We open the episode with a shot of (all together now) the Space Needle. In case you weren't sure yet that we're in Seattle. I'm starting to feel like every time they finished editing an episode, the producers would say, "What? We're two minutes short? Stick in a couple of Space Needle shots." Inside Pier 70, Rebecca is lying on the scary couch. Am I the only one who thinks that couch is scary? It's covered in, like, magenta shag carpeting, with green shag-covered pillows. It just looks like it has a lot of crumbs in it, and smells bad. Anyway, Rebecca is reading the alternative weekly paper, and she asks Irene what her sign is. Irene replies, "Aquarius" and Rebecca starts reading her horoscope. I'm guessing it's Rob Breszny's Real Astrology (or as it is now known, "Free Will Astrology"). Rebecca reads about a "cynical gush of nonsense" which sounds like a good description for my recaps. The final line (and the reason this scene got included this week) says that Irene will soon experience "global warming in [her] pants." Irene asks if that means she's going to "get a piece" and Rebecca guesses so. Rebecca keeps reading the horoscope aloud, saying that Irene should "lust globally and make love locally." Irene jokes, "As opposed to making love long-distance?" then says that she is "astrologically confused." Rebecca reiterates that Irene will be "making love locally," but Irene says she won't be.
The producers subtly cut to Nathan, who is (all together now) on the phone with Stephanie. He's actually on the videophone. I know it was 1997 and all, but I've seen better picture quality watching Real Video over a 28.8 dialup connection. It's all pixilated. Either that, or Stephanie is one weird-looking chick. Stephanie asks Nathan about his roommates. Nathan says that "everybody's different in their own way, but everybody's kind of like the same." That Nathan is quite the philosopher. So deep. Stephanie wants to hear more. Nathan makes the tactical error of saying that he has hit it off with the girls, especially Irene. He describes Irene as a "funny bitch," and says that she has the same sense of humor as Stephanie and Nathan, and that Stephanie will like her. The producers try to make it look like Stephanie is angry by showing them sitting there, not talking, and then Nathan sighing. Knowing Stephanie, if it really did piss her off, she would have said something. Have you ever known her to hold her tongue when fighting with Nathan?
Irene tells Lindsay that she went to a psychic. Janet is listening in while standing in the kitchen. Irene says the psychic told her she would meet her husband within a week, but Irene didn't believe it. Janet eavesdrops some more. The moment Irene says "husband" again, they cut to a shot of Nathan. I don't get what they are trying to say here. Can we see more shots of the Space Needle?
Nathan and Rebecca are chilling in the hot tub. I don't mean "chilling" in the Teck Money sense of the word, though. Nathan tells Irene to open the garage door to them. Irene must have refused, because Nathan says he has to "talk dirty" to get her to do it, and then calls her a wench. I think Nathan has confused "talking dirty" with "insulting." I'm not sure I want to know what that says about his relationship with Stephanie. Irene jokes that he should "scratch his stomach and burp" when making such requests. Nathan burps. In an interview, Rebecca says that Irene and Nathan are "comical and sarcastic and they click and it's funny to watch." Irene tries to open the garage door, but can't, and Nathan tells her to trying unlocking it and calls her a "dumb-ass." Irene asks him why he's so nice to her all the time, and then tells Rebecca, "I love it when he calls me 'dumb-ass.'"
