Seagulls fly. A man rows a boat. The water. Pier 70. Lindsay stands in the doorway and says goodbye to everyone, because she's going tanning. After she's already out the door, Stephen promises to "massage [her] when she gets back." Irene asks Stephen whether he gives massages. In an interview, Stephen says that Irene "lives her entire life like a comic strip." I'm not sure what that even means. Suddenly, Janet is there too, and Irene says that she will marry Stephen if he cooks, because she wants a husband who cooks and cleans. So do we all, Irene. So do we all. Stephen says that he does cook, and Irene says that she'll have to marry him, and that he can have "affairs on the side." With men? Whoops, did I say that out loud? Irene says that she just wants her "dinner and clean sheets." Stephen tells Irene that she wants "a bitch," not a husband. Yeah, you can pay people to do that, Irene. Well, you can pay people to do just about anything, if you have a high enough bank balance and low enough standards. But you know what I mean. She'd be better off marrying someone for love and then hiring a maid. That's what I'm saying. In an interview, Stephen says that he and Irene "have connected [their] cosmic energy in the last couple of weeks." Yeah, that'll last.
I guess I should point out here that this is the "Irene is crazy" episode. And while I'm not trying to say that Irene was in perfect mental health, I don't think she was as crazy as the editors would like you to believe. So I'm going to point out what I think are significant edits and misrepresentations, because I know that I didn't see most of them when I first watched this season. And it's bad. Of all the seasons that I have recapped, the editing in this episode is the most ridiculous.
At the radio station, Rebecca and Stephen greet Kelsey, the REI chick who took them to Nepal. Stephen voice-overs that he "left [his] heart in Nepal." Along with his tact, because he was all yelling at Janet about wearing makeup while they had dinner at some locals' house. Stephen can't wait to "cut the REI spots." The what? Oh yeah. That was ostensibly the reason they went there in the first place -- so that they could make commercials for REI. Stephen asks Rebecca whether she brought the tapes. Kelsey asks him if he's kidding. Stephen isn't. He assures her that the tapes are in their house somewhere. Stephen hurries back to the house and looks in the boys' incredibly messy room for the tapes. Nathan wanders through -- scratching his head and looking more like a hick than he has this whole season, and that's saying something. Stephen asks whether he's seen the tapes, and Nathan hasn't. Stephen finally finds the tapes, which were "right to the nudie book." Nathan really could not care less. The tapes are all in a plastic bag. Why wouldn't they keep these irreplaceable tapes at the radio station? I don't know.
Stephen goes back to the car; Kelsey is driving. He explains that he was trying to figure out where he would put them so that they would be safe. The radio station? Just a thought. Stephen jokes that he knew he wanted to put them somewhere that "the girls wouldn't get to them and lose them." Yeah, because you did such a stellar job keeping track of them, dude. Rebecca and Kelsey laugh.
Back at the radio station, Stephen, Rebecca, and Kelsey discuss how they want to make the commercials. Kelsey explains that they are going to go with a "diary" format, like "Day Two on our adventure in Nepal."
Irene, looking a little fuzzy about the head, is trying to explain to Lindsay and Janet why she doesn't want to write down everything she plans to say on their radio show. Irene says that Janet and Lindsay can sound natural reading what they've already written down (which is so not true) and that they are "preparing preparers." Hee! Lindsay looks pissed. Irene says that she doesn't work that way. In an interview, Irene says, "It's not funny telling a joke thirty thousand times over." Irene explains that she thinks they should each prepare in the way they are most comfortable, which makes sense to me. In an interview, Irene says that she knows she was "saying some funny things," but "they were not listening." Also, I don't think Janet has much of a sense of humor. Lindsay likes the dick and fart jokes, probably, and Janet only laughs if Lindsay laughs first. Irene explains that her stories sound better the first time, rather than being over-rehearsed. In an interview, Janet disparages Irene's desire to be funny at all times. Which, granted, would get annoying. Also, this one scene has had probably twenty cuts already, and Irene's speech is so chopped up that it's difficult to follow her conversation. Because, you see, she's crazy. This is the beginning of the "Irene is crazy" plot. And you must believe it to be so, or the editors will hit you over the head. Oh, they're doing that already. With an anvil. Sorry. Lindsay explains that Irene's spontaneous remarks cut into their time. In an interview, Lindsay says that Irene's "personality" is "on and off lately." Then she accepts the fifty that the producers slipped her for setting up their "Irene is crazy" plot, along with their promise that they won't film her running into the hotel door to use the facilities, because she was unable to defecate with the cameras around. Hey, I read about it in the book about this season.
