B-roll of Springtime in London. Mike is playing blade hockey with some people who want to be on TV...uh, I mean, "friends." Michael's voice over explains that his spirits have been lifted by the Outward Bound experience and the warmer weather. He says he still doesn't have any money, but "the racing is starting, at least." We see him on the phone with some guy who offers him a car and a team if he can come up with $5,000. I thought he'd already gotten on a team? I thought that when his father came to town, all that money and team stuff got settled. Whatever. Nevertheless, Mike is stoked and annoys the housemates to no end with his tales of racing and plans for the future. Neil tells Mike how boring he finds car racing. "What is there to see?" asks Neil, launching into a highly amusing imitation of what it's like to watch racing by craning his neck a lot and going, "Vroooooom!" Mike tells Neil that he'll get caught up in the excitement when he comes to see the race. Neil vows to come, but only to throw tacks onto the racetrack. Neil, you are so punk rock with that whole "tack" idea.
Mike goes out to meet the Redgraves. No, not Vanessa and Lynn. The Redgraves run a racing team; they're the ones who want to give Mike a spot. They show him the cars and the garage; Mike struts around, taking everything in while wearing that black-jacket-with- black-legging thing in which he always races, and which makes him look like a gay Flamenco dancer. And again, Mike voice-overs that this is the greatest garage/team/car in all of England, even though he has said just that about every car place he's visited. Oh, and Mike's hair is doing some things that I never imagined possible. Remember when Mike's parents came for a visit, and by the end of that visit, his hair was getting really long, even though he was buzzing the sides? Well, the sides are still getting buzzed even though everything else is getting longer.
The Thames River at night. Mike is on the phone, and according to that white squiggly line, he's talking to his father. Now, obviously, even Mike has noticed by now that there is something wrong with his hair, because he has attempted to blow it dry it so that it forms these glorious fluffy bales on his head. Only it's not working. Mike asks his father for a loan of $10,000. Mike's father pulls a passive-aggressive number on him. "I'll put ten thousand into your account...but I don't know where I'll get it," Duke says meekly. Then he informs Mike that he'll have to pay the interest on said loan. Mike tells his father that he "loves" him, and then in an interview -- where, thankfully, he is wearing a baseball cap -- says how good it feels to be "helped." "Helped"? You're being loan sharked, Mike! I'll bet that if Mike were trapped in a well by Jame Gumb, he'd thank him for the use of his lotion. "You're a real pal, Jame! My hands were just getting chapped. Say, what is that thing you're sewing? Sure looks pretty!"
The phone rings. Mike, his hair still wet from the shower, answers it wearing a pair of knee-length shorts...and nothing else. And let me just say that although there is nothing technically wrong with Mike's body -- except for the fact that his nipples are too close together, he's whiter than a sheet of paper...and Mike's personality inhabits it -- he really shouldn't be walking around half naked. Ever. The caller is Mike's friend Sean, who tells him that he's coming to England. Mike explains in an interview that Sean is a friend of his who is trying to line up sponsorship for Mike. Actually, Sean was already introduced to us in episode 5, but it's not exactly unwise of Mike to remind us about Sean, since it's not like most of us are paying attention. Furthermore, let's review Sean's role in Mike's life, shall we? Mike is participating in a popular documentary TV series that is being broadcast all over the world. He is looking for sponsorship for a car that he will be racing while he is participating in said TV documentary. Sean has not been able to convince a sponsor to invest a piddling amount of money into a racing team so that its logo will be seen all over the world...and several times over, thanks to reruns. Sean was not able to convince a company to help itself to a buttload of free advertising. Sean is an idiot. Oh -- and this has got to be the most unflattering shot of Mike ever. He is posing against a hot pink backdrop. He wears a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt. The lighting is really harsh, like when an actress is aging so they overexpose the shot so the glare will reduce the appearances of fine lines. Unfortunately, it doesn't hide the cold sores all around Mike's mouth. And his hair is truly special. It looks like Doris Day took a curling wand to her bangs and then got into a fistfight with her Mexican boyfriend who then threw her out of the house just as it started to rain. Sean asks Mike whether Kat is "cute." Apparently, he thinks he and she had something going on over the phone when she answered it. Mike says that Kat has "a cute face." Um, what the frig is that supposed to mean? Is Mike trying to say that Kat is fat? Mike encourages Sean's crush by telling him that Kat once asked him how Sean can be a racecar driver since he's so tall.
Kat: Um, hi, Mary-Ellis. You wanted to see me?
Bunim: Yes, Kat, please come in and sit down. And close the door behind you, would you, hon?
Kat: So what's up?
Bunim: Well, Kat, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. We've been going over the footage, and frankly there's nothing here. We just had to do a segment devoted entirely to the fact that you guys hadn't paid the phone bill.