My prayers are answered with the twentieth shot of the Space Needle this season. The kids are all at an "End Session," similar to the one they had with Superdeluxe. They are all jamming out to Save Ferris this time around. Janet tells us in an interview that if they are successful at modulating, they will get to learn production and eventually get their own show. The concert ends and the roommates all start moving the equipment out. For the benefit of the radio audience (tm owen), Janet explains that they do a lot of labor and carry equipment. Lindsay struggles to get a case through a doorway, and ends up just shoving it through. That will be important later. More shots of people carrying equipment. Yawn. I wonder what else is on? Oh yeah, this is a tape. Do you think anyone would notice if I just fast-forwarded a little bit? Ha! Just kidding. In an interview, Nathan says that the girls bumped into a wall or two with the equipment. Aubbie, the annoying promotion director for the radio station, calls everyone back into the studio. She shows them where they damaged the doorway while moving equipment. The camera zooms in on the doorjamb and there is a tiny nick in the wood, and maybe a little paint rubbed off. Rebecca seems to share my opinion of the lack of damage, because she looks confused. Aubbie says that they will have to come in and sand it. In an interview, Janet says that she thought they did the moving without doing any damage, but apparently Glenn (the studio owner) thought something else. Glenn squats down to examine the "damage," and dramatically runs his finger over the wood. I think the producers paid the camera crew to do it so they would have a subplot this week. Glenn kind of looks like Art Alexakis from Everclear.
Another Space Needle shot, but this time it's at night. Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice, since it looks different at night. Irene, Nathan, and Janet are having a conversation outside the house. Irene says she just wants someone who makes her laugh. Janet says that laughing in bed together is "the best." Um, Janet? Your parents are going to see this, you know. It's not like Irene made a really sexual comment and then Janet followed suit. I think she's been hanging around with Lindsay too much. Irene says that you can be romantic with anyone but it's rare that you laugh with someone. Nathan interrupts to say that Stephanie can party with the best of them, and she gets nuts. Wha? Who was talking about partying? Weren't they talking about making someone laugh? Nathan claims that he and Stephanie partied their collective ass off, like rock stars. Irene and Janet look suitably impressed. Really? Like rock stars? Are we talking like Superdeluxe rock stars or like Led Zeppelin rock stars? In an interview, Nathan says that he's starting to realize that he misses Stephanie. Nathan tells the girls that he is really close with Stephanie's family. Irene says that is awesome but "it makes it hard." Nathan says it is hard because you become "locked into the situation" and Irene agrees that he is "locked." Nathan says he doesn't think of it that way, and that the day he does, he'll know it's over. I think they get sick of listening to Nathan go on and on about Stephanie, because Irene reminds Janet that she wanted to buy cigarettes, like Janet needs reminding, and they take off. Nathan is left alone on the pier, sitting on the ground and possibly crying, although it's hard to tell. In a voice-over, Nathan says he loves Stephanie with all his heart and it's been tough the last couple of days. Nathan, it's been tough your whole sad life.
Nathan is (sigh) on the phone with Stephanie, crying. Stephanie tells him that they'll get through it. Nathan says he just wants to hold her hand, and that he doesn't have any affection in his life right now, and he needs it. Maybe he could snuggle up with David one of these nights? Stephanie says she knows. Nathan says he's "thinking for the worst tonight," whatever that means. In an interview, Nathan says that if they don't make it through this five months, it will be a lesson to him, and he'd rather learn it now than six years down the road after they're married.
Irene is giving Nathan a back rub in his bed. Doesn't that count as affection? She asks about the phone call to Stephanie. Dude, which one? It looks like he made about ten in that one day. Nathan says that Stephanie was out with her friends and she had a great conversation about him, and she misses him. Irene says that of course she misses him. Nathan jokes that he thinks she knows he was upset, considering that he was bawling on the phone to her. Of course, we don't even know that he was referring to the phone call we just saw, but I have to make these kinds of assumptions or I'll go mad. In an interview, Irene says that Nathan has "awesome qualities" and that he "needs to be independent Nathan right now." I enjoy the comparison between loser Nathan and loser George Costanza quite a bit. I also agree that Nathan and Stephanie could use a little distance. They seem really, really dependent on one another. Irene goes into her bedroom and Nathan calls out, "Good night, jackass!" Irene responds, "Good night, loser!" I'm sure the other roommates appreciate them yelling to one another while they're all trying to sleep.
