Previously on The Real World: The roommates found out that, for their job this season, they will be working on sailboat charters. Brad bragged about the size of his penis, and even made his girlfriend tell his roommates how big it was. And then he dumped his girlfriend anyway.
The roommates are on the sailboat. Brad interviews that he's excited about their job, and that he thinks the crewmembers are cool. Brian, the Director of Sailing, advises the roommates to try to remember the names of the different parts of the boat, and to ask if they don't know, because they have to take a test the day. Jamie starts asking a lot of questions about the different parts of the boat. Brian quizzes her a little bit. At a later point, they need to turn the boat around, and the roommates don't seem to know what to do unless Brian tells them. Even later, the roommates practice tying knots. Brian tells them that if they pass the test tomorrow, they'll get paid $200 for their training, but that if they fail, they won't be allowed to go out on the charters, and they'll have to stay in the harbor and scrub the boats. Jamie interviews that she's concerned about Robin, who hasn't shown any interest in learning. Robin interviews that she knows that if she doesn't study for the test, she'll fail. I don't get why you would go out on the boat and actively not learn how to sail. Isn't that boring? It's like my students who come to class and then actively try not to learn. Wouldn't it make class go by faster if you at least pretended to participate?
Back at the house, Jamie tutors Robin on the different parts of the boat. Jamie draws a picture and quizzes Robin on the different parts. Robin interviews that this is the first time she can feel relief, because she thinks she's getting it. Cameran, Brad, and Randy sit around and do nothing. Robin interviews that she hasn't seen any of those three study yet.
Robin and her giant boobs and her ill-advised halter dress walk into the room. Why would you wear a halter dress, which makes everyone look like her boobs go in two different directions, when your boobs are already predisposed to that condition? Maybe they could learn about port and starboard and stuff by using the terms to describe which way each of Robin's boobs is pointing. The roommates all leave the house for a night on the town. Frankie is dressed all Catholic schoolgirl, complete with pigtails, glasses, and plaid pleated skirt. I think when your outfit could pass for a Halloween costume, it's time to tone it down. Brad interviews that he's not going to stay home and study because he already knows all the terms. The roommates drink and dance at the bar.
It's closing time, and the roommates spill out onto the sidewalk. Cameran is wearing her stupid sideways trucker hat. Everyone is really drunk. Jamie tries to get everyone to go home, since they have to work in the morning. Cameran interviews that everyone studied before they went out, except her and Brad, because they thought they could study when they got home and study in the morning. Man, haven't they both gone to college? You never plan to study after a night out. It harshes your buzz to know that you have studying to do, and you never do the studying anyway. Duh. Plan ahead, people! Focus! Eye of the tiger!
The roommates pile into their SUV. Jacquese is driving. Cameran is doing the "drunk sorority girl" thing by proclaiming, "I'm wasted!" Robin interviews that somehow they started talking about the fact that both Jamie and Cameran have never kissed girls. One of the guys suggests that Jamie and Cameran kiss each other. Jacquese practically falls out of the driver's seat trying to twist around and see this. Frankie promises to kiss Robin if Cameran and Jamie kiss, too. Frankie and Robin take the challenge and start making out. Here's what I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm repressed or old or whatever. I don't have a problem with girls kissing other girls, whether out of sexual desire or just to see what it feels like or curiosity or whatever. But wouldn't it be weird to kiss a roommate? Wouldn't it be awkward the day? I guess I place too much importance on kissing. Or they don't place enough. Plus, it bothers me that the guys in the car are clearly popping boners over it. ["That's what would have bothered me, if I could have seen it in stupid Canada, which I can't -- that the girls aren't kissing each other because they're actually gay or even actually attracted to each other, but to give their male roommates a show. Why? Stupid." -- Wing Chun] Everyone tells Cameran and Jamie that it's their turn. Jamie tries to back out, and Cameran looks kind of disgusted. I would say that I would only do it if two of the guys kissed, because what's up with that? ["Exactly!" -- Wing Chun] Frankie vows, "I'm not going to pinky-swear with you guys ever again!" Oh, no! They're violating the sacred act of pinky-swearing! Shun them from the sisterhood! Cameran makes the sign of the cross a few times and then kisses Jamie with a little peck. Everyone's all, "Wooooooooo!"
