Remember early 1993? Kurt Cobain was still alive, the AIDS epidemic was, arguably, at its height, and I was wearing flannel and reading Sassy. I'd say it was a happy time, except for the fact that it totally wasn't; recession notwithstanding, I was also a senior in high school, and as such, stuck in a living hell. On the other side of town, less than twenty miles away, however, MTV embarked on the second season of The Real World, which was another kind of hell entirely. To wit:
The first episode begins not with the familiar fish bowl, seven strangers, polite/real dichotomy fishcakes, but with advice from the New York cast interspersed with introductions to the Los Angeles group. I suppose, at the time, this was a clever way to kick off the second season, but right now, it's making it very hard for me to decipher where, exactly, the New York cast reunion ends, and the Los Angeles season begins. So I'm just going to pick a moment and go with it.
We meet Dominic, a spiky-haired Irish guy first. Dominic's kind of punky-looking -- leather jacket, the aforementioned hair, a Johnny Rotten t-shirt, the works. I admit, I dig the accent. Also, because he's Irish, and because this is MTV, where stereotypes go to die, we find out that he likes to drink. He likes to drink a lot. Dom clambers into a Winnebago, and informs us that he's driving all the way across the country to pick up a bunch of people he's never met before. And thus a small seed of an idea is planted in the collective heads of Bunim, Murray, et al: the germ of a plan which eventually spawned the other TV-As-a-Human-Train-Wreck phenomenon -- Road Rules. More or less. Anyway, Dom blabbers that he hopes the cast will get along. Heather, from New York, pops in at this point and predicts, with stunning psychic powers, that "somebody's gonna leave ahead of time." Of course, this happens almost every season, but she couldn't know that then, could she? Heather rocks the house. , Eric "The Grind" Nies, clad in a God-awful grungy plaid thing and a backwards "Newsies"-style cap, primly advises the Los Angeles cast to "be themselves." Wow, Eric, that's really great advice from an insider, and totally not something everyone has already heard from their Mom twelve thousand times already.
So Dom revs up the Winnie and takes off for the airport, emoting the whole time that he doesn't know what the person he's going to pick up looks like, if that person is black or white, a man or a woman, gay or straight, religious or atheist, if they'll get along, because, you know, they're just these perfect strangers, sent to live in a house. He wonders what will happen when people stop being polite and start being real.
Tami -- a tall, attractive black girl -- comes out of the airport, laden with luggage. She's somehow convinced a strange man to help her with her multitude of bags. Yes, that's a sign of something. What, I'm not sure yet. Dom and Tami shake hands. In an interview, Tami -- wearing the largest hoop earrings I have ever seen in my entire life -- says us that Dominic "wasn't what [she] expected." She says, however, that she thinks he's "cool." Well, duh, look at the leather jacket and mumbly voice. Dom is trying so hard to be cool, he might freeze to death (see what I did there? Cool = cold? Okay, never mind). Dom loads all of Tami's luggage onto the Winnie, and confides to the camera that, if Tami were a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln. Not in so many words.
Tami calmly watches as Dom piles all her stuff onto the Winnie. He makes some crack about her not lifting a finger, but she just laughs. Tami laughs a lot. Generally, in a barely controlled hysterical tone that's this close to suggesting mental instability. Dom informs Tami that their first stop is Kentucky. Tami confides to the camera she never thought she'd be driving across country, and certainly not to Kentucky, and that she feels pretty "unsure about it all." Dom takes the wheel of the Winnie, and oddly, Tami sits in the back, rather than in the passenger seat beside him. First she let him load her luggage, now she's letting him chauffeur her. Interesting. I'm still withholding judgment.
New York Heather pops in again, predicting, again, that someone will drop out. New York Kevin holds his head in his hands and expresses doubt that the cast will get along. That longhaired New York cast member whose name I never remember ["André" -- Wing Chun] hopes that no one kills anyone. Okay, we get it. Let it go, you guys. It's over. You're done! Go home!
