Previously, on the Real World: I missed the "Previously" segment, but is it really that important?
As the show opens, the helpful on-screen text tells us all that it is "the Friday before Mardi Gras." The cameras pan down the street, and there are lots of people -- some in costume, along with coolers, and lawn chairs. I decide immediately that it would suck to live in New Orleans year-round, just because the influx of stupid tourists during Mardi Gras season would be so annoying. President Clinton and his family vacationed about a half-hour away from where I live last summer (and will again this summer), and that was annoying. I figure Mardi Gras is sort of like that, plus thousands more people, plus beads, plus nudity, plus drunkenness. Oh, I'm already annoyed, and we haven't even seen any of the roommates yet.
At Belfort, Julie is in the kitchen, explaining to David and Melissa that she doesn't "completely comprehend the whole Mardi Gras thing." In an interview, Julie says that this is her first Mardi Gras, and she's "totally virgin to the whole Mardi Gras experience, among other things." Hey, Julie's a virgin? I didn't know that! I wonder how she kept it a secret for so long. As for Mardi Gras, couldn't Matt the Catholic explain it to her? About Lent and sacrifice and living it up before giving it up? Oh, I guess she meant what Mardi Gras is about now. Melissa fills her in: "Boobs and beads." David TMIs that it's "heaven for [him]." In an interview, Melissa gives a little more Mardi Gras info, saying that there are "parades, loud music, marching bands." Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Back in the Kitchen of Shocking Mormon Virgins, Melissa reiterates that it's about "boobs, beads and booze," and wonders what more you could ask for. A plane ticket out of there? David repeats dreamily, "What more can you ask for?" In an interview, David says that he doesn't drink, but he's "down with the sex part." All the New Orleans natives around the world roll their eyes. Poor little Julie asks if it's like an "inflated Disney parade." I guess I shouldn't be surprised that someone who thinks it's okay to say "colored race" hasn't seen those late-night ads for "Girls Gone Wild" video tapes. Melissa tells her that there is nothing Disney about it, and David chimes in, "Triple X Mickey." In an interview, David says that during Mardi Gras week, it's "written in the law that you do not wear panties." Okay, I officially ban David from ever saying the word "panties" again. Ever. But clearly, he has seen those "Girls Gone Wild" ads. He probably ordered the tapes. Julie says that if men start taking their pants off, she'll go into the fetal position on her bed. When she mentioned men taking their pants off, David raised his hand. Ew. I have to go take a shower, because I feel dirty. And there are still like three more days before Mardi Gras. I had better invest in some hand sanitizer.
A marching band goes by the house, part of one of the many parades. Some girl is working her flag for all it's worth. She is sassy with her little marching band uniform! Julie wants Melissa to come outside and watch the parade, but Melissa is busy emailing someone. Okay, I confess. It was me. She was feeding me insider info. If you send me money, I'll tell you all the behind-the scenes dirt. Julie is frustrated with Melissa's slowness. I don't know why she can't go out by herself. Julie has a cute little gray dress on. In an interview, Julie says that it's Mardi Gras and that people are sleeping (shot of David sleeping on couch) or shopping on Magazine Street, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. While I agree with her for the most part, it's not really a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It happens every year. I think she knows that once her parents see these episodes, she'll be locked in her room until she gets married. Julie and Melissa stand out on their porch and watch the parade. Melissa does her ass-slapping dance move for the crowd, to my dismay. They see some little girls dressed up like princesses on a float. Julie and Melissa practice the "elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist" beauty queen wave. Julie likes the princesses. Suddenly, it's night-time and "Shake Your Bon Bon" is playing on the soundtrack. Women are shaking their naked bon bons all over the place. And with this one woman, I do mean literally ALL over the place. I think one of those babies flew up here to New York State! I caught it and threw it back. See the subtle comparison between Julie / princesses / daytime and Melissa / naked chicks / night-time? So subtle.
