You know how every season, at least a couple of the people on Real World are only there because they are hoping to launch a career as a singer, actor or other entertainer? Well, of the roommates from Hawaii, it turns out that Colin was the one. Who knew? Anyway, he's on this show called M.Y.O.B., although based on the reviews, they should have just saved everyone a letter and called it D.O.A.. In case you missed it (and I hope you did), here's the scoop.
The show starts with a shot of a high school, with lots of pretty people, and a teenage girl speaking in a voiceover. She's talking about how unrealistic this high school scene is because the kids have "bouncy hair" and "clear skin," and she's not like that. You know, I liked this opening scene better the first time I saw it -- on Freaks and Geeks. And it was a lot subtler because there was no anvil-icious voiceover explaining the whole thing to us. We finally get our first glimpse of the girl speaking, and she has bouncy hair and clear skin, which just negated that whole opening scene. She looks a lot like Portia De Rossi. A lot. In fact, although she tells us her name is Riley, I'm just going to call her Portia Junior. She walks through an airport and explains to us the whole time how she knows this sleazy guy is looking at her. Once again, I liked the omniscient, disaffected female narrator better the first time I saw it, when it was called The Opposite of Sex. This makes sense, since the guy who wrote Opposite of Sex also produced this show, but maybe he needs to come up with something new. Anyway, she gets a ride from Sleazy Guy, ends up eating a meal in his hotel room and when he comes onto her, she manages to make a Paula Jones reference and stick him in the nether regions with a toothpick from her sandwich, all while making a clean getaway and narrating the show.
Portia Junior gets a ride from a chicken farmer and pulls up to a school, telling us that she found out she was adopted from her father's girlfriend, and when she asked her father about it, he just said, "M.Y.O.B." See what they did there? That's the title of the show! Portia Junior walks down the hall in the school, while telling us that she doesn't have time to go into that, "not with all the ads for Just Shoot Me they want to squeeze in here." I can just see the network executives patting themselves on the backs for that clever meta-reference. I hear the teenagers love those, because it makes them feel like insiders. Portia Junior walks into the principal's office and says she's looking for her real mother or real father, and the principal has a heart attack. A woman runs in and Colin is right behind her -- that marks his first appearance in the episode. Colin tries to hand the woman a first-aid kit, and she tells him to dial 911 instead. See, Colin's character is supposed to be dumb. You know, typecasting. Portia Junior makes some insensitive remarks about the dead principal, because she's hardened due to her difficult upbringing. Some guy named Mitch runs in to help, but they do not succeed. Later, Mitch and rescue woman from earlier banter about the dead principal, and we find out rescue woman's name is Opal. Opal and Mitch went to college together, now Opal is going to be the new principal, and Mitch will be working for her.
Opal goes into a bathroom stall just as Portia Junior exits one, smoking. Opal tells her not to smoke. Portia Junior smooths her hair for about the tenth time this episode. She's disgusted that Opal didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom. Opal starts lecturing her. Portia Junior reveals that she is the child of Opal's sister, Pearl. What is with this family and the jewels? Lauren Graham, who plays Opal, should definitely hire the hair and makeup artists from this show to do her new fall drama on the WB, because she looks fabulous. Back in her office, Opal tells Mitch that Portia Junior could not possibly be her niece because Pearl was never pregnant. We find out that Pearl moved to Finland fifteen years ago with a cult, but Opal has e-mailed her the latest developments.
Portia Junior is in Opal's house, rummaging through her things. She makes some more meta references about how normally television shows pan across a living room, showing photographs and "queer souvenirs" in lieu of character development. Opal wonders how Portia Junior got her birth records, and Portia Junior reveals that her friend hacked into the state adoption records. Portia Junior's name was Marie at birth. She says her adopted mother was a disgruntled postal worker who shot a bunch of innocent people, in a backstory so completely unnecessary that it's just annoying. Opal points out that the birth records could have been forged since they don't have the state seal on them, but she's going to let Portia Junior spend the night anyway. Portia Junior watches the preview channel because it's "soothing." Opal claims she never watches television, but then says that Law & Order is always on. I wish it were on my television set right now instead of this crap show.
A.J. (that's Colin) raises his upper lip and blinks a lot. That's how Colin chooses to portray stupidity. Opal runs into the office and tells him to turn the television on. Sleazy Guy from the hotel is the superintendent, and he makes Mitch the new principal in a press conference. Who has a press conference to announce a high school principal?
Opal tells Portia Junior that Mitch married one of his former students when she claimed to be pregnant, but then it turned out she wasn't. Portia Junior admires this former student for using her head. Opal's all mad at Portia Junior for being a "new modern woman". I would go into more detail, but believe me, it's not worth it. Opal says that Pearl (Portia Junior's alleged mom) was like Portia Junior -- drunk with power over boys. Opal reveals that she got an e-mail from Pearl, saying that she was never pregnant.
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God, is this show still on? Okay, Opal offers to get a blood test because it's possible that Pearl is lying. Portia Junior is touched, so she calls the hotel and gets a receipt from the room she got with Sleazy Guy/Superintendent. She goes to Sleazy Guy's house and blackmails him into making Opal the principal. Opal is mad that she didn't get the job on her own merits, and makes Sleazy Guy admit that she is more qualified than Mitch, which he does. Mitch gets all pissed off and vows revenge.
Colin does some paperwork with his upper lip wrinkled.
Portia Junior says that Opal tried to find her a foster family and couldn't. She's staying until the "very special episode where [she] finds [her] birth mother." Enough with the meta-references! Portia Junior hopes that we, the viewers, are not disappointed that this is just like every other television show. If we are, she tells us we can always watch Law & Order. Thanks for the suggestion! It's time for me to do just that.
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