Irene, Janet, and Lindsay sit in the control room and listen to a pre-taped interview with some band, taking notes. Well, Janet and Lindsay take notes. Irene sits there and looks worried. Instead of just showing Irene, the footage is edited so that we see the same shots twice in a row, to make it look like she was just zoning out in a big way. Irene voice-overs, "It's been going on for a while that I've been sick." Lindsay asks who wants to introduce the interview. The editors cut in a voice-over so that we don't hear Irene answer her. In an interview, Irene says she's not so sick that she needs to be in bed, so "it's very hard to find a balance." Get it? Because she's unbalanced. What, you're not convinced yet? Well, watch this shit.
Train on a track. Train crossing gates going down. Irene, Lindsay, and Janet walk home. Bus driving down the street. Irene walking. Cars sitting in traffic. Irene walking. Car headlights grow until they take up the whole screen. This is a totally different day than the scene in the radio station we just saw, by the way.
The three girls arrive home. Or do they? Irene was wearing a striped shirt and tan pants at the radio station, and a collared shirt and black pants on the "walk home." When she walks in the door, she's wearing a long black skirt. But it's cut together to make it look like it was all one day. Whatever. Janet and Irene walk in the door. Irene grabs her head and moans. Janet tells Irene to get into some pajamas, and offers her a drink. Irene mumbles, "Yeah, maybe," and then says that she thinks she's going to puke. Irene takes off for the bathroom. Janet heats something up in the microwave. Irene returns, and holds her head in her hands. The music is very insistent here. Janet tells Irene to go lie down. Irene says that her headache is making her sensitive to light. Maybe it's meningitis! That's a sign, you know. The microwave goes around and around.
Irene has her pajamas on now, and is sitting on the couch, holding her head. She says that she doesn't know why she gets these headaches. Janet derisively says, "You never got it, like, checked out before?" Thanks for the non-help, Janet. Irene says that she's only had a headache that severe once before. Janet snots, "And you never thought to go to the doctor for it?" Jesus, if I went to the doctor every time I got a bad headache, I'd be there about twice a month. ["Same here. And the time I did get a prescription for my migraine, it made me sicker than I've ever been. Headaches and migraines are very hard to diagnose, and treat." -- Wing Chun] People get headaches. That's why aspirin is sold over the counter. Irene insists that it was only the one time. Maybe Janet is giving her a headache. Janet is giving me a headache. Irene drinks a big mug of tea and tries to think whether there is a pattern to her illness. She winces and says she "can't even fucking see."
Okay, this is the silliest "crazy Irene" montage yet. We get, in rapid succession, the following shots: white lights, orange lights, white lights, a statue of a guy, white lights, Irene, another statue, white lights, another statue, Irene, a camera man, Irene, the huge lights in the house, Irene. What the hell was that all about?
Janet wrings out a wet cloth into the sink. Irene crawls into bed and tries to cover her eyes so that the lights aren't shining directly in them. Janet carries the cloth and a bowl of water into Irene's bedroom. Janet presses the cloth onto Irene's head, and asks where it hurts. Irene says it hurts over her left eye. Janet presses down harder and asks whether the pressure feels good. Irene says that it does. Space Needle shot #61 of the season. Train bell clanging. Warning lights at a train crossing.
How silly is the editing in this episode so far? Seriously, this is what happened, if you take out all the crap. One day, Irene disagreed with Lindsay and Janet about how to prepare for her radio show. That same day, Irene zoned out while listening to an interview. Another day, the three women walked down the street. A totally different day, Janet and Irene came home, and Irene had a really bad headache. It hurt to look into the lights, and she drank some tea and then went to bed. Janet pressed a wet cloth on Irene's head. That's all that happened.
