This week, we leave the sad storylines behind and focus on what this show is really all about -- drunken, immature sex. Everyone is rooting for Johanna and Leo to get it together, but she seems pretty uninterested in him. Except for when she acts like she's interested in him. The poor boy is, needless to say, a bit confused. Wes still harbors delusions that he has a chance with Johanna, and he decides that his best course of action is to make her jealous. Shockingly, he finds a girl with low enough standards that she comes back to the loft and has sex with him, while pretty much everybody else watches. Which is just nasty. Johanna is not the slightest bit jealous because, duh, she has absolutely no interest in Wes. But after another evening of watching Johanna lead Leo on, Wes confronts her, leading to a pretty ugly fight. Lacey, Rachel, Melinda, and Nehemiah? They're around, but do just about nothing. And there's no sign of Danny.
I can't believe they're still using that cheesy intro for this show. Hasn't everyone acknowledged by now that we only watch to see stupid people make drunken fools of themselves?
It's evening, and Johanna and Leo are strolling down an Austin street. He loses several points for wearing a fugly striped knit hat, but he gains some points for having shaved. Boy is definitely hotter than any of the guys in the house are. Jo voices-over that things are going slowly with Leo, and that she just wants to see where it goes. At one point, she's kind of leaning up against Leo as they walk. But then we're in a different shot, and as Leo tries to hold her hand, she squirms away as if...well, as if it were Wes trying to hold her hand. That's how squicked-out she seems. She voices-over that she "doesn't like holding people's hands who [she doesn't] know." Because this is apparently not the same Leo she allowed to do a body shot off of her, and with whom she made out. This new Leo is a total stranger. Leo tries again to hold her hand, and she tells him she really just wants to walk arm in arm. She interviews, "I just wanna have a good time. I don't wanna hold anyone's hand." Because holding hands is such a buzz-kill. At the door of the loft, Leo gives her a kiss on the cheek. She tells him she'll call, and thanks him for dinner.
Inside the loft, Jo inspects the fish tank and complains that one of the fish is dying. Rachel is actually preparing for their job (I know!) by using one of their cameras to tape Jo complaining about the dying fish. While The Real World crew films her. It's all very meta. Jo walks up behind Rachel and makes a fishy slurpy sound. Rachel tells her to be glad there's no mic on the camera, perhaps forgetting about all the other mics around them. Rachel presses Jo for a report on the date, and Jo tells her that "there's much more friend chemistry right now than 'I want to jump your bones' chemistry." Rachel analyzes the relationship thus: "So, there's potential, but right now it's practice." "Practice"? Is that really what she said? Whatever she said, it makes perfect sense to Jo, who agrees instantly. And then complains about Leo trying to hold her hand. Lacey has walked up by this point, and she wonders (along with the rest of us sane people) why Johanna was willing to make out with him but wouldn't hold his hand. Jo is quick to point out that she only made out with him while drunk, and Lacey is just as quick to call bullshit on that excuse. But Rachel agrees that holding hands is more intimate than making out in a bar: "I've kissed a lot more guys than I've ever held their hands."
There's a random shot of Nehemiah walking up to the fish tank, where there is another dying fish, shaking his fist at it, and mock-yelling "Nooooooooo."
Wes and Johanna are lying down on the big round couch ("the orgy bed," according to Wes). He asks her why she won't talk about Leo, and she tells him there's nothing to say. He accuses her of not being able to commit, even though there are tons of guys chasing after her. I think that if there's any time when it's logical not to commit, it's when you have tons of guys chasing after you. Jo claims that she doesn't commit because she doesn't want to get hurt. Wes periodically strokes her hair; there's not the tiniest sign of flirtation on Jo's part. A Wes voice-over tells us that Jo has some horrible trust issues. She admits to him that she doesn't try to trust guys because she thinks none of them is trustworthy.
It's a new day. Jo, with Lacey at her side, talks to Leo on the phone. He's called to invite her to dinner, but she begs off, claiming that they have to work. But then she invites him to meet them at the club where they will be filming a band. Lacey is a hoot, pretending to bite her nails in anticipation over whether Leo will accept the invitation. He's smitten, so of course he agrees to meet up with them. Lacey interviews that Leo is very considerate of Jo, and that Jo knows that "she's got him."
The entire group leaves for "work." Johanna, who appears to be carrying nothing, calls out, "Okay, the two boys carry the two big things, the girls carry the rest." Fuck that shit. Nothing they're carrying looks too heavy for any one of them to carry it.
