The episode opens with signs from various Seattle bars. In an interview, Lindsay tells us helpfully that "gay clubs are more fun than straight clubs" because the people "aren't as conservative." Lindsay, Janet and David are shown dancing away on a strangely empty dance floor. Do these kids just not go to cool clubs, or does the club empty when they show up? Or do the producers bribe people to clear the dance floor, so they don't have to get signed releases from everyone in the place? Anyway, then we see Nathan and Stephen dancing, too, but not together. Janet tells Lindsay that everyone in the club thinks they are lesbians. The horror! You mean if you go to a gay club, people might think you are gay? David shakes his groove thang with a transvestite. Lindsay voice-overs that the transvestite was "pretty hot" but my television tells me otherwise. Now, all ten people have cleared the dance floor and someone has given the transvestite a microphone. He asks Lindsay if she's "gay, straight, or..." and Lindsay yells out that she's gay, and then yells the word "lesbian" twice. Stephen is talking to a group of people, telling them about Lindsay's "crazy energy." In an interview, Stephen says that he met a guy named David who is bisexual. (This David will heretofore be known as BiDavid to distinguish him from roommate David.) David is dancing with the transvestite, calling him a "Filipino princess." Said princess calls David "Untucked-shirt Spice" and David says that he prefers "Sloppy Spice." Remember when it was cool to call people [something] Spice? Yeah, me neither. The transvestite (sorry to keep calling him that, but we never get a name) tells David that sloppy kisses are the best, and starts unbuttoning his shirt. Lindsay and Janet giggle behind their hands like first-graders.
It's the morning after the gay club night, and Lindsay is drinking out of a gigantic coffee mug. Janet and David stumble into the kitchen with bedhead. Well, for David, it's kind of regular head, since that's what his hair looks like most of the time. Janet says she feels like crap. David says he assumes they drank their faces off. Janet danced like a rock star. David agrees she was in "rare form" and Janet tells him that he's one to talk, because he was "dancing and kissing a transvestite." David tells her to shut up, because that's how rumors get started. Janet downgrades her accusation to kissing the transvestite on the cheek. David's foggy synapses finally connect, and he says, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."
David is seen walking into someplace called The Vault. In an interview, David says he met Harry at The Vault, their gym, and Harry gave him some "cool contraptions" to use while working out. We see David hanging upside-down from a bar and doing crunches while Harry "spots" him. If by "spots," you mean "checks out." David's interview continues, saying that Harry left him a message saying that he had four Sonics tickets.
David and Nathan discuss the message that Harry left. Nathan says it's weird. David says Harry's an inventor, so he's "weird-ass." Nathan still thinks it was a funny message, and reads it off the beeper: "Are we still on for workout, dinner, and Sonics?" David says what Nathan is thinking -- that it sounds like Harry is courting them. Nathan agrees, but David says that he thinks Harry is "solid, even if he is batting for the Yankees." Stephen laughs and calls David a "corn dog." David asks why, and Stephen says, "You called me Hitler yesterday, and now gay guys are batting for the Yankees." Um, Hitler? They all laugh, and laugh, and laugh. David says he just gets stupid sometimes. Sometimes?
David is on the phone with Harry, who gives him the scoop on the Sonics tickets. David asks how much they are, and Harry says it will be his treat. Now, right here is where David could have put a stop to this whole creepy subplot. He could have insisted on paying, or refused the invitation, or something. But he doesn't. And he will regret it later. ["Yeah, Kim would know. One time I treated her for dinner and expected something in return, and...well, never mind." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Harry goes on to suggest that they get some food before the game. David agrees, and then teases Harry by saying that this abs are killing him. Come on, you know David knows what Harry wants, and you know he is totally being a tease right now. What a little vixen.
Stephen and BiDavid are walking to a bar. Stephen voice-overs that he and BiDavid clicked right away, and BiDavid reminds Stephen of his best friend Cedric. In my notes, I had "best friend" abbreviated as "b.f.," so I almost typed "boyfriend." I'll just leave it at that, and let you fill in the joke. Stephen meets Robert, who is BiDavid's twin brother. Stephen tells the gang that he goes to U.C. Berkeley. Robert says, "So, you're gay?" Wuh? How does going to Berkeley equate with being gay? I hope the producers edited out a little context there. Stephen tells them that he's straight, but he "has a lot of gay friends," and "Berkeley is the center for open-mindedness in all of America." Robert says he thought Stephen was gay, and some off-camera female voice agrees. Then, in case we don't get it, the producers insert a shot of a Rainbow Flag. Robert says he was shocked when Stephen said he was straight. Then the producers insert a shot of the jukebox, conveniently showing a Village People CD. Oh, for crying out loud. We. Get. It. It's a gay bar. They all think Stephen is gay. He says he's not. Then some random guy asks Stephen if it's hard being straight, and I think they must be making fun of him with that one. I mean, come on. Stephen answers it all seriously, saying that he had a girlfriend for four years (because he's straight) and he doesn't see a difference between gay and straight people (but he's straight) and it all comes down to who you sleep with at night (which for him would be women, because he's straight).
