Normally I'll watch whatever I'm recapping once before I delve into the recap. Forty minutes into this suckfest, I had to turn off the television. I'm recapping live, because I cannot bear the thought of having to watch this thing in its entirety twice.
People. When you make a movie, you have to know if you want it to be a comedy, a drama, a thriller or a mockumentary. You can't throw all of it at me and ask me to play editor, director, and writer. That's bullshit. Such a waste of my time.
Go. Quickly. Let's just do this, already.
We start with some Blair Witch-type music as the screen informs us that this is the only footage of The Real World Vancouver, which never actually aired due to "circumstances." Are you scared?
Typical beginning opener with the seven strangers stopping all the polite stuff and starting to get real.
Music plays. "Day 1." Establishing shots. We meet Keith, twenty, a musician from Baltimore. Liz, twenty, is from Los Angeles; she hates the place already and she hasn't even walked in. I really shouldn't have to recap this stuff because the acting is so shitty. The acting is wooden and boring. Keith is supposed to be the boring one, and Liz is the slutty drama queen. She's dressed like Britney. The second she enters the kickin' pad, however, she's in love. She drapes herself over the couch and says that this is more like it. The house is a warehouse with a few props scattered around it. In confessional, Keith tells us that Liz is hot and Liz tells us that Keith is "nothing."
Melinda, eighteen, just graduated from Deer Park, and hasn't been out of "the state." She's complaining about airplane food with Cash, a twenty-one-year-old novelist from Boston. He says he's searching for an inspiration. He wants to be on this show to "unlock that door," to live "beyond that." See? Is it a comedy? Because they haven't done anything funny yet. Is this all improvised? Because it's lame.
Boomer, nineteen, is a skateboarder from Santa Cruz. He's our Zen guy who wears stupid hats. Liz flounces around the apartment, acting like she still hasn't seen all the rooms. She doesn't finish a sentence with anyone. The only funny thing so far has been Liz's thong flopping around as she runs.
Omara, twenty-two, is Pre-Law from Philadelphia. She tells us that she's political and that her purpose in life is to cause change. As she walks through an airport terminal, some other guy shouts out, "Roomie!" I guess he just looked for the camera. He's Adam and he loves to have fun. He wants to show the world "what Adam has to offer." Right now he's offering too many hands on Omara for a total stranger. I don't know what to be snarky about because this is all a script, I guess, so there's nothing to snark on. It's just a bad script. Here, I'll offer a paragraph:
If they're just giving us half an hour of get-to-know-you footage, wouldn't it be more interesting to do a satire on these kinds of shows instead of just making an exact replica of these shows in the most boring fashion possible? Why not exaggerate these people to show how ridiculous it all is instead of trying to keep it "real?"
Omara doesn't like Adam because she thinks he's a stupid frat boy. He says stupid things -- for instance, asking Omara if she's a lesbian. The music appropriately sings, "Someone I don't want to be." But see, if I were doing this, it'd be this long lyric like, "I'm a new roommate in Vancouver, and I don't think I like the frat boy to me." I mean, fuck, do something with this stupid parody. Is it a parody? What am I watching?
Establishing shots of the house. Melinda and Cash run in announcing that they're best friends. Melinda's on Cash's back. They both tell us in confessionals that they love each other so much. Everybody shakes hands. Adam just hugs everybody like old friends. Liz is still bouncing on beds. Adam and Omara are arguing over homeless people. Everybody's so happy to see each other.
Melinda's in the confessional wearing very slutty clothes, telling us that she's never met so many different kinds of people in her life. Are the slutty clothes the satire?
Omara says that Melinda's an innocent sweetheart.
Boomer says that there are "very intense energies coming from these people." I'm so bored. How does this movie have even shittier production values than the actual show?
Adam thinks that Boomer's cool and chill.
Boomer informs us that there's something going on inside of Cash that even Cash might not be aware of. See? More of that, but longer, and funny. Come on. Do it!