The crew walks up to some building. Before they even know what the assignment is, they're calling out jobs they'll do. Lacey is going to direct. Hey, it's Zach Braff! Oh, wait, I'm sorry -- that's Jenn, their equipment instructor. Jo is totally proud that they have a tripod, but of course they don't actually know how to use it. Jenn tells them that they have to film a band in a two-camera shoot.
The band plays; the kids shoot footage of it. Leo is in the club. Jo, who's holding a boom mike, sees him, and gives him this self-disparaging smile that says, "Oh, look at silly me. I'm pretending that I can do something useful." He gives her a nice smile in return. He is definitely hot. The band continues to play. I think that might be Michael Moore on drums. As soon as the band finishes playing, Jo (still holding the boom) walks up to Leo and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Wes interviews that he "loves Leo to death" because Leo knows how to treat Jo. But there's another part of Wes "that sits back and says, 'Man, he's doing more with her than [Wes is].'" Well yes, Wes, that's because Johanna is actually attracted to Leo. But Wes is jealous.
Rachel, Johanna, and Lacey decide that they want to go out, so they stick Melinda and the boys with the job of carrying all the equipment back to the loft. Someone should tell these people about a little invention called the taxi. In his only mention of the week, Wes tells us how much he misses Danny when it's time to carry heavy equipment.
Hey, it's the Product Placement Café. Rachel, Lacey, Jo, and Leo are sitting at a table sipping iced tea. It's like they're at the fucking malt shop. Rachel interviews that she would really like Jo and Leo to get together, but that she thinks that Jo isn't interested because Leo is making things too easy for her.
Back at the loft, Johanna and Leo sit on the couch together. Well, not really together. They're sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, about six feet from each other. But Leo's got his arm stretched as far down the back of the sofa as it will reach, and he's giving her some very inviting body language. Rachel and Wes walk up, and Rachel tells the lovebirds that it's late, and that she's going to bed. Wes looks on in silent rage, and walks off without saying a word.
In another room, Lacey is spying on Johanna and Leo via closed-circuit television. She's got Ryan on the phone, and she says (in her best nasal voice), "What the craaap?" He wants to know what's going on, and she tells him that Jo and Leo are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, "and she's playing with her hair." Which she is, and which is a totally hostile sign. Lacey lets out a loud "awwww" as Leo makes a move to scoot down the couch to get closer to Jo. But she just keeps playing with her hair, and the power of her invisible force shield slowly pushes Leo back to the other end of the couch. She won't even make eye contact with him. His lips look really kissable. Commercials.
Random people engage in sporting activity in the Austin sun. Our heroes lie around inside the loft. I think that was actually clever editing.
Wes tells Lacey that every woman in the loft is playing a game, except for her. Yeah, Melinda is really fucking with Danny's head. And let's not get started on Rachel. Wes is such a tool. Wes interviews that Johanna is dating Leo just to play a game with Wes. He tells Lacey that all he needs to win a game with Johanna is patience: "I got five bucks says if I want, I can make out with her in three weeks." That is the most chickenshit bet I ever heard. First of all, five bucks? Why not bet something real -- like if you lose, you have to run around the loft naked? Oh, wait, that might not be a problem for Wes. And three weeks? Why not just bet that you'll be able to kiss her by the time you both turn thirty. And "if I want to" is such a weaselly way to put it. Lacey, voice of sanity, interviews that Jo has absolutely no interest in Wes. Lacey tells Wes that she'll start the timer running on the bet the day. And then Wes tells her that when Jo kisses him, he'll kiss her and then reject her with a cutting quip: "This is what you coulda had." How will she ever go on after that? Lacey asks him, "Did you pre-plan this?" When he says yes, she looks at him and says, "That’s funny." Lacey gives me hope for the future of humanity. Wes interviews that his plan is to make Jo as jealous as possible.
Night. Wes walks down the street, holding hands with a fairly attractive woman who is identified as "Megan, Wes's new friend." Except that the chyron screws up the possessive. Wes is acting as though the bouncer they pass is his best pal. Megan promises to make Wes like Austin. Wes interviews, "Megan is some girl who, for some reason, finds me attractive." See, even Wes knows that it's incomprehensible that a cute girl would be into him. Of course, the "some reason" is undoubtedly the camera crew that's following him around.
Wes and Megan bump and grind in a bar. His hands are all over her ass. And there's some tonsil hockey going on. They leave the bar, and she tells him that he "needs to be spanked." Wes then says something about Megan wanting to hold some body part of his, but it's way too tooly for me to transcribe it.
