The Bronx Is Up, and the Battery's Down

In another part of the city, Malik, age twenty-three, from Berkeley, California, sits on a bench. I love that they list the city where the person attends college as their hometown. I still tell people that my hometown is Rochester, even though I don't live there anymore, and haven't for about ten years. Anyway, Malik says that the Bay Area is very culturally diverse, so he was looking at the Statue of Liberty and thinking about how diverse his new situation will be, as well.

Nicole, age twenty-two, from Atlanta, Georgia, walks along a walkway carrying many bags. In an interview, she says that she is anxious to get started with this journey. Nicole spots Malik and jokingly tells him not to "break [his] back to help [her] or anything." Malik gets up and gives her a hug. Dude, I think she wanted you to take her bag. In an interview, Malik says that he thinks Nicole is beautiful, and that they will be really close. Malik points out the Statue of Liberty. Nicole points out the Projects. You can see the shadow of the boom mike on Malik's back. Nicole is wearing a fedora. I don't know why.

Kevin, age twenty-two, from Austin, Texas, walks down the street. In an interview, Kevin says that he's a little intimidated by New York City, although he's "hung out in big cities before." Kevin approaches Malik and Nicole, and they all hug. Nicole's beeper goes off, and they, like the other group, are told to go to 32 Hudson Street.

In the subway, Kevin asks Malik and Nicole which show they think they will be on. Nicole thinks she's going to be on Road Rules. Malik asks her whether she wants to be, and Nicole replies that she doesn't, because she's "a chick." Kevin points out that the good thing about Road Rules is that it's shorter. Nicole says that she doesn't want it to be short, because she doesn't want to go back to her crappy apartment in Atlanta. In an interview, Nicole says that her apartment is "a dump," and "in a bad neighborhood." Nicole feels that she's ready to replace everything in her life with something new.

Mike, Lori, and Coral walk down the street. Did I mention that Lori has her hair in pigtails and it's adorable? They arrive at the house, and Coral goes inside first. They all can't believe how ugly the place is, and walk around saying things like, "This sucks!" and "I can't live like this!"

Totally kidding. Of course, they are psyched about this house, which has more rooms than most mansions, somehow. It's beautiful. It's actually, in my opinion, the nicest RW house since...well, maybe ever. It's not all gaudy like Seattle or New Orleans, but it's not spare and Ikea-laden like some of the earlier seasons. Mike has a rugby shirt on. I haven't seen anyone wear a rugby shirt since 1992. Mike notices the fish tank.

Malik, Kevin, and Nicole walk down the street. Nicole is bemoaning her choice of footwear -- stiletto boots. Not exactly the best walking gear. They're still really far from the house.

After a not-so-subtle shot of the local Gay and Lesbian Center, Mike asks the girls what area of New York their house is located in. Lori says that they are in Greenwich Village. Mike asks what kind of place that is. Okay, I didn't go to New York City for the first time until I was twenty, and I still know what Greenwich Village is. Idiot. ["Hee! Mike's the Village Idiot!" -- Wing Chun] Coral tells him that it's "trendy" and "eccentric," and that they are "by clubs and bars." Mike is psyched to be by clubs and bars. I hope his fake Ohio license gets him turned away at the door. Coral, not at all trying to stir up controversy, tells Mike that they are a lot of gays and lesbians in the area. Unlike the rest of New York City, which is completely devoid of homosexual activity. Lori says to Mike, "You're the homophobe, right?" Mike makes a face and says sarcastically, "Sweet!" He sounds just like the ad on the site right now for Dude, Where's My Car? In an interview, Coral says that she thinks that the diversity of New York "might be freaking Mike out a little bit." Lori asks Mike where he's from again, and he tells her he's from Parma, a suburb of Cleveland. And also, I might note, the setting for The Drew Carey Show. I only know that because the show's original theme song was "Moon Over Parma." Dammit, now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head all night. Coral asks Mike whether it's "a little country town," and Mike explains that it's an all-white city. I'm so sure that every single resident of Parma is white. More like, "Everyone that my family and I come in contact with is white." Idiot.