Liz runs and we watch her thong. She announces herself at the top of the stairs. She tells us that everybody is lame, so she knows she's going to be able to shine.
day. Establishing shots. I want ten minutes of establishing shots. Do it! What a waste. Drunken strip poker. Keith has to take off all his clothes. Liz sits cross-legged on the table in her panties. Boomer writes poetry in the corner. Adam and Liz tease him until Melinda makes them stop. Suddenly Adam brags that he lost his virginity in his parents' jacuzzi when they were out of town. Liz brags that she was on a ferris wheel while it was still moving. Cue Melinda: she's a virgin. Cash tells her, all deep, that it's totally cool to save yourself. Did someone in high school write this script? What's going on? When will it all make sense?
Omara comes home and makes a snitty comment at Liz. They try to get Omara to play strip poker with the rest of them, but she tells us she has "plan and purpose" and has worked "way too hard" to get to this point and blow it all by "partying." Where's she going? What plan? Isn't it Day 2? Whatever. Adam tells us that Omara's too uptight, and that he gets along with everyone in the house except her.
Establishing shots. Day 7. Boomer's been drawing the sunrise. Melinda loves his drawing, which is actually a watercolor painting. She wishes she had talent. He says that she might actually have talent. Boomer tells us that Melinda has a good soul. This is so retarded! The confessional is filled with candles. But it'd be funny if there were more and more candles, big giant scary Goth candles, and they had to do the confessionals to a huge flame, or their clothes were so blurred out that we couldn't see their faces, or they'd been crying since Day 1 because everybody hates them. Man. Exaggerate the relationships! Do something! This movie is so pointless. Pointless!
Day 10. Thanks for Day 7. Melinda and Cash flirt over some magazine, rolling all over each other as Liz watches snottily and files her nails. Boomer watches with a pout. Liz says that Melinda's wasting her time with a loser like Cash, and that if Boomer likes Melinda, he should just say something. Thanks, Day 10. You're just as stupid as Day 7. Horrible ad-libbing and improvising. Liz looks like Debbie Gibson in a Whoreblender.
Day 16. Cell phone rings. Adam covers the mouthpiece and announces that they're getting sent on a challenge with "the ex-Real Worlders." Adam is wearing a very ugly shirt. They could win $50,000. Liz jumps up and down in a wife-beater and no bra, and then slows down to stripper-dance for the camera. I think that the actress playing Liz understands that we want this to be a comedy. She's the only one playing for laughs.
Day 20. Why four days to pack? Adam is laughing very loudly while extras sit around the table pretending to eat pizza. Omara yells at Adam that it's four something in the morning and they've got their challenge in a few hours and they need their sleep. Omara kicks people out of the house, which is the only way we know that the extras are strangers. "I don't have any problems, except this guy," Omara says to us. Huh? Then there's a huge shouting match between Omara and Adam where they scream at each other that strangers shouldn't be here this late and blah blah blah cliché blah blah blah. Omara and Adam call each other assholes in the confessional and everybody wakes up in the house to watch, including Liz in just her panties. Boomer tells us that shouting never helps anyone. So much bad improv. It's like a high-school drama exercise in here. Everybody's playing "Family Issues" and I can't take it.
Establishing shots of pirate ships. I don't know. Day 21, Melinda tells everybody that "the guy" said they had to be outside at 7:30 instead of 8. A van drives up and someone tells everyone to pile in quickly. The driver tells the cameraman that "production" says the camera needs to stay here until later, and that they've already got a camera in the van and a camera at the location. Liz pouts and prances for any of the cameras. The van drives off and the cameraman left behind focuses on the van as it leaves.
The screen tells us that was the last "official" footage shot at the Vancouver house. So is the movie over then? No? Dammit! We're only ten minutes in? Why does it feel like fifty? Hate!
At the "Real World Challenge Site," we meet a group of people who used to be on the actual Real World, which is supposed to give some kind of credibility to this movie, I guess, but since I only watched just a couple of seasons of this show, most of these people are just bad actor strangers to me as well. I recognize Aneesa and Mike and Rachel.
Melissa and Amaya are snitty with Aneesa. David shakes hands with Rachel. Mike and Aneesa shake hands. David from L.A. tells Anessa that he loves her boobies.
Okay, so suddenly we're not on videotape anymore and this thing is getting shot like it's supposed to be an actual movie now. The kids are upset that they've been in the van so long. The driver says he can't let them out. He reminds them that they have to earn their $50,000. Boomer threatens to "barf." Liz says they'll have to pay for her dry cleaning if that happens. Was that a joke?