In the Winnie, Tami's moved to the front seat, the better to grill Dom. He tells her that he writes music columns and television reviews. He says that "it's the most amazing thing in the world; you give your opinion of something, and someone pays you." Wow, that was Meta. For me, anyway. Dom asks Tami what kind of music she likes, and she tells him she likes "R&B." At this point, the kids out in TV land get a glimpse of Tami in the music studio, jamming in her big-ass earrings. In an interview that looks as though it was taped in the pool area of a Motel 6, Tami reveals that she has a "four-girl group in the process of signing some paperwork with a major record label in L.A." Well, that was vague. Back in the studio, we catch the first of many glimpses of Tami singing that she's "a slave, [she's] a slave, [she's] a slave to your lovin'." She's wearing the fugliest choker I've seen in years. God, the clothes on this season bring me right back to my most awkward stage. Thanks, Bunim-Murray, for reminding me to burn that box of pictures. As Tami comments that her group is often compared to En Vogue, we get a peek of some kind of photo shoot, in which all four of the girls are tarted up like crazy, hippie hookers in long macramé vests and hot pants. Tami informs us that she works at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Community Services Center, at the HIV healthcare clinic. I just have to say that watching this season reminded me how very serious the AIDS epidemic was in 1993. Now, you don't hear nearly as much about the disease, due, I suppose to advances like the drug cocktail, and the fact that, thank God, it's becoming less of a death sentence. I just remember being in high school, and being scared to death of AIDS. Which is why I didn't have sex until -- never mind, my mother's reading this. Anyway, Tami says working with terminally ill people takes a toll on you. She looks pensive. Ain't nothing funny about that, people.
Dom and Tami finally reach Kentucky, which Dom the Alcoholic identifies as "the home of Jack Daniels." In the Motel 6 interview, Tami grins and tells us that she felt "intimidated" in Kentucky. Julie from New York pops in and says that she'd like to stress to the Los Angeles cast that "they're going to have an impact on people's lives." I like Julie, but that's really facile advice. Anyone who doesn't live in cave has an impact on other people's lives. She adds that she hopes they make that impact a positive one. Me too, Julie, but it ain't bloody likely.
Dom and Tami speculate about the identity of the roommate they're on their way to fetch, but MTV loves the viewing audience, and gives us a sneak peek of Jon: big belt buckle, mullet hairdo, huge cowboy hat. Yup, he's from Kentucky, all right. Jon speculates that his roommates will either think that he's odd, interesting, or a complete poser. Tami and Dom arrive at Jon's house and ring the bell -- which responds by ding-donging the dulcet tones of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." They crack up, and, with eerie prescience of current events, Dom crows, "Whassssssup!" as Jon -- all decked out in his black cowboy hat and stripy rodeo shirt, bless his heart -- opens the door. Introductions all around. Dom's voice-over tells us that he thinks Jon was a little shocked by their appearance and expresses his own surprise that people like Jon actually exist, what with the cowboy paraphernalia and whatnot. Dom is clearly uncomfortable in Jon's home, and tells his companions that he's ready to bail, but Jon tells them they aren't leaving until morning. The ominous Real World Horns of Divisiveness hoot, as both Dom and Jon stare directly into the camera, as if willing the camera guy to help them out. Dom plaintively asks when, exactly, they are leaving.
And we cut to commercial. I have that shirt that Amaya's wearing.
I'm so used to typing "back at The Ranch" in my Judging Amy recaps, to describe, facetiously, the house in which the main characters dwell, but it's literally accurate in this instance. Anyway, back at the ranch, Dom slumps rudely on the sofa, looking distinctly uncomfortable. His voice-over tells us that TV has given him all kinds of ideas about "hicks" and "hillbillies." We get a glimpse of Jon's cowboy-hat-wearing relations, and the license plate of someone's car, which reads "KUNTRY." I'm so glad Bunim-Murray exists, to burst through those preconceived notions of which Dom speaks.
Sweet Jon, in an interview, tells us that when Dom walked in, he thought, "This guy is so weird. I'm just going to stay away from him." Hee.
