So, Aaron, still reeling from the horror of being exposed as a male model, plots his revenge! Mwaahhahahahahahaha! Sort of. Actually, he, Glen, and Jon are plotting to play a little practical joke on Dom, consisting basically of making Dom think his car has been towed, when, in reality, it's just been moved. I know djb thinks Boston is boring, but my GOD. If I wanted to watch a bunch of twenty-year-old boys play pool and plan pranks, I'd move into the upstairs room at Q's Billiards and eavesdrop during Pint Nite.
Anyway, the crux of the plan is that Aaron will distract Dom, steal his keys, and pawn them off to Jon, who will do the moving of the car. Glen's role? Stand around and look vacant. Can he pull it off? Wait and see!
But see, Dom doesn't put his keys down on the kitchen table when he comes in, as Aaron had hoped. He holds onto them! HORRORS! Numerous, interminable shots of Dom playing with his keys as Aaron desperately makes small talk. You know he's running of out subjects when he offers his opinion on Glen: "He's hilarious." Dom: "Glen?!" I love you, Dom.
Anyway, Dom finally abandons the keys when he goes upstairs to get ready for a date. Jon snags them and runs outside. Aaron explains that, "to make it worse," they told Dom that a truck was blocking someone downstairs on the street, and asked him if they ought to have it towed, and Dom said yes! A shot of Glen, with his date, in the pool room, saying "tow his ass!" Oh, the humanity. Glen, on the stairs, is desperate for a piece of this high-larious prankster action. "I'm going to get the license plate," he explains, extremely seriously. Dom rolls his eyes.
Aaron clues Dom's date, Sunny, into the plan, and asks her to keep him upstairs while they move the car. Sunny smirks.
The car moved, the boys gather on the roof to watch their prank unfold. Aaron is, like, beside himself with glee. "I love this!" he squeals, and runs his hands through his hair. "I love it!" Glen is hiding behind a bush to watch the shenanigans, which seems a bit much, since they are already on the roof, three stories up, and behind a fence. But, whatever. Who am I to complain about Glen obscuring his face from my sight?
In the street, Dom is, naturally, wondering where his car is. Sunny is extremely poker-faced. Props, Sunny.
On the roof, the boys chortle. Later, they'll celebrate by giving each other atomic wedgies and noogies, and then maybe they'll TP old Mrs. Gunderson's house!
"You're SCREWED," Sunny tells Dom, downstairs. Dom looks perturbed, and says he's going to check the alley.
When Dom and Sunny head to the alley, Glen, Jon, and Aaron race down to the pool room. "Dude, don't make me laugh, dude. Just act normal!" Aaron dictates, picking up a cue.
Enter Dom and Sunny. Dom wants to know who called the tow truck. "Jon," Aaron says, way too solemnly, as if Dom had asked him which of their roommates had died in a tragic bull-riding catastrophe. Dom moans that his "fucking car isn't there." Aaron bursts into laughter, but stifles it, and asks Jon which towing company he called. Jon says he just had the operator connect him to a tow-truck service in Santa Monica. Dom calls Information, and asks for "any" tow truck company, but there are, like, a billion of them. The operator gives him some random one. Dom asks Jon if maybe he gave the operator their address, and she gave him the towing company nearest the house? Jon replies in the negative and asks Dom to tell him the number he just got, on the off-chance that he'll recognize it. Dom reels off the number. "No, mine had zeros in it," Jon says calmly. Aaron starts to laugh, again. Who would have thought that Jon would have the best poker face here? He and Sunny are like machines, yo.
Aaron asks Dom if he's sure he parked on the street. Dom is sure. He rails on himself for telling them to tow the other car. Jon admits that makes him feel better, that Dom made the decision to call the tow-truck company. Dom gets angry, and tells Jon not to joke. Jon's very sure that he's not joking.
In an interview, Aaron says, "Dom freaked out," and got all crazy mad at Jon.
In the house, Dom trudges to the phone niche to call all the towing companies in town. Jon tags along and wonders plaintively whether Dom is mad at him. Dom tells Jon that he's "missing every once of humor" in this situation. Aaron lopes up the stairs, and gets between Dom and Jon, as Jon hollers that "it was an April Fool's joke!" Jon and Aaron totally crack up. Sunny squeaks in the background. Aaron sticks his ass right in the camera. Not on purpose, but for a long minute, the entire shot is of Aaron's blue-jeaned butt, as he leans over and laughs and laughs and laughs. "I told you I'd get you back!" Aaron crows, as Dom sticks his head in his hands. "Sunny, let's go," he says, as everyone chortles. In an interview, Dom says he felt "this small," indicating a very tiny teeny thing. Frankly, if anyone deserves to be "gotten back," it's Beth. On the other hand, I haven't seen Beth at all this episode, and I totally should be grateful for small favors.