The van finally arrives late at night. The driver tells everyone to wake up and get out of the van. There's a three-minute piece where everyone just gets their bags out of the van and walks inside the house. It's too dark to really see anything, so it's somehow even more boring than it would have been if it were lit.
The warehouse interior looks like a futuristic Real World house. The kids celebrate like they just arrived for the season again. The driver looks around proudly. Okay, so he's really a Crazy Guy who has kidnapped our "heroes" to play out his elaborate "twisted" "game." I cannot believe this movie was actually made.
Crazy Guy over-crazies, running around telling everyone he can guess which cliché they are. He calls out the skater, the small-town virgin, the frat guy, etc. He says that they need to go over chores and get unpacked. Omara asks what's going on. Liz says, "And hello.....................chores?" I can't take this movie anymore. Crazy Guy explains what I just said above. There's no challenge; they've been kidnapped. I like how in every shot someone's wearing a shirt with numbers on it. Crazy Guy says he's the new roommate, and this is the house where they'll live now. "So let's play!" Omara wants to go home. Crazy Guy says they can't do that. He tells everyone to relax and have a great time: "Not to mention get some killer footage." Melinda says she's claustrophobic. Crazy Guy says there's one too many people. He turns to Kevin and tells him he's boring and lacks personality. Crazy Guy says the place is wired with explosives and he'll blow everyone up if they try anything. There's a beeping like my popcorn's ready in the microwave, everyone yells, and Kevin's gone.
Crazy Guy points out that there are 132 cameras around the house, including one large Lazy Susan in the middle. We have to watch all of the different camera clips as the scene is cut in a million different angles. Crazy Guy says there are explosives all around the house that detonate with his beeping watch. Someone calls bullshit, so Crazy Guy blows up the van that drove them in. They watch the van blow up on four different screens. When does this madness end? All of the budget went on that one shot. Crazy Guy says there's no way out: "Now let's get real!" Fade to stupid black.
Back at the real Real World challenge site, David's humping a beaver, Aneesa's yelling about something, and everyone's having a grand time. Someone badly acts a line about the Vancouver kids being late. So much bad acting. Rachel paints her nails. Everyone forgets their bad lines and stumbles through them until they sing some song I don't know.
Back at the Stupid House, we watch Liz's thong as she sits in front of a camera. Everyone else loudly wonders how they're going to get out of the Crazy Guy's house. Crazy Guy sits in command central, plotting.
Crazy Guy tells the "gang" that he's sorry about the explosions. He says it wasn't "fair or cool." To apologize, he gives each person a lapel camera. It's also somehow wired to explosives, so they can't take these cameras off. These cameras, by the way, are clearly make-up mirrors. He asks Cash and Melinda if they're together. He puts cameras on each person, asking some question, trying to get some shit started, and I wish that something would get started as I'm bored out of my damn mind. I want a new word for "bored." I hate Crazy Guy. He tries to get Adam and Omara to get things out in the open. Crazy Guy says the point is "self-discovery." And what follows is obviously the writers' favorite part of the script:
Remember when Elka realized she couldn't replace her mother? Or when Rebecca fought the oppression and embraced the music in her heart? The innocence of [breaking out into song] all these things! No? All right, you guys are a tough crowd.
Crazy Guy gives a tour of the house. There's a hot tub room. A big kitchen with three waffle-makers. Two juicers: orange and purple. Two bedrooms. Liz segregates the rooms by sex. The state-of-the-art confessional. Coverage throughout the room. Crazy Guy spins in the chair, showing us all the angles the cameras can catch. He says that he should open up first, since he's the new roommate: "It's my job to get you to know me." This scene must have been shot first, since it's the only one so far that attempts an interesting angle and maybe was setting the tone that this wasn't going to be a comedy. I think it was shot for some kind of teaser or trailer. Then obviously, all hope was abandoned.