Back at the Ranch, Jon offers Dom and Tami beverages, and proceeds to serve them both Cokes. In an interview, Dom admits that he was irritated when Jon didn't serve them beer. God, ten minutes into this damn show, and they've already completely established Dom as the alcoholic. I think that's a record, second only to the Ruthie-as-Boozer correlation made almost instantaneously during the Hawaii season. Jon explains that he doesn't have alcohol in the house because he was "raised in a Christian home." He grins. Maybe I'm supposed to be writing this as if I don't know what happens, but in comparison to the rest of his roommates, and, indeed, to the majority of Real World casts ever, I think Jon is just the nicest boy. I hate the hat, but the kid can't be beat. Dom continues bitching about the fact that Jon served them sodas. Dude, get over it! Didn't your mother teach you that part of being a nice guest is not complaining about whatever the host chooses to serve you?
Dom tells Tami and Jon that he is twenty-four, which has got to be a lie, because I'm older than that and Dom looks as though he could be my father. Tami is twenty-two. Jon is eighteen. While Tami giggles over Jon's youth, he invites his new roommates to watch him "perform" that evening.
And as Dom and Tami go, so go we. Now, I'm not a huge country music fan, but Jon can sing okay, if a little too twangy for my taste. And he has good stage presence, which is noted by a surprised sounding Voice-over Dom. And he knows, because, you know, he's a music critic and all. Dom says that while he knows nothing about country, he can tell that Jon's talented because he can work the crowd. I don't know about that. Mariah Carey can work the crowd, too, but I still think she's a skanky-ass hooch, and I'd rather remove my eardrums with a grapefruit spoon than listen to her sing. A shot of Tami and Dom in the crowd belies Dom's rather blasé assessment of Jon's performance; they're both laughing and clapping up a storm.
After the show, Jon signs autographs. Dom is stunned by the kid's seemingly devoted fan base, and patronizingly tells us that he thinks Jon is under the mistaken impression that he's going to hit it big in Los Angeles. He snorts.
Jon's mother tells the camera that he'd be a whole lot safer at home in the Bible Belt. But she doesn't seem to have a problem with his getting into a Winnebago with two total strangers and driving all the way to Los Angeles. In fact, she and Jon's father wave quite gaily as the van, Jon at the wheel, drives off into the sunset. Jon's Dad yells after them, "Y'all take care now!"
MTV is so damn profound. They flash a "Mile 0" street sign as the kids take off towards California. Get it? They're starting on their journey? Anyway, the camera follows the Winnie into Tennessee, toward Memphis. At some point, Jon mentions that he's getting a little tired of driving. Dom offers to switch when they stop to get gas and mentions that he "fancies a beer." Jon tells Dom he "ain't drinking and driving in my ve-hick-le," in a joking tone. Tami, of course, just laughs. Dom brats that he knows that, which is why he wants to drive before lunch, which is when he plans to have said beer. Jon agrees, but echoes, "You fancy a beer?" in the Super Hick accent he's putting on in an attempt to be amusing. Dom irritably rolls his eyes, but come on, dude. How many people have beer for lunch on a regular basis? Just asking. So glad to see that we've got the Dom-as-Alcoholic arc already on a roll.
After the kids get gas, Dom takes over the wheel. Tami, apparently, cannot drive, since she hasn't offered nor have we seen her attempt to maneuver the Winnie. She plays with the CB radio, crowing, "Breaker, breaker, one, nine," and so forth. Jon informs her from the back seat that you only say, "Breaker one nine," when you're on channel nineteen. I'd make some comment about Tami being stupid here, except for the fact that I totally didn't know that either. Tami laughs, and confesses that she's been misusing the CB this entire time. Oh, whatever. Can we get some sex scandals and nudity in this season already? Motel 6 Tami tells us that "everything is going to be cool." Dom, lying on a hotel bed in a Hawaiian shirt, sniffs that Tami is in a really big hurry to get back to L.A., which is a side of her personality that we totally haven't seen. He admits that there "ain't no way" he's coming back to Tennessee or Arkansas ever again, so he'd like to see what he can while he's there. I think this was a half-hearted attempt by BM to create some conflict between Tami and Dom, but I don't buy it. Not yet, anyway.
Bunim-Murray wastes some time with random shots of the countryside, before we find out that Dominic, the navigator, has gotten the kids completely lost. Staring blankly at a map, Dom attempts to blame Jon's driving. He then proceeds to sulk in the backseat. The Winnie shuttles past Graceland, and Dom hangs his head out the window to get a better look. He confesses that he's a huge Elvis fan, but that it "doesn't rule his life," the way beer does. I mean, the way it does some people's.
