By Kim
Previously on The Real World: Teck jumped into the pool naked, Kaia arrived at the house and hugged Teck and Teck asked Justin if he was gay. Here's a little tip for all you Real World viewers -- you can figure out who is going to be the focus of the episode by who they show on the "Previously" scenes. So we know in this episode, we're going to learn a little more about Teck.
As the episode begins, Teck is standing in the hot tub in his underwear (tightie blackies, if you must know), yelling, "I'm John Wayne!". The rest of his roommates are just kind of looking at him like, "Uh, okay. Whatever, Teck." Or maybe I'm projecting. Anyway, I have to comment that their hot tub is REALLY small. Although, they have a hot tub, and I don't.
Teck continues to yell for no apparent reason, saying "I don't like men!" Um, Teck, usually when people protest THAT much, they have some major issues with their own sexuality. People who are secure in their own sexuality don't need to go around yelling, "I don't like men! I'm John Wayne!". Actions speak louder than words, brother.
Then, in case we missed the point, Amaya tells us that Teck feels threatened by Justin's sexual orientation. Tetanus Girl is, as usual, topless. She tells Teck that John Wayne was bisexual, which upsets Teck greatly. Cut to an interview with Teck (where he is wearing the ugliest, brightest orange hat ever) where he helpfully informs us that there's no such thing as bisexuality -- some people are just greedy. Thanks, Dr. Ruth.
Cut back to the hot tub, where Teck and Kaia have some ridiculous argument I didn't understand about whether body type has anything to do with sexual orientation. Back in the interview, Teck talks about how he doesn't understand why it's cool to be gay these days. Hey, Teck, I've got two words for you on how "cool" it is these days for gay people. Matthew. Shepard. So shut up.
As Teck says (AGAIN!), "I'm a man!", the camera pans up his ugly, scrawny body, which is kind of a funny move by the producers. Speaking of ugly people, where is Matt? I think Matt is my favorite person to make fun of. He's so incredibly white-bread. In fact, from now on, Matt shall be known as Wonder Bread, if he ever gets any camera time. Being Wonder Bread, he is very inoffensive, and thus doesn't get to be on screen much.
Back in the hot tub, Justin asks Teck if he would've had a problem rooming with him, and Teck admits that he might have. Teck then goes on to say that he's a little nervous about being in his underwear in front of Justin, because Justin might be looking at his ass. I think Teck needs the services of a full length mirror, because Justin is SO not checking out his ugly body.
Teck proceeds to talk about himself in the third person, like Jimmy on Seinfeld. , he tries to make a metaphor about how his roommates "think of [him] as a bag of tricks and..." then he runs out of steam. After a few awkward moments, he figures it out and finishes, "and they don't know what trick is going to come out of the bag."
Teck answers the phone (see? I told you this was going to be all about Teck) and it's Calvin, from a surf shop called Local Motion. It turns out that the big conceit of this season is that the roommates will be working at this café/performance space. I'm noticing that Tetanus Girl (a.k.a. Kaia) is a huge busybody. Somehow, she gets involved in every scene. She runs up to the phone and starts leaning over the desk taking notes, while topless. I have decided that if the person who does the blurring this season didn't get a HUGE bonus, justice has not been served. I can't wait until someone turns to Tetanus Girl and says, "Would you please get your breasts out of my face!" I predict it will be Justin.
Now Teck and Tetanus Girl are in the hot tub alone. Aww, yeah. Teck says he KNOWS he's the man (as we see a shot of Tetanus Girl flicking her tongue out like a lizard, and Teck trying to kiss her). The best quote of the episode happens now, when Teck says, "I have a macho, 'I'm the man, I'm the cheese' type attitude." Yes, Teck, you are in fact the cheese.
Teck talks about how he likes big butts (and he cannot lie) and Tetanus Girl says she used to have a big butt, and how she started dating black guys because white guys didn't like her big butt and I really don't care about any of this.
Finally, we reach the end of Act I as Teck talks about how he is "single and ready to mingle" and then licks his teeth in a way that sends me to the bathroom to puke. He says that staying with his roommates all the time would bring out his inner angry black man, so he has to go out with his friend 2Pac and hit on women to validate his masculinity. Ugh, could this have been any longer?
It's the morning and the roommates are getting ready for their meeting with Calvin, owner of Local Motion. They don't know where Teck is. They wait for him for a while, but finally they have to leave. As they are walking to the café, Colin says he hates being late and Wonder Bread (hey, he finally showed up!) says it's 8:00 so they all start running.
Amaya is being really freaking whiny (am I surprised?). I hate her.
It turns out the Teck is already there, having gone straight to the meeting from his night of clubbing. I have to say, this was a jerk move, especially since the rest of the roommates are late partially because they were waiting for Teck. Teck goes on to lie and say he couldn't sleep because he was so nervous -- no, you couldn't sleep because you were out partying all night. I have to imagine that Teck smells pretty lousy, since he's still wearing the same clothes too.