Kat: But dude, that was totally interesting! I mean, you have no idea how frustrating it is not to have a phone! I think a lot of viewers could relate.
Bunim: Kat, let's cut the crap. This season is sinking faster than a stone. It's so bad, I just spent the entire morning on the phone with Duke Johnson begging him to come back and visit Mike. I may even have to get that busty poetry girl again. We're really clutching at straws, here.
Kat: I'm really trying, Mary-Ellis. I mean, I'm fencing every day, and stuff.
Bunim: Please don't take this the wrong way, Kat, but no one cares about your fencing. We need to see some good television in these last few weeks, Kat. Are we on the same page?
Kat: I'm not sure.
Bunim: Let me put it this way: Mike's got a friend named Sean. He's coming to visit Mike. You have to fool around with him.
Kat: [swallowing] Um. Okay, but how do we know if he's, you know, cute enough for me to fool around with? I mean, he's friends with Mike.
Bunim: We did some research. He has all his limbs and his parents weren't related by blood. I think he'll do just fine. Thanks for stopping by, Kat. Oh, and this conversation never happened. Got it?
We see a sign for Brand's Hatch, some racetrack out in the country somewhere. The squiggly writing informs us that it's "Testing Day." Mike explains how prestigious Brand's Hatch is. Guess what? It's pretty prestigious. Mike's teammate, Darren, is really cute. It's hard to believe they'd let him on the same team with Mike. He has raced this track before, so he shows Mike the ropes. I don't know anything about racing, but I guess Darren is explaining to Mike that the track is shaped like an oval, so Mike has to make turns every once in a while...that sort of thing. They put Mike in the car and ask him whether he's studied the "map" of the course. Mike nods vehemently, probably chanting "oval, oval, the track is oval. Take lefts every so often" silently to himself. He drives fast around the track and tells us in a voice-over what a good feeling it is to do something right. Oh, wait. He careens off the course and ends up in some grass. He sheepishly drives back to the clubhouse and removes his helmet. His hair cascades down in all directions like toothpaste from a tube that's been left uncapped for a few weeks, but you'd think he was in a shampoo commercial the way he shakes his head and fluffs it out.
The squiggly writing announces that it's "Testing Day 2," and Mike -- in another battered Doris Day interview -- says that, thanks to a day off, he had time to "re-sort" his mind and learn from his mistakes. Unfortunately, the car doesn't start. Finally, the mechanics fix it, but his testing time is almost up. He gets onto the track and the car doesn't move the way it did yesterday because of all the work the mechanics did. He goes on to say that his confidence was shot from the experience. Fortunately, we get to see his cute teammate Darren again.
Mike's loser friend Sean arrives at Attention Deficit Manor. Guess who goes to answer the door? Why, none other than Kat, that's who! What a coincidence. At first, Sean seems cute. With the bright exterior light hitting the dark interior, Sean seems like a tall, nice-looking guy. And those anti-sideburns he had back in episode 5 are gone. Kat feigns surprise that he just happens to be at the door, and invites him in. When Sean gets into the studio-lit living room, it's all over. Sean has really, really bad skin. Kat tries to make conversation with him, but there's no sparkle in her eyes. For some reason, they discuss Mike's taste in women. "Mike likes flashy, trashy women with long hair, well-done nails, who wear thigh-highs and little dresses," says Kat, neglecting to add that Mike also likes a lady who has an eight-inch uncut cock. "Mike wants a good girl who dresses like a bad girl," says Sean, like he's giving Kat pointers on how to pick up a real man like Mike.
Kat: [knocking frantically] Mary-Ellis?
Bunim: Kat, what can I do for you? Hey, isn't Mike's friend Sean supposed to get in today?
Kat: Well, that's what I came here to talk to you about.
Bunim: I see.
Kat: No, you don't. This Sean guy -- he's all kinds of fugly. It's not going to work.
Bunim: I think you will find that there is something attractive about everyone....
Kat: Where's your VCR?
Bunim: By the capuccino machine -- why?
Kat: This is some of today's raw footage. Check this out. Here he is trying to score with Jacinda. There he is picking his nose.
Bunim: My word, look at that acne!
Kat: I told you!
Bunim: Kat, on behalf of Viacom, I am so sorry. We had no idea. You're off the hook this time, but mark my words: the halfway decent fellow who knocks on the door -- you're doing it with him, got it?
Kat: Got it.
"I don't know how to describe Sean," says Jacinda, giving us a hearty chortle that tacitly says, "What a loser!" And let me just point out that Jacinda is from a penal colony, so she knows from losers. They show her tidying up her room while Sean sits on a chair and plays with the stuff on her desk. He asks her a bunch of questions about her flying lessons, thinking that a modern young woman like Jacinda digs it when a man values her for her mind and ambition. Jacinda tries to answer his questions in monosyllabic grunts so he'll get the hint that his pimply-backed self isn't welcome to linger in her room.