So, yeah, I'm not going to bore you with this part. Crazy Guy has tried out for every season of this show, reinventing himself over and over, but has never been picked. Now he's too old to be eligible. We watch a montage of all his videotapes. In the last one, he clearly threatens to do something bad if he's not picked for the show. Crazy Guy mouths along with himself in the tape, eyes full of tears to show us just how Crazy this Crazy Guy is. I find myself wishing the phone would ring, the mail would arrive, a car would drive too quickly outside my door so I can go outside and shake my fist. I wish for a cat to puke a hairball or the coffee maker to make a strange noise so I can go check on it. Anything to get me out of this hell. Sadly, I still have over an hour. I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me. I don't know if I'm going to make it out of here alive. I've never recapped anything so boring for so long before. I didn't pack enough water or snacks. I'm starting to panic.
Why is there still a cameraman when the house is full of cameras? Crazy Guy's name is Roland. I guess I have to start calling him that, but I don't know if I will. Roland's bedroom is posterboard with a picture of a bed in front of it. Roland's dad died and left him bunches of money and that's why he's rich and crazy. I wish Paul Reubens were playing the part of Roland.
Roland announces that they're playing Truth or Dare. By the way, here's where I stopped watching the first time. Now I'm flying without a wire here. Adam says that the hardest decision he's ever had to make was "lease or buy."
Melinda has to say that the guys back home don't really appreciate her. It takes thirty seconds for her to answer the question.
Roland asks Boomer whom he'd like to have a relationship with in the house. He asks for a dare. Roland tells him to bark like a dog. Boomer doesn't want to. Roland bitches in the confessional that nobody's doing anything and they're so boring in this house of cameras. Thank you, Roland. Now can we stop this? After much arguing, Boomer finally barks like a dog, threateningly.
Liz picks Dare. Roland tells her to get in the hot tub naked. He says that every Real World has a naked hot tub scene. Liz says she'd rather bark like a dog. "Fuck the rules of the game," she says. She leaves, forcing Roland to pop into his best Jack Nicholson and scream Liz's name. It's like outtakes from The Professional here, and I hate every second of it.
Roland asks Cash what his dirtiest thoughts are. Cash doesn't want to play. Roland tells Cash to stop being polite and to start being real. Omara asks Roland: "Truth or Dare?" Roland picks Truth. "Truth. What did you do with Keith?" After a million seconds of silence, Roland says, "I took a hammer to his head and I killed him." Scary music plays as the kids try to pretend to be scared.
The camera spins around the kids as they are upset. They still find time to bicker, though, as they pout that they're all going to die. The camera won't stop spinning as Omara and Adam fight with each other about how frustrating they are. They shout "fine" and "whatever" at each other over and over until Melinda has a panic attack. I can't take this bullshit movie, y'all. I want medical benefits. I need therapy. It's making me re-evaluate all of the decisions I've made in my life. How did everything add up to this moment right here, where I'm forced to watch Roland watch Melinda crying?
Roland tells everyone to wake up. He says it's time for breakfast.
Kitchen. Nobody's talking but Roland. Liz can't believe they have to make their own breakfast. Roland tells the confessional that everything's going "super-good" now that they're starting to communicate with each other. Roland tries to rap with Boomer about his skateboard.
The cameraman asks Roland for a word. He says his battery is about to go. Roland is angry that the cameraman doesn't have an extra battery. He tells him to go get a new one. "Chop chop!" he screams. Melinda screams back. It seems she's somehow burned herself on the state-of-the-art burners. Roland pulls her away to get first aid.
"You know what?" Omara says. "I think she did that on purpose." "Way to go, virgin," Liz says, slightly impressed. Omara asks what they're going to do. Boomer says that if they attack, Roland will blow them up. They make a plan to do something. They tell Cash that the cameraman has a crush on him, so they're going to use him to do something gay so they can search the house without a cameraman. People say more sentences that start with the word "hello!" So, Cash has to get naked in the hot tub so that the cameraman will be totally gay while the rest of them can somehow search the house. I guess the three hundred other cameras won't notice a thing. We watch several clips of the guys huddled around the stove without any lines until Cash says he'll do it.
Roland creepily applies a bandage to Melinda's arm. She asks if he really killed Keith. Roland tells her to shut up and hold still. Fade to black. Kill me.
Mike's got that stupid wrestling belt over his arm and he's doing that weird voice. He's as bad as Crazy Guy, really. Aneesa's playing along, probably under some kind of contract that makes her have to interact with these people. They're finally starting to wonder where the Vancouver kids are. Blah blah, bad acting. Blah blah, bad improv. All talking over each other. I can't hear anything. Bad acting. Rachel bitches about something. Everyone yells. Yelling. Boring. Kill me. They all take pictures of themselves instead.
