Hanging in Orlando, Zach and John tease Svet for embellishing to Martin about the danger she was in during Hurricane Wilma. The kids return to Key West to discover that their house is mostly fine. Tyler and crew continue talking shit about Svet. They arrive at the tanning salon to discover that it flooded during the hurricane. So they go out drinking in costumes that night. Meanwhile, Keith, indeed, does come to visit. Paula thinks that Keith had to beat her ass to realize he'll never beat her ass again. (Yeah. Really.) Keith confronts Tyler and during their talk, he sort of blames his ass-whoopings on Paula's behavior. Sometimes Keith just has to choke a bitch. Svet reads the burn book about her. Tyler then overhears Svet getting upset about the book to her mom on the phone and he freaks out and yells at Svet's mom and then writes a vicious little note to Svet. Zach confronts Tyler, and Tyler defends himself in a pretty disgusting display of hubris. Bossman Ricky Croft informs the kids that Mystic Tan in Key West has been a failure and that they're shutting down. The kids act surprised.
Previously: Tyler made a burn book to vent about Svet. He considered himself an expert in burn books. Tyler acknowledged that if Svet found out about the book, she would be mad. Wilma! The hurricane battered the hotel, forcing the kids to evacuate in the middle of the night. Svet was scared of the standing water. Abusive Keith arrived; Tyler thought their relationship was unhealthy and didn't like his visiting. Zach quoted Metallica, saying they're now "vagabonds." Call them what you will.
Credits. Zach tries fishing for his gefilte. Jose enjoys carrying a large pole. Janelle fugs. Melanoma.
Streetlights. Storm. Trees. Cars. Fucked-up hotel. John overstates that the hurricane "wiped out" Fort Lauderdale, so the kids were forced to evacuate even further north to Orlando. Orlando! Ooh, maybe they can form a boy band and be discovered. Or do a crap Saturday-morning syndicated high-school sitcom. Or make some porn. In a hotel room, Zach camera-fros that they don't know the extent of the damage back in Key West, but that they've heard rumors of widespread flooding. The kids wake up. Zach tells John about Svet's phone call to Martin earlier that morning. Svet called Martin and talked about almost "dying" evacuating the hotel, and that she couldn't believe Martin wasn't more scared for her; Svet yells from the other room, "Stop making fun of me!" Zach continues the story, good-naturedly. Svet whines that she was scared and she did think she was going to die. John laughs. John goes on to camera-frat that Svet does say crazy stuff, including asking if the Everglades is a mall, and claiming that her cat can say, "Hello, Svetlana."
Packing to go. Packing to go. Zach reads a paper. John informs us that power is back on in the Keys, so they're going home.
Driving. Driving. Bridge. FORD! Zach tells us thatit's scary not knowing what they're going to find at home. Driving. Tyler and Janelle laugh and marvel about how fucked up people's front yards are. John tells us that there was a ten-foot wave surge, and some roofs on their street were taken off. They're nervous as they drive up to discover their front fence lying on the ground.
Inside, they find wet spots -- much like Zach's bed after Crystal has visited! But the water didn't come into the first floor, so they're lucky to find no water damage. But outside, they find their pool is black with sludge. John pretends to throw Jose into the muck. Do it!
Paula makes a very weirdly depressive SIDEKICK! phone call to Keith, who has indeed come to visit; they decide where to meet. John camera-talks -- the edges of his head waving due to some bad blue-screen work, or the acid I took earlier -- that this is the stage in Paula and Keith's relationship, and that they need to spend some alone time and do some work. Sure, if you can call demolition "work," because really, that's all they need to be doing. Paula smiles as she and Keith decide just to be together that night and not invite others.
John tests the car and then tells us that their MECURY MILAN! is dead -- a product placement I'm not sure the folks at Mercury are too excited about. "Need a car that dies the minute the engine gets wet? Try a Milan." John says that their lives have just gotten more difficult than they already were. Wah! Yeah, sleeping in the back of a tanning salon all day and drinking all night is fucking awful. Someone start them a telethon.
