As befits a season set in Las Vegas (or any recent season of The Real World, really), the show opens with a montage of debauchery. I might have to copyright the phrase Montage of Debauchery because I feel like I'm going to be using it a lot this season. Anyway, we see footage of people gambling, having threesomes in a hot tub, drinking champagne, screaming at each other, and getting their freak on. Not all at the same time. Well, at least not yet. The season hasn't started. Give it a few episodes.
The credits list off four of the seven deadly sins (greed, gluttony, lust, and anger) while showing footage to illustrate each one. Given that the roommates seem to traipse about half-dressed much of the time, I have a hard time believing that gluttony will come into play at all here. Theo and CJP from the Chicago cast introduce themselves and welcome us. CJP tells us that they are in "Sin City, also known as Las Vegas." Wow, thank you for telling me that. Despite the fact that they are both wearing white bathrobes, Theo is still sporting that god-awful puka-shell necklace. Every time CJP talks, Theo is clearly reading her lines from either cue cards or a teleprompter, because he's looking off-camera. CJP tries her best to impress all the casting agents who are so not watching this crappy special. CJP introduces the first tape.
We are introduced to Brynn, a peppy-looking twenty-one-year-old from Portland, Oregon. In footage from her audition tape, Brynn explains that her father is gay and that her mother is in rehab. As if that wasn't enough material for B/M to cast her immediately, she tosses out that she had a threesome. Did she even bother making the rest of the audition tape? Because she was so in at that point. In casting, Brynn explains that when she goes out, she picks out a guy and always gets him. Then we see footage of her puking in a public toilet stall. Nice. In a casting session, Brynn says that if one her guy friends is talking to a gorgeous girl, she gets jealous and insecure. Then she totally glances at the camera and smiles. She's so incredibly fake. I really think she's as messed-up as she says, but I also think she knows how to play that up for the camera. All this from two minutes of footage. Brynn tells the casting people that she "really, really, really" wants to be on one of their shows. No, really? Because talking about your fucked-up family, promiscuity, excessive drinking, and insecurity didn't convince me of all that yet. Brynn concludes, "If someone pisses me off, then, you know, watch out." Wow, I'm so scared of the tiny crazy girl. Theo and CJP agree that Brynn is pretty, and CJP thinks that Brynn has a little Tonya in her. Theo segues to the segment in as clunky a manner as possible.
The roommate is Arissa, a twenty-two-year-old from Walden, Massachusetts. As we see footage of Arissa modeling, she tells us that her mom is black and her dad is white. Arissa also has a boyfriend at home. Not for long! I'm just guessing. Arissa says that she and her boyfriend have never been separated, and even when they break up, it's only for two or three weeks. Do they break up a lot? Because that seems kind of weird to me. And high school-ish. Arissa is very pretty, though, and very soft-spoken, at least in her interviews. Arissa says that she's only slept with three people in her life, and she's twenty-two. Was that supposed to shock me? Am I supposed to think she's inexperienced? Because it doesn't, and I don't. Arissa says that she discovered she was good in bed at some point, and wonders if they will videotape her having sex, because it gets intense. It's hard to tell if she's joking. I think she's joking around, but she's so deadpan that it's hard to tell. Arissa says that people who are serious all of the time are boring. Amen. We need more people like her on the show. So far, I kind of like her. Or at least I like her better than Brynn. Which isn't saying much.