We hear David voice-overing, "Stephen ain't gay." He and Nathan are primping in the bathroom. Nathan says that Irene said Stephen left with two guys. David and Nathan use practically an entire bottle of hair gel between them. David, in particular, looks like he dipped his head in a vat of motor oil. Used. David asks if Stephen was with "the flamers." David's one to talk, with his dorky black turtleneck. David continues, "Before you know it, he'll be chilling with them all the time, getting stroked." Whatever, David. I see you don't mind hanging out with a gay guy, and even flirting with him, if it means free tickets or dinner, but you have no problem criticizing Stephen for making some friends. I can't believe I'm sticking up for Stephen. Then, we see a shot of Stephen playing darts for no particular reason. ["Because they're long and pointy and hence phallic? I don't know." -- Wing Chun]
David and Nathan walk down the street and arrive at Harry's apartment. Harry greets them and tells Nathan he looks great. Nathan, however, does not look great. He's wearing a sweater vest, for God's sack. Harry is no fashion maven, either. He's wearing a white v-neck pullover TUCKED INTO his jeans. Did I fall asleep and somehow wake up in 1982? ["I seem to recall Owen's noting that, at the time of this episode's airing, on another site." -- Wing Chun] Nathan is all impressed by Harry's "pad," including his six small televisions set up like a studio control room. Harry tells us which networks the televisions are tuned to. Maybe he should take that money he spent on the television sets and spend it on some artwork, because the walls of this apartment are completely bare. Harry is so creepy. If the cameras weren't there, I would totally expect him to sell David and Nathan into the white slave trade or something. He's kind of like the creepy cop in Go, where something is not quite right, but you can't put your finger on it. ["Yeah, except he's not fucking hot." -- Wing Chun] Maybe he'll try to sell them Amway later. Nathan can't stop talking about how "awesome" the apartment is, like keep it in your pants, Nathan. Harry doesn't want you anyway.
Now, the three young lovers are walking down the street and Harry says, "The cool thing about being Harry Hart is that I can go and play anytime." Why would he refer to himself in the third person? The cool thing about being Kim Reed is that I get to write recaps. See? It's weird, isn't it? David and Harry are speed-walking down the street and Nathan is like the little brother hurrying to keep up with them. He says that Harry is his idol right now. God, shut UP, Nathan. I'm embarrassed for him.
They arrive at "La Boca," a restaurant. Harry tries to be all suave and intimate that he knows "Luigi," who will "take care of them." God, he is creepy. Harry tells his lady friend, David, to choose the wine. Nathan is all hick, asking about the different kinds of wine, and not knowing what risotto is. David is all smooth operator, ordering something that's not even on the menu, but he can get it because his boyfriend Harry "knows Luigi." Nathan asks David what he should order, and David suggests "porcini," but Nathan looks in vain for something spelled "Pour See Knee" on the menu and can't find it. The three do a toast, and David says, "Cheers!" and Creepy Harry says, "To beginnings." Seriously, and the guy's sexuality has nothing to do with it, but wouldn't you expect to find like child porn on his computer's hard drive? And that he uses those seven television sets to monitor the pits he has dug in his basement, where it puts the lotion in the basket? Maybe it's just me. Anyway, they eat and then the bill arrives. David tries to pretend like he's even thinking about chipping in, but instead just fumbles around with the leather case without actually opening it until Harry finally notices what's going on. Nathan asks what "the damage" is, like what is he, my dad? Harry tells them to just each pitch in twenty dollars and he'll get the rest, because nothing's too good for his ladies.
The day after the big date (maybe), Janet and Irene walk into the house, and Janet screams because there's a bird inside the house. David voice-overs that they had a "feathered little home invasion." In case we couldn't see the bird that is flying around the room. Irene says that "nothing grotesques [sic]" her more than pigeons. In an interview, Stephen explains that they had the garage door by the hot tub open, and a bird got in. God, how desperate are they for a subplot that this is it, and they are stretching it out as much as possible? I do notice that there haven't been any Space Needle shots yet this week. Well, I'm not going to put much effort into recapping this subplot. The bird flies behind the rock-climbing wall. David climbs up to see what's going on, and they determine that the bird is stuck back there, because there's not enough room for it to spread its wings and fly out.