Wes gives Megan a tour of the loft. He's slurring pretty bad, so I'm figuring there was a bunch of drinking going on. He shows her the bathroom (making out with her in the toilet stall -- classy), the round couch (which he calls the orgy bed, and on which they make out some more), and finally, his bedroom. And this is when I realized that the bedrooms have no doors. He pulls the curtain closed, but it isn't even wide enough to block the door. But that doesn't stop them from hopping onto his bed and getting bizzay.
Megan is, like, the spokesmodel for Girls with Low Self-Esteem, but I can't really condemn her for what she's about to do. Her goal was obviously to get on television, and she has achieved exactly that. Whereas Wes's goal in all of this was to make Johanna jealous, and that's just not going to happen.
In any case, as Wes and Megan are going at it, Lacey walks by the bedroom (on the way to her own room), and she interviews that as she passed she saw "some nasty bunny sex." Johanna is in their room, and she laughs and laughs as Lacey describes (and acts out) Wes's conquest of Megan. Wes, with his pants halfway off his ass, has the presence of mind to pull a comforter over the two of them. In their room, Lacey expresses bewilderment at the idea that two complete strangers would have sex. There are some moaning sounds in the background as the two of them speak.
Nehemia stands in the doorway watching Wes go at it for a long time, calling Wes "my boy" as he walks away. Jo and Lacey both sneak more looks. Jo makes a retching sound as she walks away. In one shot, it looks as though Wes is trying to turn Megan into an up-the-butt girl.
In the girls' room, Lacey asks Jo and Nehemiah whether they think Wes used a condom. Nehemiah hopes he did; Lacey hopes that he did, because Megan is "gross." Which she's not. She's easy, but she didn't look gross. Lacey is confused by why Wes would get with such a gross girl. Nehemiah looks at her and says, "Wes is not attractive." And that is The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. They all laugh. Nehemiah tells Lacey that Megan was cute, "for Wes."
Aaaaugh! Sorry, it's Wes's pixellated ass, walking through the loft. He is carrying the used condom to the bathroom. Naked. As he leaves one of the stalls (presumably having flushed the nasty rubber), Melinda, Rachel, and Jo are all in the bathroom. They laugh, and Rachel does the cooties dance. Jo hands Wes a pink rose, "for the first time getting laid." He has grabbed a towel to cover up his shame, and he tucks the rose into it. Johanna gives an interview in which she seems genuinely pleased that Wes was able to achieve his goal of finally getting laid. Wes tries to joke around with the girls, but they keep laughing at him and doing the cooties dance.
Back in Wes's room, Megan is having trouble finding her shirt. Since she didn't start taking off her clothes until they got into the room, I'm not sure where the hell it could have gotten to. The girls overhear this, and they can't stop laughing. Wes (wearing boxer shorts) and Megan (wearing Wes's t-shirt), emerge from the bedroom. Wes asks the girls, "If you were a black shirt, where would you be?" Rachel: "It would be on me." Heh.
Melinda interviews about the irony of Wes taking so long to get laid, in light of his constant bragging about all the hot girls who allegedly throw themselves at him. Cut to Wes, still wearing only his boxer shorts, saying goodbye to Megan on the porch in front of the loft. As they're kissing, the door to the loft closes, locking Wes out. He starts to bang on the door (apparently having left his keys in his other pair of boxer shorts), while Rachel and Jo watch him on the security monitor. Jo opens the door while Rachel grabs a pic with her camera. And I'm ashamed to say that in the picture, Wes has a pretty decent body. I know, I've lost your respect (assuming I ever had it), but it had to be said.
Megan walks away from the loft, already making a call on her cell phone. She clearly got what she wanted.
Wes (still only wearing boxers) enters the loft, where the girls are all waiting for him on the round couch. One of them asks him if he wore a condom (which I think they all saw him carrying through the loft). He interviews that he worries about the "consequences of bringing random girls back, but I'm always very, very careful as to use any sort of protection necessary." Wes, I'd say your best protection is your fugly face, as it protects you from having sex with that many girls in the first place. Someone asks Wes why Megan left so quickly, and he tells them that she left because as soon as they were finished, he asked her, "Do you want me to call you a taxi?" I think someone should tell Wes that if he's nice to a woman, she might have sex with him more than once. The girls are scandalized, but not so scandalized that they don't start doing their impressions of Wes and Megan's nasty bunny sex. Commercials.
Wes (still in the boxers) is on the phone with his friend Jeff, telling him the Wes-centric version of the events with Megan. In this version, Megan is "the hottest girl in the bar," and after a few minutes in Wes's bed, "she was naked and screaming." I'd be screaming too, if I found myself naked in Wes's bed. Jeff laughs and laughs -- everybody in Wes's life knows that he's a tool. But Wes tells Jeff (and us) that he still thinks he has a chance with Jo: "There's a lotta time left, and I'm really smooth." Wes gives Jeff the line about Jo playing games with him. I think she's playing that game of hide-and-seek where you send the obnoxious kid to hide and then don't bother looking for him.