But speaking of Jacinda's flying lessons...let's go there, shall we? I mean, we were all hoping that they'd tell us more about her flying lessons, right? Well, it seems that she likes to fly because she travels a lot. So that made her want to learn how. And it takes her three hours to get to flight school from La Maison d'Envergure Courte d'Attention, so that tells us how much she really really wants to fly.
Murray: Hi Jacinda -- thanks for stopping by!
Jacinda: You're welcome, Jonathan. I hope this isn't about my floundering modeling career.
Murray: No, not at all Jacinda. We're just trying to...um...ascertain what you kids are going to be doing for the rest of the year.
Jacinda: Well, I've been caring for my dog and flirting with a lot of people.
Murray: Which is great! It's just not...enough for TV. Do you get what I'm talking about?
Jacinda: Oh, and I've been tormenting Sharon.
Murray: Which we totally appreciate! It's just that we need to you to do something. Hey, remember in that interview you said you wanted to take flying lessons?
Jacinda: I did?
Murray: Yeah, in the initial questionnaire, we asked you what you hoped to accomplish on The Real World and you answered --- I have the Xerox right here -- that you wanted to fly solo.
Jacinda: Oh, but you see I just said that because it sounded good at the time. I wasn't actually going to drive three hours to some airstrip and have to fly a plane.
Murray: Jacinda, I suggest you buy yourself a fetching pair of goggles.
Jacinda: But I --
Murray: I said move!
Anyway, Jacinda flies the plane herself with the instructor in the seat to her. She claims that flying is only "a more complicated version of learning to drive a car." The instructor tells her that she's ready for a solo flight. Jacinda goes up by herself. She says in an interview that she just "concentrated on the task" in order not to wig out about the fact that she was flying a plane solo. She lands. She tells us that "it's an incredible feeling to fly."
Oh, but you see, now Jacinda and Mike have a kinship, having both been in control of sophisticated methods of transport. At the dinner table, Jacinda brags to Mike about her solo flight while Kat sits silently chomping on some ice cream or something. Mike, in an interview, expresses his astonishment that Jacinda actually put her nose to the grindstone and accomplished something. Then it's Jacinda's turn to have Mike rub his accomplishments in her face. He shows her a story from the Sports section of a newspaper, the name of which we never learn, announcing that he joined the Redgrave team. Jacinda asks Mike whether he thinks he'll win. That gives Mike a chance to lay down some exposition to the effect that he's got to "qualify" on Monday. Jacinda makes a ribald comment about the sort of girls who would sit provocatively on the hood of a racing car and cheer for Mike's team. That reminds Sean of some trashy girls he and Mike saw on the Tube last night. Sean and Mike tell this story about Sean starting a conversation with the girls by pointing to Mike's picture in the nameless newspaper and telling them that Mike is the guy in the picture. Kat gets really into her ice cream like she's trying to block out the noise of her parents fighting. In an interview, Kat admits that she's disappointed by the sight of Sean in the flesh. "I'm not saying he wasn't nice," says Kat. "He just wasn't what I expected." We see Jacinda holding Legend to Sean's face and telling Legend to kiss Sean. "You know I don't like dogs!" yelps Sean. Jacinda continues shoving Legend in Sean's face because, you see, that's the point, and asks Sean whether he's as much of a loser with the ladies as Mike is. Sean claims to "get some" more often than Mike does -- a lot more. Not that that's saying much. In an interview, Jacinda expresses her amusement at Sean's imagined way with the ladies and says that she and Kat love to tease him. Then we see Jacinda interrogating Sean about the cuffs of his cut-off shorts. Mike, in an interview, tells us that Sean was having a good time at first, but that Kat and Jacinda then started to "beat on him." To illustrate this honeymoon period followed by a "beating," we are shown Jacinda forcing Sean to give her a piggyback ride down some street. Then she changes her mind and makes him put her down. Then, in bed later that night, Kat and Jacinda share a laugh over a recent attempt by Sean to enter their room and catch them half naked.
Bunim: So, you didn't feel compelled to, say, complain about Sean's harassment of you two?
Kat: Harassment?
Bunim: You two just spoke about an incident in which he tried to gain access to your room while you and Jacinda were both in a state of undress.
Jacinda: Oh, harrassment! I dunno. I guess we just didn't think about it.
Kat: And we were totally wearing clothes. It's not like he saw anything.
Bunim: Yes, but don't you feel violated?
Jacinda: By that wanker?