As Mike and Lori play pool (of course, there is a pool table in the house!), Kevin, Malik, and Nicole arrive. Kevin pronounces the house to be "phat." Did I miss the meeting where that word became popular again? I thought that was so over. But I'm old, so I often miss these things. In an interview, Lori says that seeing Malik and Kevin "makes [her] heart skip." She adds in Nicole as an afterthought. Everyone runs around and hugs each other. In an interview, Kevin says he's happy to see Lori in the house because they had an attraction at the finals. Mike points out the jar of condoms to Kevin. He is such a tool. Kevin jokes with Mike that the house is worth the long walk it took to get there. Mike is following Kevin around like a puppy dog. Wearing a rugby shirt.

Nicole is on the phone with her friend Shantel. Nicole can't believe she gets to be on The Real World and not Road Rules. Hee! I love how she doesn't even pretend that RR isn't the B/M redheaded stepchild. Nicole tells Shantel that there are three black people in the house. In an interview, Nicole says that she's still waiting for the Winnie to pull up so she'll have to leave. I like Nicole a lot, but the dark lip liner thing has got to go. Also, the neon eye shadow. Also, the eyebrow pencil. So, basically, I like everything about Nicole so far, except the way she looks. She doesn't look as much like a drag queen anymore, so there's that.

Nicole walks into the kitchen and asks her new roommates whether she's really there, or if it's a dream. Mike asks whether anyone else wants to go out tonight. Kevin scratches his balls (well, actually, probably his ball since he had testicular cancer) and agrees. Kevin thinks that if they don't go out that night, they are "weak-ass." Mike agrees, saying that they have to "start with a bang, go out with a bang, the middle's going to be a bang." I wish I could hear a bang. It would be the sound of someone with a gun, shooting Mike in the head. Idiot. In an interview, Mike says that, at home, he is the one who likes to go out a lot, and he thinks he'll have exactly the same role in this house. So, he's playing the role of "Idiot Underage Drinker from Ohio"? Mike and Kevin high-five (no, they really do) and Mike says they'll be getting in some trouble. Kevin non-sequiturs that he doesn't have a girlfriend. Mike asks whether all of the roommates are single, and they all are. Kevin asks Lori whether she's single now, and she nods. The rest of the third grade goes, "Whoooooooo!" They all tease Kevin for blushing, and Lori puts her head down and shakes it back and forth. Oh, Lord.

Mary-Ellis Bunim: Are they going to fuck or what? Jesus! We've got to get our ratings up before the new season of Survivor starts!
Jonathan Murray: I put that jar of condoms in there like you told me to.
Bunim: Well, they had better room together or somebody is getting fired.
Murray: Again?

Coral and Lori have a smoke out on the rooftop patio. Mike plays with the sand in the ashtray. No, really. Lori asks Coral whether she's one of those people who, when she's not happy with something, lets everyone know it. Coral says she's not rude; she just doesn't "extend anything." Mike tells Coral that she was nosy with Ellen. Coral says that she was making fun of Ellen, and sets up some more non-tension by reiterating that she thinks Ellen will be in the house. Mike doesn't agree. Coral asks him whether he wants to bet five dollars. In an interview, Coral says she "halfway kind of hopes that Ellen doesn't walk through that door," because someone will need to hold Coral back. Mike and Coral shake hands on their bet. Ooh, I'm so anxious, worrying that Ellen will be the seventh roommate! Except that I, you know, read magazines and websites, and thus know who all of the roommates are.

Rachel, age eighteen, from Orland Park, Illinois gets off a bus. Rachel voice-overs that she gets kind of freaked out in big cities because it's unfamiliar. She stops at a booth in Grand Central Station (I think) and asks a lady which subway she should take to get to 32 Hudson Street. The lady tells her. Rachel voice-overs that she's "never taken public transportation before alone, and [she's] scared to death." I can't even make fun of her, because subways in general scare me. I think it's from too many repeat viewings of the Homicide episode where Vincent D'Onofrio gets hit by a subway train. Rachel asks a woman on the street (who kind of looks like Jamie Pressly) how to get to 32 Hudson Street. Have they ever given out the house address this many times before? The woman points her in the right direction.