Danny says that they are invited to dinner at Anne Rice's house. I should state right now that I am not a fan of Anne Rice as a person or as an author. I've read, like, two of her books, and I hated them. And I used to work in the book industry, and I've heard stories. Just so you fans out there know where I'm coming from: I know I'm biased. Anyway, there's a note stuck to the wall explaining about the "catered" dinner. Matt says he doesn't know if he will go. Kelley says they are expecting all of the roommates. Danny points out that it's catered, like Anne Rice can't afford to absorb the cost of one meal. But it would be rude, and really, why wouldn't you go? Free meal! Sign me up! Matt admits that he doesn't know who she is. Does he live in a cave? I know she's not as big now as she was like five years ago, but she's still kind of a household name, isn't she? Kelley is shocked at Matt's ignorance, and prompts, "Interview With A Vampire?" and then points out that she is a "famous artist" and "the most famous person in New Orleans, by far." Okay, I know Kelley is probably exaggerating to make a point, but I would not refer to Anne Rice as an "artist." Hack? Sure. Publicity whore? Definitely. Egomaniac? You betcha. Artist? Not really. I don't live in New Orleans, so I can't really comment on the whole "most famous" part, but I'm sure someone will in the "Embittered locals speak out" thread in the forums. Kelley points out what a big deal it is that Anne Rice invited only them to dinner. Danny says that she probably doesn't know that she invited "seven dorks to dinner." Kelley jokes that they will be like, "Hey, pull my finger, Anne." I laugh because farts = funny. ["I laugh because reading about farts = funny, and also because I've been awake for almost twenty-four hours." -- Wing Chun] Jamie (who knew he was sitting there?) looks confused. Matt looks annoyed. Shut up, Matt. I know he wasn't talking. It was a pre-emptive shut up.
The on-screen text informs us that it is now the Saturday before Mardi Gras. The group is walking to Anne Rice's house, sans David, I think. They ooh and aah as they walk inside. Some random guy is sitting in the corner, so I guess Kelley was wrong and it's not "just them." Anne's son Chris introduces his mother, who basically says, "Welcome! You all look great!" and then disappears. Nice hostess. Clearly, Christopher was the one who wanted them all to come over and phoned the B/M offices and used his mother's name. Then when she found out, she couldn't say no, so she went along with it, but she was all, "I'm not hanging out with those idiots. I'll come out and say hello, and then I'm out of there. I'm sick of your antics, Christopher! You've got to stop using my name to get people over to the house! I was hospitalized earlier this year for diabetes, you know. Have a little respect!" At least, that's how it happened in my mind. Plus, the whole publicity whore thing. We see a shot of the swimming pool, complete with multiple fountains. Jamie says that he's seen houses like this before, but he sounds as if he were about to say that this one is the best or something. I mean, he didn't say it in a jaded, "Yeah, my servants' house looks like this" kind of way. I know when you saw Jamie's name, you probably expected something like that. Danny interrupts him to say that he has seen places like this too, but he was working there as a server. They all laugh, and Melissa says she has never seen a place like this. We see random shots of Anne Rice's house, which looks exactly as clichéd as you would expect -- lots of voodoo crap, shrunken heads, religious artifacts and creepy dolls. I missed the part where they showed her National Book Award. Oh, that's right, they didn't. She never won one because she's a HACK! Wow, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one. Anyway, Christopher is giving them a tour and announces with a lot of fanfare that this is "where Anne Rice does her stuff." Isn't it weird that he calls her "Anne Rice" instead of "mom"? Maybe part of the deal she made with him for using her name to get them all there was that he has to try to insert her name as much as possible in front of the camera. Because, did I mention she's a publicity whore? While the kids look around the room, we see an interview with Jamie, where he says that she opened her home to them, and it's "a special thing" and that a lot of people would kill to see what they were seeing. Well, that part is true. And who knew Jamie knew how to be grateful for opportunity? Danny is suddenly and randomly and for no apparent reason in the pantry with two of the waiters. In an interview, Jamie says with no transition that they are excited because there are seven spots for them on float number nine in the Orpheus Parade. On the front porch, Christopher explains to Melissa, Jamie and Matt that his mother rides on the front of the float and her peons -- I mean, the Real World castmates, will ride on the back. Matt asks if people know that it's Christopher and his mother on the float. Christopher says, "You mean, Anne Rice? Who has a new book coming out in October which will be available at bookstores everywhere?" Okay, so he doesn't, but come on. Like Anne Rice would do anything anonymously. In an interview, Jamie says that it's a huge deal that they get to ride in the parade. Melissa can't believe it. There's a random shot of a waiter. Then a wine glass breaks, and Melissa flinches and then runs away. Ha! That was funny. I would've been the one dropping the glass in the first place. I'm klutzy like that.