Bunim: Maybe I'm not making myself clear. I'm not telling you what to do here, but in seasons past, Real World cast members have found it cathartic to hold house meetings in which they openly discuss any grievances they harbor. They also found it necessary to kick one cast member out. Now, let me repeat myself: don't you feel violated by Sean's behavior?
Jacinda: Not really.
Bunim: Jacinda, I think that under that tough, fun-loving, sociopathic shell, lies a hurt little girl who might have a few repressed memories about something that might have happened while she was modeling in Milan. Just think of what this could mean to sexual-abuse survivors all around the world if you were to get in touch with your...
Jacinda: How bout I do some more flying lessons? And I was flirting with Neil last week. Didja see?
Kat: Maybe we could have a cat fight over Neil!
Bunim: You know what? Forget it. This conversation never happened. Just proceed as you normally do.
Jay, God bless his heart, has a big laugh when Sean confesses that Mike always told him that Kat was excited to meet Sean. "Kat wanted to meet you?" asks Jay in disbelief. "That's what Mike said," says Sean. Jay laughs some more. Oh yeah, and Kat and Jacinda settle into bed that night and dis Sean's manhood.
Back at the racing track, the squiggly writing indicates that it's "Qualifying Day." Mike -- in an interview in which someone has actually managed to pomade his hair into a perfectly unrepulsive 'do -- explains that since it's "Qualifying Day," he has to "qualify," and therefore there must be no more "bullshit." He walks around the racing grounds and shares a couple of cheap laughs with Redgrave, the owner of his team. The battered Doris Day interview with Mike is trotted out again and Mike explains some more about how important it is to "qualify," and then informs us about some other rules about racing that I will never care about. Apparently qualifying is done while no other cars are on the track. Mike qualifies; in other words, he drives really fast around the track. He complains to the mechanic that he can't go very fast. Everyone shrugs and tells him to do his best. He voice-overs that he's having problems qualifying because he can't handle the car well anymore. The results are posted and Mike's way down on the list. Sean explains to Redgrave that Mike is a "lousy qualifier but a great racer," and that he'll see that later on at the race. In another Battered Woman interview, Mike explains that he needs to do better tomorrow. All of his teammates are shown telling him he needs to do better.
It's the morning of the big race. The grounds people at Brand's Hatch are shown getting the track ready for the big day of racing. Mike paces in the garage. His voice-over explains how "ready" he has to be for this big day. Meanwhile, the rest of the house get up, climb into a taxi, and take the train down to Brand's Hatch to see Mike race. One of the editors actually found a moment when Jacinda and Jay are smiling in the cab, so they use that footage to make it look like everyone in the house cares a whole helluva lot about Mike's big race and is stoked to go see this big race. And God bless Sharon! Where would Bunim-Murray be without Sharon and her "I'm terribly excited about..." speeches? If Sharon were trapped in a well by Jame Gumb, you just know that she'd be "terribly excited" about being made into a coat that would actually be worn. So Sharon gives an interview to explain how "terribly excited" she is about finally getting to see Mike race. And, strangely, her hair is out of that bun for the interview. Jacinda voice-overs that they'd gotten no sleep the night before in order to explain the fact that everyone is yawning on the train. The gang finds Mike in the clubhouse. Mike says in an interview that he never imagines that anyone would want to come and see him race. We see Jacinda telling Mike that she's literally pissing in her pants with excitement. Mike looks like he actually believes her. Sharon gets inside the car, which is "terribly exciting" for her. Lars asks Mike why there is a decal on the car that says "Club Duke." "Because Dad paid for the weekend," says Mike. There is a brief pause and then everyone laughs heartily.
Mike finally gets into his car and drives to the track. His hair is too long now for any pomade to help. It just flattens the hair so that it creeps down his back like pancake batter. After some close-ups of Mike coupled with some voice-overed clichés about focus and concentration, he takes his place on the track. Just to pad the plot out a little bit, we are treated to another battered Doris Day interview in which Mike explains what a "standing start" is. Finally Mike does his "standing start," and the flatmates cheer him on. Mike does really badly; he's actually lapped by his cute teammate Darren. The race finally ends with Darren as the winner and Mike in last place. Everyone is shown comforting Mike and making excuses for his lousy racing skills. Sharon feels especially bad for him. Mike catches up with the flatmates after the race, and apologizes for making them wake up so early to come out and see him bomb. Everyone tries to convince him that they had fun regardless. Then they try to make him feel better some more. And then they try to make him feel better some more. Back home, Jacinda tells Mike that Sharon was crying with excitement, she was so proud of Mike. Mike keeps pointing out that he lost. Jacinda brushes his protests aside. At dinner, Jay points out that there were tens of thousands of spectators who turned out to watch sixteen people race...and that Mike was one of those sixteen people. All the housemates clap and toast their loser roommate, Mike.