We return from commercial to see those same statues we saw in the montage a few minutes ago, but now instead of flashing on them, we get to see them in their entiretly. It's a group of people standing at a bus stop or train station or something. We're back at the radio station. I think this is the same day as all the radio-station business before. Lindsay talks about what she's going to say on the air as Irene applies pressure to her sinuses and says that her head feels like it's on fire. Janet says that the aspirin isn't helping. In an interview, Irene says that she's never been one to get headaches, and now she is. Irene asks Janet to read some concert calendar, and Janet says no. Irene says that she would rather have Janet do it, and Janet says no again. Way to help your under-the-weather friend there, Janet.
Irene walks down the hall and yawns, and tells Rebecca that she's tired. Rebecca asks whether Irene is sick and needs to go home. Irene yawns for about ten minutes straight and then says no, and whispers to Rebecca, "No, don't say anything." She's probably tired because she's been in that stupid radio station with Lindsay and Janet all day, listening to them yammer on about their stupid radio show, which no one will listen to anyway. Plus, they've been such beeyotches about the whole "prepared preparer" thing thus far, she doesn't want to give them any more ammunition. Lindsay prepares the microphones. Janet and Irene have some sort of disagreement about something, but it's really not clear what they are talking about. In an interview, Janet says that Irene has a headache again, and she "doesn't want anyone at work to know she's sick."
Lindsay and Janet sit in a conference room and discuss Irene's situation. Janet asks Lindsay whether she's being considerate and listening enough. Lindsay assures Janet that she's fine, as long as she keeps kissing Lindsay's ass. Well, that's how I heard it. Janet worries that she's being "uncompassionate." Lindsay replies, "We don't get impatient with each other, you know what I mean? We know we've really got something going on." In other words, we practically lick each other, and Irene is not pretty or cool enough to hang out with us. Come on. You know that's what they are thinking. Janet feels like there is something missing. Lindsay thinks they are "missing her past." Could this conversation be more oblique? Is Lindsay insinuating that Irene has a history of mental illness? Or physical illness? I have no idea.
The whole gang sits around a conference table as Stephen reads and times the copy he has written. In an interview, Stephen says, "The REI spots are coming along fine. I'm doing the intros for the girls' commercials." Kelsey says that she wants these to be a trip journal, and then asks Stephen whether he's awake. Busted! He was totally snoozing right there at the conference table. In an interview, Lindsay says that Kelsey has done everything for them. What is it with the Real World casts slacking off at the jobs? Seriously. Stephen says that he's going to email his scripts to Kelsey that night. Lindsay continues in her interview, saying, "For being a bunch of overachievers, we're taking things pretty slow." Yeah, that's the worst part about nearly every season -- they not only slack off at the job, but they talk about how great they are while doing nothing. Stephen gets Kelsey's email address and takes off.
Back at Pier 70, it's time for Space Needle Shot #62. Do you think we'll hit one hundred before the end of the season? Irene sits on the couch with a shirt over her face, and tells Stephen that she feels "like such an old lady." Stephen suggests that she "lay [sic] down." And I only point out his grammatical error because he's such an "academian." Also, if Stephen really wanted to help Irene feel better, maybe he could get rid of the spotlight to his head. Even through the television screen, that thing is hurting my eyes. Irene lies down and notes that her arms have been falling asleep a lot more lately. In an interview, Stephen says that, at first, he thought she just wanted sympathy, but now he thinks she really might be sick. He continues, "And I do care. I told her if she is sick, I'm there for her and so are all the rest of us [emphasis mine]." Irene tells Stephen that she has bruises all over her body, and she feels like every time she gets rid of one symptom, something else crops up. In an interview, Irene wipes away a tear as she says that this is something she doesn't want to be going through right now, and she doesn't want to talk about it and analyze it. Crazy montage alert! It goes: white lights, Irene, gel lights, Irene, camera man, Irene, statue, white lights, Stephen, statue, white lights, statue, Irene, Stephen, orange lights, statue, Irene, Stephen, pan to Irene, two shot of them both, close-up on the fire, concluding with Space Needle shot #63.