Roland tells the confessional that his hostages are starting to loosen up and like him. Liz walks in and says, "Here's the deal." She says she's ready to take the dare now. "Coming?" she asks. Wait, how many people are going to be naked in the hot tub?
Liz takes her shirt off as she walks toward the hot tub. Roland is quick on her heels. Adam sips a soda. So does Melinda. The cameraman focuses on Adam. Melinda asks where Cash is. Adam actually says the following line: "He's, uh, in the bedroom making muscle. Building up a bit of a sweat?" He says it like a question. Does that mean he's masturbating? Gay cameraman is no match for Adam's brilliant plan, and sidesteps his way over to the bedroom to see for himself.
Liz takes off her pants. Wait, no. It was Cash. He flops into the hot tub. No, it was Crazy Guy. Liz's ass is blurred out as she walks past Crazy Guy toward the other side of the hot tub. He tells her that there are thirty-five jets in the hot tub. She pretends to be impressed. Do you think they thought maybe this movie would be released in theaters or DVD?
Cash does push-ups in the bedroom. The cameraman finds him. Cash asks if he works out. The cameraman doesn't say anything, so Cash pants a little and then asks if he went to film school. The cameraman says he went to a few workshops, but says he can't stop filming. Cash tells the cameraman to put the camera on the bed and aim it at them. "Please?" he asks. The cameraman can't help putting the camera on the bed, aimed at Cash. "I can see the lens. The lens can see me." This movie will never, ever, ever end.
The rest of the kids are wandering around the house boringly.
If this were a real movie, we'd get to see Liz's tits right now. But since it's not, they're blurred out. Roland tells Liz that he thinks things are starting to go a whole lot better now. Liz starts a splashing contest, but Roland gets pissed off: his watch is only water-resistant. See? I think they thought this was going to be a comedy. There is no genre for this film.
Cash pretends to be gay. The cameraman is totally falling for it. Cash looks like he's on Star Trek with that lapel camera.
Melinda wants to break the glass on the windows to get out. Boomer finds a trap door in the dark that we can't see.
Liz wants to get Roland drunk. She swims closer and tells him to relax.
Adam wanders around. So does Omaya.
Melinda leaves Boomer for a moment. The suspense!
Cash and the gay man giggle.
Melinda wanders through the house looking for a screwdriver, I think.
Liz is one foot from Roland's face. I think she's giving him a handjob. "So, who's your best friend in the house?" he asks.
Adam and Omaya bicker in the confessional. Wait, is her name Omara? Oh, who cares. They find a noise. They go to check it out.
Melinda and Boomer take the door off some fan vent or something. The film quality changes again.
Cash still pretends to be gay.
Omarya and Adam have found the control room. They watch Liz and Cash pretend to want to have sex with people they don't want to have sex with. No need to hurry, y'all.
Boomer and Melinda/Belinda are doing things I can't see because they've shot it in such a way it looks like they are now a fan.
Cash and Gay are almost kissing.
The fan wiggles.
Adam can't get the control room phone to work. He gets on the computer. He touches the keyboard and Omaraya asks, "What are you, some kind of hacker?" Like, someone picks up a Hot Wheels and she's all, "What are you, some kind of race car driver?"
The fan turns into backstage on a soundstage. "This is like a movie set," BelindaMelinda says breathlessly. "This is a movie set," Boomer says back with much alarm. Belindaranda starts running. She finds a door. They run.
The handjob continues.
Fake gays still not kissing, just staring at each other.
Boomer and Briarnda find a garage or something.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob.
Staring gays.
Handjob turns to kissing.
Staring gays turn to kissing.
Moral: anyone can hook up if you stare long enough.
Omayray and Adam are grossed out, watching the monitors instead of trying to help.
Melindalinda finds a window. Who knows where they are. Is this thing almost over?
Hot gay love.
Boomer decides to "check it out."
Hot tub love is interrupted by the microwave dinging of Roland's watch. He stands up and his body is blurred. "What's the matter?" Liz asks. "Thought you liked me, Liz," the actor playing Roland says so badly that I laugh loud and long.