But the wackiness never ends! Jacquese interviews that the girls decided to kiss again, and then Brad would have to show his penis. Robin offers Brad the deal, and I don't think Brad heard anything past, "I'll kiss her again," because he gets this totally dazed look in his eye. Well, more dazed than usual. Brad interviews that he's not sure how his penis got into the deal. Cameran offers to make out with Robin to see Brad's penis. Brad says that he needs to get aroused. Oh, so he's a grower, not a shower. Jacquese is desperately looking for a place to pull over so that he doesn't miss any of the action, which was actually pretty funny. Robin and Cameran start making out, and the guys go nuts. Brad keeps yelling out, "Cameran likes it!" and Jacquese leaps on top of Brad for a better view, and then starts humping the air, which is a little much. The girls break apart and start yelling at Brad to pull it out. Robin starts to undo Brad's pants. Brad interviews that he's starting to feel a little violated, which isn't easy to do. Brad promises to show Robin before she goes to sleep, but says they need to get home and negotiate first. Frankie interviews that they decided to go home and allow Brad to "get it to its full extent, no pun intended." Well, it's a good thing she didn't intend one, because there wasn't a pun in that sentence, unless I'm missing something.
The roommates get home and Jacquese calls Brad back outside for a private discussion. Jacquese informs Brad that Cameran wants Brad to...and then Jacquese extends his fist. What? Cameran wants Brad to fist her? That seems unlikely. Or is he trying to use his fist to simulate Brad's giant penis? Brad says that he plans to close the deal about showing his dick. Jacquese says that he thinks the reason that Cameran wants to see Brad's dick is so that she can have sex with him. Yes, because penii (penises? ["penes" -- Wing Chun]) are so gorgeous that they drive women into a sexual frenzy on sight. Girl, please.
Brad walks in and says he can't get hard. Robin claims that she doesn't want to see it, and walks off. Brad whips it out anyway. Cameran squeals and runs away. Jamie interviews that she didn't see it, because she had passed out. Frankie interviews that she didn't see it, and doesn't care, but that Robin said that she was impressed. Robin interviews that Brad kept to his word. Well, that was exciting.
The roommates move out to the deck for more drinking. Randy interviews that before they knew it, it was 6:00 AM, and he realized that he needed to take the test seriously, once it was a few hours away. Well, good thing he realizes that now. Randy adds that he studied a little, and then went to sleep, and that the alarm clock went off three hours later, so he woke everyone up. Randy and Robin do some last-minute cramming. Randy asks Jamie to explain something to him. Jamie interviews that her roommates are nervous because they didn't study. Cameran interviews that some people take it more seriously than others, so she decided to go down to the dock an hour early to make sure that she knew what she was doing. Jacquese and Frankie walk down to the dock, and Jacquese says that either you know the material or you don't, and he feels like he does. Jacquese interviews that he's a Morehouse student, so he knows how to deal with these things. Oh, I see. At other colleges, people don't know how to study. Jacquese tells Frankie that when he fails something at school, his mother cuts him off financially for a few weeks, so he is used to studying for money.
Brian and Troy, the bosses, show up. Brian explains that the test is multiple choice. How can you fail that? Everyone grabs a test and starts writing. Frankie interviews that she knows she'll do okay, because she tests well and can memorize quickly. Brad interviews that he understands all the terms on the sheet, but is having trouble matching them with the definitions. So he doesn't really understand them. Cameran interviews that, at first glance, she thought she would be okay, but then she started getting lost. Cameran talks to herself about all the terms she doesn't know, and says that she's going to fail. Randy, Robin, and Frankie are done. Robin says that it's just like when you finish finals at school and just want to party. Cameran hands in her test and asks Troy not to think she's a failure if she failed the test. She is clearly used to using her cute little girl act to wiggle her way out of things. I hate that.
Brian explains that the second part of the test will be hands-on. Each roommate has to sail the boat and follow instructions. Frankie interviews that they have a practical exam so that they don't look like idiots when they're working on a charter. Brian explains that they'll rotate the roommates through and go through a checklist, which will be part of their final grade.
The roommates work to get the boat out on the water. Once they are out, the roommates have to go below deck so that they can't hear each other's questions. Randy is up first. Randy interviews that he feels nervous and anxious, but he seems to do okay. Below deck, Jamie asks Jacquese if he's okay, and Jacquese says that he's just worried about the test and about getting his money. Jacquese goes and seems to know what he's doing. I don't know anything about sailing, but Brian seems pleased, so Jacquese must be doing something right. Brad goes , and then interviews that he felt like he did well on the practical, and says that Brian congratulated him when he finished. Robin is up and seems hesitant. Frankie goes . I hope there aren't any big boats around! She does fine, and says that it was easy. Jamie takes the wheel and appears confident. Brian tells her that she was perfect. That leaves Cameran, who clearly doesn't know how to do anything. She tries again to cutesy her way out of it; she interviews that she doesn't think she passed, and that she's not sure what the consequences will be. Didn't Brian say the consequences would be that she wouldn't get paid and she won't get to sail? I thought that was pretty clear.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that the forum posters tipped me off about. A widower and his son move to Walnut Grove. Nellie Oleson totally gets the hots for the son, Luke, even though he's a big hick who wears overalls and no shoes, and even though she's usually a total bitch. Nellie invites Luke to dinner, and Harriet is all psyched when Nellie says that Luke's dad own a huge farm, but then Luke shows up and they play hayseed-type music and he doesn't wear shoes and he eats the entire hunk of meat instead of taking one slice and Harriet forbids Nellie from seeing Luke again. So Harriet enlists Miss Beadle to tell Luke's dad, Adam, to stop the relationship, and Miss Beadle is all over that since she thinks Adam is a hottie, and she goes out to his farm, and they totally fall in love, and the most awesome part is that their names are Adam and Eva. So the day after school, Luke and Mary Ingalls go to the mercantile to buy a ring, and Nels and Harriet totally think that Luke has thrown Nellie over for Mary (and who wouldn't, because Mary was kind of hot and Nellie was a bitch). But it turns out Luke just wanted Mary to pick out a ring for Nellie.