Rachel arrives at the house, and her roommates greet her. Malik gives her a big hug, as does Mike. In an interview, Mike says that he and Rachel got to know each other really well at the finals. Mike points out the condoms to Rachel. Has the dude never seen a condom before? Why is he so excited about the condoms? Do they not have those in Parma, along with black people and gays? Kevin hugs Rachel. Coral walks up and gives Mike his five dollars. Mike gloats. All of their pages go off, and Rachel reads a message saying, "Congratulations on being the tenth cast of The Real World." They all cheer.

And now it's time for the opening credits. You know what it says. The only interesting thing about this one is that when it shows Mike's picture, you hear a voice-over that says, "Sweet!" They call it "Back to New York."

One of the girls brings up the whole bedroom issue. Coral says that she's doesn't want a co-ed bedroom. In an interview, Rachel says that Nicole and Coral want to room with girls, and that her mom would kill her if she had a male roommate. Coral asks everyone whether they have a room preference. Nicole says that she doesn't have a preference, and will sleep on the couch, if need be. Hee! They quickly decide which pair gets which rooms, leaving the third room for the boys. The girls walk off to move in their things, informing Mike that he gets the "purple bow-tie" bedroom. Mike protests that his room is "so girly." Dude. Let me break this down for you. There's only one room with three beds. The girls don't want co-ed rooms. Thus, the guys get the room with three beds. It's not that hard. The guys complain that Rachel got there last, and that she is taking over. Like it's her fault that B/M is setting her up to be the innocent one, and wanted her to have to get to the house by herself. The guys protest that one of the girls' rooms is "a guys' room," because it's blue and there's a naked woman painting. Maybe it's a lesbian's room. Not that there are any on this season. That we know of, anyway. In an interview, Nicole says she named her room the "Celibacy Room," because Rachel is a virgin, and she's not getting any. Nicole makes a joke to Malik about her room being the champagne room, because we all know that Chris Rock says there's no sex in the champagne room.

Coral and Lori unpack in their room. Lori asks Coral whether she ever dreamed they would live together. Coral says no. Kevin says that it's starting to sink in that they get to live there.

Rachel tells Kevin that she was grounded for three weeks just before coming on the show, for getting a navel ring. Kevin can't believe she was grounded. I think Kevin is wearing flannel trousers. In an interview, Rachel says that considers herself "very mommied." Rachel tells Kevin that her mother wouldn't even talk to her on Christmas Eve and Day. Kevin thinks that's pretty harsh. I think it's emotional blackmail. She's eighteen! Cut the strings! Or at least, start fraying them a little. I hope we get to meet Rachel's mom this season. Kevin points out that it's not like Rachel was pregnant. In an interview, Rachel says that her parents got divorced when she was two, so her mom was overprotective, because it was just the two of them. Rachel tells Kevin that she's happy to be there.

All of the roommates walk down the street. I'm sure that wasn't conspicuous -- seven twentysomethings walking down the street with a camera crew trailing. Rachel stops and points out the Empire State Building to Mike, and then says they should go up to the top the day. At least I think that's the Empire State Building. I always get it mixed up with the Chrysler Building. All the readers who live in New York City are laughing at me right now. Yes, I am a country bumpkin! I'm chewing on a hayseed right now! They go to a bar called Cajun. Inside, someone asks Kevin if he plays. Plays what? God forbid we get a little context here. Rachel says she can play, "Come As You Are." Kevin notices the camera and totally changes the conversation to say that he doesn't play games anymore. I still don't understand what they are talking about. It sounded like they were talking about playing instruments, and then it sounded like they were talking about playing board games, and now I think Kevin is talking about playing relationship head games. Kevin continues to tell Lori that he doesn't play games anymore. Meanwhile, in the background, Mike starts singing, "Come As You Are," which cracked me up for some reason. In an interview, Kevin says that he won't do one-night stands anymore, and that he's not going to have sex unless he's in love. Hmm, will those words come back to haunt him? Kevin tells Lori that he got his share, but he wasn't as big a player as some of his friends, and that he had "a serious girlfriend for a year and a half." Did he meet her in Niagara Falls? In an interview, Lori says that she likes having sexual tension with Kevin because she likes the possibility of something happening. That's true. That's about the only thing I miss about being single -- the possibility and the butterflies and all that.