Aubbie is talking to the gang at the radio station. She says she's not mad about the doorjamb because stuff happens. Who would be mad about a doorjamb? Well, I guess Glenn would. Nathan says that there were other people carrying equipment, implying that maybe they weren't the ones who did it. Dude, don't make the producers break the fourth wall and bust out the footage. They're going to have to do it later this season, anyway. Aubbie prevents that from happening now when she explains that Glenn saw one of them jamming equipment through the door, but he didn't say who it was, and it doesn't matter. If he saw them doing it, why didn't he tell them to stop? This whole subplot is so stupid. Aubbie says they will all go back and fix it. She starts to leave and Rebecca and Lindsay call out to her. They start explaining that they may have been the ones who caused the damage, but they're not sure. Stephen walks up and says they will all go back and fix it together and have fun. Aubbie agrees that they will make it fun. How many people does it take to fix a doorjamb?
Irene and Janet are in Irene's room. Irene says that it takes a "unique type of guy" to handle her. Janet asks if she just sees boyfriends as boy toys, which must refer back to something said earlier. I really think this is from one of the first days in the house, because I think Irene has the same outfit on as the scene where she showed Janet the photos of her colon, and she seems to be unpacking. Anyway, Irene says she's had a lot of close guy friends, but she's never had someone to whom she considered herself attached. Janet postulates that Irene didn't let herself get attached. Thanks, Janet Freud. Do you bill by the hour? Irene agrees. Janet asks if she's ever been in a situation where someone's hello or smile makes her day. Janet seems really overly concerned with Irene's romantic history. Irene says she has had that, but she feels she has been more "mentally intimate" with guys than their girlfriends have. I can relate, since I was usually the "just one of the guys" girl, and all my guy friends came to me for advice about their stupid girlfriends. But I'm not bitter. Janet says that the "ups and downs of love" are exciting. Irene just keeps folding clothes.
Irene, Nathan and Lindsay are out at a bar. Irene says something about Nathan's not planning on "getting into a major relationship." Nathan says he is already in one. Irene notes that he and Stephanie have been together a long time. Nathan says that maybe they shouldn't be together while he's not there because he can't control what happens. Lindsay looks really bored. Irene says that he shouldn't have to control somebody. Nathan says he's not trying to control Stephanie. Irene clarifies that she meant he shouldn't feel like he has to control her. True, that. He should trust her enough to be able to handle herself when he's not around. Nathan says that maybe they met too young, but he still sees himself married to her. Lindsay wakes up and says that he sees a future with her. Nathan says he does, but he needs to get shit out of his system (i.e. have sex with a few other women) first. Don't worry, Nate, that will happen later this season. Just be patient. In an interview, Irene says that Nathan is "under an awful lot of pressure." Yeah, from her! She's totally trying to influence him to break up with Stephanie. Not that I think he shouldn't break up with Stephanie, but let's be honest, here. In an interview, Nathan says he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. In case we don't get it, they show Irene gazing at Nathan and then he tries to grab a pen out of her hand, but they make it out like he was trying to hold her hand or something. Oh, for crying out loud.
Janet and Nathan are sitting at the computer desk, and Irene brings out a CD for them to hear. She pops it in and they listen to the song "Good Night, Irene." This makes them giggle. Nathan says the song makes him feel "ninety years old" and like he should be "playing Parcheesi." Irene says the song "laughs in the face of Puff Daddy." In an interview, Nathan says he loves Irene because they joke back and forth constantly. The lyrics of the song at this point are, "Sometimes I take a great notion to jump into the river and drown." Irene laughs and repeats the line, then explains that the song is about a man who got married but won't settle down and now Irene, his wife, wants to jump into a river and drown. Wow, what a cheery topic for a song. Irene tells Nathan he's not paying attention and she's trying to "make him a better man." Good luck with that. You've got your work cut out for you, girlfriend. In an interview, Janet says that Irene is always asking where Nathan is, and Nathan is always asking where Irene is, so Janet is starting to think "there's a little more there."
Nathan and Janet are sitting on the scary couch. Nathan is trying to read and Janet is just staring at him, so he asks what is on her mind. Janet tries to subtly ask about Nathan and Irene. Nathan starts yelling, "No way, dude! No way!" and then says it angers him that she even thinks that. Janet asks why it angers him. Nathan says he's just kidding and that he's not angry, and then starts saying that he's never had sex. Janet totally falls for it. Nathan says he's saving himself for marriage. Janet doesn't quite know what to say, and Nathan cracks up and admits he's lying. What was that whole scene about? Just that Nathan denied that there is anything going on between him and Irene?