Wes (finally wearing pants) and his pale, pale chest lie in bed to Jo. He asks her if she thinks that what he did was wrong. She obviously could not care less. He worries that she might disrespect him because of what he did. I think that implies that she ever respected him in the first place. She thinks having sex is fine, but that makes him wonder why she hasn't had sex with Leo (a question I've been asking myself). She interviews that she's waiting for the right person, and Wes asks her, "So, you saving yourself for me?" She laughs and tells him to go to bed. He shakes his finger in her face, and she tells him to put that nasty digit away: "God knows where it's been tonight."
We skip the entire day, and now it's a girls' night out. Jo, Rachel, and Melinda are eating dinner out. Jo's worried that when they go out drinking that night, she'll have to face Leo and deal with the fact that she hasn't been returning his calls. She tells the girls that she's certain Leo is not the right guy for her.
Cut to the gang out at the Dizzy Rooster. Johanna is sitting on the bar, leaning up against Leo (who has his arm around her waist) and whispering in his ear. She's giggling and nuzzling him. Melinda interviews that she has no idea what the hell Jo is doing with Leo. Wes interviews that he wishes Jo felt about him the way she feels about Leo, but without the whole leading-him-on thing she's got going on with Leo. We see Jo tell Leo that she has to leave with her roommates. The girls leave. Wes interviews that Leo pulls him aside to complain about the way Johanna is leading him on. We don't actually see who initiated the conversation, however. Wes interviews that, as Leo was complaining about Jo leading him on, Wes himself was thinking that he felt the same way about Jo. Except, I guess, for the way that she has been completely clear that she has no interest in him.
On the walk home, Johanna tells the girls she thinks Leo hates her. He probably should. Melinda thinks Jo shouldn't worry about Leo's feelings if she really doesn't like him. I agree with that in principle, but I also think she should just make a clean break with him if she knows she's not interested.
Back at the loft, Melinda tells Wes that Jo has made it clear (to everyone except Leo) that she just doesn't like Leo. I just noticed that Melinda has that thing going on in her hair where it's all pulled back, but the front is piled up in a skinny bump. I blame Paris Hilton for that look. Wes tells Melinda that Jo plays games with Leo (true) and that she also plays games with Wes himself (false). Jo overhears this from the other end of the room, and starts yelling at Wes, asking him what the hell he's talking about. Wes accuses her of leading "the kid" (by which he means Leo) on and playing games with him. He can't just tell her that he saw this with his own eyes (because we all saw it) -- he has to tell her that Leo complained to him. Which is just a dick move. Even if Leo didn't ask Wes to keep the conversation confidential, it's tacky to tell the other party about it. Johanna doesn't believe Leo actually said that she was leading him on, and she threatens to call Leo to find out. She walks away (toward the phone, I think), and whatever Wes says to her, she just responds, "Okay, I'll call him right now." He eventually yells after her, "Quit being a bitch." Jo wants Wes to call Leo with her, but he just stands where he is, in the kitchen. In an interview, Johanna complains that Wes pulled Leo aside to tell him that she was playing games with her. It sure would have been nice if the editors had bothered to show us what actually happened there.
In the phone room, Johanna has the phone in her hand as though she's about to make a call. Wes is there trying to speak with her, and she asks him what he wants. He says that he wants to talk to her. She hangs up the phone and harangues him about sticking his nose into her relationship with Leo and acting like an asshole. Wes interviews, "I understand that this argument is not gonna go anywhere, but I've never swallowed anything in my life, I'm not about to swallow this argument." Oh Wes, when I think of all the things you're going to have to swallow in your life, this argument is the least of it.
Wes apparently thinks he's Tom Cruise. I mean, young Risky Business Tom Cruise, not contemporary delusional Tom Cruise. He's wearing his sunglasses, and he walks into Jo's room and lies down on her bed. She's completely curled up in her comforter, and when he asks if they can speak, she tells him, "I don't want to talk to you." She says she doesn't plan on speaking to him for the couple of weeks. Which will really put a crimp on that bet Wes made with Lacey. He accuses her of playing a game by specifying a time limit for when she will speak with him. Isn't it a cult thing where they repeat the same things over and over again even though all evidence points to those things being false? Maybe Wes really does have something in common with Tom Cruise. Wes accuses Jo of being immature, and then flips her off as he walks out of the room. I think that sentence might implode from an overload of irony.