What the fuck is going on with Boomer and Melinda? I don't understand a single shot of their scenes. Now they're trying to stare through some venetian blinds.
Naked Roland finds gay cameraman and Cash rolling on the bed. He yells at them. Naked Roland screams that they were tricked. He runs off. Gay cameraman realizes that Cash might not really love him like he said.
"Email 911," Omaraya suggests. That's my new favorite sentence. Adam says something about emailing a producer, hoping he recognizes Roland from his audition tapes. What? Huh? You're going to wait around for a reply from a producer? Why don't you just send an email to Tom@tomcruise.com and see what happens? Hold your breath, asshole.
Boomer's trying to unscrew venetian blinds. I have no idea why the fuck they're doing that.
Naked Roland bursts into the control room calm as day and naked as a jaybird. He then knocks out the power around the house. Except then his microphone gets piped into every speaker in the house as he announces that the game is over. He trusted them and they fucked up. We watch everyone that we don't care about get scared in their individual rooms that don't often make any sense. Fade to black.
Oh, my God. There's a commercial break where some chick calls Roland a "freak," and explains that we're watching this thing commercial-free. Kill me. She asks if the audience likes it. They all applaud because they have to. The girl pretty much says it blows but she has to now watch the second half. Half? I'm only half finished? NO!!! Then there's a quiz. Oh, fuck me. I'm fast-forwarding.
Back to hell. Stupid house of bad acting. You can't tell which one, can you? Rachel's bitching that the production office was closed for twenty-four hours. They think about bailing. The guy that got kicked out says he's got a comedy show to go to. Some girl with a lollipop tells everyone to shut up. Melissa doesn't want David to touch her.
Roland says he's making the most amazing Real World ever and they're fighting him. Long, boring, unscary monologue.
Several split-screen circular shots.
Roland is about to blow someone up. Liz cries and asks him to stop. She says she deserves to die instead of everyone else. She says she's the worst one and should be killed. Roland says he heard that same speech on a Boston Public rerun. Uh-uh. You don't get to call your own writing lame when all of it is lame. Roland tells Cash to share something with the group. "Never one to kiss and tell," Roland says. Liz wants to know why Cash kissed the gay man. Cash can't say anything to defend himself, so everyone realizes that Cash is actually gay. The camera won't stop spinning. I can't even watch the screen anymore as Cash tells us how he kissed a man and liked it and that's okay because he's Cash and he wanted to kiss a man. Liz says that they all knew Cash was gay. Spinny cam's making me nauseous. When will this end? Melinda and Liz and Boomer and Cash choose now to be the moment to argue over their non-love triangle-pentagon thing. The screen cuts to four screens as Boomer yells. Liz tells Melinda that Boomer likes her. Three screens, five, back to one. Boring. Boring! Omarayara tells Liz that nobody gives a damn about her. Adam and Omaraya have their thing with this brilliant bit Adam gets to deliver: "At least Liz is Liz. And Boomer's Boomer. And even as a gay guy, Cash is still Cash." Why is everyone holding hands? This sucks. This is the suckiest thing I've ever seen in my life. This is the worst thing ever. Ever. I've seen some shitty television, but this is so fucking horrid. I don't recognize Boomer without a hat.
Boomer head-butts Roland. Oh, they're chained together. Didn't notice that at first. More spinny-cam action as Roland decides if he's going to kill Boomer now.
Roland blabs in the confessional all meta and I'm not even bothering to tell you what shit he's spewing.
Now they're not chained and time has passed, I guess. Adam and Omaraya just immediately make up for no reason at all by having Omara turn her back on Adam and face a wall while she cries. Lines like "You're stronger than you think" and "I'm scared" and fake crying and "me too" and then kissing. This is the worst thing on television. These are all actors that couldn't get on Undressed.
Omaraya and Adam shower together, kissing instead of having sex. Roland watches from his control room. No camera inside the shower, Roland? What a shame. We watch Roland watching for the entire length of Sliver. "So cool," he tells us. Fade to black.
The Real World people fake fighting so badly I can't even bother. Fake food fight ensues from a giant table of food.