In an interview, David laughs about Irene and Nathan. He says that there is "redirected sexual tension manifested in a ridiculous manner." That marks two Real World recaps in a row where someone named David has used the word manifested. What an eerie coincidence. Or is it? Is he going to start talking about the glass menagerie again? David describes Irene and Nathan's relationship as "a loony Sonny and Cher thing." Throughout all the interviews in this scene, we see Nathan and Irene chasing each other around the house, playing grab-ass. In an interview, Janet says that when you find someone new that you like, it consumes your mind and you want to be around them because you get a happy, euphoric feeling. Is she talking about her and Lindsay or Irene and Nathan? In an interview, Stephen says that Irene and Nathan play around like kids, and he has no idea if it's a "bizarre mating ritual." In an interview, Janet says she wants to see where it's going, and that games only last so long. We see Nathan throw Irene onto her bed and try to pin her down, and she accuses him of pinching her breast. In an interview, Janet says she wishes something would happen because she's dying to know what's going on. Irene laughs and suddenly, we're back to the Space Needle for the twenty-second time. You guys thought I was just kidding when the Space Needle thing started, but it really does get more camera time than anyone else.
Back to the lame subplot. Rebecca, Lindsay and Janet are walking down the street. Rebecca asks why no one else is with them, and Lindsay says they all blew it off. In an interview, Janet reminds us that at first, everyone made a big deal out of the teamwork aspect of the doorjamb fiasco, but it ended up being just her, Rebecca and Lindsay. They arrive at the studio and Glenn asks where the others are. Lindsay mumbles some excuse. In an interview, Janet says she thinks Glenn was disappointed when he saw the three of them because he wanted to teach them a group lesson. Glenn makes a big production out of asking them if they know how to paint and stuff. He's bugging me. Janet says they'll do the best they can. Lindsay and Janet decide that if they get this done, they're going to celebrate by buying an ice cream cone. For God's sack, it's not like they have to move a piano, or paint a whole house. Janet starts sanding with a power sander, but it's not working. In an interview, Janet says they had no idea what they were doing, as if we can't see that for ourselves. Lindsay comments that the sander is like a "little vibrator." Um, ouch? I mean, she can do whatever she's got to do, but sandpaper? They start putting spackle on the door with their fingers, which doesn't seem like the most efficient means of delivery, and one of them comments that "this spackle stuff sucks." Rebecca tries to open one of the paint cans with very little success. Some guy, who looks like Jason Lee crossed with Matt Dillon's character from Singles walks in and observes, and starts giving them advice. In an interview, Janet says that he's a contractor. How many interviews did Janet do this week? I feel like every other sentence of this recap starts with, "In an interview, Janet says...". Janet asks the contractor to help. He makes fun of them a little about not being able to get the lid off the paint can and Rebecca says, "You don't even know, chief." I'm going to start calling people "chief," I think. The contractor points that they tried to punch a hole in the paint can lid, as if it were a can of Hi-C. He checks out the "damage" to the door, and I suspect he giggles a little at how minimal it is. Janet begs him to tell them what to do, and he does, and then leaves.
Janet puts tape down one side of the doorjamb and starts painting. She says to Lindsay, "Watch the master," and continues to paint. Lindsay is impressed at first, but then points out that Janet is getting green paint on the white part of the door. Janet realizes she forgot to tape the other side of the door. Yeah, she's a smartie. I mean, I'm no Bob Vila, but I think I would be able to figure out that I need to tape the parts where I don't want paint. Then it gets worse, because they try to put tape on while the paint is still wet. What a disaster. They must get it straightened out because Rebecca is painting something else. The contractor returns and says that they did a "fabulous job." Janet think he is patronizing them, but he says he's serious. Glenn is hovering in the background, and he finally comes over and checks out their job. He says it looks great and sends them all off with a handshake. The women leave without bothering to clean anything up, and there's newspaper and paint cans all over. I hope Aubbie doesn't make them go back and clean that up! In an interview, Janet (surprise!) says that they tried their best, and that's all they can say.
