This time on The Real World: the kids find out they're going to Maui. Everyone hopes they have fun!
Wait. Now everyone's packing. When exactly did they find out they were going? Are we missing an episode? Pam opens a package and then everyone tells us they hope they'll have fun, and then the credits roll and now everyone's packing to go to Hawaii. Did I miss something? Pedro packs his meds. Rachel gets a last-minute phone call, and everyone bitches her out for taking too long.
Judd tells us that travelling with seven people can be very annoying. Judd's only traveling with six people, so I don't know what he's bitching about. Everyone's in the cab as Pedro asks for a show of hands as to who thinks Rachel's a brat. Judd proudly raises his hand as he looks out the window away from Rachel.
They're taking Polaroids of each other as they waiting to check into the airport. Judd's already complaining about the number of pictures being taken. He bitches and bitches and bitches to us as everyone else tries to have fun. More pictures are taken.
Aloha. Establishing shots of Hawaii. The hotel. The pool. Judd smiles and gets leid. Everyone gets leid. Jo and Judd hold hands. Their hotel room is pretty big, but the beds are small. Everyone starts claiming sleeping quarters immediately. Wow, it's really boring watching people go on a vacation. The bathroom is huge. Pam and Judd complain that Rachel and Mohammed tried to call shotgun on the suite. Rachel tells us that it only makes sense that she and Jo get the suite. It only makes sense to her, apparently, because there's a big ol' meeting about it while outside people are enjoying Hawaii. Mo says he'll take a room with Puck to sleep in the suite. They end up drawing cards for the room. Rachel and Jo end up with the little room. Rachel tries to be a good sport about it.
Judd's complaining about Rachel and Jo. Rachel complains that Judd's "too planned-out." The kids go to a luau. Judd complains that it's a "tourist event." Rachel informs us that there's an open bar. Aloha, I said.
The Hawaiian man blows the conch, but Judd keeps on talking, ignoring the lord of the flies. He complains that they have to eat the pig that's buried under the mud at the luau. Cory warbles to us that Jo doesn't eat meat or dairy, and that seeing a pig get roasted is "going to bother" her. This is why they eventually started making The Real World people get jobs and have to run businesses. These miserable bastards ruined it for everyone with their constant complaints and whining. They pull the pig out and drop it on a tray. Rachel tells us that the meat was so tender that the pig just immediately fell apart. She doesn't have to tell us that because we can see it, but she tells us anyway. Jo's immediately turning away and sneering, telling us that the "stench" was "awful." She calls the food a "corpse." Why don't you go back to your suite to bitch about it, Jo? Mohammed hugs Jo to console her from having to watch such carnage for free at a free bar with a free luau in Hawaii, where people try to have fun.
Rachel cheers that she loves her food while Jo pouts around her slice of pineapple. She tells us that she was eating a spinach salad the locals gave her to eat, when Mohammed notices there's pork in her salad. We watch Jo walk to the bathroom so she can throw up her meal. Rachel tells us, "She said it was a tortured soul, and she threw up." Cut to shots of the meat again. Jo cries to Judd, saying she feels so bad now that she ate a tortured soul. Judd touches her head and hugs her. Cut to shots of Hawaiian dancers in an attempt to make them look like savage beasts that slaughter and then celebrate like cannibalistic Chippendale dancers.
The morning, the kids are going to try surfing. Oh, Lordy. Rachel tells us that she's always wanted to learn how to surf. We watch them get a quick lesson on paddling and pushing up and popping on the board. Mohammed doesn't think so. Judd smarms, "I see. Thank you for all this instruction." Judd, there are only two steps to getting on the damn board. They can't be any more specific than that. We see Cory's ass and Rachel's ass go surfing out. Poor Pedro stays on the shore.
Wipeout montage. Judd complains. Pam stands up first. Cory is . Rachel's up. Whoa. That's a lot of Pam's crotch I just saw surf by. Pedro tells us that he had a good time watching everyone try to learn how to surf. He says it gave him time to relax and take care of himself so that he was able to do other physical things he didn't think he could do. Cut to Pedro parasailing. The girls cheer from the boat as Pedro floats above in his beautiful, his beautiful balloon. Pam tells us that she was happy to see Pedro parasail because he looked like he was having such a good time. Mohammed says that he enjoyed this trip because, "It made me see for the first time how tight we all gotten [sic]." Whoa. There's a lot of Mo in those shorts. Mo tells us that this is, like, a family and they, like, had sorta become friends, as we fade to commercial.