Hey, it's the Space Needle, and a long shot of it to boot. That's thirty-one appearances this season. I seriously think that it has more screen time than Irene so far, and I know it has more than Rebecca. Remember Rebecca? Blonde, kind of spacey? Yeah, we haven't seen her yet this week. Oh, you want to know what happens in this scene? Okay. In an interview, Stephen says that he was hanging out playing pool with Chris, one of the "rock stars from SuperDeluxe." He says that part in a British accent as we see footage of said hanging out. Also in attendance is David's fish market friend who will date Janet later this season, but we're not supposed to notice that, I think. In an interview, Stephen takes about ten minutes to say that he was talking about his ex-girlfriend and Chris told him that Aubbie says Stephen was gay (got that?). Chris apologizes for thinking that. In an interview, Stephen says that he doesn't know how Aubbie came to that conclusion (even though she's like the tenth person in this episode to do so) and that he wonders if he did something that she thought was stereotypically gay. Because he's not gay, y'all. He's straight! Straight as an arrow! And don't you forget it!
Stephen is on the phone with an unidentified person. He says he's getting "Cedric flashbacks", but the difference is that became friends with Cedric and THEN found out he was gay. BiDavid is "bi, but cool as hell," but Stephen doesn't know he wants to "make that association." I find it so offensive that anyone would make that statement, but especially Stephen, a Jewish African-American. I mean, what if someone didn't want to be associated with him due to his race or religion? Stephen goes on to worry that Aubbie is going to continue to "spread shit" with her "big, fat mouth" and that it will look bad if he stops being friend with BiDavid due to his sexual orientation. So, Stephen isn't worried about whether BiDavid's feelings would be hurt. Just what Stephen will look like. Nice.
It's the pigeon/rock-climbing wall subplot again. Irene and Janet are hanging out in the hot tub. Irene talks about how she's afraid of pigeons because she was attacked by one once. Janet laughs. Irene says that she thinks hell would be coming back to life as a pigeon, and imitates what a pigeon looks like. Janet laughs way more than is appropriate. And they're smoking a cigar. Hmm. Interesting.
Nathan answers the phone, and it's "Harry Hart," calling for David. Nathan tries to engage in small talk, but Harry is having none of it. David picks up the phone and Harry asks when they're going to get together. David mumbles something about working out together this week. In an interview, David says he met the guy two days ago and he's calling and saying, "I miss you!" and he's moving "faster than a Corvette." Maybe it was the blowjob David gave him in the gym locker room in return for paying for dinner. Oh, I'm just kidding. Maybe. Harry ends the conversation by pathetically saying that he'll just be "hanging out" tonight, if David wants to come over. Creepy.
Nathan asks what David's boyfriend said on the phone. David tries to brush it off, but then says that he's trying to be nice, but he's starting to feel like Harry thinks David's his "closet case." Starting? In an interview, David says that Harry thinks he is "contemplating riding the Greek saddle" and he's "sorely mistaken." David tells Nathan that Harry asked him to come over and watch a movie, and "that's what you say to your girlfriend." Well, yeah. Because you are his girlfriend, lov-ah! Janet says that the first time she met David, she thought he was gay. David pretends like it doesn't bother him at all, and says, "That's cool." ["I actually gave David credit for not letting it bother him for real; in fact, it's just about the only thing I ever gave him credit for this whole stupid season." -- Wing Chun] Janet doesn't get the hint, and says that it's the way David dresses, "in turtlenecks," and the way he walks sometimes. I told you the turtleneck was gay! David says he's offended. Nathan asks rhetorically how many other people that they have met have thought the same thing. In an interview, David says that if Janet thought he was gay, what about all the other people he has met? Um, they all think you're gay too, dude. I would take it as a compliment. ["Word. At least it might make you interesting. That goes double for you, Stephen!" -- Wing Chun] Nathan informs David that a lot of people say he's gay, but that he shouldn't worry about it, because he's not. Oh my God, did Nathan just say something intelligent? Mark it down on the scoreboard. David says he didn't think he came off like that. In an interview, David says that going to a gay club doesn't make him gay. No, but talking and talking and talking about how straight you are is a little circumspect. David asks Janet if he comes off as "campy" and says, "Hi, Janet" in, as the captioning puts it, an "effeminate manner."
David is on the phone with his friend Kelli from Boston. He says that the people in Seattle are nice, and one guy in particular is a little too nice because he thinks that David is his "closet case." Kelli says that a lot of girls in Boston had bets on this issue, and they came up to her and said, "You can tell us. Is Dave gay?" David goes silent for a minute and then yells, "Are you shitting me? This is fucking nuts, Kelli!" Kelli says she always told them that David has "serious hormones, so step off." Is that a denial? David says he's going to start wearing sweatpants and grow a moustache. Um, I think that would just make him look more gay, not less. Then he says he's going to start smoking Winstons and watching NASCAR. Okay, that was kind of funny. ["That always makes me laugh. I admit it." -- Wing Chun] David yells to one of his roommates, "Dude, everyone in America think I'm gay, everyone from coast to coast." The music says, "He's a magic piper of love." Subtle.