As the sun comes up, Stephen voice-overs that he slept to Irene on the couch that night so that he could be there if she needed anything. Sure enough, there's Stephen on the gross crumb-filled couch, right to Irene. Stephen says that he gave her a blanket and "her little ugly dog that she sleeps with." Foreshadowing! Stephen says that he doesn't know how Irene is feeling because "she didn't say anything to anyone, so everyone was in the dark." Excuse me? She has talked about nothing but her symptoms this episode, and now they're telling us she's keeping it a secret from her roommates? The editors need to make up their minds which way they're going here. Does she talk about her illness non-stop (which is the footage we've seen) or does she keep it a secret?
Rebecca is at the fish market. Tony, the producer of the radio show, comes up and tells Rebecca that Stephen never faxed Kelsey his scripts. Rebecca tells Tony that Stephen is nearby, and they decide to go talk to him about it. On the way over, Tony tells Rebecca that Stephen would do a good job, but that "he dropped the ball." Rebecca and Tony walk into a pizza place, where Stephen and Nathan are eating some pizza. Tony asks Stephen whether he's checked his email or talked to Kelsey. Stephen says he hasn't. Tony tells Stephen to talk to Kelsey when he gets to the station, because she's not too happy.
At the station, Stephen walks up to Kelsey, who says, "Give me your script, because I have to turn it in today." Stephen says, by way of excuse, "I got a lot of boo boo, so I'm wiping my butt of it right now." Huh? What is he talking about? Kelsey doesn't run away from him, which is what I would do. She calmly tells him that she has deadlines to meet, so he has to hold up his end of the bargain. Kelsey reminds him that she waited all day, and tells him he should have called her. Stephen says, "But the thing is, I slept the day. I woke up at, like, 3:00." Oh, that's a good excuse. Couldn't he have just lied and said he was sick or something?
Back at Pier 70, Irene passes Rebecca in the kitchen. Irene stands near the pool table. This is intercut with shots of Irene in the confessional, her hair messy, rubbing her face, then rolling her eyes and not saying anything. Oh, she must be crazy if she went for a whole fifteen seconds in the confessional without talking. And then, get this -- she's standing to the pool table! In her pajamas! Call the psychiatrists!
Okay, this is the part where I think Irene was on either speed or coke or something, because the way she is acting is so out of character. Or, she could be bipolar, I guess, but since this is the one time she acts this way, I doubt it. Anyway, Irene cleans the kitchen, wearing a gray t-shirt. In a confessional (wearing the same gray t-shirt), Irene stutters, "Rebecca? She said I, I, I was terminally messy. I live in fear th...th...that that's the truth. Perhaps, perhaps I am terminally messy." Then there's a shot of a totally different day where Irene is wearing a green t-shirt and wiping down the kitchen counter with a sponge. Back in the confessional, Irene tearily says, "I just have a fear that...I mean I'm organ...it's not like I'm just organi...organizationally challenged. If I'm going to be neat, that's all I can do. That's all I can do. I mean, I just fall into this abyss of cleaning all the time or..." Then she's cut off. Meanwhile, while we see Irene wiping off the counter with a sponge, we see shots of Janet standing there watching her. Well, you never see Janet and Irene in the same shot, so for all we know, Janet was just standing there looking at the mouse living in their cupboard. In an interview, Janet says that Irene "went on and on and on" that she didn't want to be a messy person, and that she needed to clean up. Janet continues, saying that she knew it wasn't just about cleaning up, but she wasn't sure whether it was about cleaning up her life or needing to feel stable. Why, thanks, Janet Freud.