The kids board a caravan. Pam's wearing denim shorts with the ass cut out of them. No lie. Cory is excited to meet new people. Rachel tells us that the caravan was the "highlight" of her trip. Cut to Rachel sitting between two boys, laughing. Jo talks to some boy. Another boy. This is a boat of boys. Judd pouts as Pam talks to a boy and Cory's sitting a few feet away talking to another boy. "Okay," Judd says to us. "This is going to be a very long day. I can tell." Jo just smiles and cocks her head. Rachel flirts and tells us that the boys she's talking to -- Brian and Mike -- are the swim instructors. Judd pouts nearby. He complains to us that the girls were laughing at every little joke the swim instructors told. In Judd's defense (and I'll only write that once in my life), the swim boys are telling some lame-ass SCUBA jokes and the girls are laughing like Chris Rock's on the boat. Rachel tells us that the boys are "so funny" and that they "totally play off each other perfectly." We watch the boys in action, strapping the girls to their gear, asking each other whether this is their favorite part. "Judd didn't like them at all," Jo laughs. Why is Judd the only guy there, anyway? I love that Mo and Pedro don't even invite Judd to play their reindeer games anymore.
Oh, excuse me. Cory explains that they're actually going "Snuba diving," which is where they're snorkeling and not really scuba diving. They have rafts that they hold. Jo tells us that this was her favorite part of the trip. Because we care with all of our hearts. Pam says it was like being in their fish tank at home. Enya punishes us as we watch the underwater montage. Rachel's still blabbing on about the boys and how cute they are and that they're even cuter underwater.
Jo showers off as one of the boys asks Rachel what she does in her wetsuit. "Pee in it to keep yourself warm," she smiles. Judd wraps himself in a pink towel, pouts, and voice-overs that it got "nauseating." Rachel tells us that Judd was jealous. The boys flirt with Rachel and Jo and eventually they've got their arms around the girls and Jo's hugging one tight. There's some other girl on the boat, and she's trying her best with Judd. Judd spits that he's the "diplomatic one," and the girl nods and looks down, thinking, "You mean 'the boring one.'" More pictures are taken and the boat finally docks. Everyone hugs and flirts.
The girls go out later to meet the snuba boys again. Montage of drinking, picture-taking, and flirting. Rachel brags that she's getting a tattoo weekend.
Judd and Mohammed are on a double date.
The girls are drunk with the snubers.
The double date isn't going so well.
The snubers are carrying the girls back to the hotel. Everyone's drunk. We don't get to see anything interesting. Seriously. The closest is that one of the snubers puts a shower cap over his face. Then cut to a boy leaving. Jo and Rachel flop on the bed and Rachel moans that she's tired. What happened? What happened on Mo's and Judd's bad double date? Dammit, where is all of the action in this vacation? This is like having to watch the videotapes of their group events and then watching a slide show. Hatred.
Day Three. I think they're going hiking and camping. There's packing going on, and Rachel's bandaging her bunions. For real. It's gross. Mohammed's already complaining, saying he's a city boy. Judd: "If it sucks, it'll be one of the biggest disappointments in my life." Oh, Judd. Now you know how we feel.
Cory tells us that they've all been together for too long by now, and they're starting to bicker. Cut to Judd bickering about bowling balls and fraternity brothers. They don't want us to understand the fighting -- they just want us to see that it happened. Pedro calls Rachel a brat. Rachel says she's not. Pedro laughs and screams that she is. Rachel complains to us that everyone gangs up on her just because Pedro says something. Pedro complains about Rachel clomping up the stairs all of the time. Rachel tells us: "I wear clogs. Sorry." What a bitch. Pedro says he doesn't want to hear that she's sorry. Pedro teases Rachel for calling her Mommy for money. Rachel counters, "What? They don't give me it, anyway!" Pedro says that Rachel spends all of her money on clothes and then asks her parents for money. Cut to Rachel on the phone asking her parents how she's supposed to dress nicely if they don't give her money. Rachel tells us that it was unfair of her roommates to treat her like that.
They're going on a bike tour. Okay. Cruiser Bob is their tour guide. Everyone makes fun of Cruiser Bob. Just his name, mostly. Pedro says that Cruiser Bob was a lot like Puck. The van drives the kids and the bikes up this mountain. Mohammed complains that Cruiser Bob talks too much.
Biked and helmeted, the kids start their descent. Montage of bike-riding. Yes, it's just as invigorating as you'd imagine. I wake up in time to see the kids try to set up camp in the rain. Everyone is miserable as Cruiser Bob tries to hammer in the tent with a rock. Mohammed: "I don't like rain. I don't like to be wet." I wish they had all stayed home and donated their trips to people that are physically and mentally able to have fun. More pictures are taken. Pedro complains that Cruiser Bob is too old. Mohammed says he's going to sleep in the van.