Nathan is, once again, on the phone with Stephanie. I swear, all he does this season is talk on the phone to Stephanie and get drunk. Stephanie asks Nathan if he's going out. Well, if he's not on the phone with you, he must be going out. Isn't that what I just said? Nathan says that he's just doing what she did. Then there's a really boring argument between them, like there's any other kind. But it's just tiring, and I don't feel like recapping it. David is sitting to Nathan and starts laughing at it. In an interview, Irene says that she heard Nathan on the phone and was like, "My God." Yeah, I feel you. Nathan argues some more. David looks at Stephen and says dramatically, "Life with your lady gets hectic." Stephen says he's glad he doesn't have to deal with that stress, seeing how he doesn't date women. Well, he didn't say the last part but he probably should have and saved us all the trouble later on this season. Nathan makes a gesture as if he were holding a gun to his head, and tells Stephanie that maybe they shouldn't be together. Oh God, they're that couple. The one that threatens to break up every five minutes. The girl says, "You won't go to the store and buy milk? Well, maybe we should just break up, then." The guy says, "You didn't vacuum yesterday? Well, maybe we weren't meant to be." We all know a couple like that. Then the girl calls you crying and says that they broke up, and you spend all this time consoling her, and the day they are back together. It gets old after about two times. Oh wait, there's an episode of Real World on? Where was I? In an interview, Irene says that Nathan will have regrets in a few years if he doesn't "take control of the situation." But wasn't she telling him earlier that he shouldn't have to feel like he needs to be in control? I'm so confused. I need some Space Needle to ground me. Nathan tries to get off the phone, but they do that thing where neither one wants to hang up first because then the other will be resentful. Nathan's all, "I've got to go out, everyone is waiting for me." Stephanie's all, "You're always going somewhere and you never have time to talk to me." Nathan is all, "I've got to go!" and Stephanie says, "Sorry to inconvenience your life." That was actually a pretty good line. She hangs up the phone and Nathan sits there listening to a dial tone. Ooh, burn! He drops the phone and says he can't believe it. Irene asks him what happened. Nathan says it wasn't like this between them before he came to Seattle. Janet comes by with her Marlboro Lights and says they need to get going.
Nathan and Irene are in a club, dancing, and it's a totally different night because they are wearing completely different outfits from the scene. Nathan is wearing a vest over a button-down shirt, and the combination of his outfit and the fact that he's dancing with his hands up over his head makes him look like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. I keep expecting him to break into "If I Were a Rich Man." In an interview, Nathan says he and Irene are both "late-night people" and they like to stay out until 3 AM. The music changes to "Good Night Irene," and they both look pretty silly dancing to it. Oh, there's the Space Needle! How I've missed it.
Nathan and Irene walk down the pier and Nathan is slurring his words all over the place. They walk in and say hello to Stephen. Nathan takes Irene's crackers. In an interview, Stephen says he might be crazy but he thinks that one of these nights those two will get weak. Irene and Nathan wrestle in various parts of the house. The lyrics to this part of "Good Night Irene" go: "I just want to make love to you." Oh, that's the kind of subtlety we've come to expect from B/M. David wakes up due to the noise, I guess. Irene stands at the end of the hallway that leads to the bedrooms, eating a cracker. Nathan is in the kitchen and he sees her standing there, and walks toward her. They both stand there and eat crackers. As with the episode, the editors just juxtapose a bunch of shots of unrelated things together to make a storyline. Nathan eats a cracker. Stephen is in bed, reading. Nathan eats another cracker. Irene eats a cracker. Nathan eats a cracker. Irene smiles. Stephen laughs, even though neither Irene nor Nathan are anywhere near him. What was that supposed to mean?
Space Needle count: twenty-three.