about it being Black History Month, and Mike was unaware that it was. Quarrel and Malik laugh at Mike. Quarrel can't believe he didn't know, and starts picking on him about it. Rachel wanders in and Quarrel asks her if she knows, but Rachel doesn't. ["I have to say I only remember that February is Black History Month because of a Nat X monologue Chris Rock did on SNL years ago, in which he complained that The Man decided that February should be Black History Month because it's the shortest month of the year." -- Wing Chun] Quarrel imperiously orders Mike and Rachel to do reports for her, on Marcus Garvey and Rosa Parks. Mike perks up at the mention of Rosa Parks, because he knows the song by Outkast. Quarrel tells Mike that every word out of his mouth is insulting to her. When is she going to understand that Mike isn't racist -- he's just really, really dumb? In an interview, Quarrel says that Mike is "content in ignorance." Quarrel keeps yelling at Mike to get on the internet and do some research. Maybe Quarrel should do some research on manners, since she clearly has none. I hate that my feelings for these two have flip-flopped from last week, because it makes me feel manipulated by the editors more than ever. Quarrel finally walks away, dramatically saying, "Every day. Every day." Mike doesn't know when to cut his losses and asks, "'Every day' what?" Quarrel says, "Every day you keep talking." After she's gone, Mike sits there and thinks real hard.
Nicole puts some very, very dark lip liner on her lighter-colored lips. If Quarrel's so interested in educating people, maybe she could take Nicole to the makeup counter at Saks for a free makeover. Malik voice-overs how beautiful and nice Nicole is. He loves her, I think. Nicole asks Malik whether she should give her date "too much," and Malik tells her not to. Malik voice-overs that he and Nicole have "mini-flirts going on," but that they are also seeking outside relationships. Malik pretends to waft Nicole's perfume so that he can smell it. Have I mentioned how cute they are together?
Nicole walks to the subway stop where she is supposed to meet Rene. Nicole voice-overs that she doesn't want to get too excited, and that she's a pessimist. Nicole stands there waiting, and we go to commercial.
Murray: We arranged for Rene to be late, just like you told us to, so it's more dramatic.
Bunim: And you bought him the leather pants? Chicks can't resist leather pants. It's very important that we have some sex in the episode.
Murray: Of course. I charged them on my personal credit card. Do you think I could be reimbur...
Bunim: I'm going to get my nails done.
Murray: Sigh.
Back from commercial, Nicole is still waiting. Rene finally shows up and gives her a rose. In a confessional, Nicole says that Rene dressed nice and kind of looked like Lenny Kravitz. Well, maybe the leather pants and the hair, but his face isn't as cute as Lenny's, in my opinion. They get on the subway. In a confessional, Nicole says that she found out Rene voted for George W. Bush. They discuss it on the subway, and Rene says that he thinks Bush is a nice person. Aw, man. George Bush ruins everything. In the confessional, Nicole says that she doesn't know any black people who voted for Bush, and that she wonders whether Rene is "a little confused." Heh. He's got that accent. Maybe he's foreign? As they get off the subway, they banter about whether five or ten percent of blacks voted for Bush. In the confessional, Nicole says that Rene told her she was Afrocentric, which she is, but that if he said that, it must mean that he's not. They arrive at a bar in Times Square. Nicole tells us that Rene "doesn't date sisters a lot," and that she doesn't like "being the token sister." Nicole finally gets her page from Rachel, and makes her excuses to Rene so that they can leave. If they met at 8:00 PM, and he might have been a few minutes late, and then they took the subway to Times Square, and Rachel was going to page her at 8:30 PM, they must have been in the bar for all of five minutes. As they take the subway back, Nicole voice-overs that she doesn't know whether she could deal with someone so conservative. Nicole tells us that she had a wonderful time (in the five minutes they were together), but that she won't be going out with him again. As they part, Nicole says she'll call him. Heh. She totally won't. Rene's all, "Don't I even get a hug?" Nicole reluctantly goes back and hugs him. As they go their separate ways, she yells out, "Vote for Bush!" Ha ha ha. Nicole is my favorite, I think.