More shots of the statues. What is with those statues? Crazy panning shot of the roof of the shelter over the statues. Car headlights. A homeless man in a wheelchair shakes his change cup. Back at Pier 70, the footage is really grainy, like it was taken with a security camera or something. Okay, this is the footage where I really think Irene was on something. That's just my opinion, of course. Irene talks very quickly throughout, and can't seem to stand still. She tells Janet (who is laughing) that she hasn't been "fully honest," and that she thinks Janet should return her pants to Nordstrom's. In a confessional, Janet tells us what Irene just said. As Irene continues to talk, the camera zooms in on her face unsteadily, enhancing the manic feel of the footage.
Irene walks up to the ledge where all the books are. Nathan is up there, on the computer. Janet is also up there. Wasn't she just in the bedroom? Irene walks up and says she's so happy. Janet asks her if she's on drugs, and Nathan says something indistinguishable in the background. Irene says she's not on drugs, and runs down the stairs, still talking. In an interview, Lindsay says that Irene is "up and down, up and down," and "like a roller coaster right now." Irene gushes that she's figured out the dream that Nathan had where she had testicles. Nathan yells, "Oh my God!" In an interview, Nathan says Irene started talking about his dream, "which, don't do." Irene says that she thinks that it's hard for Nathan to "have a woman with a voice, or [he has] gay tendencies." Well, I think Nathan does have issues with women. And you all know how I feel about his "relationship" with David. In an interview, Nathan says, "I have no idea what kind of medication Irene's on. Whatever it is, it's called 'bitch.'" This must be what Stephen was talking about when he said they would all be there for her. Irene walks over to the bar in the kitchen, looks at something, and then walks back. Janet sits, smoking and watching her. In an interview, Lindsay says that she doesn't "know the full story," and doesn't thinks she's "seen the real Irene" because there are "so many different Irenes." Irene walks across the room and says, "Well, I'm like this! I'm like this. I often do this! I haven't done this since I've been here, but this is how I think. I think out loud, and I think rapidly." In an interview, Janet says that it was confusing, and once they "find out what's going on," they'll know "how to react to it." The last shot of the scene is Irene sitting there, talking and making hand gestures as bells clang on the soundtrack. Then there is a shot of cars in traffic and another train crossing.
After a commercial, it's Space Needle Shot #64 of the season, and then some more scenes of Seattle. At the radio station, Stephen is recording the REI commercials. He talks about riding an elephant and spotting a rhinoceros. Flashback footage of Irene riding the elephant and laughing maniacally. Stephen screws up on the word "gharial," which is a type of animal. In a confessional, Stephen says that he really wants to get these commercials right because he's really grateful to REI for sending them on the trip. But not quite so grateful that he might, you know, get up before noon. Stephen finishes recording his parts, and leaves, happily.
A trolley goes by the house at Pier 70. What is with all the transportation in this episode? So far, we've seen boats, cars, a bus, trains, and a trolley. What ? Is a gondola going to float by? Perhaps a rickshaw? And technically, I guess the flashback elephant footage counts as transportation, since people were riding the elephant. Irene sits alone in the sun, and we hear her say in a voice-over, "There are people that walk around with medical problems all the time that you just don't know about. Like, I took my medicine every night and I regulated myself, but I was a person that walked around with this that nobody really knew about. And now it's different and our bodies demand it, and I do have to go public. I mean, my body is making me." At the end there, Irene was talking in some weird Southern accent, but I chalk that up to plain old quirkiness rather than some sort of mental illness. Although, from what they just showed us, you would think she was talking about mental illness, wouldn't you?
Irene and Janet walk down the street. Irene voice-overs that it's been "three years that I've been sick with this Lyme Disease. You get it from a tick, and I'm not better." Janet and Irene sit in a coffee shop. Janet says she feels like "a chump," because they haven't taken Irene's problems seriously enough. Irene lets her off the hook by saying, "Sickness is hard for anyone to understand." Irene voice-overs that she was diagnosed before her sophomore year of college, and that she had "no concept of what Lyme Disease was." We keep hearing the voice-overs while we see Irene talking to Janet, and if you weren't playing close attention, you would definitely think that Irene was saying these things to Janet instead of in response to a producer's questions. Irene starts crying as she talks to Janet, and admits that she's "psyched" that she's "gotten this far," but she also wonders whether it's ever going to get better. She concludes, "Am I going to live my life like this? Oh my God!" Janet just looks at her, and doesn't know how to react, because she hasn't checked with Lindsay yet. Janet and Irene walk home, and Irene starts sobbing. At one point, Irene starts laughing, possibly in response to something Janet said, and then they cut to a different shot of Janet looking totally serious, so that you think Irene is crazy. Then Irene is crying again, and she tells Janet that she misses being healthy. Janet says she can't believe that Irene's been going through this alone.