Roland tells Adam and Omaya that he's glad he's got a "Pam and Judd" on his hands. He calls a meeting in the girls' bedroom. He lisps a "'sthup, bud?" to Cash. They ask where Boomer is. Roland says the rules state that any roommate who physically attacks another has to be removed, so Boomer got removed. He announces that it's confessional time for each and every one of them. Melinda has to go first. He tells her to stop biting her nails.
In the confessional, Melinda has one fake tear squirted down her cheek. Then it's gone. Roland tells her to start talking and to not waste any time. "Um," she says. "When I, um, first signed up for The Real World, I thought that I'd be opening myself up to new experiences. I never thought one of those experiences would be facing death." Clearly this was the other shot for the trailer. "Boomer's gone. He had feelings for me. And of course it was obvious to everyone else except me." She calls herself an ignorant hick. She says she's chasing after the gay guy and she was just a joke.
Cash says Melinda couldn't have known any gay guys in her life, anyway.
Melinda asks why she can't see what's right in front of her face. Blah blah blah blah, I'm so fucking bored.
Cash wonders if he's "full-on" gay or not.
Melinda wonders what she's supposed to do with that gay guy she likes.
Cash says that if he was gay, it would explain his life. He says he can't believe he's fallen for a kidnapper.
Omara says she has no control and she's not used to that. She tried to hold it together for the rest of the group.
Adam says that Omara won't even look him in the eye anymore. He wonders if she thinks he took advantage of her, even though he wasn't trying to.
This whole thing is bullshit.
Six thousand different shots are clipped together as Omara wonders if maybe she only slept with Adam because she was kidnapped and scared.
Adam says it shouldn't been him and not Boomer.
Omara says everything is falling apart. Fell. Fell apart when someone said, "Here's some money to make that movie."
Liz is really proud of herself for telling everyone who was in love with whom: "The only person I've ever relied on is myself." So much subtext and subtlety in this thing.
"Chili is the ultimate comfort food," Roland informs us as he takes a bite from his bowl. "Reminds me of my childhood," he giggles. Omara says she'd like to say something. She babbles some shit that means nothing. She asks that they put aside their differences and work together as a team. What the fuck is going on?
Five in the morning. The house is asleep. Omara wakes up and calls Roland to see if he's asleep. He is. She wakes up Liz and Melinda. They scurry to the boys' room and wake everyone. They walk through the hallway. Cash finds gay cameraman and checks to see if he's sleeping. He has to walk right up to his lips to be sure though.
They all break through the fan vent thing again. Wait a second...gay cameraman's moving a little!
Melinda runs everyone back through the vent, to some door. They're just shouting and yelling at each other. I guess Roland's a heavy sleeper. They use the screwdriver again to open the venetian blinds that Boomer never finished unscrewing.
Roland wakes up in time to see them crawl out the warehouse. "Perfect," he says. "Nice job, boys and girls." He smiles, pleased. The kids crawl out of the warehouse.
Running through the forest, we're watching on their lapel cameras. It's suddenly full daylight outside. Fade to black as Roland walks out of the control room.
Running through the forest. Blair Witch time. Melinda sees another camera following them in the trees. Liz finds another one. They run again. Running, running, running. Falling! Falling! Falling! They're okay. They're okay. The girls are scared. The boys aren't scared! Time to split up! Running, running, running. Panting, panting, panting. Running! Coughing for no reason! Run! Run! Pant! Run!
Liz finds Boomer's hat. BOOMER'S HAT! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Melinda looks up and sees their dead friends dangling from tall trees. What do they do? RUN! Run, run, run and run! Never look back! Run!
"Hi, Liz," says Roland. He says something about it being cold and that she might like a hot tub. Liz interrupts and says they made her escape. She didn't want to. Did everyone else run away but Liz? Roland beckons Liz to move closer, so she does, asking him not to kill her.
The girls just now realize that Liz is no longer behind them. "Roland musta got her," Omaraya figures out immediately. Run! Run and running with the run!
Screaming. The boys somehow know that it's Liz.
Omaray says she can see a house up ahead. Run and run! Run past the total rip-off! Run right into the corner! Just tell us where you are, Josh!