Now it's the Sunday before Mardi Gras, says the on-screen text. Matt is playing pool while Melissa and Julie relax on the couch. Matt asks them if they have ever seen as many gay men as they have in the past two days. Julie says no, since Danny was apparently the first gay man she ever saw, ever. As far as she knows. Melissa says she was just thinking the same thing, and starts listing off the two guys who came to pick Danny up, and "the nineteen last night." Was she keeping a sexuality scorecard? How did she know there were exactly nineteen? Matt adds that the "chefs and servants came up on him" and does a mincing, stereotypically gay walk. Have I mentioned that I hate Matt? I do. Matt thinks they were "all flirty and stuff" and that he told them that he was straight, so they should "just quit now." Oh, yeah, Matt. You are so hot that gay men cannot even keep their hands off you. I'm sure they weren't either (a) looking for camera time or (b) messing with your über-Christian self. Julie says that one of them told her Matt was just confused. Matt says that guy must be confused because he wants Matt. What the fuck ever, dude. Melissa says, "They love you." I sit there and try to figure out if the editors meant that as comic relief, or more fuel for the Matt-haters. Possibly both.
Danny walks out of the house with a group of men. I hope Melissa got a count on how many of them were gay, since she seems to be keeping track. Danny voice-overs that he and "Wes" and some friends went to Oz (in a limo!), and that he has been "very tempted this weekend to be bad" and it's "very hard at this point." I think he means that the situation is hard. Get your minds out of the gutter! Wes kisses Danny on the cheek. Danny voice-overs that he is proud of himself for resisting temptation in situations where it would be very easy to lose control. Famous last words, General Custer. We see more shots of Danny getting hugs and kisses from random boys, and then some more floats go by.
In an interview, David says that Mardi Gras is about "letting go." Then we get to see that David meant letting go of his pride and self-respect. David has a blanket wrapped around him and is talking to some chick, who is sitting at the computer desk. David is mumbling something about "driving her home" and that chick can leave if she wants. The on-screen text informs us that the computer desk chick is a "friend of David's 'date,' who is waiting upstairs." I love that they put "date" in quotation marks. Friend says that she'll just hang out there. Then we see David getting into bed, and apparently his "date" doesn't want to show her face because she's hiding under the covers. David voice-overs that when he's "hooking up with somebody," it's "just a physical thing." As opposed to when others hook up mentally, I guess. Jamie goes to make a phone call, using the phone on the computer desk, and makes awkward conversation with Friend, who is still sitting there playing Minesweeper or something. David voice-overs that if Matt's in the room, he still has to "get [his] groove on." David continues, by saying that "as long as there's no shame in her game," he's going to go ahead and do his thing. Ew! All you see is David's comforter moving around, due to the people HAVING SEX under it, and then Matt lying in his bed with his pillow over his head. God, who knew I would ever feel sorry for Matt? I don't know why he doesn't do what I used to do when my college roommate would start getting busy with her boyfriend while I was in the room: yell out, "I'm awake, you know!" Of course, my roommate had a modicum of respect, which David clearly does not possess. That is just nasty. Nas-tay.
A drunken Jamie and not-as-drunk-Kelley are standing outside, listening at the "door" (it's actually a curtain). Kelley whispers to ask what they are listening to. Jamie says it's "the sounds of kertanging in the morning" and they both bust out with giggles. Julie comes out of her room in a towel to ask if Matt is in there. Kelley says, "I don't know. Probably." Julie makes retching noise and runs back into her room. Kelley whispers to Jamie that "her friend is playing on the computer downstairs." We get a shot of Friend totally opening all their files and shit. I hope Matt showed them how to password protect them! Jamie says that he'll sleep in Danny's bed. Julie says that she's sleeping in Melissa's room. I don't know why she's not sleeping in her own room. Kelley says that she'll be sleeping in her own room, but "not kertanging!" Jamie makes a gesture like he's pulling back a bow and arrow, which I don't get. Oh, Dr. Peter is coming over. Jamie runs into Melissa's room and yells, "Slumber party!" I think I like Jamie better when he's drunk. Dr. Peter appears in Kelley's room, wearing only pajama bottoms. Julie says she "needs to talk to Melissa, big time," and walks out.
The on-screen text tells us that it's the Monday before Mardi Gras. Danny is talking to Paul on the phone. He says he was hanging out with mostly gay people last night, and they were cool kids but they were "typical," and he's a lucky boy to have Paul. In an interview, Danny says that there is always a voice in the back of his head saying that if he can get Paul, maybe he can get someone ten times better. I say that if he thinks it's possible that there is someone ten times better than Paul, he's probably misguided, but he should do Paul a favor and let him find someone who appreciates him. Still on the phone with Paul, Danny confesses that he usually thinks with his dick, and that the biggest test was "being exposed to someone [he's] attracted to, and being able to look away from that and think of [Paul]." Danny feels he passed that test, and he's not thinking with his dick anymore. Boy, he's really verbally tying the noose, isn't he? Paul says that as far as he is concerned about the future, Danny is his heart and soul. Danny says he feels the same way. Paul misses him. Didn't Paul watch the Hawaii season? Gay military significant others always get cheated on! Always! He and Jess should form a support group.