Now a train goes by the house. Irene and Janet have returned. Irene walks across the room and tells Rebecca that she doesn't know what's wrong with her. Rebecca silently hugs Irene. In the background, Janet starts laughing for no reason. Rebecca suggests that they go call a doctor, and Irene agrees. Irene gets on the phone and calls a doctor to whom she was referred. In an interview, Irene says she's scared to go to the doctor because she knows that they will tell her something is wrong. Hey, I had that same fear about the dentist, but trust me on this one -- make an appointment and go.
Irene and Rebecca ride in a cab to see Irene's doctor. Rebecca says that it might be "just a little bit of a relapse." Irene says that it's "a bad situation" because she didn't take an adequate amount of time off after she was diagnosed. In an interview, Rebecca explains that she looked Lyme Disease up on the internet (shout-out?) and it's "a lot more serious than [she] thought." Rebecca explains that it causes "fatigue, nausea, muscle weakening, abdominal pain -- it's a nightmare!"
At the doctor's office, Irene says that she needs a friend to come with her, because she often denies her problems. Rebecca voice-overs that Lyme Disease is fatal in ten percent of cases, and that forty to sixty percent of cases will experience "major muscle deterioration." The doctor comes in, and Irene greets her. The doctor's all, "Um, my chair?" and Rebecca's all, "Oops!" and stands up. In an interview, Irene says that she really appreciates Rebecca's coming with her. Irene describes her symptoms to the doctor, including headaches, hands and feet falling asleep, and excessive bruising. In an interview, Irene says that she's been sick this whole time and didn't know it, and PSAs that "Lyme Disease is the disease in disguise."
Irene and Rebecca leave the doctor's office. In the cab, Irene says that her bigger fear was that there was nothing wrong with her, and that she was going crazy. Irene jokes that it's a relief to be able to say that she has "neuropathy." Irene laughs with relief. In an interview, Irene says that finding out she was sick made everything make sense, including all of her behavior. In the cab, Rebecca continues to joke that Irene can say, "I just have nerve damage! That's good! I'm not going insane!" Irene laughs some more. Irene notes that it's sick that she's so happy to learn there's something wrong with her.
The song on the soundtrack says, "I just don't know what to do." Back at Pier 70, Irene lies in bed. Nathan sits there as she explains her disease, and points out that her feet are asleep. Nathan starts punching her feet, to get them to wake up. Nathan says that he thinks he has nerve damage too, which makes Irene laugh. In an interview, Nathan says that he loves Irene like a sister, and that the more he's learning about Lyme Disease, the more he realizes how sad it is. Because when he thought she was mentally ill or on medication, he hated her. Nice. In a confessional, Irene says she's trying to joke about it, but the truth is that it is serious.
David calls Irene from the radio station and asks whether she's sick. She says that she is. David says that he thought "it would be out of line if [he] raised that in front of Rebecca or anyone else." Why? Why would he think Rebecca shouldn't know, when she's the one who took Irene to the doctor? This is so confusing. In an interview -- which is the same one they used in the big reunion special and tried to pretend like it was new footage -- Irene says that she has "peripheral neuropathy." David tells her that she always blew it off and pretended that nothing was wrong. In an interview, David says that Irene wants to be normal. Irene tells David that neuropathy can happen in AIDS patients, too. In an interview, David says that this was "a slap in the face" and that if Irene doesn't "shape up, [she'll] ship out and die." Ah, David. Mr. Sensitivity. David asks Irene whether she's going to be all right, and she says she doesn't know. And then, to finish up the transportation-themed episode, we see a boat in the harbor.