The girls meet up with the guys and quickly announce that Liz must be dead. Gay cameraman tells them that Roland's got the entire place wired and there's nowhere to go. Cash plays the gay card and asks gay cameraman to help them. Dumb gay cameraman announces that nobody was supposed to get hurt. "Yeah," Omara says. "Well, tell that to Keith and Boomer. They're hanging in a tree." Hee. Cash says they're scared and they're running for their lives. "This is freaking torture," he says. "Please, Jake. You're a good guy." Gay cameraman: "That's where you're wrong." Cash tells the others to run. He tackles gay cameraman in an embrace that sends the both of them falling. Melinda screams and the others run. Run! Run and run! Running with the run! I can see Omara laughing. Who's got the camera now?
Whose footage is this? They find a yellow Humvee just a few feet away. Hello, Roland. "And then there were three," he says. Fade to black. When will this end?
Roland points out all of the cameras on the cabin location. He says that this is the final shot. The climax. "Adam. Truth or Dare." Adam calls Truth. "Good choice. Follow me." Roland, ignoring the rules of Truth or Dare, tells Adam that he can leave immediately in the Hummer if he leaves Omara and Melinda behind. "What's it gonna be?" Omara tells Adam to leave. Adam, of course, doesn't. He hands Roland back the keys. "I'm leaving with them or not at all." Adamm walks over to Omara so they can kiss. Roland shouts, "Everybody! Out on the porch!"
Jesus fucking Christ. Melinda's instantly all happy and panting as Liz, gay cameraman, Boomer, Kevin, and whoever else was in this film that I might have forgotten come walking out of the cabin. Roland says that the bodies in the trees were dummies. He says the ultimate challenge has been completed. They won, together. He says he's proud of them and they should be proud of themselves. Oh, my God. Roland says that he and gay cameraman actually work for The Real World and that this was just the ultimate mental challenge. Roland says that nobody was ever in any real danger. He asks if it was worth it, pulling out the suitcase of cash from the back seat of the Hummer. "You tell me," he says. Roland tells Melinda she's so much stronger than she ever thought possible. He tells Boomer that he really came out of his skin. "Cash? You came. You came out. And you came hard, brother." Ew. He tells Omara that she accomplished things she never would have if she wasn't pushed. "And Liz. Can we say 'So sexy'? So sexy." That's not growth, is it? Roland says that Adam showed up as a jovial, self-absorbed jerk who only cared about his frat brothers. Really? I never saw that. As Roland starts to talk to Keith, he gets a phone call. Roland says he just told them and he's on his way right now. He tells them he's got to pick up the other Real World people that had a challenge, but weren't as successful. He tells them to sit back and enjoy themselves, and that he'll be back in fifteen minutes. He drives away.
Blow up the cabin. Blow up the cabin. Do it right now. Blow up the cabin. Do it. Blow it up. Do it.
Liz asks to check if the money's real. They all hug and open the suitcase. Apparently it smells real. Hugging and celebrating. Blow up the cabin.
Kevin complains that he missed out on everything. Liz walks back and forth until Kevin mentions he knows a producer. Liz now wants to make out with Keith.
Cash makes up with gay cameraman in gay spinny cam.
Melinda finds Boomer picking out pretty grass blades. "These past few days have been really crazy." "Yeah, we did some crazy stuff. I said some really dumb things." "Mmm. Not so dumb. You know, you're pretty cute when you're angry." When will this hell end? When? WHEN!?!
Omara and Adam stare at each other for a very long time. More making up and kissing.
Liz says it's been way more than half an hour and Roland's not back. More waiting around. Waiting. Waiting. Scary music. An hour has passed, Omara tells us. Waiting. Waiting. Passage of time. Waiting. Sad music. Hour and a half. Waiting. Roland's cell has been disconnected.
Holy fuck, this is an actual line: "G-squared. Growth is good." Roland's giving a granddaddy of a monologue, telling us he's proud of what he did and that he's left all the tapes in the house. He wanders around the house, touching everything lovingly.
Then: "The preceding footage was recovered during an investigation of this incident. No clues as to the kidnapper's whereabouts have been uncovered. He remains at large." Duh-duh-DUMB!
Well, I want someone to find him, dead or alive. Someone has to pay for this.
The real Real World kids have one last badly written segment to the effect that this isn't their fault and they want their money. Aneesa flips a table.
Hate the following people: Director Jeffrey Reiner. Writers Ted Iredell and James LeRosa. Bunim and Murray. "Roland" Bryan Kirkwood.