The roommates find their float in a big warehouse. In an interview, Matt has a really good tan, so this must be after their vacation. Matt says that before he came to New Orleans, he didn't understand Mardi Gras, or how much it means to the city, or how much money is spent. The roommates all put on what they call "clown suits," but what look to me like a cross between Oompa Loompas and the dancing spacesuit guys in the Intel ads. In an interview, Melissa says she feels ridiculous, and she shows how ridiculous by dancing around and hugging her roommates, I guess. They all dance around, then they get on the float and it starts to pull out. It's still daylight at this point.
In an interview, Jamie says that David "for some reason chose not to go on the float." David is on the phone, inviting people over for a barbecue. In an interview, David says he didn't want to go, and that he wanted to experience Mardi Gras from a "spectator point-of-view." Yeah, because he didn't get that opportunity all week when he was sleeping on the couch while Julie and Melissa actually watched a parade or two. Why doesn't he just admit that he wanted to take advantage of his roommates being out to throw a party without them? I would admire him a lot more if he were at least honest about his intentions. David talks on the phone some more, telling someone they are going to "chill on the porch." I hope he doesn't really think that any of these people would hang out with him if he weren't on television and didn't have a prime parade-viewing house. In an interview, Julie says that David doesn't come to a lot of the things that they do, and he says he's not trying to exclude himself. Then Julie imitates David, "Woo, woo, that's not my scene, woo, woo." Hee! That was actually funny. To underline Julie's point, we see David say on the phone, "I'm gonna bounce now, and get all this stuff, woo, woo."
In an interview, Melissa says she is on top of the world, and that making everyone in the parade happy is an amazing feeling. I'm not even going to make fun of the roommates in this segment, or talk about how ridiculous it is that they get to be on the float only because they are on television. Because it does seem like a really good time. You get all the craziness and fun of Mardi Gras without having to deal with the drunken groping and the crime on the ground level. In an interview, Jamie says that they have "booze" and "each other," as we see him giving Melissa a big kiss. In an interview, Julie convenes the installment of Remedial Mardi Gras when she says that beads are a hot commodity and people will do anything for them. You don't say? I bet I can think of something they wouldn't do -- take off their clothes! Ha! Oh, Julie just said that they do rip off their clothes. Why, that is crazy! I have never heard of such a thing. In an interview, Danny says that seeing all the crazy stuff on the street makes you want to join in, and it is "the absolute most funnest thing" he's ever done in his life.
We see David and his "friends" on the porch of Belfort as the roommates' float approaches. They all continue to throw beads, and I swear to God Danny totally takes a digger but no one notices. If you have it on tape, watch for it. David hides in the house when he sees the float coming. In an interview, David claims that he didn't know exactly what float they were on, but he watched it from the house. Then we see a shot of David ducking into the house as if he were trying to avoid his roommates. Or maybe his "date" from the other night just showed up.