Once the roommates arrive, Calvin tells them to be on time from now on (duh!), and Colin is mad at Teck for showing them up. Calvin mentions that he might have a car for them and Wonder Bread does the whitest, most 1998 thing ever -- he "raises the roof". Oh, he is going to be such a source of amusement for me this season. It turns out that their job is to book and promote acts for this café. Calvin tells them that if they can draw fifty people they will get $300 and for 100 people, they get $700.
Let me take a moment here to say that one of my former jobs was to book and promote events. It's really not that hard to get a hundred people to show up for a free, all-ages music show, especially if there's a college or university nearby. $700, my ass.
Calvin tells them they have to do the show on Friday, but since there is no indication of what today is, this means nothing to the audience. Then the producers pull off another genius move in terms of creating conflict: they award one van to seven people. This is even better than forcing two people to take the bunk beds. Unfortunately, Justin is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which as stated last week, I don't get. If I was in Hawaii, the LAST thing I would do is wear a Hawaiian shirt, much less a lei (which Tetanus Girl wore in an earlier scene).
Everyone piles in the van, and Wonder Bread starts singing "The Loco Motion" in this really scary voice that sounds like Regan from The Exorcist. Teck acts all crazy (get this -- he honks the horn! More than once!), and informs us that his name means "unpredictable". Um, actually it means "Goes through one place to another," so I'm not sure where he got "unpredictable."
Once the roommates get home, Justin suddenly becomes blond. Or maybe it was poor editing. One or the other. Teck took the van to go to the ATM, and he's been gone for over an hour, and Justin is mad. Did I mention the producers did this to create conflict? Justin eventually pages Teck and says, "Bring car home now. You're out of line." Teck arrives home and he didn't like the tone of that page (can pages have a tone, really?). Tetanus Girl once again sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong, and starts yelling at Teck about being late. While she has a point, I think it's Justin who should be involved in this discussion. Teck keeps saying things like "I didn't like that page" and Kaia will say, "I didn't send the page." Exactly. So butt out, ya Nosey Parker. Meanwhile, Justin is nowhere to be found.
, Teck once again demonstrates his need for a full length mirror by stating that he could "whoop everyone's ass in the house". Okay, I could take Teck. I think he weighs 100 pounds, soaking wet, right after eating a big dinner. Teck continues yelling and we go to commercial. See, this wasn't really that big of a fight, but by going to commercial, the producers make it seem like it lasted a long time. I'm on to 'em, I tell ya.
When they come back from commercial, Teck says, "Justin, I understand that you are frustrated because I didn't come back quickly. I felt that it wasn't a big deal since you were going to have the van all day. Obviously, we had some miscommunication, and I'm sorry." Then Justin says, "Teck, I hear that you felt I was talking down to you by saying you were out of line in that page. I'm sorry for that. Maybe in the future, to prevent other problems, we need to be more clear about our plans in terms of the van." Oops, I fell asleep during the commercial and dreamed that some of these people had conflict resolution skills. I was sadly mistaken.
Instead, Teck backs down and apologizes (guess he didn't want to open his can of whoop ass on Justin today -- thank God we were spared from the wrath of Teck). After Teck apologizes, Tetanus Girl says "You're forgiven. Can I just say one thing?" Um, Tetanus Girl? Butt out. This has nothing to do with you.
Ruthie books an act for the café: some friends of hers, since she's a local and all.
The roommates go to the University of Hawaii to hand out flyers for their show. Tetanus Girl uses her "charisma" to entice men to come to the show. She keeps telling people, "Even if you don't like the music, come to see me!" Sweetie, you want them to come to the show, not run away screaming. Teck talks to girls and Justin tells another guy, "Nice nails." Hey, at least he's more subtle than Tetanus Girl. Well, a giant pink elephant is more subtle than her.
Justin asks Teck why he is so confident, and Teck says that it's because he comes from such a great family. Teck says his dad is a cool motherf---r. Heh. I've never described my dad that way. What a great Father's Day card that would make -- "Happy Father's Day, Dad! You're a cool motherf---er!" Justin says he likes Teck.
Back at the café, it's time for the performance. Wonder Bread introduces the group, Teck is doing sound, and the group starts singing a "song for Jesus." Amaya is apparently supposed to be working behind the counter, but instead she gets all offended because she's "agnostic and a Jew." I didn't know you could be both, but what do I know? I have a few tips for Amaya here. One: you're not getting paid to like the music. Your job was not to book an act that you like. It was to book one that would draw in a big crowd, which this one did. Two: if you're so offended, maybe you could do some work time. Ruthie booked the act and I didn't see you offering to help. Three: maybe it would help your boredom (she pretends to fall asleep a few times) if you actually did some work, like make a drink or wipe down a table. Four: for all your drama queen antics, I didn't see you handing back your share of the reward. And finally, shut up. I hate you.