While Svet cleans the house, the kids drive, talking shit about her. Janelle says that Martin didn't take Svet seriously when she talked about almost dying because he knows she's a liar. Tyler queens that he believes 20% of what comes out of Svet's mouth. Janelle has a good line: "That's a lot." Tyler goes off, joking that they should slap Svet, and they keep talking and the subtle song goes, "Someone talks behind your back, that's so high school," and they keep driving and Svet keeps cleaning and the song keeps sucking. Tyler says he wouldn't mind if Svet went home, and laughs his evil little troll laugh. Troll. Commercials.
Key West. Key West. Flooding. Biking in the water. Downed tree. Salon. The kids arrive. Some friend of theirs named Doug unlocks a bike lock he put on the salon while they were gone. Tyler blows a water bottle. Sandbags. Sandbags. They go inside and find the place is FUBAR. It smells awful and there is a water-line on the wall about a foot up. Zach calls Bossman Ricky Croft and tells him there is "no good news." John adds that the carpets are ruined and that there was a foot of water everywhere. Janelle goes all Twister on us, saying that there is "debris." Bossman Ricky Croft is speechless, but finally hands them the task of cleaning up. They look thrilled. They also have to unplug anything electrical. They furthermore learn that there is no such thing as flood insurance in Key West. Yeah, they're fucked. Jose makes a funny face. Or rather, his mom and dad made a funny face. He just wears it.
Day. "Paradise" sign. A brave scooter-rider in the flooded streets. Bus stop. Night. House. John camera-Kappas that the official Fantasy Fest is cancelled, but that there is going to be an unofficial one. So the kids dress up in horrible costumes. John is a beer keg, but he looks more like a sad robot. Janelle is a butterfly. I hope she will blossom soon. Tyler is...well, a gay swimmer. I don't know what the others are. Maybe Zach is Jamiroquai? I really have no idea. FORD!
Night. Street. Moon. Paula and Keith walk. He's not beating her senseless at the moment. That's an improvement. They sit and talk about the landfill-solid foundation their relationship is built on. Paula voice-overs basically, and I'm not kidding, that she had to get her ass kicked for them now to have a good relationship. They kiss. Keith giggles his doofy American Psycho giggle. Just when you didn't think Paula could get more ridiculous, she says, "He had to treat me in the worst way, to know now that he's never going to do that again." ARGGHHHHH! They flirt and tease. I shake my head and tsk.
Pseudo Fantasy Fest. Monster. Chicken. Keg. Scary costumes. Ahh! Oh no, it's just Paula and Keith. Paula then puts on her baby voice and asks Tyler and Janelle if it's okay that she take Keith back to the house just to see it. They lie that it's okay with them. Tyler camera-talks, beads that I don't what to know how he earned around his neck, that Paula is an "innocent little thing" that he wants to protect, so it's hard to see her with someone who abused her. Paula then tells Tyler that Keith wants to chat with him. Tyler does his super-bitchy straw-sip thing, and says to Janelle, "This is going to be awkward." Keith approaches. "Yeah, I love awkward. Whatever," Tyler Noel Cowards.
Keith and Tyler step aside. Hit him! Keith says that Tyler may have a problem with what he did and that he himself has a problem with what he did. Uh...okay? Tyler says all he knows is that Paula has made a lot of progress, and that it may then not be good for her to talk to Keith. Keith then informs Tyler that the Paula who gets drunk and does crazy shit is the one he met first. Whoa, so he fell in love with Paula Walnuts?! Wow. Okay, in his defense, I might have slapped the shit out of her too, then. Keith says that people think he caused her to act crazy, but in fact that's the Paula he inherited. He takes responsibility for his actions, though. Tyler says that as long as Keith is going to help Paula on her upward journey, it's okay with him. Tyler thanks Keith for the talk and then gives his most awkwardly manly handshake and hug. Keith keeps his pelvis halfway across town.
As she and Keith return to the group, Paula camera-scabs that it's comforting to have Keith accepted and that it takes worry off her tiny, bony, malnourished shoulders. They kiss.