So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times. So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs. So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.
Brian grades the tests. He tells the roommates that they did fine overall, but that some of them need to do a little more studying. Robin interviews that you have to pass the test with 80%. Damn. Brian says that Frankie got a 95%, and he gives her the money. Jacquese got 88%. Randy got 80%. Jamie got 95%, and Brian tells her, "Very nice job." I notice he didn't say that to Frankie, even though she got the same score. Robin got 84%, and she tells Randy that she beat him, and then says that she studied her butt off. Brian tells Brad that he did well on the water, but that he needs to study the terms a little bit more. Cameran interviews that Brad looked bewildered that he didn't pass and won't get the money. Brian tells Cameran that she got a little bit confused between the bow and the stern and up and down. Hee! He advises her to study for the few days. Cameran asks if she did worse than Brad. He asks for her score, and she peeks at it and then says that she did "real bad." Brian says that those who didn't pass can't be on the crew. Cameran asks when they can take a retest, and Brian says, "Wednesday morning or Thursday." Since we have no idea what day this is, that means nothing.
Brad and Cameran walk home and discuss their plight. Cameran says she feels stupid. Brad points out that they didn't really study. Cameran knows that she shouldn't complain, because it's her own fault. Brad says it doesn't mean she's stupid. Cameran reveals that she got 54%, and Brad says that is bad. Wow. You'd think she would've picked more up than that just frpm having been out on the boat all that time. In a confessional, Frankie gives herself props for passing the test, especially since she didn't want to be there or do the job. Oh, nobody likes a bragger. Jacquese tells Randy that passing feels good. In a confessional, Jacquese shows off his official certificate and then shows off his money all "bling bling"-style, pulling each bill off the stack.
Cameran calls her father and tells him that she failed the boating test. He asks if she can retake it. Cameran says that she can, but that she won't get paid until she passes the test. Her dad is so like my dad, because he just says, "You better pass it, then." Cameran interviews that she needs money very badly. Cameran asks her dad whether he looked in her bank account, and asks what she has in there. She doesn't know how much she has in her own bank account? Her dad says that she has $40. Cameran asks if he put any more in there. Her dad replies, "What do you think I am, Wells Fargo?" Oh my God. Who put my dad on television? Cameran whines some more.
Cameran lies on the couch and studies for the test, but dozes off in the process. Brad walks in. Cameran says that she was studying, but then she fell asleep. Cameran whines that she wants to go somewhere, but Brad says she needs to study more. Cameran follows him out onto the deck and starts quizzing him, and then wonders what happens if they fail again. Brad interviews that he and Cameran have to pass the test so that they can work with their roommates, but that at least they're in it together. The other roommates get ready to go out, but Brad and Cameran are still studying. Cameran and Brad quiz each other and seem to know the material.
The morning of the test, Brad and Cameran do some last-minute reviewing. Cameran suggests that they go down to the pier before they forget everything. They walk down and tell Brian that they're ready. Brian reminds them that if they fail again, they don't get paid and they have to scrub boats. Brian says that the test is similar to the last one. Brad and Cameran take the test. Cameran finishes quickly and hands in her test in six minutes. Brian and Troy grade it, and Cameran can't wait to find out how she did. She says that everyone else went to a movie, and she and Brad stayed home to study. Does she want a cookie? Brad hands in his test. Cameran interviews that she thinks she did well. Troy reveals that they both got the same score this time: 99%. Does anyone think it was the same test? And why didn't they have to do a practical? I mean, Brad did fine on his first one, but Cameran didn't. That's horseshit.
Brad and Cameran walk home and tell the roommates their scores. Brad is carrying a box containing their uniforms. The uniforms? Are pretty ugly. They consist of giant navy blue polo shirts and pleated khaki shorts. Jamie says she feels like she's in eighth grade again, and that's a good call, because that is a total eighth-grade outfit. The roommates try on their uniforms. Man, do they look bad. The shorts are like culottes. Brad laughs at how dorky the girls look as they dance around and make fun of their uniforms.