Shit, there she is. Talking about the new roommate. Saying, "We kinda knew she was coming." Great, whatever, shut up, go back to practicing your round-off back handsprings.
Tami chortles that she thought the new roommate was going to be black. Jon opines that she will be "gorgeous." Aaron thinks she's going to be hot, hot, hot. Glen says she's going to be "an April Playmate." Beth bats her eyelashes and wonders if the new roommate will be "a supermodel." So many mean jokes about what Beth could learn from a supermodel roommate just popped into my head, and I can't pick one. Fill in the blanks yourself. I know I've trained you well.
The new roommate is, of course, "Susan" Beth Anthony. Or, Beth A., a moniker which seems appropriate, given that these housemates have the collective maturity of a bunch of fourth-graders. Jon greets her and does the intros, and helps her move stuff in.
Beth A. tells Beth S. that she's from Oregon and "does craft services." Beth S. does craft services too! How funny! How untrue, since Beth S. has already established that she works for a casting agent.
Two seconds into the Reign of Beth A., and I can't take this Beth A./Beth S. crapola. Beth S. is staying Beth, and I'm going to call Beth Anthony "Banthony." Get it? Like, B. Anthony? Banthony? Whatever. I'm doing it, so shut up.
God, I seriously wonder if I can go on with this recap. I mean it. How does Kim recap so many, many episodes of The Real World without gouging out her corneas with a grapefruit spoon? Like, I can't take it anymore. I hate these people. I hate them. I hate their banal lives. Dude. DUDE. I can't even drink to numb the pain, because I used that conceit in the last recap and in this week's recap of The X-Files. Maybe this would be better if I smoked some pot, although I would never do that, because it is illegal. I'm seriously considering switching over to Lifetime right now. They're showing Abduction of Innocence: A Moment of Truth Movie. How good does that sound? I bet it stars Bonnie Bedelia and Kellie Martin. Wouldn't you rather read a recap of that? Please? Come on! Abduction of Innocence! How good does that sound? Please? Hello? Anyone?
Fine. Banthony moves all her shit in, putting her clothes in the closets, and her food under the counter. (Dude, it's not Bonnie Bedelia and Kellie Martin, it's that blonde girl who played the trampy sister of David Silver's dorky friend Scott on . Remember that? Anyway, she got kidnapped by a total Hey! It's That Guy! who I think was on Melrose Place. I wish this was the movie where Tori Spelling has to live in the cabin in the woods with Jill from Jack and Jill, the brilliantly titled Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? That's a good one.) Banthony makes cheerful conversation as she cleans out her section of the kitchen. There is a huge box of Asahi beer in her cupboard, which she hauls out, and gleefully announces that she's in AA, and this has to be out of her space. Jon says that he doesn't drink either, because he's only eighteen. Glen repossesses the beer with a shit-eating grin.
In an interview, Banthony says that she likes Jon a lot, because he's not judgmental. Gotcha. Got it. Got. IT.
So, Dom calls, and Jon tells her that their new roommate has moved in, and she's wearing a cowboy hat, and the first thing she said was "yee-ha!" Dom finds this hard to believe, so Jon hands the phone to Banthony, who plays along for a little bit, until poor Dom, who hasn't gotten the straight story about anything from anyone in this episode, totally cracks up and asks if she's serious, at which point she admits that she's not a country singer, and that she's from Oregon. Dom, on the other end of the phone, is muy relieved.
Dude, it's an all-day-long Lifetime Movie Marathon! It's hosted by Tracey Gold! I totally dig Tracey Gold's new haircut! Mommy, please don't make me go back to Real World. We haven't even gotten to the first commercial break yet. ["Be strong, my child." -- Wing Chun]
In an interview, Beth says that Banthony "doesn't try to act like someone she's not," and that "it's very refreshing." Especially compared to your poseur shenanigans, Beth. Wow, it's like Beth is Jessica Wakefield -- conceited, manipulative, coy, underhanded -- and Banthony is like ELIZABETH Wakefield -- honest, forthright, responsible, a little sanctimonious and slightly priggish. Dude. I think that realization just blew my mind. Because, see, they have the same name, providing an easy parallel to the Wakefield sisters, who were identical twins. Man. That's fucking deep. My science is so tight. And how cool would it have been if Elizabeth Wakefield turned out to be a lesbian? Sweet Valley High 194: Lesbian Chic, in which Enid and Elizabeth run off with one another and open a B & B in Mendicino.
All the roommates are socializing with Banthony in the living room. Tami shuffles in the door with a ton of bags, and is informed that Banthony is their new roommate. "Oh. Hello," Tami says, tersely, then turns around and stomps upstairs. God bless Tami. She's a pain in the ass, and God knows, I'd rather live on the streets and whore myself for milk money than room with her, but at least she's vaguely entertaining.