Kevin and Mike lie in their beds and talk about how awesome their apartment is. Mike says that he wanted co-ed bedrooms, but it doesn't matter, because he doesn't plan on getting laid. Then he says, "I like the innocent one." Does he not know Rachel's name? He's Steve Sanders. In an interview, Mike comments on how unique Rachel is. Kevin thinks that Rachel is a prima donna. Mike thinks that Rachel is "a different kind of pretty girl." He's gross.

Lori wanders into Kevin's room and hops on him in bed, saying that she's there to harass him. She sits on top of him, straddling him. Kevin says he's ready to go to bed. Lori tells him that he's "not being fun anymore." When was he fun? Kevin says something about not playing games, and Lori mockingly accuses him of wanting to stay in control, which I think is exactly it. Malik dives across the bed. In an interview, Kevin says that Lori takes things too seriously and blows things out of proportion. Ooh, he is so playing her. She just wants to fool around, because she thinks he's hot. He's making it so that it will be portrayed as her chasing him around. That's my take on it, anyway. Kevin tells Lori that she's always aware of what she looks like in front of him. Huh? In an interview, Lori says that Kevin frustrates her. Lori agrees to leave, saying that she quits. It's not clear, but I think she was referring to the fact that she wanted them to hook up on the first day, and obviously it's not going to happen.

Downstairs, Lori shows Malik her new journal. He starts reading it aloud, but she shushes him because it's about Kevin, and she doesn't want him to overhear. Lori says, "I don't want him thinking I'm in love with him any more than he already thinks I am." Why did she show Malik the journal in the first place, then? Upstairs, Kevin pretends to sleep.

The morning, Coral and Malik make plans to go out to breakfast. Malik invites Kevin, who would rather sleep. Mike asks whether "Mama Coral" is making everyone's bed, but Coral says that she is only making Malik's bed. Ooh, first confessional of the season! The confessional room looks like it has inflatable walls. In the confessional, Mike says that he thinks he can learn a lot from Coral. Lori has just gotten out of the shower, and Coral reminds her to pull the curtain all the way across. She's bossy. Malik starts to use a piece of twine or something for a belt, so Mike lends him a proper belt.

Mike, Coral, and Malik go out to breakfast. In an interview, Mike says that they were talking about education. Malik says that they need to make more schools. Mike says that they need to make more good schools, and talks about how bad the Cleveland public school system is, and that the teachers don't care. Then Mike says, "My uncle won't hire black people, because he hired black people before, and he found that most...like, like they were sl...like, because of their educational background, they would tend to be slower." With a sentence like that, he's picking on the education of others? Talk about your pot and kettle. Coral rolls her eyes and says that it has nothing to do with education, and that Mike's uncle is racist. Malik asks whether Mike's uncle would hire him, even though he's black, if he was qualified. Mike says that his uncle told him a good reason for his hiring policy: "Black people don't necessarily get as good of an education." Coral tells him to stop talking. Mike says, "Okay. Whatever." In an interview, Coral says that when Mike says that black people aren't educated, it means that all the work she's done is for nothing. Mike tries to defend himself, saying that he's only referring to the black people in Cleveland. Oh, well if that's what he meant...no, he's still an idiot. Coral points out that even if he thought it were true, he's sitting at the table with "two African-American people," and orders him not to insult her. Mike claims he's not insulting her, but Coral snaps at him to let it go. In an interview, Mike says that Coral got really pissed off at him, and he wishes he hadn't said it. Coral and Malik leave together. I guess they killed Mike. Good. Malik thanks Coral for saying something. In an interview, Malik says that he didn't have to say anything about how hurt he was, because Coral expressed it. They walk down the street and discuss how ignorant Mike is. I hope it's a long walk home, because that's going to take some time.

Some upbeat music plays. In an interview, Lori says that Kevin is attractive, and that if they hooked up, she would be fine because she handles "casual kisses very well." Lori, Nicole, and Rachel get ready to go somewhere while Kevin sleeps. Lori tells the girls that when the subject of kissing came up at some point, she and Kevin shared a look. In an interview, Nicole says that she thinks Lori and Kevin are going to hook up. The girls leave the house and walk down the street. Lori continues to talk about Kevin. Basically, her point is that he thinks that if they hook up, she will become all clingy and freaked out, when it's not like that. But, she continues, his pointing it out is making her neurotic.