CJP tells us that one of the seven deadly sins is sloth ("which means laziness" -- how dumb do they think we are?), and that when you are in Vegas, you have to sleep all day so you're ready for the crazy nights. Thank God for blackout curtains. A guy delivers a package to Brynn, and it contains VIP passes for something. Arissa reads something aloud about their job, which will be at the Palms Casino and Resort (which is also where they are living). I guess they have no excuse for blowing off work, when all they have to do is take an elevator downstairs. Mark, their boss, explains that he throws parties to promote things, and that it's very simple. I'm sure they'll still screw it up. In an interview, Brynn says that she doesn't like the job, and she needs someone to tell her when to be there, or she won't do it. I already hate her. Go work at K-Mart as a cashier. Punch a clock and make minimum wage. Or grow the fuck up. Mark the Boss tells Arissa (I think) that if people suck at the job, they will be suspended. Brynn says that she's very irresponsible when it comes to work. Well, she's on the right show, then. Mark the Boss wears a terrible-looking bandanna that I think has been Bedazzled as he tells one of the roommates that he's going to start docking pay because the work isn't getting done. Arissa tells someone that she's never been fired from a job. Some foreign guy tells the roommates that their work ethic sucks. Hee! I love the foreign guy. Mark tells the roommates that they can't drink while they work, and it's a big deal. Cut to the roommates drinking while they work. Arissa says that their boss might be schizophrenic. Some girl says that they won't be able to do the work in seventy-two hours. Someone else says that Mark the Boss thinks they can't get the job done. I'm sure the kids will pull together and triumph, but only after three or four fights, and it will be like the one piece of work they do all season, and then they will be all self-congratulatory about it, when most people have to work every day of their lives, and don't get VIP passes to concerts or meet famous people. Ingrates.
Theo babbles some more, and then CJP brings up some more deadly sins: lust and envy. Every time she says something, she shakes her head around in the most fake way possible. She would be a perfect morning-show host in some city like Dayton, Ohio. I could totally see her doing a Regis and Kelly rip-off in some third- or fourth-tier media city, all the while telling her friends in St. Louis that she's sure she's going to be offered a job in New York or L.A. any day now. But she never will. Theo looks everywhere but into the camera as he promises to show us the hookups when we return from commercial. As fakey and annoying as CJP is at being the host, Theo is just bad. I imagine that every sentence required multiple takes for him, and in the end, they were like, "Just say something about sex and throw us to commercial" because he couldn't get the line right.
When we return, suddenly Theo and CJP aren't wearing bathrobes anymore. I mean, they've changed into regular clothes. They aren't naked or anything. Thank God. Theo asks what Vegas would be without sex. Um, I think it would still be Vegas. Have you been there lately? Maybe there wouldn't be as many people on street corners passing out flyers. But everything's been pretty sanitized in the last few years. CJP asks what The Real World would be without sex. I'm guessing this won't be the season that we find out. ["Not to mention that CJP did her share to make sure we didn't find out last season, either." -- Wing Chun] Another few stilted line readings later, CJP introduces the two roommates.
First up is Steven, a twenty-three-year-old from San Marcos, Texas. He is a cheeseball. He looks like the host of some syndicated late-night dating game show. Steven says that he's a topless bartender at a gay bar, but he's a heterosexual male. Keep telling yourself that, dude. I mean, if he is completely straight, it's nice that he's so open-minded. But he doesn't throw off a completely straight vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Steven is divorced, because he got married too young, was an asshole, and slept around. Steven tells us how good-looking he is, and goofy, and happy all the time. He doesn't have a thought in his head, does he? His poor ex-wife.
Our roommate is Trishelle, who has already been dubbed everything from Trashelle to Trash-Hell by our forum posters. But seriously. Trishelle? You can be Trish or you can be Elle, but you can't be both at the same time. Pick a name and go with it. Anyway, she's a twenty-two-year-old from somewhere in Louisiana. She reminds me of Krusta from Big Brother. In her audition tape, Trishelle tells us that her mother died when she was fourteen, and she "went crazy for a little while." Her dad got remarried six months after the funeral. Ouch! Trishelle wishes her father were more supportive, and that he would tell her that he's proud of her and wants her to be happy. She is screaming, "Love me, Daddy!" Trishelle has never been to Vegas, but she goes out with her friends six nights a week. She sells her plasma for beer money. Which is actually double the fun because you get money for the plasma, and then you get drunk faster because of the loss of blood. Not that I'm advocating drinking after giving blood. Trishelle likes to hang out with the band after the concert, and she toured with one band that she does not name. She was "kind of dating one of the guys in the band." "Dating"? Try "fucking." Trishelle says that she has a lot of boys in her apartment, and she likes the baseball team. As I've said last season with regards to CJP, I don't care if she wants to screw half the men in Vegas. But she so clearly has daddy issues and she's trying to resolve them by sleeping with a lot of guys in the hopes that one of them will love her like her daddy never did. And it's sad. Trishelle also likes women, and lately she's been more attracted to women than men. In other words, "Pay attention to me! Love me! My momma died and my daddy don't love me! Someone look at me and love me!" That's the vibe I get. CJP says that Trishelle is "kind of sweet in an 'I was an Incubus groupie' sort of way." Hello? Should CJP be ripping on other people for hooking up with people in bands? Theo wonders if Steven will be the pimp in the house. Theo has a problem with the finger quotes.