In an interview, Banthony says that it's clear Tami has some issues. Ya think?
In the kitchen, Tami tells Banthony that she can't keep her shit on the counter in the bathroom, because she can't stand a cluttered powder room, and her word is law in that house. Beth gives Tami the total stank-eye behind her back, but you know she'd never have the balls to do it to Tami's face. Because Tami would eat her alive and screaming. Banthony acquiesces to Tami's super anal-retentive requests, with a saintly smile. Aaron snickers and tells Banthony not to wake Tami after midnight, if she values her life and limb, anyway. Banthony looks slightly askance. Beth looks disgusted. I do my nails.
Over on Lifetime Scott's trampy sister has been rescued from the kidnappers by a sassy female FBI agent! Go sassy FBI agent, go!
In an interview, Banthony says, again, that Tami "has a lot of issues that make her react harshly." We are all aware that Tami has issues, thank you, Dr. Frasier Banthony.
Tami claims that she's not moody, like everyone assumes, but simply that her life isn't focused on making other people happy; it's focused on making herself happy. Ain't Tami happy, ain't nobody happy. And so forth, and so on, forever and ever, amen.
More psychobabble from Banthony about the fact that Tami won't "open up" to others. Why is this suddenly so newsworthy? We GET IT. Want to talk issues? Wait until she wires her mouth shut.
Banthony tells Jon that she did crazy shit when she was younger, that she was always getting into trouble and drinking too much. Jon wonders why she stopped boozing it up. Banthony explains that she was drinking to "numb out" and she "had no faith for life [sic]," and it freaked her out, and she quit. Jon nods. Banthony tells Jon that she has issues with anger, and issues with success, and that's she's still got a lot to work on. Banthony is such a twelve-stepper. Which is fine, more power to her, but, dude, listening to people yammering on about their issues twenty hours a day is bor-ring!
Beth works as a PA on a movie called Phantasm III, which I'm sure is a stellar piece of filmmaking. She voice-overs that she doesn't think it's demeaning to do all the menial labor associated with her position, and that she sees it as a vital part of making movies. What she doesn't mention, of course, is that working on a project called Phantasm III, in any capacity, is by definition, demeaning. No offense to any Phantasm III vets out there. I understand that you have to pay the rent. But when you're working on Phantasm III, there's going to come a moment when you just feel like a dirty, dirty hack. You're not alone. I felt like a dirty dirty hack just last week, when, for my day job, I had to write copy advertising a water bottle that "could make any tee shirt a wet tee shirt!" I was reprimanded when I worked the phrase "it's probably the only way you'll ever get to see any breasts, you Neanderthal" into the copy. Whatever. Where was I? Banthony: she likes her job. Good for her.
Beth and Banthony bond in their room; Banthony tells Beth that she almost got married, a few years ago, that she was madly in love with this man who went to Japan and never came back, and broke her heart. Poor Banthony.
Banthony voice-overs that she "really likes Beth," because Beth is "enthusiastic and fun." And with that, Banthony has lost all credibility in my book. Of course, it could be that, like Elizabeth Wakefield, Banthony can love Beth despite the fact that they're polar opposites, and Beth is as pleasant as a plague of locusts, because she, Banthony, is a Good Person. The two of them like to work out together. Or, Beth likes to work out; Banthony likes to keep her company. That's nice of Banthony. I suspect, within two weeks, she's going to want to squeeze Beth's skull like a melon.
Glen voice-overs that he likes Banthony because she reminds him of some of his peeps in Philly. He moans in a interview that he misses his homies from P-Town, and that it's hard to deal with being so homesick. But, he says, his band is coming out to stay with him. And soon. I can't wait. No, really. I can't.
Good thing, too, because they appear in the scene. Glen does a boring voice-over about his horrible, ear-splitting bad band, Perch, which I will spare you. His bandmates look so grunge, it totally reminds me of my senior year in high school, what with all the plaid, and the long stringy hair, and the totally affected downtrodden expression. Damn, I'm glad grunge is dead.
In the pool room, Banthony tells Glen that his bandmates are "so nice." She stands up straight, and I see that her shirt says, "I'm Not Gay, But My Girlfriend Is." One of my guy friends in college used to wear that shirt, which I thought was kind of funny. Ah, Jason. He later got really into lifting weights and we lost touch, because I'm a couch potato, and, go figure, I didn't feel like spotting him every damn day. So sad, too bad. Anyway, at the sight of Banthony's shirt, Jon kind of moans and asks what, exactly, she means by wearing it. Although he asks her mostly by tittering nervously and sighing her name. Banthony says that the shirt is a JOKE, because, you see, she really is a lesbian. "Oh, you are? Okay," says Tami, nonchalantly. Glen comments on how casually Banthony came out to them. Jon just giggles.