Kevin sleeps on the couch. Does he have a sleeping disease? Lori runs down the stairs and jumps on top of him. In an interview, Kevin says that his life has been full of drama because of the cancer, and that he's ready to have fun. Lori lies on the couch with him, and he puts his arms around her. In a confessional, Lori says how great Kevin is. Lori and Kevin banter that cancer is an experience that changes you. In an interview, Kevin says how great Lori is. Oh, just do it already. You're killing me.

Coral, Malik, Nicole, and Rachel sit around the living room. Coral says that Malik is "a talker and an educator," but she can't be like that because she doesn't have the patience. Malik explains what Mike's transgression was. Nicole can't believe it, and asks if it's 2001 or 1930. Coral points out that Malik goes to a good college, and that they are "most black people." Rachel thinks that Mike will learn a lot. Lori shows up at some point. In an interview, Nicole says that she thinks Mike can learn a lot from being in the house with her, given her background. In an confessional, Mike says that you know when Coral is mad at you, and that he's a little scared of her. Me too. Mike walks downstairs and sits in the living room with Coral, who ignores him. In an interview, Coral stares at the camera for about ten seconds and then says she's not paying attention to Mike at all, because if she doesn't like someone, she's not going to put in the time. You know, it was a stupid thing he said. In the confessional, Mike says he is sorry, but he didn't say that. In an interview, Lori says that Mike should approach Coral. They continue to sit in the living room without speaking.

Mary-Ellis Bunim: God, if Kevin and Lori aren't going to have sex, can't someone get in a fight? What is with this silent treatment? That is just not acceptable.
Jonathan Murray: I know. We tried to get Coral all riled up in her interview, but she just stared at us. I'm scared of her.
Bunim: Girl, please. Maybe we should plant some racist literature in Mike's closet. You know, like when David "accidentally" left his journal page out on the floor in Seattle?
Murray: Brilliant. I'll get right on it.

As the others play pool, Mike and Coral continue not to talk. In a confessional, Mike says that the way that Coral looks at him makes him feel like he's nothing. Coral gives Mike the stink-eye. Mike thinks that Coral hates him, and it hurts. Lori asks Mike whether he wants to go out somewhere, and Mike says that he just wants to get out of the house. Nicole, Kevin, Rachel, and Mike go to Times Square. All of the hicks crane their necks to look at the big buildings and shiny lights. Rachel is excited about all of the opportunities that the city offers.

Coral is giving Lori a tarot card reading. In an interview, Coral says that her mother is an astrologer, and that she reads cards. Let me tell you something. I used to read tarot cards. It's a load of crap. You can interpret the cards to say whatever you want them to say, especially if you know the person getting the reading. Coral tells Lori that she has a broken heart. In an interview, Lori says that she just broke up with her boyfriend of ten months, and that she misses going to his apartment. Coral tells Lori that she might be alone for a while, but that Lori should take the time, because she won't be alone forever.

That night, Lori tells us that they are going out to have some drinks in the neighborhood. Lori stands on the street corner and drunkenly talks to Kevin. In an interview, Lori says that she likes "drama, little conflicts," and she hates being bored. In an interview, Kevin says again that he's done with drama. Kevin and Lori have a nonsensical conversation about her worrying over the way she looks to him. Lori says she's not neurotic, and that she's looking forward to a time when they actually know each other, so that they don't have to play games anymore. Meanwhile, I think they just wandered into the Bowery.

Coral is on the phone with a friend from home, explaining the situation with Mike. On the street, Mike tells Kevin how mad Coral is, and how moody she is. In an interview, Kevin says that Coral has every right to be upset. Except that Kevin totally commiserates with Mike. He likes to have it both ways, I think. In an interview, Coral says that she doesn't think she and Mike will have any type of relationship. Kevin tells Mike that he has to be sensitive when it comes to talking about religion or race. In an interview, Kevin says that he doesn't think Mike believes what he said, and that he has to think before he speaks. In an interview, Mike says that he knows he's not racist. Coral tells her friend that after Mike made his stupid remarks, she started noticing all of the things that irked her about him. In a confessional, Coral says that the time Mike says something, he will hear her mouth. On the phone, Coral tells her friend that Mike is going down.