Nicole arrives back at the apartment. She shows Malik her rose and tells him that Rene voted for Bush. Nicole says she needs to have someone who likes hip-hop. As soon as she reveals that the date didn't go well, Malik breaks into a smile. Malik likes hip-hop! Date him! Mike asks if Nicole found out why Rene chose her. Nicole says Rene thought she was "fly." Malik adds, "Why wouldn't he?" Nicole responds, "The question is, 'Why doesn't everybody?'" In an interview, Malik says again that Nicole is beautiful and nice, and that he's not the only one who notices that. Nicole tells Rachel that Malik gave her a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice when she got home, and that she doesn't know why she even goes out when she has "it" at home. Exactly! That's what I've been trying to tell her.
Malik's childhood friend Nomani comes to visit. They don't give him any on-screen text introduction, so I'm just going with the spelling that the captioning used. Nomani lives in the Bay Area, and has come to New York to work as a DJ. Mike, Malik, and Nomani sit in the kitchen and talk about music. Malik tells Nomani about teaching Mike black history. Mike offers to teach Nomani a few things, and it's all very awkward for a minute until Malik finally mumbles that maybe Mike isn't at the teaching stage yet. Quarrel comes over and sits down, wearing a bindi (shades of Tet Girl) and a fanny pack. Okay, she just lost all privileges to make fun of anyone, ever, because she's wearing a fanny pack. Lori is nearby, making a sandwich. Nomani reveals that he forgot February is Black History Month, but he does remember that March is International Women's History Month. Quarrel playfully hits him on the arm, like, "You are smart, just like me! Let's make fun of the idiot boy!" Nomani gamely quizzes Mike about Malcolm X. Mike launches into an incredibly awkward and embarrassing explanation of the life story of Malcolm X, and everyone listening is just cringing because he's screwing it up so bad. See, he's just dumb! And socially awkward! He's a big dumb dummy. He's the Greenwich Village Idiot. Quarrel is staring at him all judgmentally, which I'm sure isn't helping. Mike notices that everyone looks like they want to crawl under the table, and says that it doesn't come out as smoothly when he says it as it does when Malik says it.
In an interview, Quarrel says that Mike is "a big brick wall," and "doesn't seem receptive." Quarrel tells Mike that he's comfortable in his ignorance. Nomani pipes up and says that he's only been there twenty minutes, but that he thinks Mike is interested in learning. Quarrel interrupts Nomani, saying that she and Mike have personal issues. In an interview, Mike says he doesn't remember making Quarrel mad, except when he didn't know it was Black History Month. Well, there was the little matter over breakfast last week, but perhaps that's been forgotten. Nomani says that he has respect for Mike's desire to learn. In an interview, Quarrel says that Nomani doesn't know what he's talking about. Heh. Quarrel tells Mike that she's never done anything to him to make him not want to be her friend. On the other hand, he has done a ton of things to her to make her not want to be his friend, and he doesn't even know it. Nomani asks how Quarrel knows that she hasn't done anything offensive to Mike, since she herself said that Mike doesn't know about the things he has done. Quarrel has no comeback to that. Go, Nomani! Can he move in? In an interview, Mike says, "Yes, finally!" and adds that it felt good to see someone stand up to Quarrel. I can't really blame the roommates for not doing it -- it's early yet and they probably don't want to rock the boat. I mean, I wish they would, but I can understand why they haven't.
"No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley plays. Quarrel and Lori are sitting at a bar. Quarrel says she doesn't want to dislike anybody, but that some of the stuff Mike does is unacceptable. So tell him that instead of bullying him all the time! In an interview, Lori says that Quarrel can't seem to get past Mike's being sheltered. Quarrel says she's not PC and she's not nice. Well, at least she knows it. Quarrel adds that she has respect for the human race. Well, that's debatable. I guess it's also debatable that Mike is a member of the human race. In another part of the bar, Malik explains the lyrics of "No Woman, No Cry" to Mike, and they hug and sing along. Bob Marley unites us all.
Bunim: Where was the sex? Are those two men going to have sex?
Murray: God, I hope so. Oops. I mean, "We're working on it."
Bunim: Working on it isn't good enough. And no one shouted this week. You people are incompetent.
Murray: Well, we thought that Coral would be good for at least one screaming match per week. I mean, she...
Bunim: Shut up! Don't talk to me. Just keep rubbing my feet.
Murray: Yes, mis...
Bunim: Silence!
week: Mike gets Rachel a fake ID so that she can go out with them, and she wears leather. I hope it's not Mormon Julie II: Electric Virgin-aloo. Lori puts the moves on Kevin in a bar while they are dancing. Ooh, John Lithgow was right in Footloose -- dancing leads to evil.