The girls tease Judd for being such a downer. Judd says that things couldn't have been any worse because Mohammed slept in the van, he got stuck with Pam and Cory, and the "high maintenance twins" got their own tent. He must want to bang Jo with all of his heart and soul because I don't see what his problem is with them. Would anyone else want to sleep in that tent? Thought not. Rachel and Jo gossip about the others, but we can't hear what they're saying, exactly. Oh, Rachel's saying that Judd is always blowing his hair dry, even though he doesn't have much hair to blow. She giggles about Judd being jealous of the snubers as we go to commercial.
This is the worst vacation ever. Oh, hi, commercial for Center Stage. I remember when you were the most important movie in Wing's life. Yeah, you're right. It does feel like long time ago. Well, I don't know. I guess because Bring It On kicked you in the ass. Don't be too upset about it. I hear that Zoolander is causing the Toros to collect a little bit of dust. ["It's all true! Sob!" -- Wing Chun]
The beginning of the segment is missing, and we cut to Jo saying something positive, for a change. She says the sky is blue. See? Everybody doesn't hate everything. Jo can still admit that the sky is blue.
Judd complains out of his tent and wants to drive back to the hotel with Mohammed. He complains that everyone wants to jump off cliffs and do things. He says he just wants to sit at the hotel with Mohammed. Judd, Rachel, and Pedro watch the other kids cliff-dive.
They go to a different location with a higher cliff to dive off. Pam tells us that Rachel was the only girl who hadn't jumped before. Shots of Jo jumping. Rachel's scared. She tells us that she was scared. We see her be scared. She decides to go. We see her decide to go. Judd tells us she was scared. Rachel then slips and falls off the cliff. Hee. Heh. The best is her face when she comes back up from the water and realizes that she's not hurt in even the slightest but she was still scared. It's that look that babies give when they fall and they aren't sure if they're supposed to cry so they look up at you to see if you look like you think they're hurt and then they start crying. Pam tells us that Rachel thought she was going to die.
Judd and Pam hold the wet and trembly Rachel as she recounts her near-near- near-death experience. We watch Rachel fall off the cliff again in slow motion. It's incredibly ungraceful. Rachel pouts that she really wanted to cliff-dive. The camera is between her legs and I'm uncomfortable.
Everyone says goodbye to Cruiser Bob. Pam tells us that she tried to get away from the Cruiser Bob goodbye kiss, but we watch him haul ass over to her and kiss her face.
In the van ride home, Rachel's still going on about how she almost died falling into a pool of water from eight feet in the air. Jo tells Rachel how to avoid almost dying in the future, and then suddenly Judd's some diving expert, telling Rachel where she went wrong as well. I hate everyone on this show. I really do. Rachel needs more pampering, so they give it to her.
Judd says they should go somewhere expensive for their last night in Hawaii on MTV's dime. Montage of Getting Ready. The girls are taking their time. The boys are ready. Someone needs to fix Pedro's hair. Everyone's ready except Jo and Rachel. Everyone else is sitting on the floor outside the hotel room. Rachel's still not ready. Everyone is pissed by the time Rachel tries on her fifth outfit. She apologizes and everyone sighs. Judd's pissed off. They go to Benihana. Heh. Cory tells us that everyone was getting on everyone's nerves at this point. Didn't she just tell us that yesterday? How long do they get to stay in Hawaii, anyway? I'm so jealous.
Benihana is a great place to take vegans. Seriously. It's just animals and butter and Jo crying over tortured souls getting sauteed right in front of her on a giant skillet for a plate. Jo is so pissed that she can't eat anything that everyone gets pissed that Jo's ruining their fun by calling their food "corpses." "That was the vegan straw that broke the carnivore's back," Judd tells us. Cut to everyone silently watching the food get prepared. Judd says, "I wish we had a bigger table that was less intimate." Everyone stops playing with their food to stare at Judd. "Sarcasm," he states. Nobody is amused.
Everyone goes drinking afterwards, so they have fun. We don't see that. We just get a quick montage as Judd tells us that they did things together that were fun and then they did things that were annoying. Great. Can we just end the season now?
Cut to more Enya, making me want to rip my ears off. You know, she just makes albums that sound like jokes about Enya. You know her new album is called The Sound of Trees or some shit? I could say that as a joke about Enya, and it'd be cut for being too obvious, when in reality, it's the name of her album. Does she know we're all laughing at her? Is this the most that's been written about Enya in ten years? Thought so.
The kids get a helicopter ride over the ocean. Luckily, nothing can make these kids complain here. It's really cool to ride in a helicopter. Cory warbles that they were stuck together this entire trip, so they had to become better friends. The boys take one helicopter, the girls are in another. Judd says that things might be different now that they're closer. He says the "casual politeness" will probably be thrown out the window when they get back to San Francisco. Sure. Don't try and tease me with tension, plot, or interesting television now, Judd. I know there ain't any coming.