CJP introduces us to the hooking-up montage. Brynn predicts that someone will hook up in the house. Steven says that his weakness is beautiful women. Arissa is horny and wants to kiss Steve's mouth. Brynn and Trishelle express their admiration for each other in interviews, and then hang out naked in the hot tub with Steven. Steven thinks that Trishelle is sexy. Some roommate we haven't met yet loves Trishelle. Steven bites Brynn's belt in a dance club. Trishelle and Brynn shower together. Arissa thinks she's stuck in a porno. Three people are in bed together. Man, this season is going to be OFF the HOOK! Sorry, I've watched that Fastlane promo a few too many times.
CJP introduces the roommates as "a smartie." Does it take much to be considered a smartie on this show? Since the majority of the roommates are lucky to have two brain cells to rub together, anyone with an average intellect looks like a genius. Anyway, the smartie in question is Frank, a twenty-two-year-old from Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. He's applying to graduate school, and had the ideal childhood, although he was a bit spoiled. He uses his mom's credit card to buy his mom a Christmas present. In high school, Frank was a long-haired pot-smoking hippie. Dude, he was in Nowheresville, Pennsylvania. What else was there to do but smoke pot? But he did correctly use antithesis, so points for that. Frank says that he always gets girls who are "pure." He details his ex-girlfriends' sexual histories, which I'm sure they appreciate, and says that he likes the untainted girls. So he's a pedophile? I'm just saying.
CJP tells us that there was a lot of envy in Las Vegas, which introduces another clip package. I'm going to have to recap all of these clips when they actually air, so I'm not going into too much detail now. Plus, we don't know any context, which makes most of them quite meaningless. I think I liked it better when they did actual casting specials. Anyway, Brynn thinks that all of her female roommates are much cuter than she is, and they all have bigger boobs than she does, too. Someone says that when Trishelle is drunk, she is "a party girl like Brynn." Trishelle makes out with Steven in a club right in front of Frank, who mimes shooting himself in the head. I hope that gesture is his only resemblance to Kyle. Frank thought Trishelle was a really nice sweet girl, but she's trash, and so is Steven. We see a very drunk Trishelle pulling an equally drunk Steven down a hallway. Trishelle, Steven, and Brynn rub each other up in the hot tub while Frank creepily watches. But then the camera pulls back and reveals the other roommates watching, too. Which is creepy. Trishelle and Steven snuggle in bed while Brynn says she's jealous that they are getting action.
Suddenly, CJP's hair isn't in a bun anymore and there are two people sunning themselves in the background, like, couldn't they clear the area before filming? Now I'm totally distracted by the dude in the background, who is lumpy and wearing shapeless yellow swim trunks. Anyway, CJP says something about melodrama, which I think was her major in college. She has a B.S. in Melodrama with a Concentration in Nodding and a Minor in Closure Through Sexual Relations.