House. A horrible whiny song about making things right plays as Paula takes Keith back to the house. They go right to cuddling and whispering in bed. She doesn't want him to go. Horrible abusive Keith then says that he can't wait to do "the home stuff" with her, and she goes all mushy and teary-eyed. Then she tells us that Keith said he can't wait to get married and have babies. Aw man, those are going to be some fucking hungry babies. Paula and Keith went through hell and, Paula says, choking up, they made it. Paula watches sadly as Keith leaves in a cab...back to the bar to find some girls to choke.
Day. Torn-up flags. Fucked-up pool. Office. Svet finds the burn book in Tyler's bag and, off-camera, opens it. She is shocked to find so many stories about her, and brats to Paula that she never lies -- perhaps she "embellishes" a little. Paula nails it, saying that Tyler likes to make fun of others because he himself feels insecure. Svet also nails it, wondering why people don't fucking call him on it, then; instead, they all keep their mouths shut. Paula also says that maybe she shouldn't talk to Janelle because she just goes and runs to Tyler with everything. Svet wants to burn the burn book.
Outside. Svet calls her thick-accented mother and tells her about the burn book and how mean Tyler is. Then we see Tyler standing hidden in the open doorway, arms crossed, hip jutted out, listening. Momski calls Tyler and Janelle "two losers" and "morons" and "low-lifes" that Svet should feel sorry for, not cry over. Tyler puts himself perfectly-framed in the shot, scowling. He camera-talks that Momski knows nothing about them and where does she get off calling them names? Uh, what? Really?! Really. Wow. Tyler makes his grand entrance now, starting (of course) with "Um..." and asking if Momski would like to talk to "one of the low-lives." Svet dismisses him, and he gets mad and yells that Momski should talk shit to their faces. Svet yells and Tyler actually yells something about having a lot going on in his life, so his extra time to make fun of Momski's daughter is not at the expensive of his having a life. Or something. Yelling. Yelling. "Go write about it," says Svet, walking away. Tyler tries to get the last word, but fails. Now Svet is crying to her mom and talking in fast Russian.
Meanwhile, Tyler says, "It's time for war, bitch," and writes a mean note in Sharpie. Svet cries that she's not smart (or evil) enough to battle Tyler. Aw, it's true and self-aware in a kind of charming way. Tyler puts his note up on the outside door. Yikes. It reads, "You should have stayed in Philly you low-life Bitch! Love, Low-Life Tyler." Harsh. And poorly-crafted. Commercials.
Backyard. Swamp-pool. Zach asks the crying Svet what's wrong. She tells him about Tyler yelling at her mother: "Who does he think he is?" Svet camera-boobs that Tyler has been such an asshole that any chance for them to be friends now is gone forever. SOB! Zach strokes Svet's hair and tells her that Tyler doesn't hate her, but just gets pleasure out of making her feel like shit. Oh, well then that's much less loaded and creepy. Svet talks more about the book, saying that Tyler wrote "ten pages" about her. Not to kick Svet when she's down or anything, but in this episode her count of the number of burn book pages about her has gone from five to eight and now to ten. Soon it's going to be "He wrote a book the length of Stephen King's It about me!"
And now here comes Janelle, and for a second you might think she'd seen the crying nineteen-year-old and was coming to comfort her, but you would be wrong. Instead, she puts on a high voice and rubs her hair and says, "I just want to know...when you were on the phone, did you say anything negative about me?" glaring with her scary eyes and brows overly-manicured by Jose's personal stylist. This is where Svet should tell Janelle to go fuck herself, but instead she tries to explain, and Janelle said that she heard "something" about her being a low-life. Svet says that Momski said that, and that she was just being a mother. I personally don't really see the confusion here. Janelle and Tyler wrote a shitty book about Svet. Svet told her mother about it. Her mother called them low-lifes for being mean to her daughter. I would say, "Sorry, Momski, we were jerks. We'll go buy your daughter some cabbage soup." Instead, Janelle gets her diva hand working as she says that it wasn't just Tyler and Janelle, and that the reason they wrote the book is that Svet embellishes. She goes on to say basically that Svet has to accept some of the responsibility for this book. Heh. Janelle -- trying, I suppose, to be sympathetic -- then says that not everyone always wants to hear Svet talk or tell her stories. Svet now camera-talks that she's tried to change, but that she supposes it's not enough, so, "sorry." Svet walks off, saying she has to pee, and leaves Janelle with a dismissive "Thanks for that, Janelle."