In the confessional, Tami admits that she felt uneasy with Banthony's homosexuality, and she doesn't know why.
Back at the pool room, Tami asks Banthony whether she can pick her brain about her lesbianism. Because she's, as she puts it "very nosy." Banthony says that she was "raised around gay people" and it's all "very normal to [her]." Jon admits that Banthony is "the first gay person" he's ever met, and then corrects himself, commenting that she's the first out gay person he's ever met. He says that meeting people like her -- and Tami, and Glen -- was why he wanted to come on The Real World. Banthony leans over to line up a shot and explains that being gay is just like "any other lifestyle. You fall in love, buy a house together, do IRAs, you know. It's monogamous for me." She voice-overs that she's had great male lovers, but it's not "the same" for her as being with a woman. At all. Tami gets into interrogation mode, and, sounding like Sam Waterson at the end of a particularly hoary episode of Law and Order ["which is funny because that's exactly what I'm watching right now as I edit this -- one of the hoariest, in fact!" -- Wing Chun], asks Banthony whether it is fair to assume that the majority of people who will be coming over to the house will, in fact, be gay. Banthony says that her friends are very diverse. She playfully offers to "tag them" when they come in, if that will make Tami "feel better." Tami rejects this offer.
...and we go to commercial. I have to wonder why Banthony's sexuality bugs Tami, seeing as she works with gays and lesbians every day at the clinic. On the other hand, at least Tami feels little weird about the very fact that she feels weird. I mean, that's a good first step. Right?
Over on Lifetime, it turns out that Scott's trampy sister arranged her own kidnapping! Boy, are her parents pissed.
Banthony and Jon take a jaunt down the Venice boardwalk. Jon idly wonders whether he ought to get his ear pierced. Banthony laughs in his face. That scene had no point, other than to point out that The Lesbian and The Hick are getting along famously, and that Banthony is getting Jon out of his Kool-Aid-addled haze. Jon voice-overs that he sees Banthony as Banthony and not as a Lesbian.
Glen yammers about the band, and how they've got to get to work, or they're going to waste all their studio time. Should they write the music first, or the words? Music? Or words? Whatever. Glen explains that a friend of a friend sent their demo to this guy, Hilton Rosenthal, a producer, who's going to let them record four tracks in the studio and "then see what [they] can do with it." Like, I'm so sure Hilton would have even gotten the demo tape if Glen hadn't been on MTV every week. I saw Coyote Ugly, y'all. Breaking into the music industry is hard work. Lucky for Perch, they can ride the combined coattails of Bunim-Murray and grunge into total obscurity.
In the studio, Glen and the boys are meeting with Hilton, who looks like he wants to kill each of them in a painful and torturous manner. Glen expresses, in a monotone, the great thrill he's experiencing from working with Hilton. Yawn.
Banthony and Glen go to a dance club, which Glen says reminds him of raves he used to attend in Philadelphia, which only goes to show you how very very outdated last week's Dawson's Creek truly was. Glen says that the club was a gay/straight mix, not that there's anything wrong with that, you know, of course, naturally, and that he doesn't have a problem with Banthony being a lesbian, and that if someone else does, "it's a shame." And this is the only time I have ever agreed with Glen.
In the pool room, Tami asks Dom if he "has a problem" with Banthony's homosexuality. Dom quite literally could not care less. Tami wonders if Dom would feel differently if he was living with a gay GUY. Dom says he doesn't think so, and wonders if Banthony's lesbianism bothers Tami. Tami says that she works with gays and lesbians every day, but it's "never been so close to home; this person is IN MY ROOM." She admits that he makes her feel a little weird. Dom says that he truly doesn't think it would bother him to room with a gay man -- that, at least, he hopes not. Tami asks Jon how he feels. Jon says that he made friends with Beth before he knew anything about her sexual preferences, and her sexuality didn't change his opinion of her. He opines that it will be good for him to learn more about sexual preferences. Tami says that she's having a hard time, and that she doesn't want not to talk to Banthony, because it'll seem like discrimination, but she just feels, you know, sort of funny about the whole thing. "Am I bigoted?" she asks Dom, with a real concern in her voice. Dom doesn't say anything. Tami looks pained. I yawn.
on The Real World, Teri Polo, in a Princess Diana hair-do, gets raped by the privileged son of her mother's illicit lover, and no one believes her. Oh, wait, that's "Danielle Steel's Full Circle" on Lifetime. I think Dom goes to Ireland . But I'm not sure; I'm still worried about Teri. Will her relationship with the woodsy pre-Homicide Reed Diamond help her get over her sexual hang-ups and learn to love again? Will it? What about after he gets paralyzed in a robbery gone bust, and she hooks up with his Dad? Stay tuned!