More pigeon high jinks. They call Wildlife Control, who come to their house to try to rescue the pigeon. David flirts with the girls to reassert his masculinity. Then, he uses some power tools to cut a hole in the wall, and the Wildlife Control lady gets the pigeon out. David sets it free.
In an interview, Stephen says he's going to talk to Aubbie. Have I mentioned that I hate Aubbie? I do. Anyway, Stephen goes into her office and starts babbling about how he's an open-minded person, and he lets his defenses down, and it gets him in trouble, and he didn't feel comfortable that his boss was taking advantage of that. Huh? So he normally feels he has to guard against accusations of homosexuality, but because he's open-minded, he let his defenses down? I mean, I have no problem with him setting things straight with Aubbie, since she is a blabbermouth, but he seems to be going about it all wrong, or for the wrong reasons. Aubbie apologizes. In an interview, Stephen asks how he is supposed to respect Aubbie when he knows that she's talking about him behind his back, and that every time she looks at him, she sees someone who is gay. Huh? He had me and then he lost me. He can't respect Aubbie because she thought he was gay? There are so many valid reasons not to respect her. Why did he pick that one? Aubbie says something really stupid but she's trying to say that she wasn't saying it in a derogatory way, and that she honestly thought he was gay. Stephen says he was the biggest homophobe at seventeen (was?), but then he met his best friend. Aubbie says that he must feel like he got burned. Stephen says that it was hurting him being seen as something he's not, and repeats that he's open-minded, but not gay. You got that, America? Stephen is NOT GAY! But he is open-minded. And straight.
Space Needle appearance number thirty-two. They are rare in this episode, though. They replace the Space Needle with the pigeon this week. David tells Nathan that he went by Harry's apartment and left a message on the door. Nathan asks what the message said. David gives about three different wordings, but essentially the message said, "You know why I haven't stopped by in a couple of days. I felt really uncomfortable, like I was being romanced." I'm so sure that's what it said. Whatever, tough guy. Nathan says that Harry never came on to him, because he knows that Nathan is "straight up heterosexual as they come." Or, because he doesn't have as nice of a body as David. David cracks me up for the one time this episode when he says, "You permeate with masculinity. You're a water buffalo." Hee! In an interview, David says that he tries to be "a sensitive man of the nineties" but it's not working.
We see a shot of the bathroom and hear Lindsay shout out, "Oh my God, Dave! You're huge!" What we don't see is the twenty bucks David gave her to say that. Irene and Lindsay walk out of the same bathroom stall, laughing. David comes out after them, with his pants unbuckled, yelling that "that's all you'll ev-ah get! Ev-ah!" In an interview, David says that "when they discovered the girth, they went insane, and wouldn't shut up about it." He forgets to mention the weekly stipend he paid them to keep talking about it. Janet asks Lindsay if it was "all that and more." Lindsay holds up her hands to indicate not the size of David's penis, but the size of the stack of money he gave her to pretend he was well-endowed. Lindsay earns her weekly bonus by saying, "Think about it. There are certain moments where it gets even bigger!" Irene says that David is proud and he has a right to be, but that's not quite enough to get into the bonus money like Lindsay. Rebecca makes her one appearance of the episode, walking through and saying that she's "glad she missed it." Lindsay, Irene and Janet are all crammed into a confessional, talking about David's penis some more. In an interview, David says that his "penis has definitely become the eighth roommate."
Stephen tells Janet that if he hangs out with BiDavid, people will think he's gay, and he's not. He's straight-up heterosexual. Yes, he is. He might have sex with Janet right now, in fact. You don't know what he'll do. He's so heterosexual, sometimes he just has to have sex with women. Stephen realizes that the reason he never brought Cedric to Berkeley is because he was embarrassed of what his "bros" would think. Stephen has decided that he "won't sacrifice [his] sanity" and he doesn't want to look back in twenty years and realize that he was fake. Oops, too late.
Stephen is out on the town with BiDavid, and a group of people, including a transvestite. Not the one from earlier. I don't think. Stephen tells the transvestite that he's not gay, but he is a fashion guru. But he's definitely not gay. How many times this episode has Stephen said that he's not gay? More than the Space Needle appeared, or Rebecca for that matter. Then comes the weirdest confessional ever. Stephen is crying, and his pupils are HUGE! He babbles about how he want to a rave (hmm) and it reminded him of times in San Diego, and he didn't want the night to end. Then he says something about "ambiguous," "things can't be predetermined," and "surprises are out there." So, he's either gay, or on drugs, or possibly both. Either way, it was freaky!