Tami and Dom check into a hotel near Graceland, where they are informed that all the rooms have twenty-four hour Elvis movies. In the hallway Dom whines that he wants to go out, but Jon says he personally isn't going to a bar. He can't even get into the bar. And he points out that he can't understand why Dom would want to go out when he has beer in his suitcase. Dom argues, articulately (not), that he just wants to go out. In an interview, Jon tells us that he told Dom that in his opinion, Dom drinks too much. And that Dom kind of brushed it off. This revelation is accompanied by a shot of Dom pouring beer from his suitcase into those little plastic cups the hotel provides in the bathroom. Jon tilts his cowboy-hatted head and says, "He drinks too much that I'm used to [sic]." Well, here we go.
The scene involves Jon and Tami chasing after Dom as he takes off for the mythical bar. Jon yells at him to "wait up." Dom mumbles something that I don't quite catch, but it involves a bleeped-out word, which I suspect is "fuck."
In the same "Dom Drinks Too Much" Interview, Jon tells us that he's never done any drug, nor had even a drop of alcohol. He says that he's not even sure that those things are wrong, he just hasn't done them. See? Jon is not judgmental. He's concerned.
Dom leans on a stairwell and tells us he's "severely addicted to nicotine" and he has to stop. Several shots of Dom lighting up in various venues accompany this confession.
Jon sighs that he doesn't know if smoking is wrong, per se, but that he does know it shortens your life. He tells us that Dom has told him that he, Dominic, doesn't think smoking is wrong, because it doesn't hurt anybody else. Jon, sitting to a fire in yet another cowboy hat, reminds the audience of the dangers of secondhand smoke.
Tami, wearing sunglasses in a hotel room, reveals that she and Dom have been playing with a Magic Eight Ball in the car. She explains what a Magic Eight Ball is, to which I would like to respond: duh. She cackles and explains that at one point during their journey, they asked the ball if "Jon was going to get laid, when we get to Los Angeles." Jon, in the Winnie, blushes and tells his companions, "That's not a very nice subject." Dom tells us that Jon was pissed about the entire Sex/Eight Ball debacle, but it really just looks as though he's totally mortified. The Eight Ball says the Outlook is Not Good for Jon to get some. Tami laughs and laughs, her huge hoop earrings almost hitting her in the face. In the Fire Interview, Jon tells us that he doesn't believe in sex before marriage, as per the Bible's instructions. He laughs sheepishly, and says that the Eight Ball was right, because he knows he isn't going to have sex in Los Angeles. Tami says she thinks Jon was irritated with her for bringing the subject up, but I saw the footage, people: The kid's eighteen. He's embarrassed. Compared to future Real Worlders, Jon is like a Zen freaking master, baby. You don't even know from irritated, yet. Tami explains that she doesn't think bringing up sex was a big deal, because "everybody does it. Just not Jon." She cackles. Somewhere, Elka's ears are burning.
The Gruesome Threesome are eating at what looks like Denny's. Tami tells Jon that his father was sad to see him go. Jon tells Tami and Dom that if his son took off with two strangers who looked like they did, he'd be upset himself, probably. Tami laughs hysterically, then, as her synapses begin to fire again, suddenly asks Jon what that comment is supposed to mean. Dom and Tami seem mildly offended, as Jon kind of backpedals, explaining that, for Owensbourgh, the two of them looked kind of strange. He explains to us, in the Fire Interview, that he didn't mean to stereotype anyone, but that Dom and Tami are, well, a little strange compared to what he's used to. He apologizes for offending them, a little defensively. Dom tells Tami and Jon that his parents would be thrilled to see him take off with a religious country boy, because they would hope some of it would "rub off" on him. The familiar strains of REM's "Losing my Religion" twang as Jon piously says that he believes if you don't believe in the Bible, "you're lost." He's wearing a very tacky Jesus With a Crown of Thorns t-shirt. Jon, sweetie, just as the Lord doesn't want you to have sex before marriage, neither does He want you to wear that shirt.
In the Winnie, on some unnamed portion of the journey, Jon rather plaintively asks Dom at the wheel if they're "getting lost." Dom tersely says they are not. Oh, irony, I weep for you.