Inside, Zach shows John and the others Tyler's note. Zach voice-overs that the note made him want to vomit up his matzo, it was so rude. He goes into confront the (why?) shirtless Tyler, who is lying in bed. Tyler puts on that arrogant smiley face that makes you want to punch his teeth, and borrows Janelle's diva hand to stop Zach from scolding him. He says, "Listen to yourself," and asks Zach if he knows anyone else's side of the story. Zach calmly tells Tyler he knows how Tyler treats people. Zach then camera-talks, "Who are you to walk all over somebody's life?" Wow. Heavy question. Tyler, losing his high-pro glow a little, queens to Zach that Svet lies and manipulates and connives. Um, Kettle, it's 4 AM. Time to take Pot to compete in the first two parts of a triathlon. Tyler now camera-talks that Svet is like a bad little puppy who pees on the carpet and needs to be punished. He tells Zach that the things Svet "did" in his book were inappropriate, too, and that he reacted the way he did and will "stand up to that." Tyler is losing here. He should go back to diva-handing and writing poorly-worded notes. Zach tells Tyler that he expects more of his friends than for them to leave notes like that. Tyler says, "I think it's hilarious." Yeah, "You should have stayed in Philly." ROTFLMAO! Zach adds that Svet is a nineteen-year-old child and that they need to be nicer to her. Tyler says that he loved seeing Svet crying. Zach sighs and responds that he can't handle that. Tyler works his bitch-face again, smiling and saying, "She's a little baby whore and she deserves every tear that she's crying right now." Zach just stares. Good for Zach, standing up to Tyler. And he's a brave man for doing it while sitting in the shirtless Tyler's bed. Shiver.
Night. Key West. Houses. Houses. Outdoor restaurant. The kids eat. Paula, looking healthy and happy and downright glowing (oh, she got laid -- I get it), says that she loves Svet and that when she's being goofy and just being herself, she thinks it's "great." Zach thinks Tyler gets personal pleasure from being mean to Svet; he doesn't hate her, he just thinks she's an idiot. Paula says that Tyler thinks Svet has lived a very privileged life and that he wants to "correct her." But it's not his right, she adds, to correct someone's "life plan." Paula camera-talks that Svet is wealthy, beautiful, and has really nice things, and that Tyler is jealous of that. Tyler wants to be Svetlana! Of course.
House. Sunrise. Pool. Day. Jose informs Tyler and Zach that Bossman Ricky Croft has hired a professional cleaning crew to clean the salon, and that he then wants to have a conference call with all of them at 5 PM. I love that Bossman Ricky Croft is still off somewhere running from the hurricane. Dude, it's safe. You can come back from Vermont now.
Broken tree. Broken tree. Broken power transformer. The kids gather outside the salon and call Bossman Ricky Croft on their SIDEKICK! Bossman Ricky Croft hems and haws and then launches in, telling the kids that the two hurricanes really set them back and actually "destroyed everything [they] were trying to accomplish." Sad faces. Sad faces. Bossman Ricky Croft goes on to thank them for their hard work and determination. He says that's the good news. The bad news is that they're closing the Mystic Tan studio. Heeeeeeeee! The kids' jaws all drop. "To be continued..."
: the kids go to Spain. John makes out with some blonde. Svet yells at Martin on the phone for never revealing his emotions to her. Paula tells the kids that Svet is a younger version of herself. Svet wonders why it's necessary to talk shit about her. Because you're a peeing puppy, remember?