Theo and CJP are now sitting in front of some slot machines wearing entirely different outfits. I think CJP is wearing a black corset. Anyway, Theo introduces the roommate. Irulan (pronounced Ear-roo-lahn) is twenty-three and from New York City. She looks a lot like Arissa, but she has a nose piercing. That's how I'm going to tell them apart at first, so I hope she doesn't take it out. Her father died when she was young, so she always has a man in her life. She has a boyfriend named Gabe, but they have an open relationship. She hooked up with someone in their circle of friends, which created stress, and her boyfriend told her that if she hooked up with someone on television, he would never talk to her again. So this is an open relationship how, exactly? Let me guess. He can hook up with whomever he wants, but he uses emotional blackmail to keep her from doing so. Dump the zero and get a hero, honey. Irulan says that when ignorant or racist people make comments to her, she feels it's her duty to speak up. Oh, she's one of those. The ones who won't let it drop. However, she refuses to identify with the black or white race, because she just wants to be herself. Irulan used to have an eating disorder. She loves gossip. She thinks she'll have a good time with people who are open. I get the feeling that Irulan is going to be one of those people who ends up being so completely different from how she appeared on the casting special, like David from New Orleans. I liked him on the casting special. I thought he was funny and weird. Okay, so I was partly right.
CJP introduces the final roommate. Alton is twenty-two years old and from San Diego, California. He plays the violin, and he likes to rollerblade and rock climb. He hopes to go into veterinary medicine. He started a business to supply temporary technicians to hospitals. Alton looks like someone. He's kind of a cross between a young Magic Johnson and Taye Diggs, but he doesn't have the good-looking parts of either one, really. He's kind of handsome, but kind of plain. Anyway. Alton thinks that some people won't like him, and he's cool with that. Alton is also considering pediatric medicine, and feels that he might get into trouble in Las Vegas. Oh, he just referred to himself in the third person. Kim hates that.
CJP and Theo introduce the anger segment. They are barely letting those two talk at this point. I think the producers just got tired of Theo botching lines and cut their segments as much as possible. Arissa complains that Irulan tells all her secrets to Frank. Alton thinks Irulan has a big mouth. Irulan thinks that Frank is "creating a situation" where she and Arissa can no longer be friends. So Arissa/Frank/Irulan is Fight #1. Frank thinks that Steven only cares about himself. Alton yells at Steven in the hallway. Steven and Frank yell at each other. So Steven/Frank is Fight #2. Frank says that he and Arissa joke around a lot, and she pretends to be mad, but she isn't. Frank tells Arissa that she's "the bitchy black chick." So Arissa/Frank is Fight #3. Wow, does anyone get along with Frank? Brynn says that she and Steven have never been cool with each other. Steven thinks that Brynn is rude. Brynn overhears Steven talking about her, runs into the room, and shoves him. Arissa and Irulan break the fight up. Steven yells at Brynn that she's "a little slutty tramp bitch." Plus a lot of words that were bleeped out. Ooh, that looks like a good fight. Steven accuses Brynn of laying her hands on him three times. Brynn cries to her mother that she thinks she's going to get kicked out. So Steven/Brynn is fight number four. And those are just the biggies. Woo!
CJP -- whose makeup is just pancaked on, which isn't doing her any favors -- says that there is "a lot of big-time action." She promises that there will be a lot more sinning this season. She plugs the "Cheap Slots" game at mtv.com, and a few bad puns later, Theo tells us to take a sneak peak at the season. He struggles through his one remaining line, and I find that I was holding my breath until he got through it, because his line readings (or lack thereof) make me so anxious. Please, never hire him as a host again. What, Kyle wasn't available? Oh, I forgot. He's busy doing theater work.
Anyway, here's what's in the final clip montage. Steven says you should always use condoms. Someone takes a pregnancy test. Steven says he couldn't handle a child. He is a child, so I'm sure he couldn't handle one. Alton talks to someone on the phone about becoming a father. Do these people understand birth control? Irulan is attracted to Mark the Boss. EEWWWWW! He's gross. The roommates vacation in Australia and the girls frolic topless. Frank asks if Brynn is hooking up with Irulan. Alton tells Irulan (I think) that he's in love with her. They take a bath together. Then she yells at him. The montage over, Theo asks if anyone will get kicked out of the house. CJP asks if anyone will get their ass kicked. Theo asks how many people can fit in a Jacuzzi. And they blessedly end the segment. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to this season now. If nothing else, it won't be boring.