The music on the soundtrack says, "Out of controoool," as we see Danny taking a big slug of wine straight from the bottle. In an interview, Danny says that drinking "brings out [his] horniness, like ten times more than usual." Yeah, you and every other person in the world! And what is with Danny and "ten times." He has said that like, well, ten times. Danny takes another slug of wine. In an interview, Danny says that he becomes obnoxious when he drinks. Danny grabs Melissa and hugs her. In an interview, Matt says all judgmentally that when Danny gets "tipsy," he "becomes very loose with his affections and manages to kiss nearly everyone on the float." We see Danny trying to kiss Julie. Now the float has arrived back at the warehouse and the song keeps repeating, "out of controoool." In an interview, Melissa says that Danny is "out of control." What are they getting at here? Are they trying to say that Danny has been drinking or something? In an interview, Julie says that she's never seen Danny that drunk before. Oh, thank God Julie explained it. Some woman flashes her lower half, and then a different woman flashes her upper half. Suddenly a ton of people are in Belfort, and Danny is helping some guy flash the crowd. In an interview, Danny says that during Mardi Gras, people will flash "breasts" or "penises," but I hope he doesn't mean both from the same individual. Danny and one of his friends moon the crowd, and lots of pictures are taken. I'm sure those have already appeared on eBay. In an interview, Danny says he met some people, including one guy named Forrest who was flirting with him a lot. Uh oh, if we're getting a first name, he must be trouble. Forrest tells a very drunk Danny that he can't pick beads up off the ground, and that he'll have to give back the big ones around his neck. Danny does that drunk thing where he picks up the beads and just kind of stares at them like his brain can't quite compute what Forrest is talking about, but he knows it has something to do with the beads, and maybe if he keeps looking at them he'll figure it out, and by the way, why is the room spinning? In an interview, Danny says that on the way out of the house, Forrest pulled him into the confessional room. I thought it would be taping, but I remembered that the roommates have to turn on the camera manually. So, we get a shot of the confessional door, and then we hear a belt unbuckling and then (Good gravy!) a slurping noise. Danny voice-overs that it was then that he realized he had done a stupid thing. We see Danny bust out of the room, half-laughing but also claiming to be an "asshole" and then Forrest comes out and I swear to God, he wipes his mouth. Dude, why not just print up a sign that says, "I just sucked Danny's cock on national television. I have no pride. I'll be hanging out on the street corner with David's 'dates'" I guess that would be a lot of text for one sign. Anyway, Danny hustles Forrest out of there as quickly as he can, and Forrest is all, "Hug me! Call me!" and Danny is all, "Yeah, whatever. Bye!" and slams the door shut. Danny walks down the hall saying how he can't believe how royally he fucked up, and at least he has the graciousness to be remorseful, and he sounds really upset. Julie gets all nosy and runs after him asking what he did, and Danny keeps saying that he'll tell her later. Julie stops him and asks if it's what she thinks it is (and I'm sure her innocent little mind cannot even fathom what actually happened). Danny says it probably is, and Julie's all, "Oh nooooooo!" like I don't know why it's such a tragedy to her. Danny walks out the door, presumably off to search for his pride, since he clearly lost it before he got home. I mean blowjobs from strangers in closets, Danny? That's so Queer As Folk.
Back in Belfort, Danny has returned. He didn't find his pride, but he did find a bead (imagine that) and he stares at it real hard. Danny tells Kelley that he screwed up "big time" tonight. Kelley thinks he is talking about how drunk he was. He tried to like signal her with his eyes, but she totally misses the hint and makes a joke about his "liver saying goodbye." Danny says that "everything else is going to say goodbye too." I guess he means his balls after Paul cuts them off. Would you blame him? I mean, Danny promised him like a day earlier that he would be faithful. In an interview, Danny says that if Paul did this, Danny would be upset, but it's so hard with Mardi Gras, and he's trying to have a good time. Then Danny stares at the bead real hard some more.
Police cars go down the street, signaling the end of the parades, and then street cleaners follow. Danny is sweeping the porch, and he voice-overs that "Mardi Gras brings out the beast and the animal" and he's "glad it's over with." Yeah, you and thousands of other New Orleans residents, I'm sure. The phone rings in the background, but Danny continues by saying that Paul can overlook people doing dumb things because he knows it means nothing. In case you didn't get it that time, we see Danny on the phone with Paul saying that it meant nothing, and it was just Mardi Gras bullshit. Paul says he's not upset (!), and then mumbles something about "something wrong." I can never understand what these two are talking about. Danny says that if it upsets Paul, he should say something. Paul says he knows where Danny's heart is. Paul is the most forgiving person on the planet. I would have ripped Danny a new one. In a confessional, Danny says that he's thankful that Paul is cool with it and not upset, and that he's lucky because if he were on the other side, he'd be upset with Paul. Doesn't that kind of say that Danny lost some respect for Paul over this incident? I think it does. Back on the phone, Paul asks if jealousy is bad. Danny says that it's natural, until you cross a line where you don't trust the other person. Paul says he trusts Danny with all his heart. We see Danny symbolically sweeping the last of the garbage away. See, garbage equals Mardi Gras equals Danny's evil, cheating side. And Danny is metaphorically sweeping away his bad cheating side just as he literally sweeps away the Mardi Gras debris. Can you tell I was an English major?
week: Danny says that a line is drawn between David and the rest of the house. They learn they are going to South Africa on vacation, because apparently we haven't discussed racial issues enough this season. Julie points out that all of them together all the time is going to be "hairy." Someone dangles from a ledge and screams. I hope it's Matt.
Over the credits, Matt and Danny discuss how they had to piss in a bottle while on the float, and people wanted them to throw beads, and they couldn't because they were pissing. Danny caps off the conversation by saying, "Thank God, no one had to take a dump." What can I add to that? Nothing.