Lori writes in her journal. She voice-overs that she has nothing to lose in letting Kevin know that she's attracted to him. She theorizes that maybe she's more attracted to him than he is to her, or that maybe he's not attracted to her at all. She concludes, "What do I have to lose, really?" Her dignity? Just guessing.

Lori and Kevin sit up on the roof and snuggle. In an interview, Kevin says that there are "certain parts of Lori that [he's] very attracted to." I can only guess. In an interview, Lori says that their sexual attraction "has come to a climax." Ooh, poor word choice. Lori tells Kevin that she didn't want to talk to him about it, because she was enjoying the possibility and the tension. In an interview, Lori says, "[Kevin] seems interested in hooking up, and [she] would just like to kiss him now." They totally cut the rest of her sentence, which could have been, "But I'm not going to when he's being such a tease." Because that's what he is, you know. He rubs up against her, and cuddles with her, and talks about how attracted he is to her, but then refuses to follow through. He's a tease. Kevin says that he doesn't want to start something when they're going to be living together. Kevin tells Lori that they should just be cool, and that if they end up kissing, it will happen. In an interview, Lori says that Kevin is giving her mixed messages, because even though he says that he's not interested, he also says that they will kiss. Totally.

Rachel, Mike, and Kevin eat at a Chinese restaurant. Rachel tells Mike that he needs to think before he talks. In a confessional, Mike says that he really didn't mean to offend Coral or Malik, but that he did offend them. God, I'm already tired of this story line. We all know that Mike said a stupid, racist thing. We all know that he's sorry. Coral can choose whether she forgives him, and then we can move on. Kevin advises Mike to talk to Coral. In an interview, Kevin says that he doesn't want Mike to become the outcast of the house. Rachel advises Mike to make an effort with Coral. Mike wanted to wait until Coral was in a better mood.

In a confessional, Mike says that he was scared to talk to Coral. Mike walks up to Coral and bumbles and stumbles an apology, sort of. Coral says that she had no option but to ignore him. She tells Mike that he needs to step up and apologize. In an interview, Coral says that Mike isn't mean, but that he doesn't know better. Yes, we got it. Coral tells Mike that he should tell her if she makes him mad, because it's a two-way street, and she's not perfect. In an interview, Malik whispers that living together is going to change them all. Seriously, he is so soft-spoken. Mike and Coral hug. Well, that story line is over, at least.

Oh, but it's not. Mike is on the phone with a friend from home. He explains about Coral's evil eye, and then says Coral is cool. In fact, Mike enjoys the diversity of his roommates, and says how much he needed something like this. Because all of his roommates are there to serve his needs. Okay, I think that story line is really over now.

Lori and Kevin horse around. In an interview, Lori says that Kevin knows she's attracted to him, and he's always pushing her away and telling her, "Later, later." But then he jokes about them hooking up and hugs her and it's confusing. He's a tease! He wants camera time! Run, Lori, run!

In their bedroom, Coral asks Lori about Kevin. In an interview, Lori explains that crushes hurt. We cut back and forth a few times between Kevin in bed and Lori in bed. Kevin tells Malik that he and Lori are friends. Malik thinks that something is building between them. Kevin explains that he doesn't want a pre-meditated kiss, and that if it happens, it happens. Coral advises Lori not to let herself be put on the back burner. Yeah! In an interview, Coral says that Lori is fun to be around, and that she doesn't know what Kevin's problem is. Coral tells Lori that Kevin is dictating the terms of their relationship. In an interview, Lori says that Coral is confident, and that she isn't as confident herself. Kevin tells Malik that Lori is pretty. Malik asks whether he's going to kiss her. Kevin say that it will probably happen. Coral reminds Lori that there are tons of guys out there who are way better than Kevin, and that she could get any of them. Lori says she knows, and that she's not desperate -- she just has a crush. Ugh. I've been there, sister. The too-cute-by-half song on the soundtrack says, "It's tough to have a crush on you."